Is Saying "we do not do that" the same as no?

[Phoenix~Mama]

I'm trying to navigate the crazy waters of the toddler years.  lol  I want to be respectful of my DD, and I try really hard not to be all "no" all the time.  I mostly redirect and say, "We do not do xyz, let's go do this."  Or "we do not do xyz here, you can do xyz here."

But often the re-direction does not work, and the second I try to say, move her away from the computer are back to her play area, she throws a huge fit, or if I tell her again that the computer area is not for playing, but her play area is, she laughs at me.  lol

That is usually what happens when I ask her to please stop something, or tell her we do not do xyz, she will keep on doing it and laugh at me.

Is there anything else I can do to help teach her about things not to do, such as throwing her food and drink on the floor? That is done without saying no?  The whole "we do not throw food on the floor." doesn't work.  And I do have her help me clean it up, she loves that part.  lol 

[mamazee]

The biggest problem I have with "we do not" is that it's usually literally untrue, and kids are very literal.  I can imagine my dd thinking, "What do you mean we don't throw food on the floor.  I just did, so obviously we do!"  LOL.  I get the idea - you're saying that the rule is that you don't, but that's not literally what "we do not" means.  So maybe "food is for your fork, your mouth, and your tummy, but not the floor" or something more literally true?  Also, I think any statement based on a positive (crayons are for paper) has more impact than a statement based on a negative (we don't draw on the walls).

[ASusan]

Yup, if you even have to say anything at all, state it in the positive.

For the computer area example, I would just excitedly re-direct. "Hey, DD, come play over here with your blocks! Can you help me build a tower?"

"Food stays on your plate."

[nd_deadhead]

I agree with the pthers - do your best to eliminate the words Not and Don't from your vocabulary. It's much easier to teach children what TO do than what NOT to do. I have a wonderful example of this with my twins, and the phrase "Don't eat the worm".

The trouble with a "don't" statement is that the last thing your child hears is what they don't want her to do - throw food on the floor, draw on the walls, jump on the bed. Imagine I told you "Don't think about a chimp wearing a tutu riding a tricycle" - quick, what are you thinking about? if it's hard for you to get an image out of your head, how much more difficult it must be for a toddler!

So tell her what TO do - food on the plate, sit on your bottom, that's just to look at - in combination with redirection. I won't try to tell you that you won't still have to redirect a thousand times - you will! But positive statements really do work a lot better than Don't. The redirection is still necessary because a 2-yr-old has very little impulse control.

There are two added advantages to not saying No or Don't. First, you don't have a child who tells you No all the time! Second, if you say "Sit on your bottom" instead of "Don't stand on the chair", and she does it, you can repeat "Thank you for sitting on your bottom. If you stand on the chair, you could fall off and get an owie". You've not only reinfoced what TO do, but explained why she should do it - without using a negative statement that she might not comprehend.

It takes some practice to get in the habit of using positive statements instead of negative, and it helps to think about them in advance, or have a few blanket ones, like "Clap your hands" or "Hands on your head" if she's about to put her finger in an outlet!

[mom2grrls]

Block off areas you don't want her to be in.  If she's throwing food or dropping her cup, IMO she's done eating so just take the food away.  These are things that are just phases and will be grown out of so saying we don't do that isn't really making a difference.  Work on prevention for the most part:)

[MsFortune]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama 

But often the re-direction does not work, and the second I try to say, move her away from the computer are back to her play area, she throws a huge fit, or if I tell her again that the computer area is not for playing, but her play area is, she laughs at me.  lol

I think no matter what you say, sometimes you will get that reaction.  She's deliberately testing you.  If you said no, she would test.  If you said no indirectly (like "momma does not want you to do that") she will test.  If you redirect, and she does not want to be redirected, she will test.

Ah, toddlers.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by MsFortune 

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama 

But often the re-direction does not work, and the second I try to say, move her away from the computer are back to her play area, she throws a huge fit, or if I tell her again that the computer area is not for playing, but her play area is, she laughs at me.  lol

I think no matter what you say, sometimes you will get that reaction.  She's deliberately testing you.  If you said no, she would test.  If you said no indirectly (like "momma does not want you to do that") she will test.  If you redirect, and she does not want to be redirected, she will test.

Ah, toddlers.

I agree with this.  Testing the boundaries is part of that age, and many other ages.  I did find that once dd was two saying "we don't do___, let's work on stopping together" worked very well, I never got into the literal interpretation ideas because it wasn't something that my dd was affected by.  I found that my dd threw food when I didn't stay with her and pay attention to her while she ate and if she was full.  I used to tell her all the time that if she threw food she was all done but I didn't follow through, when I finally did I realized she was throwing food because she was all done and I had told her that is what she needed to do to be all done.  If she doesn't seem done you could try just putting your hand over hers (not harshly but to distract her), giving her only a few pieces at a time, and making sure you are not off doing something else while she is eating.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama 

But often the re-direction does not work, and the second I try to say, move her away from the computer are back to her play area, she throws a huge fit, or if I tell her again that the computer area is not for playing, but her play area is, she laughs at me.  lol

That is usually what happens when I ask her to please stop something, or tell her we do not do xyz, she will keep on doing it and laugh at me.

Is there anything else I can do to help teach her about things not to do, such as throwing her food and drink on the floor? That is done without saying no?  The whole "we do not throw food on the floor." doesn't work.  And I do have her help me clean it up, she loves that part.  lol 

I think others have covered the "we don't do that". I tried really hard when my kids were that age to phrase things in the positive "sit on your bottom" "keep the food on the tray". Sure, 'no' crept in now and again, and I didn't worry about it. And I agree that when she's throwing food, she's done. Get her down on the first throw. Teach her "all done". If she throws, "OK, it's time to get down and help me clean." It will stand you in good stead. My 6 year old spilled taco shells the other day. She picked them up, got out the hand vac and vacuumed up the rest. I was impressed!

As for the fit when you remove her or laughing at you, that's very typical. Two thoughts about that: First, now that she's a toddler, her job is to learn to deal with frustration. She WANTS to play with the computer, but it's not something she can safely do. She's going to be frustrated. It's OK. Your job is not to make her stop having a fit, but to help her learn that she can survive the frustration. How you help her learn that depends on her temperament. For one of my kids, I had to leave him to himself until he was done. For the other, she needed a hug and a cuddle to calm down. I would say that once she is in the middle of the fit, STOP TALKING (other than to soothe). This is not a teachable moment. It's not a time to explain why it's a bad idea to bang on the computer, leap from the kitchen table or play with the steak knives.

For the laughing/not stopping when you try to redirect: While it feels like she understands everything you say (and she probably does), kids this age are still very physical learners. They also have a really really hard time stopping an action that they've already started. Even for adults it's hard. Ever reach for a cookie you know you shouldn't eat? How hard is it to draw your hand back without the cookie? So, if she's already started, she probably will need you to help her stop. As she gets older, she'll be able to stop in the middle of an action, but that skill isn't really firm until middle childhood. For kids under 4-5, I just don't expect it. I'm pleased when they do it, but I don't expect it. So, in our house it was usually: "Stop. Sit down on the chair. Do you need me to help your body or can you do it yourself? Oh, looks like you need some help. OK, here we go." I don't find it disrespectful to help my toddler comply if I do so gently because they are physical learners. Often they have to experience what you're saying to really understand it.

Hang in there! It gets better, and your job is harder as a single mom because you don't have someone else to run interference with two such young kids.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Thank you so much everyone!!!  Some really great ideas and examples here!!!

I find that I have such a mental block of thinking of a positive statement instead of a don't.  It seems so logical when I read it here, but I have definitely found myself floundering in the moment, and tend to fall back onto Stop.  And I like explaining why something is a rule, because I hope that shows the rules aren't willy nilly and there are just reasons for them.  I try to run a pretty free range house (best I can while living with my parents who aren't, but that's a whole different topic).

I'm going to print some of these out and hang it on the fridge.  I really don't want to be a "no" Mom in anyway.  I really want to foster a positive environement where DD can learn the why of not doing something.

How about this one?  She took off on me in the parking lot at the doctor's yesterday!!  Ack!!!  I'm sure I was a sight running after her with baby all tucked in a sling on my front.  lol  I did tell her and do tell her all the time that she stays with Mama in parking lots. 

I know it's a tough age for her.  I just don't want to screw her up.  lol  kwim?  And I know I have lost my patience at times recently (likely in part due to sleep deprivation, because I'm usually pretty understanding of the age thing with her), and I don't like it.  I don't want to turn into my Mom who was always yelling at us, still does for that matter...

Thank you so much for all the feedback, it really helps.  :)

[sapphire_chan]

For me, "no" means "not right now" and is saved for when I need a fast response (also great for when you've got a tired toddler who is only being irritated by lots of talking, sometimes "no" lets them relax. I'll say "we don't xyz" for stuff that is never okay.

E.g. "Let's look at the vase from over here. We don't touch other people's pretties unless they say we can."

[merryns.mom]

great ideas above. also i have tried to work on my dd from the heart-out. i get on her level when she disobeys, and say "we listen, and obey," also we have had a few little books on manners, and so we say, throwing food is bad manners, let's have good manners and eat on our plate, or if a child is acting out somewhere else, she says, he has bad manners, (i guess it's my take on my mom saying have you been a good girl-i hate that). 

i think also realizing what stage they are at developmentally, accepting that it is a stage, and not making a huge deal out of that behavior has helped alot.

good luck

[peainthepod]

Great ideas in this thread! I find myself saying "no" too often and hate it.

One thing that really works with my DS is, "Can you show me?"

"Can you show me how you take a big bite?" (For when he refuses to eat)

"Can you show me how you put your plate back on the table?" (When he's about to hurl it to the floor)

"Can you show me how you put your bottom back in the chair/on the couch?" (When he's standing on the furniture--a no-no in our house)

"Can you show me how you are gentle with your sister?" (When he's getting crazy around the baby)

Sometimes he says "Nooooooooo! No show, mama!" ( ), and I always respect that, but most of the time he's happier to show me that he can do something than eager to test boundaries. It works well for us so far; ask me again in a week.