Need help and advice on restoring harmony to our home

[Nicoleandco]

I will try and condense this into one thread, because I think I could easily post this in almost every forum here!  

Like the title says, I need help and advice on restoring harmony in our home.  DDs (age just turned 3) behavior is really taking a toll on me and my husband.  I feel like most days are a huge waste because we are unable to function in a way that feels "normal". 

I know a lot of the behavior is normal and that it will pass with time and handling it the right way...but the rest...I'm just at a loss at what to do.  Most of the behavior is not "normal" in my experience.  

For example:  Dd is always tired, and this is at the root of her behavior, I think.  She does not nap and gets up very early in the morning (around 5/6).  I put her down early (around 5:30pm), but she does not always go to sleep.  She's been to drs and naturopaths, etc and there does not appear to be a medical reason.  Will continue to pursue it just in case. 

I'm just so frazzled by the constant meltdowns that I don't want to parent most days.  Every single thing turns into a disaster- projects, outings, changes.

She is also very sensitive to things.  We are nearly tv free because everything in movies scares her (I mean everything...she has been frightened by shows targeted at infants).  Tonight we sat down to watch a movie and within 5 minutes of the animation we had to turn it off.  She then threw a horrible fit about turning it off and proceeded to go into her room and throw things, cry, and scream.  

She is also quite mean and fierce at times, especially to children younger than her.  She will make this hissing, spitting sound both to me (when I tell her not to do something or upset her) and to younger kids if they come around her. 

She is not like this all the time, but quite often.  She is also extremely smart, playful, and has a wonderful imagination.  She can be the sweetest thing.  

We are attachment parents, we don't hit, spank, or shame.  Yelling, while it has happened, is not common at all in our home.  

I could use some help with dd and with learning how to continue making our home harmonious in the process.  

Thank you!!! 

[treegardner]

 

It definitely sounds like she is not getting enough sleep. I would really work on having her nap or at the very least lay down for quiet time everyday. What happens when she becomes frightened by something on TV or a movie? Could she be feeding off of your perceptions of what she "should" be frightened of? Hugs. I hope you find a way to work through this challenging time.

[Nicoleandco]

Thanks for your response.  She has quiet time each day, but it doesn't seem to do much.  

I really don't know why she gets scared...I don't even try to turn on tv that I think she would/should be scared of.  We never watch Disney movies, or anything with violence.  

[K1329]

I hate to just simply blame her age, but... 3 was the most difficult and frustrating age for me with dd (now 7). Everything was a battle. Overreactions and meltdowns were the norm and not a rare occurance. Dh absolutely refused to ask her to brush her teeth, etc. for a solid year. He would just get too frustrated and couldn't handle it. I could barely handle it, myself. I chose to ignore the meltdowns - acknowledge the reason - you're not happy because you can't... then walk away and ignore it. I also heeded the advice "pick your battles". I let a TON of things slide. If she wouldn't hurt herself, or, if it wasn't earth shatteringly important, I decided I didn't care. I pretended not to see, ignored it, let her have her way, and asked very little of her. But, when I did ask her to do something (very rarely), I insisted that it happened/got done, even though it was a monstrous battle. I really believe that 3 is an impossible age for some kids. The good news... she outgrew most of the behaviors and is a delightful, intelligent, funny, kind, responsible 7 year old.

Thankfully, ds is a different personality type, or something. 3 with him has been a breeze...

[Tigerchild]

Soooo not what you want to hear right now, I'm sure...but...I do think that this is probably a personality/age-stage issue.

Some kids are naturally more intense and more sensitive.  I have one, and she turns 9 next week and life is still sometimes a struggle as we slowly are working towards her developing more self-regulation skills (she is getting there!).

What has helped me regain harmony within myself and our home is cultivating a sense of humor and humility.  With emphasis on the former.  I have found that my DD has ultimately been a huge gift to me, because I have learned how to be kinder and more compassionate (if exasperated on many occasions) than I ever would have otherwise.

I think that you can't rely on your children's behavior to have peace within your home and yourself.  This was a very bitter pill to swallow for me, an introvert who sometimes has a hard time dealing with other people in my space even if they're quiet and and not being demanding/tantruming.  DD has  forced me to be able to seek and find and grab on to harmony within myself.

My main mantras have been "It's not personal, it's developmental," and "I can choose to be at peace with this season of my life."  There have been times that I have resented not being able to do some of the things that "everyone does" because of DD's sensitivities.  (No Santa pictures, no going out to the occasional movie treat, no dinner parties at our house, ect.)  slowly I have been able to incorporate them.  Not as fast as I would like, probably not as slowly as she would like, but we have found our ways to dance in compromise.

[fancyoats]

she sounds a lot like my daughter who turned three this past october.  lots of battles and meltdowns and oppositional stuff.  i assume because she is really working on this whole independence thing.  i've heard that three year olds are a lot like teenagers, really trying to establish their identities as separate from their parents, that kind of thing.  it's a tough stage, many of my playgroup friends have warned me about age 3.  the "terrible twos" really should be the "terrible threes" instead because 2 was a breeze, relatively speaking.

in my dd, i definitely notice that her mood is worse when she is hungry so i try to have snacks available constantly.  add in tired, (or off your routine -- as in holiday craziness or a new baby like we've got) and you get the perfect storm of crankiness.  hang in there.  this too shall pass.

[ASusan]

DS gradually turned into a whiny, fragile boy with mini-meltdowns at the slightest re-direction or "no" for the 6 weeks after he turned 3. I started him on Focus Factor for Kids one Monday morning 3 weeks ago, and by evening, we had our old, sweet flexible, easy-going boy back. Seriously. The 2 days we've missed a dose, he's been crying/whining by dinner time. Other days, we have NO crying, no meltdowns, and viturally NO whining (none that we even have to address or remind him not to whine. He might be doing a little bit of whine, but not enough for us to notice).

I never used to believe people when they wrote that their child's behavior was so easy to tie to a supplement, vitamin, or even a food. (DS has food allergies, and it's often been a guess linking a specific food to a specific reaction - physical or behavioral.)

[LynnS6]

Some reading suggestions for you:

1. The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron

2. Kids Parents & Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

3. Playful Parenting

I would also recommend going completely TV free for a while. 3 year olds don't need TV and if she's that sensitive to the content, it's just not worth it. We don't do movies at our house because our kids freaked out. I think we watched our first movie at home when dd was 5, and that was Mary Poppins -- not very scary.

Part of it is the age. 3 year olds aren't very harmonious at times. It's OK to set boundaries. It's also hard because she needs to learn to deal with frustration, and there's a lot of trial and error figuring out how to best help her do that -- does she need a cuddle and a hug? Does she need to be left alone?

[cappuccinosmom]

I don't remember about my other kids, but I know my youngest basically was insane for about 6 months after he turned 3.

What made the biggest difference was me just plodding on, not emotionally responding or getting frustrated, and doling out consequences completely consistently, calmly, and dispassionately.  And laughing. 'Cause if I could get past my emotional response, sometimes it was just funny. 

[VisionaryMom]

Sleeping (or expecting her to since it seems she doesn't always) from 5:30 PM - 5/6 AM and then having a nap is a lot of sleep. Neither of my children slept that much at her age. DS needs minimal sleep to function. He probably got 7-8 hours a night at that age. DD is closer to average - probably needing 10-11 hours without a nap (but with a "rest period" if she's too overwhelmed during the day). I don't know that I'd push for more sleep. I may be inclined to see if she does better with going to bed at, say, 7 PM.

Although DS is still intense & anxious, he's significantly better than he was at 3. He did all of the things you mention. Though I think all children do to some degree, there definitely are children for whom it's a more challenging age. We really cut back to asking for the most basic things from him and changing where we went. We mostly attended things that allowed free access in & out or where he could run (a potluck held at a park, for example).

[ssh]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

Sleeping (or expecting her to since it seems she doesn't always) from 5:30 PM - 5/6 AM and then having a nap is a lot of sleep. Neither of my children slept that much at her age. DS needs minimal sleep to function. He probably got 7-8 hours a night at that age. DD is closer to average - probably needing 10-11 hours without a nap (but with a "rest period" if she's too overwhelmed during the day). I don't know that I'd push for more sleep. I may be inclined to see if she does better with going to bed at, say, 7 PM.

10 to 12 hours of sleep in a 24 hours period is normal for age 3. It sounds like your DD is getting 11.5 to 12.5 per night. Does she always get up at 5 or 6 regardless of when she goes to bed? Have you tried letting her go to bed when she's tired, to see what her natural sleep rhythm looks like? Does she play outside everyday or have the opportunity for indoor gross motor play? Not having enough physical play can cause moodiness and fatigue. We always found painting and water play to have a calming effect on our DD.
 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild 
What has helped me regain harmony within myself and our home is cultivating a sense of humor and humility.  ....

I think that you can't rely on your children's behavior to have peace within your home and yourself. 

I totally agree with this. I practice yoga, and part of yoga is finding that quiet space in side yourself in spite of what is going on. To paraphase Gandi, "be the peace that you want to feel in your family."  As long as your peace depends on your child(ren) finding their peace, no one in your family will feel peace.

(And take breaks for yourself. Leave her with your partner or other trusted adult and take time to yourself that is restorative to you.)

On a side note, are all her milestones on track? Is she sensitive to textures, noises, etc.? What she's going through can be completely normal for a 3 year old, but it could also be a sign that something more is going on, such as a sensory processing problem.

[MeepyCat]

She could be tired (although I agree that 12 hours of rest/sleep should be sufficient) and she could also be hungry.  That last one has been a big struggle for our family with our DS.  He gets terribly cranky when he's hungry, but he also doesn't connect the way he feels with a need to eat.  We make snacks available, we try to plan meals for *before* the meltdown stage, and we still often have to insist that he eat.  I feel bad about that last sometimes - on the one hand, I want my son to control his eating and be aware of his appetite.  On the other, I don't want to experience the epic tantrums.  Lately, we have figured out three or four foods that he'll eat without being nagged, and I will cook those things every dang day if I have to. 

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by ssh 

10 to 12 hours of sleep in a 24 hours period is normal for age 3. It sounds like your DD is getting 11.5 to 12.5 per night. Does she always get up at 5 or 6 regardless of when she goes to bed? Have you tried letting her go to bed when she's tired, to see what her natural sleep rhythm looks like? Does she play outside everyday or have the opportunity for indoor gross motor play? Not having enough physical play can cause moodiness and fatigue. We always found painting and water play to have a calming effect on our DD.
 

She's getting 11.5 to 12.5 at night but still expected to take a nap. I think that for many, many children this age, that's too much sleep to expect.