AP overboard b/c I SAH? - Page 2

[pregnant@40]

I think that people can go overboard w/ AP, as described in the second post in this thread. However, I believe that you are a very good mother & are handling things well. Your depression (and maybe sleep deprivation?) need to be addressed, but don't second guess your parenting style. I think it would serve you to have a lengthy discussion w/ your husband about parenting and the MIL, for he will be a stronger advocate for you once the two of you come to some mutual understanding about how your kids will be raised. Additionally, you need a positive relationship w/ your MIL for everyone's benefit, though that doesn't necessitate her babysitting.

Edited by pregnant@40 - 1/2/11 at 11:27pm

[lightinmyhands]

the generation that are grandparents now really got sold hard on the "convenience" baby stuff.  Formula will make life easier, strollers and playpens will do the work so you don't have to..... imo what all this really means, is some corporation is getting rich selling us crap to make our babies more convenient, all the while we've been creating generations of sociopaths with little to no ability to connect with other humans.  an infant needs to be with his/her mother.  A really great quote I read to that effect in "The Continuum Concept" was something to the effect of 'an infant has no sense of time, and it is a sense of time that is required to have hope.  So, if an infant is without his mom, he has not even the ability to hope for her return.'  When mom isn't with baby, baby has no real way of even really knowing mom still exists, let alone the ability to hope she will come back.  I didn't leave my dd alone with my dh until she was nearly a year old.  Trust your instincts to keep your babies close, they are both still very, very small.  I do absolutely agree that she is obviously wanting to help and there has to be some way that she can be of assistance and you still feel comfortable with the situation.  I second the notion of having her come over and help out while you get some laundry done and take a shower.  

Love and Light,

Fury

[milkybean]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I'm sorry, I didn't read all the replies, but I would suggest telling MIL something like, "Oh I'd love some help, come on over & hold the baby and play with DS while I run a few loads of laundry and take a shower," something like that, where you can still be close by, still nurse on demand, etc. but you'll be opening the doors a bit to a better relationship. One of the best things for my relationship with MIL was when she came down a few times to watch DS while I worked (I WAH) -- she got to bond with DS, I got time to talk to her a bit one-on-one, without DH and other family there so we got to know each other a little better, and I got a bit of a break from constant baby-minding. If she refuses this, I would think she's not really interested in helping you or rebuilding family relationships, so in that case I would have no problem saying ABSOLUTELY NO to her watching your kids without you there.

I agree with this.  For whatever reason, I never asked my MIL for any of this, and the only thing she ever offered was taking him, so I didn't get any help.  Nothing.  I might be the only person who has friends who didn't have a single meal made for her and left in the freezer after having a baby...  But no one knew how to offer help that I would take, so no one offered anything.  And I should have asked for what I needed...please watch him so I can shower, please make me dinner, please do this or that thing that I need...  Come up with some things you actually need, and ask for them.

And if she can't do them, then SHE is the only blocking reconciliation.

Why are you guys trying to reconcile, by the way?  Doesn't sound like she "deserves" it to me.

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

I wouldnt leave my 3.5 yo with anyone except for DH, and even with him, no more than an hour at a time. Here is what I usually consider before leaving my child:

-Will she get enough attention?

-Will she get what I leave her to eat and ONLY what Ive left (no rice cereral, no formula, no meat, no cheetos)

-Do these people know infant CPR?

-Do they have the number for poison control memorized or written in plain sight?

-Will the caretaker call me if my child is crying uncontrollably for longer than 30 minutes?

-Does the caretaker know how to operate the carseat (My MIL seriously REFUSED to figure out how to put DD in her carseat, making me fret about emergencies)

-Is there any chance that the caretaker would undermine my parenting desicions? (in my case, give DD meat, let her scream, scream at her, ect)

If I cant answer YES to ALL of the above, my child doesnt stay. Period. My kid, my comfort, my rules.

And, yes, I am the b*tch who wont leave my kid with anyone. Personally, I dont think my critera is really all that high. Be a good person, dont let the kid suffer, be responsible, and dont let her eat food that I didnt leave.

I like it!

We asked our landlady's daughter to hang out with our son in our new place as we were moving things over.  Our old apartment building is across the street from the new.  Other than that, the first time DS got to spend alone-time with his grandmother was AFTER he was old enough to tell us if she fed him anything weird and if she hit him.  She watched him, she had a friend come over, and the friend weirded out my son in ways he wasn't able to explain.  So there went grandma watching him!  Now he's 6 and we're going to ask her to watch him again as the work party has come up again (the only time DH and I actually want to go anywhere alone...last year he took a friend of his to the party and I stayed home because DS didn't want to go to grandma's).  This time, no weird friends!  (not really weird like scary or she did anything, that's just the word he used, but grandma's friends are Korean like she is, and they speak Korean, which DS doesn't because grandma won't teach it to him, so he doesn't know what's going on around him without DH there to TRY to translate for him)

Anyway, I'm just trying to protect my kid from someone who does things so differently that I feel they are dangerous.  And MIL didn't raise happy and healthy children...she raised kids who tried to get AWAY from her. 

Sounds like you're up against the same thing.  But since she is offering this help because she thinks you need it...rejecting something you don't need isn't rejecting HER, and if she and your husband are taking it that way, they are the ones in the wrong, not you.  Stay strong!  You're OK!