need advice...is this an olive branch or just the ex being tricky?

[waiting2bemommy]

 

It basically said that she wanted to call me but wasn't sure how i'd feel, so she emailed. She was sorry for the way things had happened with the ex but she still would like to be part of ds's life, nso he won't grow up wondering why his family wasn't involved. She left ehr phone number and said she hopes I call her soon.

My ex called on ds birthday and wanted to talk to him. I allowed him to speak to ds briefly after which he asked for pictures. I emailed a few pictures to him, he responded thanking me (a first) and then disappeared back into his black hole. He had asked if he could show them to his cousin and I said that was fine.     Today I received an email from his cousin.

In all honesty I would rather be rid of the ex entirely. He's a loser and an abusive UAV. but I don't know if it's fair to automatically lump his cousin (a female, if that matters) in with him. She once gave ds a present when we lived there, and she seems to be a fairly decent person.

How would you respond?

[sapphire_chan]

I don't see why being in touch with the cousin would have to involve your ex in anyway. If a relative of mine ended up being horrible, I'd want to stay involved with their kids.  And, please correct me if I'm wrong, your ex isn't actively awful, there's just a history and he's just not around for the kids at all?

I say call her up. Maybe things could start off with a less intense sort of connection like emailing her pictures when you email them to other family? With an email connection, it'd be super easy to cut her off if she starts trying to push your ex on you or your ds or anything.

[waiting2bemommy]

I guess I'm just terrified that she will begin to care for ds like I do and then start to pester her cousin to see ds, spend time with him, etc.

Which I do not want. It would not be good for ds but would just confuse him. I mean if ex was going to be a good dad, ok fine, but at this point in ds life for him to just pop up and start being involved would really shake things up and I frankly don't think it would last.

Does that make any sense or does it sound totally selfish and ridiculous?

[Avani]

My ex is a very bad man but I do keep in touch with a good part of his family. However that family is no longer in contact with him due to what he did to the kids and I. If being in touch with the cousin means possibly being in touch with ex I wouldn't do it. If you don't trust the father around your son and there is the possiblity that the cousin would bring the ex around the child I wouldn't do it. Clarify intentions and boundaries first.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

I guess I'm just terrified that she will begin to care for ds like I do and then start to pester her cousin to see ds, spend time with him, etc.

Which I do not want. It would not be good for ds but would just confuse him. I mean if ex was going to be a good dad, ok fine, but at this point in ds life for him to just pop up and start being involved would really shake things up and I frankly don't think it would last.

Does that make any sense or does it sound totally selfish and ridiculous?

Nope. It makes you sound like a good, concerned mama.I would think long and hard about allowing this person in your ds's life unsupervised by you.

There are members of ex's family that are involved in ds's life and I wouldn't change it for the world. Ex's grandparents are wonderful people and have been absolutely wonderful to me, even when ex and I were breaking up (and he was telling the whole family that I kidnapped ds and wouldn't let him see him or wouldn't tell him where ds was, etc). They have sent ds cards/gifts on every single holiday and birthday. I keep up with them through emails and facebook. They live in Tennessee so anytime we drive through we try to meet them so they can see ds. They actually just sent dp and I a card with some money for our wedding. That is how sweet they are.

And then there are members of ex's family that I wish would just disappear. Ex's sister is around, on and off, at her convenience. In October when she saw ds (supervised by me, even!) she was filling ds's head with all sorts of ideas that, quite frankly, were none of her business. She could have talked to ds about anything in the world, but she chose to talk to him about ex. She doesn't get that the whole situation IS. NOT. HER. BUSINESS. I do not have to let her see ds when ex is being a flake and not showing up for visits. But I do because I don't really want to cut any of the family out of ds's life (ex's sister has 2 kids that ds does enjoy playing with). But after October I made it very clear to her that she needs to cut it off, or I will cut her out.

[sapphire_chan]

I'd consider that reasons not to allow visits, but I don't see where that'd prevent you having more contact with the cousin in general.

[MeepyCat]

The cousin's email rubs me the wrong way a little - she wants to be in touch with your son so that he won't wonder why his "real family" wasn't in his life?  What are you, his fake family?

If you do keep in touch with her, I would assume that everything you tell her gets to the ex.  If you think you can cope with that, I don't see why you couldn't send her some pics now and again.

[myra_mcgray]

 

Originally Posted by MeepyCat 

The cousin's email rubs me the wrong way a little - she wants to be in touch with your son so that he won't wonder why his "real family" wasn't in his life?  What are you, his fake family?

If you do keep in touch with her, I would assume that everything you tell her gets to the ex.  If you think you can cope with that, I don't see why you couldn't send her some pics now and again.