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Miserable step mom.Step kids dont like me?

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 

I have been married for 5 years to an awesome guy...

I moved in 5 1/2 years ago to a little home that my husband had bought in WI. He had 2 children from a previous marriage. At the time Nikki was 8 and Alex was 10. I myself had a 6 year old girl. Once I moved in my husbands ex made life very difficult for us...numerous emails and threats how if we don't get married that me living there was against there parental agreement. So we were married very quickly. The first couple times I met his kids they were respectful and nice. After a while I would hear things there mom was saying about me calling me "whore" or "fat pig". I dealt with this for a while and noticed the kids would be very sarcastic with me and my daughter(making fun of her). Now 5 years have come and gone and I think my stepson is okay with me but my step daughter is very disrespectful. She is rude and nasty to me...we just came back from a trip to mall of America in Minnesota. From day one she has complained and fought with me about were she going to sleep, how cheap the hotel was (it was nice to me) and how she cant believe we gave her a gift card instead of cash... Its been so hard these past years. My husband doesn't want to upset her so he lets her be mean to me. I think he thinks she will not come back if he addresses the disrespect. I have to hear constantly how i should be glad i have my kids (we now have a little baby together also) and how he only sees his every other week. His ex has disrespected me and I think after hearing her put me down for so many years the kids think its okay. This is my Christmas break too, dont I have a right to enjoy it stress free...Im miserable and have no one to speak to on this. There grandma just shrugs it off as "oh there just growing". I know teens often are disrespectful but this is crazy disrespectful. She pushes me, she puts me down constantly and im just supposed to take it.::(

post #2 of 8

I honestly think that if you don't have your husband's support, this isn't going to improve.  

 

I'd go on strike.  I would stop allowing myself and my own children to be a part of that.  If dad and he daughter want some special time together, that's great.  But, you aren't going to put yourself in that setting.  So, go out for pizza and look at christmas lights while dad and daughter enjoy some alone time.  (and fix their own dinner)

 

Her attitude may have been shaped by her mom, and reinforced by her dad.  But, she's 13 now, and she's old enough to make her own choices.   I remember that my mom spent years saying little things about my aunt's behavior.  (it was all true) and it formed my opinion of her.  But, one summer I spent a month at her house, and while everything my mom said about her WAS true, I learned that I liked my aunt anyway.  Despite her problems, she's a very kind, generous woman.  I formed my own opinion and when I came back, I asked my mom why she think Aunt V is such a bad person.  My mom was shocked that I thought that.   So, she never meant for me to pick up on that.  

 

But, when I got to my aunt's house, my aunt expected respect from me.  She wouldn't be spoken down to.  I seriously doubt she would have ever actually DONE anything, but, I treated her the way she expected me to, and learned quickly to appreciate her.

 

You are not "lucky" to have your own kids with you.  He and his ex wife made that choice.  They weren't forced into a failed marriage.  So, don't buy into that sob story.  

 

Work on YOU.  You deserve respect.  You deserve to enjoy you vacation without some surly teenager slopping around the house and spewing mean things.  But, if you tolerate it, there's no reason for her to stop.  Kids this age don't deserve to be treated as if they are the center of your life.  By this age, they need to work with everyone, and treat others as they want to be treated.  You can't go to your child's school and be snotty to half the parents there, and expect them to be nice to you.  You treat them the way you want them to treat you.  There's no reason your step daughter should have special rights to be rude to you and have you be nice to her in return.

 

post #3 of 8

It sounds like you and dh need to have a talk, in the presence of a counselor if you can, so that you can get your express your feelings.  Regardless of what you dh's ex thinks or says, you should not be disrespected in your own home and your dh should understand and support you in that.  

post #4 of 8

The problem is with your husband, not with the girl.

 

You need marriage counseling because the bottom line is that your husband doesn't care if you are miserable.

 

This line is esp. concerning, "She pushes me,"

 

If you have someone else to go for a few days, then get away from this nonsense.
 

Teens are sometimes disrespectful and sometimes talk complete crap. That's why they still have parents, so we can teach them better.

 

You need marriage counseling.

 

post #5 of 8

I have a 12 year daughter....all mine that has behaved that way to me. She has had me in tears. But that is when my dh steps in and tells her not knock the crap of. When she does it to him, I am the one that yanks her butt -- as we put it.

 

Please understand her behavior is very normal. But your dh needs to step in and defend his wife. He needs to pull her in close and say, "I do not care if you like OP, but this is the behavior I expect of you ---."

 

You still need to treat her respectfully (I am assuming you are). Understand this situation can be hard for your dh. He loves you both and most likely is feeling pitted between you too. I do agree a councilor can help him manage through this.  He needs help learning to parent and to love his daughter......This is a very hard age for dads of daughters.  

 

I also think you need to find respectful ways to deal with her.  

post #6 of 8

It might get better as the children age,but personally I would be VERY resentful of my dh if he allowed it to continue. I would expect my husband to lay down the law-Treat your stepmom with respect or don't visit.Yes,it would be hard on dh,but really it is the right thing to do.The kids would do as they are told or be sent home.It is not acceptable that you are treated in this manner.Do you allow your dd to treat stepdad with disrespect daily? I doubt you would,because you know how it feels.

 

It is never to late for him to step up.It is not a matter of choosing you over them if he just tells his kids to be good toward you.It is just common decency.He THINKS it is a choice of you over them,and so he did make a choice-his bio kids. If that happened to me I would kind of feel like a housekeeper not a wife,and would probably seperate from dh. Life is far to short to live it miserable. I think counseling is needed.A professional can help you both work through this so you come to an acceptable arrangement.Don't just let it go on as hard as it is to confront the issue.

post #7 of 8

I have to agree that the parents need to lay down the law. I told my two that no one said they had to like or love their stepmother - that was something only they could decide - but I would be damned if they treated her in any way but with respect. If I had even an inkling that they did otherwise, whatever consequences they may have suffered at their Dad's would be carried over once they came home. And if there were no consequences? I would impose my own. Because it not only reflected upon them as people, it also reflected upon me as a parent.

 

Dad needs a sharp stick to the eye if he continues allowing this behavior.

post #8 of 8

I agree with the posters who say you need marriage counseling. The problem here is your dh, not your stepdaughter. There is no way in the world that I'd allow ds1 to treat dh like that, and there's no way your dh should be allowing it, either. He's also being disrespectful to you, imo, by allowing you to be treated this way, and by framing it as "you're lucky to have your kids". I'm sure it's hard to not have his kids living with him, but he has no business taking that out on you.

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