7 yo big brother of my friend's kid tormenting my little 3 yo... HELP!

[tammylsmith]

I have made a new friend this past school year, as my dd, who is 3 1/2, started pre-k and plays with the sweetest, loveliest little boy, who is 4. His mom and I instantly clicked, and I have been over to her house and to several playdates. With the younger son, it is wonderful, playdates are smooth and the kids play well. He is gentle and sweet.

His older brother, however, is really bothering me with his aggressive behavior toward my dd. He will deliberately walk by her and throw his fist up in the air in the coiled back, "ready to punch" position, and do things like what I witnessed today, right in front of both myself and his own mother, this boy (we were walking to our cars after school) grabbed a stick and threw it right in dd's face! His mom reprimanded him, but this is a constant problem whenever the kids see each other. I have seen him walk past dd and grab  her upper arm and drag her in a way that makes her yell "ouch", or come and rap her on the head just hard enough to make her flinch.

*sigh* I don't know what to do, because I will not tolerate my baby being tormented, but I have witnessed his mom and his dad giving him appropriate consequences when he does things like this (his little brother gets it too, of course) like removing him from play and having him sit with one or the other in a time in. I know my friend is doing her best. I don't know how to get him to stop. They are a sweet, kind, and gentle family.

Do I ask my friends' permission to call him on it one of these times, not to yell at him, but to talk to him about how it makes me feel to see him bullying my baby like that?

Do I just try to avoid situations where he will be near dd? We can do morning playdates while he is in school... but at situations like last Sunday, it is a holiday party where there are many kids and adults there. I know she has had other friends end friendships over his behavior, so I don't want to make her sensitive. I really don't think he's a bad kid....  he just relates poorly to other kids and seems to have aggressive tendencies.

Do I talk to dd to empower her to remove herself from the situation and put me between them? I have talked to her at length to gauge how she feels about this. She thinks he is behaving badly towards her, but also that he makes her laugh sometimes... so maybe she's not feeling so victimized by this. I just don't want her to have a constant tormenter. I also don't want her to pick up on any of these unacceptable behaviors.

[One_Girl]

If your friend doesn't tell him to stop immediately I suggest that you tell him to stop in a firm voice and encourage your dd to do the same.  Once he has stopped you could ask him how he would feel if his friends came up to him and did that or if you just walked up to him and did that, but I think that being firm and clear about your boundaries is an important first step and a how would you feel talk should be second.  I wouldn't even ask, I would just act because I don't believe that I need permission to protect my child and if a friendship ends because of it then it wasn't one worth saving.

[Shaki]

I would do 2 things in this situation:

I would talk with my DD about what she can do when I'm not there: getting away from the child (physically removing herself), using a loud voice to tell him "STOP!" or "DON'T TOUCH (hit, pinch, throw things etc) AT ME!"  or "OUCH YOU HURT ME" loud enough for a grown up to hear, asking a grown up for help, etc. 3 1/2 is too little to expect her to stand up for herself all alone especially when the aggressive kid is so much bigger, but you can help her start working on sticking up for herself.

And If I was there I would (and have, in similar situations) also physically put myself in between the aggressive child and my DD whenever I observed that something was about to happen. One way to do this is to closely shadow your child when the aggressive child is around and pick her up and remove her whenever he seems like he's heading in to bop her. Another thing you can do is block his hand if he makes a move to hit her, just stop his hand with you hand and say "No hitting".

It sounds like the parents are trying so I'd be very respectful of them, and would not take it upon myself to discipline or discuss the situation with the boy, I'd just protect my DD whenever he was being aggressive by physically removing her or blocking him from hurting her.

[tammylsmith]

Thanks for the suggestions. I do think I will just have to shadow more closely, and use this as a teachable moment to help dd learn how to try and stand up for herself. This mom has offered to pick dd up from pre-k on really blustery days, so I don't have to take the baby out. I don't know if I want to take her up on that or not, until I observe things a bit longer.