single mom and child care

[quietmim]

I have an 18 month old and am due in April.  I currently work as an RN 3 twelve hour day shifts a week.  I am in an unhappy relationship and I am trying to figure out how to get out.  My partner is a SAHM dad who loves his little girl.  He has very little in the way of job prospects.  I am feeling like I have to stay because how can I afford child care on my own?  In order to support himself he would have to work a lot of hours and I don't think I can count on him for much help.  Would I have to go to eight hour shifts so the little ones could go to day care?  I am not sure this is even a good solution  because it will be difficult to find a job that didn't require weekends?  To pay someone to do babysit them for twelve hours, a schedule I like, would be half my pay.  I am trying to envision a mix between a nanny and day care, or my parents and day care, but nothing really seems likely to work.  My dad could probably help 12-15 hours a week.

I really can't write more now.  I am just interested in any situations others in similar circumstances have made work?

[chiefmir]

I just wanted to jump in because we have a friend who was in this exact situation (except that her sons were older than your kiddos).  When her sons were 4 and 2 years old, her H left them with pretty much no warning.  the Mom is a NICU nurse, and had spent many long years building up the seniority to have her pick of daytime shifts... but when her H left, she switched back to 3 12-hour overnight shifts.   That way, she was able to hire a sitter to come to her house after she had put the boys to bed (I think her shift was from 8-8) and the sitter slept there (part of the arrangemet was for the sitter to do some light housekeeping- like running a few loads of lanudry- and making breakfast for the boys). Mom would come home at about 8:30, be with the kids for an hour, and then they'd go to a part time preschool program for a half-day on the days she was post-shift so she could sleep.  she'd nap while they were at school, pick them up at 2 or 3, and have all her time with them except for actual work. She liked that she was able to essentially work full time, but only to miss awake time with her boys the 4 hours 3x a week taht she was napping.

[chicmom]

 

I just wanted to jump in because we have a friend who was in this exact situation (except that her sons were older than your kiddos).  When her sons were 4 and 2 years old, her H left them with pretty much no warning.  the Mom is a NICU nurse, and had spent many long years building up the seniority to have her pick of daytime shifts... but when her H left, she switched back to 3 12-hour overnight shifts.   That way, she was able to hire a sitter to come to her house after she had put the boys to bed (I think her shift was from 8-8) and the sitter slept there (part of the arrangemet was for the sitter to do some light housekeeping- like running a few loads of lanudry- and making breakfast for the boys). Mom would come home at about 8:30, be with the kids for an hour, and then they'd go to a part time preschool program for a half-day on the days she was post-shift so she could sleep.  she'd nap while they were at school, pick them up at 2 or 3, and have all her time with them except for actual work. She liked that she was able to essentially work full time, but only to miss awake time with her boys the 4 hours 3x a week taht she was napping.

This is EXACTLY what I am doing except I am only doing 2 12 hour nights/week and one of my parents will be coming over to watch the kids. My kids are 5,3,2.  My job is pretty awesome. I working in a NICU, too. I only work 24 hours/week and I get full time benefits.

[zebra15]

I worked 3x12's in a call center when my DS was newborn-12mos. My hours were approx 7am-8pm OR 8am-9pm.  I found an in-home provider who watched DS for a standard weekly rate. I would drop him off on my way to the office then pick him up on the way home.  I worked M T W. My wed pm I was exhausted but I loved my shift and my daycare.  I searched long and hard for that sitter and she was heaven for me.

Since then I've had a varitey to call center jobs- which tend to have odd hours, and thankfully my sitters have been accomodating. 

The key is to find a great sitter.  I've just come to accept that daycare is a huge expense when working and when you have little ones.

If you want out I wouldnt concern myself too much with what your STBX would need to do to support himself.  But I didn't count 'child support' in any budgeting I ever did.

[Goodmom2008]

First of all, you are assuming that you will get custody.  The SAHD is the one who is the primary caregiver.  His chances of getting custody are good. You may want to consult with an attorney to find out just where you stand, legally.  Especially where child support is concerned.  And if you are married, spousal support.  The father is the primary caregiver here and is a SAHD.  You will likely be paying the child support to the primary caregiver.  And if the two of you are married, spousal support to the SAHD.

Personally, I would seek joint counseling and try to work it out. 

[MamitaM]

Don't try and scare her! The father may not get custody even though he is the one who stays at home with their current little one. Most of the time the mothers get custody,unless they are proven unfit or they chose to let the fathers have custody. Anyway she's only working 3 12 hour shifts a week so she's still spending quite a bit of time with her little one.

If you can switch to night shifts that may be good for you and you can get a student to come at night after the kids are in bed. They may even accept a lower pay if the childcare isn't to much more then just being there to make sure they stay safe at night and it gives them a chance to do home work.

[Goodmom2008]

Not trying to scare her, just pointing out a very real and strong possibility.  One that she should be ready for.  And to be honest, I do think that it is the primary caregiver (in this case, the father is the SAHD) who should remain the primary caregiver. 

Also, if she is planning on taking a lower paying job, she should probably do so about a year before she either  files for divorce (if they are married, her post didn't really say one way or the other) or files for custody and support to be determined through the courts.  Which she should have in place before she moves out, because if she doesn't, she may not be able to take the kids with her.  Because if she files in the courts or moves out and then gets a lower paying job, she's going to be living with imputed income where she is treated as if she was still at the higher paying job for child support (and possibly spousal support if married) purposes.  To be clear, it is very likely that she will be the one who is paying this.  Even if they work out a 50/50 physical custody plan. 

Going into this with blinders on and incorrect assumptions is not the way to go.  Because if she continues with these assumptions, she is going to be blindsided.  And that is no place to be.

The reason why mothers mostly get primary is the following:

1.  The father abandons the family.

2.  The mother was the primary caregiver.  It is usually the mother who is the SAHP.  Just look at what she called the father, she called him the SAHM father. 

Times are changing and courts are catching up to the fact that it's not just the mother who stays home to care for the kids. 

BTW, I do know someone who was in a similar situation when she got a divorce.  The SAHD ended up with primary custody, even though she is now a SAHM for her second child with her current husband. 

Originally Posted by MamitaM 

Don't try and scare her! The father may not get custody even though he is the one who stays at home with their current little one. Most of the time the mothers get custody,unless they are proven unfit or they chose to let the fathers have custody. Anyway she's only working 3 12 hour shifts a week so she's still spending quite a bit of time with her little one.

[starbyfar7]

when i was in the air force i worked shift work as a single mother and i was by no means limited to a 40hour work week. the amount of crap they had me doing certainly went well over that, on more than one occasion. 12 hours shift, 8 hour shifts, shifts that start at 2am.. i've done it all with no support from family as they lived in another state and on my last tour, they lived in another country!

i agree, paying someone an hourly wage would drain your funds. don't even go that route. look into family day care based on a daily rate. thats the only way i survived. i interviewed multiple home daycares and most would only charge about 30-35 a day. since i usually worked a 4 on 2 off schedule or 3 on 3 off it worked out very well for me financially. this time around, im out of the air force and in a relationship, preggo with number 2. we live in nyc and EVERYTHING is expensive, especially childcare. the daycare across the street from me charges 25k a year tuition! babysitters have a starting rate of $15 an hour.. i haven't looked into home daycares yet because my oldest is in 2nd grade (thank god) and my partner is basically a stay at home dad. when i begin medical school and he finds work, we'll most likely be looking into nannies because they seem by far to be the least expensive of all the other choices.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by MamitaM 

Don't try and scare her! The father may not get custody even though he is the one who stays at home with their current little one. Most of the time the mothers get custody,unless they are proven unfit or they chose to let the fathers have custody. Anyway she's only working 3 12 hour shifts a week so she's still spending quite a bit of time with her little one.

If you can switch to night shifts that may be good for you and you can get a student to come at night after the kids are in bed. They may even accept a lower pay if the childcare isn't to much more then just being there to make sure they stay safe at night and it gives them a chance to do home work.

It really depends on the laws in the state.  If dad is a SAHD, and loves his little girl like the OP says, he is the primary caregiver (depending on how many hours she works/week).  I don't know the laws in MA, but from what I know its a fairly liberal state, which means they probably aren't still on the "Mom always gets custody" bandwagon, since that still happens in mostly southern states (I know for a fact that the Mother gets custody 99% of the time in TN for example, since there is a legal presumption in favor of the mother in TN).

[MamitaM]

Really? I didn't really think that dads would get custody like that,but I guess in some cases even though the mom is a great mom and not abusive or anything if the dad was a stay at home dad he'd get custody. Maybe he doesn't want custody though even though he loves his daughter,since the OP did mention he wouldn't be much help at all with childcare if she left. I hope it works out in the way she wants it to though.

[singin'intherain]

When I got a divorce, I had been out of the work force for ten years. I had four kids (a lot more than op, I admit), and no education. The kids had spent their whole lives in my care, and had never been to any kind of day care. So frankly, I thought it was perfectly fair for  my ex to provide support while I continued to care for the kids until they got older. I don't see how OP's situation is all that different, except by degree of course (her kids are younger and fewer), and I wouldn't be at all surprised if the court sees it the same way. I would seriously consider trying to work out a custody schedule with ex where you have the kids when you aren't working, and pay him child support. He may be able to do what a lot of single moms do- piece together subsidized housing, food stamps, child support, and part time work, and make things work financially. Given the details you mentioned, this seems fair to me.

[quietmim]

thanks for all the input. You all have brought up things I hadn't yet even thought about.

 I would be amenable to paying him to watch the babies.  We aren't married.  My concern is that if he were to get a job he wouldn't be available to watch my children very much.  When he was working it was as a cook and he needed to work 60 hours just to afford an apartment.  The possiblity of him receiving support from the state, welfare and food stamps, and child support is interesting.  He is a good dad and he loves his little girl, but I do not believe he would seek custody.  We have only talked about it indirectly and I don't think he would be angry enough to seek custody for revenge...  hmmm, to think it is a possibilty is terrifying, though.  The truth is, despite the fact that he stays home, even he would consider me the primary caregiver.  I make all the decisions and complete all the major tasks.  Also, I only work 36 hours a week.  The bottom line is he would want to spend time with them and help care for them if we could work it out.

It is starting to feel like I am stuck with him.  I don't enjoy his company and I don't love him.  It isn't worse than that, there isn't abuse or anything.  I am just thinking now about the steps I would need to take to find true happiness, to be an example to my daughters of a life with some joy in it..  you know?

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by quietmim  

The bottom line is he would want to spend time with them and help care for them if we could work it out.

It's not an "if", if you want to split up, you will have to work with him to come up with a schedule so that both of you see the children often.  There are no "if it works out" he would want to see them, its a matter of finding times when he would be available to have them (probably based on a standard visitation schedule, although they can deviate based on the parents preference a bit), and making it happen.

Have a frank conversation with him.  Ask him what he would want - seeking custody isn't always about "revenge" - its about making sure that the arrangement is in the childs best interest.  If you get along well enough as co-parents its very possible that you can come up with a custody arrangement that works for both of you.  You'll need to be open to the fact that your children will spend time with him, and that means time away from you.  Including overnights, vacations, etc. 

"Only" working 36hours per week is still pretty much a full time work schedule.  Since thats only 3 shifts (3 x 12hours?), that might help, but just know that you work essentially full time, and he doesn't work.  By completing major parenting tasks what do you mean?  Courts aren't always concerned about the Major decision making, its more about who does the every-day grunge work.  Who changes diapers, feeds b-fast, lunch, dinner, takes the children to their dr appt's, and puts them to bed everynight, etc. 

Anyway, I wish you luck!!  If he doesn't want custody thats fine, but you would need to talk to him about it.

[quietmim]

I do ALL of the grunge work 4 days a week and every dr"s appt.  I do bedtime, bath, and dinner even on the days I work.  I dont believe he would seek custody, but that is a discussion I am getting the courage up to have soon.  It will be really hard to be away from them, but I do understand that he would need to spend time with them and we would have to find a way to make it work.  The *if* has to do with how to cover child care with two parents working.  I would need to support him partially financially for him to be able to provide some of the child care while I work, probably.  And maybe that could be done.  I can imagine us having an amicable relationship as our relationship has just been about appearances for years now.  The new baby is because I really thought until recently we had a chance to"rekindle the romance," and because I wanted her desperately,   Maybe we still do have a chance....   He doesn"t yet know how seriously I am considering these things, though he does know how unhappy I am.  He is unhappy, too, as evidenced by how rudely he treats me these days.  I need to have an honest conversation with him, which is something I am terrible at.  He never undrestands what I am getting at and starts making points that are really unrelated to my true concerns.

Anyway...  I got off topic.  Thanks again for all the responses, they have been truly helpful.

[Goodmom2008]

A father seeking custody isn't necessarily out of revenge so I wouldn't assume that should he decide he does want custody.

 

Originally Posted by quietmim 

We have only talked about it indirectly and I don't think he would be angry enough to seek custody for revenge...  

[quietmim]

I appreciate all the replies.  It is interesting that the same sort of thing happened here as when I try and talk to my partner.  He focuses on something that really has nothing to do with my concerns.  You were all right to bring the custody stuff up because I want to be as prepared as possible, but I do think he would seek or be granted custody for multiple reasons.  That is what I meant by the revenge comment, he isn't going to seek custody for all those reasons I haven't brought up, but if he did it would be for some reason other than that he thought he would be best for the children.

I am just so sad.

[Smithie]

I am sad for you, too, OP. I'm guessing that this isn't a super merry Christmas for you and yours. 

I think you need to talk to a lawyer and find out how things shake out in your state WRT physical custody, and how to best position yourself to be awarded primary physical custody. If there's no abuse, then what I would probably do in your situation is take your name off the credit cards and then not return to work after the birth of #2. Things may get pretty financially drastic before your husband is moved to find employment, but better that drama this year than to possibly lose your kids and/or wind up paying spousal support to an able-bodied man next year! The paradigm right now is not serving your interests and you don't believe that it would serve your children's interests to have your husband acknowledged by the court as a primary caregiver. (I know exactly what you mean about being the primary caregiver even though you're also the sole breadwinner - the 36-hour-a-week babysitter isn't an uncommon model for SAHDs, and in many families it's not even necessarily bad - the mom WANTS to be homemaking, making doctor appts, arranging playdates, picking schools etc etc, so it's not as though the dad is failing to give her the parenting support she's asking for by not taking on the primary role. That part's not the problem, The problem is a judge getting the wrong idea about how your family functions.)

So change the paradigm. All other concerns aside, if the person who has just given birth wants to have a SAH stint, then the other spouse needs to give them one. 

Once he's employed, you can maybe resume PT shifts using another childcare provider, and be ready to move into a FT position with existing childcare all lined up the day that you file and move out. Your ex will obviously want and should obviously have some amount of physical custody unless he's got some major issues you haven't mentioned here. I don't get the impression that you're seeking to deprive him of that - just that you worry about the divorce changing roles to an extreme degree and putting him in charge of your kids' raising when he is not currently and does not seek to be. I would be terribly worried about that if I were in your shoes. 

[Smithie]

... and I do "hear you" that you're not worried about custody - but you should be, at least to the extent of talking to a lawyer. You live with a guy who isn't a true primary caregiver and won't work to support the family. If you weren't scared of something, you'd have his suitcase out on the lawn right now and be telling him to go get a job and an apartment and let you know when he's set up for visitation. Childcare is not unaffordable for a nurse who is supporting herself and two kids, provided that she gets to keep her money instead of handing over a monthly chunk to her ex. 

[zebra15]

I just saw that your are NOT married.  That makes things easier.  There shouldn't be any alimony issues and you should just be able to leave.  You should just be able then go file at child support and let the 'wheel's turn (if you want to file for c.s.).  Is the father listed on the kids birth certificates?  If not the state will do DNA testing before even getting to child support.

If you have any joint accounts I would open my own and start keeping my paycheck seperate.  I would make up a budget based on my salary, call around for daycare rates, look for a sitter etc.  Make sure my health insurace was taken care of, again im assuming since you are the one employed you carry the coverage, make sure my credit was in good standing.

The kids father is an adult, adults need to be responsible.  If you are working 3*12, wonder why he isnt working the other days?  He could be working off hours, weekends etc.  It certainly sounds like the father has gotten comfortable with the current lifestyle.  2011 could be quite an awakening of sorts  huh?

[Lillitu]

Do you have other people around that also have kids, OP? One of the things that can be done is setting up a childcare co-op. You can have your kids play over at another family's home while you are at work, and have their kids play at yours when you are not. There is no reason to stay in a loveless relationship. You can also work out a joint custody arrangement so that he gets the kids when you work. There are options for you.