AP overboard b/c I SAH?

[MommaLura]

I've had some things come up that are causing problems with family, both h and in laws. Maybe life in general. I babywear, nurse on demand, ect. I also can't lay my 3.5 month old down to sleep by herself and she's never had a bottle. We're trying to repair our relationship with h's family, but mil wants to watch the kids. She says she has plenty of baby stuff, just leave pumped milk, diapers and go. She has 6 other grandbabies (all raised hands off) and I'm not comfortable leaving my baby. I think my dd will be forced to cio and put on a 2 hour feeding schedule, not to mention the messed up sleep. Because of that h is mad and says I don't want to try and its my fault things aren't working out.

The back story is dd has reflux and both dd and ds have food intolerances. I'm depressed, the house is a mess, I can hardly eat more than two foods if I want to get sleep and have a comfortable baby. Mil wants to help. I think she's truly concerned about my well being, but I also feel like I am being judged for my ap parenting (She made the comment that I can't keep the baby in a cocoon or I should go lay her down in another room.) She also says my posting on facebook hurts her feelings and she expects me to go to her large family parties and to socialize. She got onto me for hiding in the kids play room. I hate large crowds and kinda freak out. Seriously the 13 kids were too much! She also thinks I should just leave my 3 y/o with 12 other kids he's not use to without any adult supervision (if anything I can ask a 6 y/o to help watch). <Sigh> I'm overwhelmed and feel like I have to give up my parenting and what makes me comfortable to please her and to have a family. I need an outside perspective. Am I too protective? Is AP ruining my families life? Any other ideas? I could go on and on, but if you made it this far through my rambling, thank you! I know it makes little sense and I usually convey my ideas better in writing, but even after a night I'm still a little upset and can't think.

Here's the worse part: I just want to run away and avoid all of it

[VisionaryMom]

I think AP can go too far, and yes that's easier when you SAH. We have friends now who we've distanced ourselves from largely because of this reason. Their daughter, who will be 2 in a couple of weeks, cannot be put down without becoming a screaming, sobbing mess. It's really ridiculous to be honest. I actually saw her mom try to put on her sandals but be unable to because she refused to just PUT HER DD DOWN for the 45 seconds it would take. Instead she tried to balance on one leg while her husband put on her shoes. That's an unhealthy situation all around, and the result is that everyone else ends up doing EVERYTHING for them, including taking care of her older child, because she never has hands-free. She worked when he was small, and I think that's the difference. She had to leave him during the day.

I don't think I ever left my kids when they were 3.5 months old, and I think that's perfectly fine not to do if you don't want to. If you're only worried about the CIO, 2-hour feedings, etc. (not that those aren't big, I just mean if there aren't other concerns), then what about leaving her while you go out for coffee? Those things wouldn't be issues then, and you can easily spin it as "getting comfortable leaving her alone without me."

As for your 3YO, obviously you have to consider safety, but I don't see that as a concern. I don't know many 3YOs who wouldn't love to be allowed in a playroom with other children. "Knowing them" isn't so much as issue for kids at that age. Even my very sensitive, anxious child enjoyed playing with other kids at 3.

[ambersrose]

Your infant is still so young I think it is natural for you to not want to leave her yet. I do the same with my infants. Your toddler however is old enough to be given some freedom to explore without you in a safe environment.  Studies have shown that excessive parental involvement is detrimental to children in the long run.  I recommend the book the power of play, by David Elkind, Ph.D.   You can still be AP and not hover over your children.  As long as a child knows where mommy is so that he/she can come to her when and if needed then you are being a present parent.  I know we all want to be the best moms we can be and it is hard to know what is the right thing to do.  ((hugs))

[MommaLura]

Ok, real quick cause I'm running out for last minute Christmas gifts...

My ds was fine with all the kids, I was nervous because one child was aggressive. Flying toys and shoving freak me out a little. I usually am more hands off with him as he likes. It was Thanksgiving Day when the playroom incident happened and there were just shy of 50 people there in a very large house my in laws just bought, so all new to us. Ds didn't like to be set down when he was little, but once he could crawl his independence started to grow. He does still need help going to sleep and prefers to sleep with someone over alone. My dd loves being set down for wiggle time or some time alone in the swing. I've had her fuss until I set her down (took a few times to figure that one out ) She loves interacting with people too. Smil will only take both or none. And none means I'm not trying. I'm not ready to leave dd, I'm worried about my milk supply (already feels low, but hanging on) and dd doesn't just fall asleep.

I guess I really am overreacting, but its hard to let go of my baby and she's my last.

[ambersrose]

Originally Posted by MommaLura 

Ok, real quick cause I'm running out for last minute Christmas gifts...

My ds was fine with all the kids, I was nervous because one child was aggressive. Flying toys and shoving freak me out a little. I usually am more hands off with him as he likes. It was Thanksgiving Day when the playroom incident happened and there were just shy of 50 people there in a very large house my in laws just bought, so all new to us. Ds didn't like to be set down when he was little, but once he could crawl his independence started to grow. He does still need help going to sleep and prefers to sleep with someone over alone. My dd loves being set down for wiggle time or some time alone in the swing. I've had her fuss until I set her down (took a few times to figure that one out ) She loves interacting with people too. Smil will only take both or none. And none means I'm not trying. I'm not ready to leave dd, I'm worried about my milk supply (already feels low, but hanging on) and dd doesn't just fall asleep.

I guess I really am overreacting, but its hard to let go of my baby and she's my last.

 Sounds like you are doing great then.  Most people (adults and children) prefer sleeping with another person next to them so dont let that make you feel bad.  Lots of stay at home mothers do not leave their infant children with anyone else that first six months to a year.  If your MIL can not respect that and insists you let her watch both of the kids or none then she is missing out.  I dont think you are overreacting. 

[Chamomile Girl]

You are not overreacting!  What your MIL is doing is bullying you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable.  That is NOT a healthy way to reestablish "healthy" contact with your family.  Its not ok.

I think having her watch the older child for a short time is perfectly fair.  Your babe will grow, and as she does Gma will be able to meet her needs better.

Your husband needs to back you up on this one.

[D_McG]

I'd be looking for a more middle ground too (like visionary mom says).  Why does it offend your MIL that you post on FB though?

You don't sound happy and it does sound like some changes might help.

[maryeb]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl 

You are not overreacting!  What your MIL is doing is bullying you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable.  That is NOT a healthy way to reestablish "healthy" contact with your family.  Its not ok.

I think having her watch the older child for a short time is perfectly fair.  Your babe will grow, and as she does Gma will be able to meet her needs better.

Your husband needs to back you up on this one.

I totally agree here.  My family was like this to a point but they have backed off consideraby and are great with my older son now.  Many mamas don't leave their infants-that is fine and normal in my world....you are not overreacting imo. 
 

[goldingoddess]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

I think AP can go too far, and yes that's easier when you SAH. We have friends now who we've distanced ourselves from largely because of this reason. Their daughter, who will be 2 in a couple of weeks, cannot be put down without becoming a screaming, sobbing mess. It's really ridiculous to be honest. I actually saw her mom try to put on her sandals but be unable to because she refused to just PUT HER DD DOWN for the 45 seconds it would take. Instead she tried to balance on one leg while her husband put on her shoes. That's an unhealthy situation all around, and the result is that everyone else ends up doing EVERYTHING for them, including taking care of her older child, because she never has hands-free. She worked when he was small, and I think that's the difference. She had to leave him during the day.

I really do not think AP parenting can be blamed for the personality of a child.  I think some children can be difficult, and if you happened to be an AP parent then people will blame it on your parenting rather than the personality of the child.   Her daughter is 2, and sometimes a two year old does not want to be put down, I really doubt it has to do with a parenting style.  Just my $0.02

As for your situation OP, your MIL sounds like a real piece of work trying to bully you, and no I would not leave my 3.5 month old with someone who did not have the same parenting philosophies as me.  Your children, your choice, you do not sound overboard to me AT ALL.

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by goldingoddess 

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

I think AP can go too far, and yes that's easier when you SAH. We have friends now who we've distanced ourselves from largely because of this reason. Their daughter, who will be 2 in a couple of weeks, cannot be put down without becoming a screaming, sobbing mess. It's really ridiculous to be honest. I actually saw her mom try to put on her sandals but be unable to because she refused to just PUT HER DD DOWN for the 45 seconds it would take. Instead she tried to balance on one leg while her husband put on her shoes. That's an unhealthy situation all around, and the result is that everyone else ends up doing EVERYTHING for them, including taking care of her older child, because she never has hands-free. She worked when he was small, and I think that's the difference. She had to leave him during the day.

I really do not think AP parenting can be blamed for the personality of a child.  I think some children can be difficult, and if you happened to be an AP parent then people will blame it on your parenting rather than the personality of the child.   Her daughter is 2, and sometimes a two year old does not want to be put down, I really doubt it has to do with a parenting style.  Just my $0.02

As for your situation OP, your MIL sounds like a real piece of work trying to bully you, and no I would not leave my 3.5 month old with someone who did not have the same parenting philosophies as me.  Your children, your choice, you do not sound overboard to me AT ALL.

I agree. My SIL is VERY anti-AP and her dd sounds just like what is described here. She has gotten to just screaming and threatening to hit her when her dd cries. THAT'S unhealthy. I have never personally seen AP go too far.

[cappuccinosmom]

I don't think it's necessarily AP or SAHM.  The two can be seperate, or the two can be way overboard, but IMO it's personality more than anything, whether that happens.  You're not avoiding get-togethers because you SAH, you are uncomfortable with them because of your anxiety.  You wouldn't be less anxious if you handed your tiny baby over to someone else for hours on end.  Does your MIL understand that you are dealing with depression and anxiety?

For the record, I'm not sure my oldest slept more than 2 hours at a time until he was one year old.  Nursed on demand, miserable colicky baby, never wanted to be put down.  Total fog of sleep deprivation insanity.  :(  He is now a thriving, smart, emotionally and socially healthy 7 year old.    There is no reason you should ever feel guilty for keeping your 3.5 month old baby with you, for heaven's sake.  Perhaps if your MIL insists that you "need a break" you could have ready some alternative helpful things she could do, like bring you a meal, or something. 

[sosurreal09]

Originally Posted by MommaLura 

I've had some things come up that are causing problems with family, both h and in laws. Maybe life in general. I babywear, nurse on demand, ect. I also can't lay my 3.5 month old down to sleep by herself and she's never had a bottle. We're trying to repair our relationship with h's family, but mil wants to watch the kids. She says she has plenty of baby stuff, just leave pumped milk, diapers and go. She has 6 other grandbabies (all raised hands off) and I'm not comfortable leaving my baby. I think my dd will be forced to cio and put on a 2 hour feeding schedule, not to mention the messed up sleep. Because of that h is mad and says I don't want to try and its my fault things aren't working out.

The back story is dd has reflux and both dd and ds have food intolerances. I'm depressed, the house is a mess, I can hardly eat more than two foods if I want to get sleep and have a comfortable baby. Mil wants to help. I think she's truly concerned about my well being, but I also feel like I am being judged for my ap parenting (She made the comment that I can't keep the baby in a cocoon or I should go lay her down in another room.) She also says my posting on facebook hurts her feelings and she expects me to go to her large family parties and to socialize. She got onto me for hiding in the kids play room. I hate large crowds and kinda freak out. Seriously the 13 kids were too much! She also thinks I should just leave my 3 y/o with 12 other kids he's not use to without any adult supervision (if anything I can ask a 6 y/o to help watch). <Sigh> I'm overwhelmed and feel like I have to give up my parenting and what makes me comfortable to please her and to have a family. I need an outside perspective. Am I too protective? Is AP ruining my families life? Any other ideas? I could go on and on, but if you made it this far through my rambling, thank you! I know it makes little sense and I usually convey my ideas better in writing, but even after a night I'm still a little upset and can't think.

Here's the worse part: I just want to run away and avoid all of it

just going to comment on the original post.

I would not leave a 3.5m/o with anyone except DH and only for a short period of time.

Of course you're house is a wreck and you're life is hectic you have a3.5 m/o and a 3 y/o!

If she really wants to help invite her over to watch the kids while you are still there and you can clean/take a nap/shower do whatever you feel needs to be done

I would unfriend her or block her from seeing certain things OR just tell her I feel very strongly about my parenting choices and want to spread the word there are other options to CIO, FF, strollers or whatever it is you are posting.

also if DH won't back you up he needs to change his priorities.

[Schae]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

Originally Posted by MommaLura 

I've had some things come up that are causing problems with family, both h and in laws. Maybe life in general. I babywear, nurse on demand, ect. I also can't lay my 3.5 month old down to sleep by herself and she's never had a bottle. We're trying to repair our relationship with h's family, but mil wants to watch the kids. She says she has plenty of baby stuff, just leave pumped milk, diapers and go. She has 6 other grandbabies (all raised hands off) and I'm not comfortable leaving my baby. I think my dd will be forced to cio and put on a 2 hour feeding schedule, not to mention the messed up sleep. Because of that h is mad and says I don't want to try and its my fault things aren't working out.

The back story is dd has reflux and both dd and ds have food intolerances. I'm depressed, the house is a mess, I can hardly eat more than two foods if I want to get sleep and have a comfortable baby. Mil wants to help. I think she's truly concerned about my well being, but I also feel like I am being judged for my ap parenting (She made the comment that I can't keep the baby in a cocoon or I should go lay her down in another room.) She also says my posting on facebook hurts her feelings and she expects me to go to her large family parties and to socialize. She got onto me for hiding in the kids play room. I hate large crowds and kinda freak out. Seriously the 13 kids were too much! She also thinks I should just leave my 3 y/o with 12 other kids he's not use to without any adult supervision (if anything I can ask a 6 y/o to help watch). <Sigh> I'm overwhelmed and feel like I have to give up my parenting and what makes me comfortable to please her and to have a family. I need an outside perspective. Am I too protective? Is AP ruining my families life? Any other ideas? I could go on and on, but if you made it this far through my rambling, thank you! I know it makes little sense and I usually convey my ideas better in writing, but even after a night I'm still a little upset and can't think.

Here's the worse part: I just want to run away and avoid all of it

just going to comment on the original post.

I would not leave a 3.5m/o with anyone except DH and only for a short period of time.

Of course you're house is a wreck and you're life is hectic you have a3.5 m/o and a 3 y/o!

If she really wants to help invite her over to watch the kids while you are still there and you can clean/take a nap/shower do whatever you feel needs to be done

I would unfriend her or block her from seeing certain things OR just tell her I feel very strongly about my parenting choices and want to spread the word there are other options to CIO, FF, strollers or whatever it is you are posting.

also if DH won't back you up he needs to change his priorities.

I totally agree!!

 

[CherryBombMama]

OP, your MIL could be my MIL!

i refused to leave ds1 with her for various reasons, but most importantly because i believed she would purposely do things that i felt strongly against. but after many harsh words were exchanged, i realized that my baby was her grandchild. she loved that baby, even though she expressed it totally differently from me. so i started VERY small. she watched ds1 when he was around 2 months while dh and i ran to get milk. just milk lol. then she would watch him here and there (we had pumped milk) for maybe an hour so dh and i could go grocery shopping. the we asked them to watch ds1 while we went to the movies .... at night, after we had put him to bed (around 4 months.) we did that a few times, and my MIL just loved it! she always went away with a smile, knowing that she "watched" her grandson, even though he was asleep lol. the older he got, the more time i left him with her, but never over 3 hours.

ds2 is 4 months, and i have never left him, mostly because he just doesnt like her too much.

if your MIL only wants to watch both of them, for a long period of time and during the day, she might have to wait a very long time, because you are not being overly protective or unreasonable.

and i never would leave my 3 y/o with an aggressive child in a crowded room. you were right in that too.

and i have found that my MIL appreciates any help that i ask for. i hate asking for help, but i swallow my pride and ask her to do anything i can think of, esp when she is over and its night time. i bath the boys, and ask her to dress them. she loves that! or i ask her to feed my 20m old (and to make her even happier i usually give him something that contains milk. dont ask why lol) she used to offer to clean or make dinner and i didnt want to seem needy so i would decline, but now i see how much  i hurt her feelings, so now i gladly accept, and she goes off and cleans my kitchen while i play with my boys.

you MIL is definitely bullying you, but you can use it to your advantage and try to be the better person. obviously dont do anything youre not comfortable with, but she is just trying to get to know her family (which are your children.)

[sosurreal09]

how far does MIL live?

[Spring Lily]

Your MIL is being very controlling and manipulative. And also wanting to help. the help is fine, but it needs to be on your terms because you are the parent, not her. She doesn't get to make those parenting judgement calls about when to feed or how to put her down. If she doesn't follow your wishes, then she is not respecting your and your DH's boundaries. Because yes, he needs to be united with you on the parenting choices.

You can work with her on this, which will give her opportunities to build your trust. Start slow, like have her come over and watch the babies while you get a shower, short nap, cook some meals, (maybe double a dinner and freeze a batch, something useful like that to really maximize your time), etc. You won't be hovering, but you'll overhear how it's going and will get an idea of how she's doing with them.

I don't know about you, but when I had my 2nd (&3rd) , I felt like my 1st child took more energy at times. When family offered to help, it really was easier for me to cope if they took my oldest to the park for a couple of hours for me! You can put the boundary on your MIL, nicely, letting her know that the best way she can help is by doing xyz with your 3 year old. In fact, stop listening to what she thinks you need and tell her what help you do need!

Facebook: if she can't handle being your friend, you can make her an "exception" in the privacy settings for your status updates, which will block her from seeing them and your wall. When you post an update and don't mind her seeing it, there is an icon next to the status update box that you can click to unblock her from that update. Why do I know? Because that's what I do with my MIL.

[crunchy_mommy]

I'm sorry, I didn't read all the replies, but I would suggest telling MIL something like, "Oh I'd love some help, come on over & hold the baby and play with DS while I run a few loads of laundry and take a shower," something like that, where you can still be close by, still nurse on demand, etc. but you'll be opening the doors a bit to a better relationship. One of the best things for my relationship with MIL was when she came down a few times to watch DS while I worked (I WAH) -- she got to bond with DS, I got time to talk to her a bit one-on-one, without DH and other family there so we got to know each other a little better, and I got a bit of a break from constant baby-minding. If she refuses this, I would think she's not really interested in helping you or rebuilding family relationships, so in that case I would have no problem saying ABSOLUTELY NO to her watching your kids without you there.

I AP the way it sounds like you do -- perhaps a little over-the-top. My DS is 22mos now & he's never stayed with his grandparents and I only recently stopped nursing him 100% on demand (I guess you could say we're 50% on demand now or something!) and only in the last few months have I gotten better about meeting my own needs for food, showers, etc. But I wanted to parent that way & I'm happy with the decisions I made (although I do think it was tough & overwhelming at times!) I think my severe anxiety disorder did lead me to push myself a little too far at times but I am OK with that & I got through it. Only you know whether "this" is working for you, whether you need to relax a bit or get extra help or maybe you're just too worried about what other people think.

[Adaline'sMama]

I wouldnt leave my 3.5 yo with anyone except for DH, and even with him, no more than an hour at a time. Here is what I usually consider before leaving my child:

-Will she get enough attention?

-Will she get what I leave her to eat and ONLY what Ive left (no rice cereral, no formula, no meat, no cheetos)

-Do these people know infant CPR?

-Do they have the number for poison control memorized or written in plain sight?

-Will the caretaker call me if my child is crying uncontrollably for longer than 30 minutes?

-Does the caretaker know how to operate the carseat (My MIL seriously REFUSED to figure out how to put DD in her carseat, making me fret about emergencies)

-Is there any chance that the caretaker would undermine my parenting desicions? (in my case, give DD meat, let her scream, scream at her, ect)

If I cant answer YES to ALL of the above, my child doesnt stay. Period. My kid, my comfort, my rules.

And, yes, I am the b*tch who wont leave my kid with anyone. Personally, I dont think my critera is really all that high. Be a good person, dont let the kid suffer, be responsible, and dont let her eat food that I didnt leave.

[Adaline'sMama]

As for the post above, meant to type 3.5 month old, not year old. I cant edit the post for some reason :).

[MsFortune]

Anything can go to far.  

I'm concerned that you say that you are depressed.  I think that point kind of got lost in your post.

The question is, do YOU think that AP is contributing or adding to your depression?  

My view on parenting philosophies is that you should do what works, and change what does not work.  So if this is working for you, nicely tell your MIL thanks, but no thanks.  If it is not working for you, then start to think about what you can change.  

For what it's worth, I think people can mistake well intentioned offers to help as people being unsupportive or undermining.  If you think your MIL's intentions are good, then consider what she says or how she can help you.  

For example, I love sleep.  Anything that can help you get more sleep is a good thing.  My MIL would come over when I had newborn.  She'd bring me the baby to nurse, then take the baby away so I could get a good nap.  Or she did some house chores (dishes, etc) so that when I was not napping, I could relax more.

Bottom line, she seems like she is trying to help.  I'd find a way to allow her to help.