One agressive two year old and one "victim" two year old HELP!

[Kristen2664]

I have custody of my granddaughter (she is 2) for 7 months while mommy is on deployment.  My younger daughter and her two year old daughter also live with us while husband/daddy is on deployment.  Amarie (2 1/2 years old) is very very agressive with Jayde (just 2 and the one I have custody of).  She bites, hits, pushes and pinches - but tries to do this all on the sly - she knows it is wrong.  I am very insistent that we don't use any form of physical discipline - but nothing works.  Time outs, losing privileges, NOTHING works!  My granddaughter Jayde is already going through a tough time being away from mommy and daddy and I hate that she has to go through this with her cousin.  She won't even let Amarie hug her for fear of being hurt!  What can I do?  I don't remember having these issues with my own!

[sapphire_chan]

I'd guess it's also stemming from Amarie missing her daddy. Does she get plenty of time with just her mom and no cousin?  Do the girls have separate play areas? (If they were siblings, shared space would be fine, but they aren't used to living with another kid as of yet.)

I'd also intercept Amarie AS she's moving to do something to Jayde and act like you thought she was about to do something nice. E.g. she raises her hand to hit, you catch her hand "you want to pet Jayde? Let's ask Jayde if it's okay. I'll help you pet Jayde gently." Or "Jayde doesn't want to be pet, you can pet me instead."

[ssh]

Separation is the one thing that works with 2 year olds. They really don't have any impulse control and some kids just really can't play well with others until they are older. Is your younger daughter home to watch her child or are you watching both 2 year olds at the same time? At that age I'd put the violent child in a time in and say "if you can't play gentle/safe you can't play". A backpack would work well if you are watching both girls. If the mom's there she can take her 2.5 year old and sit with her for awhile and talk about being gentle and keeping everyone safe. It sounds like a really difficult situation. 

[Kristen2664]

You are right - it is extremely difficult and very tiring both pyhsically and mentally!  I appreciate the advice!  I was thinking about calling ins Super Nanny!  Yes my daughter is there with both of them while I am at work - and then when I get there I relieve her so she can get some down time.  I have to admit - I have much admiration and respect for people with multiples!  I used to think it would be great to have multiples - but never did - and now I am glad that I didn't!  Thank you again!

[Kristen2664]

I know that Amarie misses her daddy - but I also know that Jayde is without both parents right now - for deployment reasons - so they are both dealing with tremendous loss right now.  I only hope that I can meet their needs if not excel for both of them.  I know that they are both grieving in their very own ways but it is not easy to handle!

[mom2grrls]

Unfortunately this is normal behavior for the age so the time outs, etc are not going to work b/c it's not going to make their impulse control any better.  How long have the girls been living together at your house?  Any change like that will take time for everyone to get used to.  Is Amarie getting enough sleep?  Not getting enough sleep can make a child be more aggressive than "normal".    Is Amarie getting enough one on one time with her mom and even you?  Perhaps separating the girls for a period of time when you and your daughter are both home may help also.

[skybluepink02]

I am going through this with my almost two year old twins. What has worked for me is talk in a LOT about gentle touches when everything is calm and no one is fighting. Show the aggressive one how to hug, kiss, gently touch her cousin and then give lots of attention and praise when she does it. Work to "catch" her being good and gentle and shower praise at those times.

When she is hurting her cousin, shower the attention on the cousin. Make it over the top and obvious. Yelling and reacting to the aggressive toddler is what she wants. Attention is attention to a child, even if it is negative.

By giving lots of attention to the behaviors you like, and ignoring the negative behaviors, you are showing her how to get the attention she craves by using behaviors you like.

Anyways, this is what is working in our house right now. Maybe it will help with your house!

[chaimom]

I have twins and what worked for them was to tell them/show them the "right" kind of interaction.  Rather than "no," tell them what they can do.  For instance, instead of just saying no hitting, say, "no hitting; we use gentle touches".  Instead of saying no grabbing, say "It's her turn now and then it will be your turn," or "we ask if we can have a turn next."  That way you're modeling what they should be doing.

[sapphire_chan]

And remember that with 2 year olds, you need to be ready to help them out with following requests. Even when they WANT to do what you've asked they can't always change gears by themselves.

[mamazee]

A lot of kids around that age go through aggressive stages, particularly with the stresses these children are under, and it's possible the younger one will go through a similar stage in a few months.  They do outgrow it, but in the meantime I'd tell her consistently to gently touch her sister, and be right on top of them to make sure the younger one is protected.  They might switch sides in a few months though, and the younger one might become aggressive toward the older one, and then do the same thing with her.  It can also help to give them words to use to talk about how they feel.  It seems like language skills help them get past this.  Try not to label one as the bully and one as the victim as this is just a developmental thing, and they might switch sides as the younger one gets older, and mainly because children often live up (or down) to whatever labels are placed upon them.

[nd_deadhead]

I have twins too - though mine are 16 years old! When they were 2, we simply did not leave them alone for 20 seconds, for fear that someone would get bitten, hit, or have a block thrown at his head. DH and I would literally "tag off", so we knew who was in charge of direct supervision at any moment. You are nearing the end of this phase - I remember one day saying "Hey, the boys have been together without anyone crying for 10 minutes!"

As the others said, it wasn't nearly so much about being mean to each other as having no impulse control. We could sometimes ward off bites (if we were too far away to physically haul off the one with his teeth bared) by saying "Give kisses!". It didn't wark every time, but often enough to try.

The others said it well - pay attention to the one who is hurt, and ignore the one doing the hurting. More important, pay attention to appropriate behavior as often as you can! I would say things like "Boys, you're playing together with that toy - that looks like fun!" Part of the problem at this age is they don't really have a concept of the word "don't", so try to phrase statements as "do" instead (as in "touch gently" or "give kisses" instead of "don't hit" or "don't bite").

Of course you have to tell them that hitting, biting, etc are not allowed, because they hurt, but I don't think that sinks in as clearly to a 2-yr-old as telling them what TO do.

Hugs to you, Grandma - you are a blessing to your family. And my thanks to your daughter and SIL for their service to our country.

[sapphire_chan]

Y'know, this thread is reminding me of that opening scene in Babies where the one kid pulls hair and the other bites the first kid's shoulder.

[skybluepink02]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

Y'know, this thread is reminding me of that opening scene in Babies where the one kid pulls hair and the other bites the first kid's shoulder.

It can get awful "lord of the flies"ish when you have two 2 year olds.