A totally whiney baby post (me)

[RollerCoasterMama]

I don't know if the season, or hormones, or ghost of frustrations past, but everything XH does is just pissing me off the past few weeks. 

In the past week I've been pissed off about the following ridiculous things:

-he called to see if DS and I got home ok in a really bad blizzard

-he wants to bring DS's gifts over tonight before we travel in opposite directions

-the thought of our usual little b-day party for DS with just the 3 of us next week

-the fact that I'm feely mildly guilty that I'm working hard to make Christmas magic for DS while he's feeling a bit stressed/broke/inadequate. 

Plus a whole list of slightly more justified annoyances about forgetting DS's things and cutting visitation short.  This morning's gem was that I got mad when he told me he couldn't find what he wanted for DS for Christmas this late....because he started shopping a week ago and was looking for something specialized (and out of season since it's an outdoor toy and we've currently got 3+ feet of snow everywhere). 

ETA:  I do not actually act on the anger.  I've been resisting the urge.  He can probably tell that I'm a little annoyed sometimes, but not too much.

I'm sure part of it is hormonal.  Some of it seems to be flashbacks of a decade Christmas/birthday/Valentine's Day/Anniversary/Mother's Day being forgotten until the last minute and the half-a$$ results and worrying that DS is being set up for more of the same.  A few things seem to be boundary related...I'm feeling a need to firm them up, but having trouble with that because we're both working really hard to stay amicable co-parents.  (And because he's not really violating boundaries.  He rarely stays long.  He calls to talk to his son every couple of days at apporpriate times.  It's totally appropriate.)

I'm wondering though...is some of this just part of the process?  Almost exactly a year ago, I moved into my own place.  I've tried to deal with things as they come up.  We've never had a chance to actually talk about what went wrong, because he just doesn't talk.  I've got this overwhelming urge to snap at him ALL THE TIME and I'm really trying hard to keep the peace.  Partially because on a rational level, I realize that things like giving his son a Christmas present and making sure we're not stranded in a blizzard are NOT BAD THINGS.  And partially because I'm trying to keep the big picture in mind.  Am I my own special brand of crazy, or is this a common part of the process?

Edited by RollerCoasterMama - 12/22/10 at 12:04pm

[doubledutch]

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by doubledutch 

 :)  I'm gonna interpret that as "yes you're a little crazy but it will get better".  Thanks for the hug!  Really, I'll be SOOOO much more sane in a few weeks...my birthday always triggers it, and apparently this year it's started a little earlier than usual.  :P 

[doubledutch]

lol.

i dunno, i just didn't want to read and not respond, but i didn't have much to say.  i guess all the things you're feeling angry about are not what you are really angry at him about.  it's like, you know on this rational level that they aren't things to be angry about - but you just are angry so any interaction with him brings that up (or even the thought of him, or coping with things that have changed because of him, or memories of past hurts or him in any form basically!) and you feel it in reaction to what's happening because it's just always there.  i do think it's part of the process, and the thing is to not get stuck in this part forever (as in, stay angry forever) but to work through it - which you are doing, or you wouldn't be questioning it.  so you are doing great and therefore deserve a hug!

[RollerCoasterMama]

:)  I'm feeling a lot better just vocalizing the ridiculousness of the whole thing.  I definitely have underlying issues that shorten my tolerance level.  Things around the holidays/birthday remind me about it.  But he's off to the inlaws for a few days, and I'm off to my family soon too.  He did come by to give DS his presents, and I'm impressed...he didn't go nuts and just get him anything...he got DS something that he's been wanting for a year and visits at the store every time either of us takes him shopping.  DS is in heaven right now and may never settle down again.  :) 

I'll get over it.  I'm not inclined to be mad all the time.  But I work so hard on being FINE that sometimes it sneaks through. 

[RollerCoasterMama]

I got all of the whining out of my system yesterday.  Thanks for listening!  :) 

So this morning I got a phone call from ex-FIL wondering if I had XH's flight info.  FIL was used to me always forwarding itineraries whenever we flew down.  All they had was a time...no airline or flight number.  His flight was expected in less than an hour and they weren't sure what airport to even go to!  With FIL on the phone, I tried XH's old email account thinking he MIGHT have used it and not his work account to make the reservation and he NEVER changes passwords...he must have a lucky star today because his flight reservation was right there.  I suspect FIL will have a chat with him about sending itineraries to people who you're expecting to pick you up, and possibly a back-up contact person. 

For some reason, the whole transaction amuses me!  And tomorrow we go home and get to see my nieces and sibs and parents and just hang out!  I'm past my little funk for the time being.  :)  Oh, and tomorrow I find out if I can quit taking the extra progesterone that is probably contributing significantly to me being more than a little snippy lately!  (I don't think I mentioned that on top of everything else, I have amped up pregnancy hormones with extras!) 

[doubledutch]

oh good!  well, i hope you are able to enjoy your visit with family, christmas and your birthday!