3yo frequent waking and screaming

[activemomma]

I'm not sure exactly where to post....but I really need some help.

DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 15 months; I'm a tandem nursing sahm & I've been struggling with PPD since DD2 was born (i'm on antidepressants). We're cosleeping as well, though DD1 goes down in her own room in a separate bed and joins us in the big bed when she wakes after we go to bed (her choice). The girls both wake up very frequently--most nights there are 2-3 wakings from each girl before we go to bed (between 7pm and 10:30 pm) and then they both wake up several times through the night. I am just not getting enough sleep or enough of a break from the kids in the evenings. I think it would be easier if I felt like this was normal and/or that we hadn't done something wrong that's caused this, but the anxiety I have about this makes things worse. Part of this anxiety is taht DD1 slept very well before DD2 was born (12 straight hours with maybe 1 waking). Also, DD2 is more easy-going and will go down for DH and doesn't need to nurse every single time, but DD1 screams and has a huge fit if I refuse to nurse her, esp. through the evenings (she doesn't ask as much in our bed); she screams and has a huge fit if DH is the one to respond to her, even if he tells her that I'm on my way and/or with DD2 and she is welcome to join us. Prior to DD2, DH sometimes put DD1 down on his own while I was at work and has even spent full nights alone with her (while I was in hospital).

We are concerned that this is not just a normal phase or a normal-for-her phase but that this is all her responding to various things that have happened to make her insecure since she was born. I had a C/Sec, and then I did AP, but we often tried to have her babysat by family members which really stressed her out/resulted in major screaming/crying fits; I returned to work and had to leave her screaming every day; we were separated for three full nights while I was in hospital with DD2 (this was unforeseen and due to an illness--we did not prepare her for this). After DD2, I'm ashamed to say that I have flown into rages and sometimes threatened to leave the family in front of her. I know that damage was probably done by this and this is why we are working through my PPD issues. But what can I do now so that she knows she is secure? How can I repair it? Is it normal for some kids to be as clingy as she is to me? Is it normal for her to wake this much? part of me wonders if it woudl be easier for me to just answer to her needs as much as possible, though I find it very difficult to keep up with her BFing needs, esp. considering that she's 3.  Another part of me wonders if her interrupted sleep is a factor and if weaning would be easier on everyone. (Though of course it could be catastrophic, right :)? )

The strategy I have right now, which is to GD and AP as much as possible, to BF on demand and everythign, and then to end up burnt out and resentful is not working! I'm working on nurturing myself, but I still need to figure out how to nurture her.

Thanks for listening.

[To-Fu]

Ah, I have a not-quite-three-year-old son and a 7mo son.  When the newest was born, we quickly but gently nightweaned the older overnight.  I was a short but intense experience, and a necessary one.  I hadn't planned on it, but I just could. not. function. on that little sleep.  I am lucky to have a supportive partner who was willing to switch to the nighttime parenting role for our older son--in the end, I think it strengthened their relationship to have that bond at night.

[Carma]

I also slowly nightweaned my oldest when the second was born. I nursed her on demand throughout the pregnancy, but tandem nursing at night was too much for me. It went relative smooth, we would rub her back and had a sippy with water for her at night. She was still in our bed in between us (new baby on my side) and actually started sleeping through he night from then on. When I got pregnant with the 3rd, my son was 2 and I started night weaning him at that point, didn't wait until 3rd was born. He would be upset at some times, but also overall it went smooth, and he also started sleeping through the night at that point. Right now we all sleep in one room. The now 3 and 5 year old are sleeping through everything, even when our new baby cries at night and when we go to bed after they have fallen asleep. I would keep continue to cosleep to assure your 3 year old, that you are there for him. It is normal for 3 year old to be clingy. My 3 year old is also very clingy. He is in daycare because I work, but all the other times he is right next to me at all times and he is also very close to his teacher during the day. I also see it often with ~3 year olds of my friends, also with friends that are at home with the kids.

Carma

[activemomma]

So helpful--thanks. It is particularly helpful to hear that the clinginess is normal for this age and hearing your responses makes me realize that night weaning is just going to have to happen soon or we'll all just be miserable, especially me. Do either of you know of any good resources for tips on night weaning or breaking habits gently? I guess I'll head over to LLL and KellyMom for a start.

Thanks again.

[To-Fu]

Most folks around here swear by the Jay Gordon method:

http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

[Carma]

I didn't use a particular method. Just slowly replacing nursing as the way to settle them at night with a water sippy and rubbing their back, I even softly sang to them at times, they also liked to lay against my back with my arm around them if I needed to nurse the baby at the same time. It takes a little more at first, but ours soon started to sleep through the night when they stopped nursing at night, so then it became easier.

Carma

Edited to add:

Just read Dr. Gordon's site. I also started with no nursing from ~12am-~6am (using the other soothing methods instead of nursing). That is relative easy to achieve and helps a lot for your rest already. So I would still nurse to sleep for example.