crippling fear...

[chewynotcrunchy]

DD is 5 weeks old today.  Is it normal to be scared that everything I do will have life-long consequences for her?  Like, if I put her down at all she will not feel loved enough and grow up to be a psychopath.  If I don't read to her she won't be smart... the list goes on and on. I mess with her while she sleeps to make sure she is still breathing... EVERYTHING scares me. I feel like NOTHING I do is right and am constantly second guessing myself.  I can't put her down so I don't get anything done around the house but I don't want anyone else to hold her (germs).  Is this just part of being a new mom, or is it obsessive?

[Knitting Mama]

It sounds to me like you have a lot of anxiety, mama. While some is definitely normal, what with all the hormones coursing through you, if you feel crippled by fear, you might want to talk to your doctor. You should be going for a checkup soon, anyway, right? I would definitely bring it up.

[oaktreemama]

In all gentleness-obsessive.

Other people can wash their hands and hold her. You can put her down sometimes. You don't have to read to her right now. She needs a calm and centered Mama.

Now some nervousness is expected-especially about sleeping as we are bombarded with SIDS messages. However, it has to be tempered by the reality that things almost always work out OK.

[Summersquash]

(((hugs)))  I've totally been there, Mama.  You and your baby are both going to be OK.  It's definitely OK to put her down and to have other people hold her.  

Do you have some friends or family in the area to talk this through with?  Or, is there a new mom's support group somewhere nearby?  Sometimes talking about this stuff in real life can really, really help.  

[Choaners]

mom to 7 week old, i had these same feelings and still do.  maybe less intense, but defiantly all the same thoughts.  it was hard and i felt very sad when i needed to put her down or if someone else was holding her. 

but try to remember that all of us were put down at some point and we grew some independence.  we were all held by people that weren't our mama and we made friends.  we encountered germs and we grew strong.  i happen to think as long as she's with you and you encounter the same germs, your breast milk will protect her!  and finally, at times when there is quiet and sleep, her brain is growing immensely, so not reading to her constantly will encourage brain development. 

anyway, all of these things are ways to redirect your thinking to control some of the anxiety.  i ditto the suggestion to talk w/ your doc.  and would also suggest having someone you trust and love come over to hold her so you can try to take a nice warm shower and love yourself.

hugs and good luck, you'll get through it.

[Zangua]

I always tell myself: if she is unhappy, she will let me know. If you put her down and she cries, you know she needs attention. But if you put her in a nice seat or swing or moses basket and she is quiet/cooing, then she is happy! Even babies this young find ways to communicate what they need and want. An attentive parent is also a healthy parent and taking care of yourself is part of being healthy and happy.

Also, germs are actually kind of ok for the baby. Obviously you don't want anyone sick to hold her, and people can wash their hands, but if she is breast feeding she has a nice dose of your immune system and 'bacteria' or 'germs' can actually help keep her from having allergies and asthma in the future.

Take a deep breath. You are doing great. Your baby is lucky to have a mama who loves her, and that's the bottom line... even if you set her down at times.

[bdoody11]

The post-partum period can be very rough, especially as a first time mama. I remember with my first, if she even made a little cry I would rush right over to pick her up. I was convinced that if I didn't she would not be attached enough. Well, she is definitely an attached 3 year old, but so is my 6 month old who in all honestly has to fuss or cry a bit every once in a while I take care of her sister and can't get to her right away. My point is that children are resilient and they know when they are truly loved and taken care of, even if you can't meet every need every second of the day.

That said, if this anxiety is disrupting your normal life, activities, and ability to be happy I would see someone. Check with your doctor, midwife, or doula about a good post-partum therapist in your area. I've been through PPD/PPA and it is no fun. Getting help as soon as possible will make you and your baby much happier. Good luck!

[a13xandra]

I am feeling the new mom anxiety too, and so while I am feeling very similar to you, I think we are both getting obsessive.  I've never been anxious before, so I am planning to talk with a therapist about it next week.  Good luck.  

[mamazee]

Probably just baby blues - the hormones after birth can make you a little crazy.  If it continues or gets worse, it could be a sign of PPD, so if it feels like that's where it's headed, just make an appointment and get help rather than suffering.

[chewynotcrunchy]

Thank you very much for the suggestions and encouragement!  I will be discussing this with my MW next week and going from there.

[MamitaM]

I have some of the same fears. I'm anxious around a couple of people in my life when they want to hold and kiss him,so I've told they can't. I just get very anxious and a bad feeling around them,so I say no to them now. (well I'm going to next time I see them) We co-sleep and I often touch him to see if he's still breathing and I feel his little chest to feel his heart beating in there or if I'm awake on the couch I'll glance over to see his chest rise and fall to know he's still breathing. I'm also afraid of the way I buckle him into his care seat. I was so nervous about the other day that I was in the back with him while my friend drove us. I really hate taking him in the car right now. I don't do CIO at all,but sometimes I do need to put him down for a few minutes so I can get something done for myself and he will fuss a little bit,I do feel bad,but I only allow myself to feel a little bit bad b/c I'm teaching him that it's ok to fuss a little and that in a minute or 2 I will come to him and give him more of my time once I've gone to the bathroom or gotten my glass of water or something. If he fusses a minute or 2 he isn't going to turn out badly or think he's unloved.

[Courtney-Ostaff]

Perfectly normal. Your hormones are going riot, still.  It helps to have a good support system. Don't be afraid to ask for help from those around you. In fact, demand it!  If it makes you feel better, I still check my 3-yr-old for breathing. ;) This will pass!  

[P.J.]

Some fear is normal and I think most of us sometimes check for breathing.  It's a very essential part of our job as mamas to keep our babies safe, and fear often does play into that. It's also par for the course for mamas, esp. us new mamas, to sometimes feel like we're doing it wrong or a bad mother.

However, just the title of your thread tells me this is over the top in your case.

First of all, know that germs are necessary for your baby to develop a healthy strong immune system and that your breastmilk is protecting her from getting ill. Ironically, the less you expose her to other people the more likely she is to develop allergies and illness later on.

Also, you can put her in a sling or wrap and still get things done around the house, which would maybe help quell your fear of not enough body contact AND help you get stuff done. But in any case, it is fine to not have her on you 24/7. In fact, IMO babies need time on the floor to play and discover things on their own, and to develop properly. As long as the environment is safely babyproofed and appropriate for her, it is okay to leave her on the floor for a minute while you pee or whatever, or you could also leave her on the floor and sit nearby and do something in parallel while keeping an eye on her.

Anyway I say all that just from the logical side to help you feel more safe and okay in letting go a little bit.  But besides the effect on you, your fear will affect your baby. Babies and children are very sensitive and pick up on all our emotions. Your fear is crippling not only to you, but will stifle your daughter's natural enthusiasm and curiosity about the world, as well as hinder her self-confidence and trust. How is she supposed to trust in life if you can't?

Honestly it sounds like you could use some emotional support. I agree that postpartum hormones are pretty crazy, so it could be just that, but still even if it is I would seek some support. Either a beloved trusted friend or family member (preferrably one who's had kids already, BTDT) or your midwife, doula or doctor, or a therapist. Remember you will be the best mama you can if you are taking care of yourself too!

Best of luck to you!

Edited by P.J. - 12/25/10 at 9:03am

[AislinCarys]

Originally Posted by Courtney-Ostaff 

Perfectly normal. Your hormones are going riot, still.  It helps to have a good support system. Don't be afraid to ask for help from those around you. In fact, demand it!  If it makes you feel better, I still check my 3-yr-old for breathing. This will pass!  

I'd say hormonal. I think I was a bit crazy in the first three months. As long as you're not too frightened to deal with your baby, and care for her, and it doesn't make you feel depressed, I'd say just go with the flow. It will get better. I think the first 2-3 months was like living in a bubble, where everything outside our bubble lost importance, and everything inside was huge!

Over time, you relax more and more, at least I did. At first I'd only put her down on a nappy square (if I had to), worried about germs, by 10 months she was crawling around on the dirty floor at music (she didn't start crawling until she was nearly 9 months old), although I was still a bit obesessive about her not putting things in her mouth.

And I certainly check my (nearly) 3 yo for breathing at night, despite sleeping right next to her!