How to raise healthy eaters and avoid body issues and eating disorders - Page 2

[meemee]

having a good and trusted friend to use as a sounding board is a good idea.

i am a single mama. at 2 i was blaming a lot on perhaps its coz our situation of family breaking apart... was creating dd's problems. 

till one of my friends pointed out her behaviour was totally age appropriate. 

there is nothing in your post that to me reeks of anything unusual.

its such typical behaviour. my dd went thru all the steps you write about. even a candy fiend. 

children mimic what they see. yeah no matter how much you try to hide anything you dont want your children to see, eventually they will notice whatever it is you are doing. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by cyclamen 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 
See, I think its environmental, but not genetic.  Of course it would be difficult to have a good relationship with food if your family had extremely disordered eating habits.  And siblings with different personalities experience the same environment differently to some extent.  My family never made anything out of food at all.  We weren't required to eat, we weren't expected to do anything concerning food - it was available and we could eat if we wanted to.  My mom wasn't a short order cook, if we didn't want what was served we could make ourselves something else.

I just think that making an issue out of food is a mistake, I think as parents our focus should be on providing healthy food, but then leaving it at that. 

Your family sounds like their use of food was pretty practical.

I'm not sure that anyone here is saying that food itself is the issue.  But it's true that many American families have a disordered relationship with food, so I think it's good to check in and see what "not making an issue out of food" looks like.  At least, that is what I got out of the OP.  If you don't know what "not making an issue out of food" is like because your own parents did make an issue out of it, it helps to hear from others.  I had to really stop and think about what my mom did in terms of food because in she made it invisible and functional, but also part of our family ritual of togetherness and sociability.  Working, cooking, eating, cleaning, all part of the everyday rhythm of life.

I think its great for parents to reach out and see if what they're doing makes sense!  I just also think that not enough parents take the time to make sure their children have healthy self esteem and self confidence - which are so important.  Even if a family does have a good approach with food, a child (or teen) who thinks she's fat can become anorexic, a child/teen can become an emotional eater if he/she isn't taught how to deal with his/her emotions in a more healthy way.  Teaching our children that everyone is an individual, has different body shapes, different skin types, teaching them to be active (I think way too man children are raised to be sedentary in their lifestyle), etc is a really important way to encourage individuality and a healthy self esteem.
  And while arrogant people are really irritating, I would much rather an arrogant child who needed to be taken down a notch, than a child with no confidence or self esteem, b/c the issues of self harming behaviors show up far more often in those with little to no self esteem (IMO).

[delfin]

i think, as others have said, that ED are not about food, but about power. There is an author who traces an analogy between ED and our relatuinship with our mothers. Nourishing or not, voraciuous or not, scarce or not. It is a very interesting view, and I agree with it. I have talked with many friends who had an ED and all of them have a "particular " relationship with their mothers. Some, have very intrusive moms, and the only place they could say NO was by refusing to eat. Others, lacked affection, not because their moms didn't love them, but because they were incapable of showing the love, so they searched for thta warm cozy feeling by eating lots. For some it was a combo of both.

Me, I remember trying to piss off my mother, wanting for her to show worry for me, and I tried to stop eating. But I like food too much, and it didn't work.

So, I don't think the disorder is hereditary. There can be a tendency to overeat or undereat as a comforting mechanism. Maybe what can be reproduced are the dynamics in the families and the way of dealinng with issues. But if you, OP are aware of your own story and are questioning wether you can do something to prevent this, I think you are on good track. You are trying to break old patterns, and that, is very healthy.

[KLM99]

Originally Posted by delfin 

i think, as others have said, that ED are not about food, but about power. There is an author who traces an analogy between ED and our relatuinship with our mothers. Nourishing or not, voraciuous or not, scarce or not. It is a very interesting view, and I agree with it. I have talked with many friends who had an ED and all of them have a "particular " relationship with their mothers. Some, have very intrusive moms, and the only place they could say NO was by refusing to eat. Others, lacked affection, not because their moms didn't love them, but because they were incapable of showing the love, so they searched for thta warm cozy feeling by eating lots. For some it was a combo of both.

Me, I remember trying to piss off my mother, wanting for her to show worry for me, and I tried to stop eating. But I like food too much, and it didn't work.

OP here.  I haven't read that author but I don't think my anorexia had anything to do with being affection starved by my mother or conversely, with an overbearing mother issue.  It was about power more than it was about food - it was "this is something I can control."  But I think it had more to do with feeling a lack of control in other areas of my life, like socially.  It started as a way to get attention from peers I think.  I was the skinny one.  And then you get such positive feedback from that as a 15yo.  But then you stop getting the positive feedback when you get too far into it, but then it's too late and you can't stop because you can't cede control.  I actually had (and have) a wonderful mother.  She definitely has body issues (frequently complained that she was gaining weight and definitely does NOT eat healthfully), but she was a wonderful mother.  She does spend a lot of time with my kids, and I am concerned about her unhealthy eating habits and diet talk impressing upon them as they likely did on me, but she is so wonderful with them in every other way that it's hard to know what to do.

Anyway, my two cents on the relationship with mother theory.  That wasn't the case for me.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by KLM99 

Originally Posted by delfin 

i think, as others have said, that ED are not about food, but about power. There is an author who traces an analogy between ED and our relatuinship with our mothers. Nourishing or not, voraciuous or not, scarce or not. It is a very interesting view, and I agree with it. I have talked with many friends who had an ED and all of them have a "particular " relationship with their mothers. Some, have very intrusive moms, and the only place they could say NO was by refusing to eat. Others, lacked affection, not because their moms didn't love them, but because they were incapable of showing the love, so they searched for thta warm cozy feeling by eating lots. For some it was a combo of both.

Me, I remember trying to piss off my mother, wanting for her to show worry for me, and I tried to stop eating. But I like food too much, and it didn't work.

OP here.  I haven't read that author but I don't think my anorexia had anything to do with being affection starved by my mother or conversely, with an overbearing mother issue.  It was about power more than it was about food - it was "this is something I can control."  But I think it had more to do with feeling a lack of control in other areas of my life, like socially.  It started as a way to get attention from peers I think.  I was the skinny one.  And then you get such positive feedback from that as a 15yo.  But then you stop getting the positive feedback when you get too far into it, but then it's too late and you can't stop because you can't cede control.  I actually had (and have) a wonderful mother.  She definitely has body issues (frequently complained that she was gaining weight and definitely does NOT eat healthfully), but she was a wonderful mother.  She does spend a lot of time with my kids, and I am concerned about her unhealthy eating habits and diet talk impressing upon them as they likely did on me, but she is so wonderful with them in every other way that it's hard to know what to do.

Anyway, my two cents on the relationship with mother theory.  That wasn't the case for me.

OP, remember that what you do and say to your children is going to have more impact than what your mother (your childrens grandmother) does or says around them.  You can also talk to them about what she says, if and when they ask you about it. 

Knowing that your ED came from a lack of control in social situations, and being aware that ED's are a way of expressing control, I think you would be better off giving your children control in areas of their lives that they are old enough to have that control.  So, when they are super young (sorry, don't remember how old they are!) maybe its which color sippy cup they have, what color shirt they wear, and as they get older they get more and more control over things.  Like, what after school activities they participate in (within reason of course, and within the boundaries that you have - like, no more than 2 afternoons a week or something else that works for your family), having them choose who to invite for b-day parties, whether they accept invites to other people's parties.  These are just some examples, but teaching them how to be independant gradually will strengthen their self confidence, and allowing them to solve their own problems as they arise will show them that you have confidence in their ability to make good choices.  I really think this is why my brothers and I all grew up with healthy self esteem - my parents had confidence in us, and they showed it.
 

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by delfin 

i think, as others have said, that ED are not about food, but about power. There is an author who traces an analogy between ED and our relatuinship with our mothers. Nourishing or not, voraciuous or not, scarce or not. It is a very interesting view, and I agree with it. I have talked with many friends who had an ED and all of them have a "particular " relationship with their mothers. Some, have very intrusive moms, and the only place they could say NO was by refusing to eat. Others, lacked affection, not because their moms didn't love them, but because they were incapable of showing the love, so they searched for thta warm cozy feeling by eating lots. For some it was a combo of both.

Me, I remember trying to piss off my mother, wanting for her to show worry for me, and I tried to stop eating. But I like food too much, and it didn't work.

See mine didn't have much to do with my mother, at least not directly. She was overprotective & I naturally wanted to distance myself from that when I hit my teens, and it may have contributed to my overall outlook/sense of self, but definitely didn't 'cause' my ED and I think it's a disservice to the many loving mothers with ED'ed children to basically blame them for their kids' issues. I didn't want my mom to know about my ED. I did everything in my power to hide it from her (though I cared less about hiding it from anyone else) and it was very painful for me when she found out about it. I think part of my issue was that I just didn't know how to define myself socially. I was tired of being the 'smart' one, I felt like it made me a geek & unpopular. I think being the 'thin' one felt better to me, because it was more socially acceptable. I had lots of other positive attributes/skills/hobbies but I never learned to appreciate them because so much focus was put on me being intelligent -- from teachers, friends, family, everyone. It was my whole identity, and I hated it. I also had severe anxiety/hypochondria from schoolage right through my teens (OK, still have it now, but I can control it much better!) and that caused me to do lots of things to kind of numb myself I guess -- cutting, starving, etc. and it was kind of like, if I didn't care if I lived or died, then the fear of being deathly ill no longer had any hold on me. 

Obviously there's way more to my own story than that, I guess I'm just trying to say that it wasn't a relationship with mom thing, at least not directly and perhaps not at all.
 

[delfin]

It is certainly a sensitive topic because the reaction tends to be that views like this "blame" the mother. It is not about blaming nobody. Our mothers had their own issues and most of them, did the best they could. But maybe it's worth to revisit our history, and see if our children are bringing something that was deeply buried, back to the surface, with the purpose of healing. Almost all parents love their children and want the best for them, but sometimes, because of multiple causes, this is a bit more complex. 

I haven't done a serious research on the topic, but I talk to many friends and we see that our experiences were somewhat similar. Maybe the symptoms are different, since everybody does what we can with our issues. Some overeat, some don't, some become very strict. But the idea that we relate to food (source of nourishment and an opportunity to share) in a similiar way that we relate to our mothers (1st source of nourishment and the person we start sharing the word with) makes sense to me. Of course this is not literal, and is important not to fall in a simplistic view (my mom was cold so i overeat to feel warm). There are layers and each case  must be approached considering its singularity. But we don't come from a cabbage and looking into such a primary bond might shed some light. If the answer is not there, we can start looking somewhere else.

With any self-damaging behaviour, that is a symptom of a deeper issue, there is ussually a starting point. And when we start questioning  we realize that sometimes the "official story" is not the full story. It doesn't mean our mothers are bad people, it just shows that they are human, and carry their own baggage and brought their own baggage into the relationship. We have an opportunity to get off of a dynamic that is no longer functional.

I hope I make sense, and that is clear that i don't blame mothers of ED children. And looking into ourselves deeply, is always healing.

[crunchy_mommy]

Yes much more sense, I did think in your pp's that you were blaming the moms, now I see your point of view (though I will have to give it some thought, I'm not sure what I think about it!)