3 year old feigning broken legs and other injuries

[mommatooth]

Hi there and thanks for giving this some thought :)  My 3yo DD has come down with some pretty nasty broken legs and they have persisted for a few months.  I see this as a pretty transparent cry for more attention and I have given her the words "mommy I just need a little more love right now"- to no avail.  I am a single, stay at home mom and unfortunately, all she ever really gets ins me- that being said it's hard for me to cope with her needing MORE of me.  I have tried everything (even some recommendations that I am not super proud of like giving no attention and hoping it will resolve).  The few things that make this a real bothersome behaviour are- 1.  the amount of time we spend on it each day- she won't walk down stairs, frequently drops to the floor when things aren't going her way, can't make it to the bathroom (when she has been out of diapers for almost two years).  2.  The fact that she has been playing this card for months now with no end or pattern change in sight.  3.  It is downright disturbing and effects the way she approaches the world- so opts out of challenging/learning situations because of her "ailments".

ok this is a long post but there is one other thing that is newer- also pretty transparent oppositional behaviour.  Before she goes to bed at night (in her newly acquired OWN bed) she tells me that she 1.  Will wake me up 50 times, 2.  Will pee in the bed on purpose and 3.  will still be cranky when she gets up.  I have no idea what to do with this, so I just listen.... and it all comes true before the morning.  The obvious conclusion is that she is regressing because of the huge transition to own bed - and she finally gave up the boob...but these were HER choices and I have never said no she couldn't sleep in my bed and well after a month or so I did tell her that mommy milk was all gone- and she seemed more fine with it than I am :)  She will tell me these things through out the day as well, but it is most predictable at night.  None of her little routines are positive though.  For example she would not say "tomorrow is going to be a good day and we will play together and laugh."  She would (and has) say "tomorrow is a sad day and I will wake up cranky and not want to go anywhere and be upset ALL day." 

I find myself having no idea what to do with lots of things either because I am too sad or angry, or I don't trust myself not to scream at her. YIKES.  

ok discuss...

[ssh]

Wow, that has to be both sad and frustrating. Have you tried asking your DD if she wants to sleep with you again? Does she have cool comforting things in her bed and room? My DD has a fairy night light that changes color and an alarm clock that puts blue light and stars on the ceiling, along with a pillow pet and horse pillow. Most kids I've heard of that have chosen to sleep in their room or chosen to wean don't have problems with it. Sometimes they need to sleep with mom again or latch back on for a second even when there's no milk left, but it doesn't cause  problems. My DD was almost 4 when she weaned herself and just turned 4 when she decided to sleep in her own bed. She happily goes to bed. Pretending to be a baby is normal, but pretending your legs are broken and then refusing to walk doesn't seem normal. You said you were a stay at home mom, does your DD have any social opportunities? By 3 little extroverts often need to be around other people everyday. The negativity sounds excessive. Have you asked her what could make her day better? Do you have access to counseling? They usually do play therapy at that age. Have you looked into a play based preschool?

[mommatooth]

The strange thing is, she happily goes to bed too- she tells random strangers that she has her own bed as well- she seems proud of it.  This is remarkable because my daughter isn't outgoing in the least, and she does not act proud- even when she might! When questioned about her accomplishments she will often deny them- another negative.  I have no idea where this all comes from.  I am sort of from the don't offer don't refuse school when it comes to big steps like her own bed.  She has never asked to come back to my bed, but if she did, I would consider the circumstances- but I am not going to bring it up.  All this points to something else as the problem.

 The only other thing I can think of is we recently acquired internet access and she has "skyped" (video chat) with her dad a few times.  He lives far away and was never really a part of her life. recently he has decided that he misses his little girl.  But during the conversations (3 in the last three months) she seems fine, almost talkative- the video chat is pretty neat, and she doesn't seem to want to process it later.  

It seems to me that she has incredible anxiety, she will get herself so worked up that she vomits- this happens several times a week and is so sad.  I don't do time outs or anything radical (like you might think to get such a trauma response).  She just can't handle any kind of limit no matter how it is set...and some things are unsafe :) If I leave the room, she needs to be right next to me ALL of the time.  She won't go up or down the stairs without holding my hand (I think she developed the broken legs to justify the hand holding).  She won't go into the bathroom by herself, she won't dress herself or feed herself.  she is 38 months old and shows no interest in acting independent of me.  I feel like she is missing a huge developmental stage here by binding herself to me.  We tried to take a gymnastics class- but she wouldn't join the group, she just sat in my lap the whole time.  And so the reverse is also true, I can only shower if she is asleep, I can never use the bathroom by myself, if I wash dishes- she sits on the counter.  All of her art supplies and games go unused unless I play them with her.  She just has no interest in exploring without holding my hand.

YES!  she does need socialization. Frankly I need socialization.  We are totally burned out on each other.  

[ssh]

3 year olds can go through a clingy period. We moved and then went on vacation right about the time my DD turned 3 and she was suddenly a lot clingier, including nursing more often. She didn't want to play more than a few feet away from people either. I didn't make a big deal of the neediness, just took care of the needs. It seems to me that clingy stages go away faster if you just take care of the needs. I've never done "the don't offer don't refuse" type of approach with anything. If I think a family member might need or want something, I ask. But my DD has been asking DH and I if we need anything, usually more water or fruit, since about 3.5. It's cute but it's also nice. It's really normal for some kids to need their mom when they are 3. One little boy in my DD's 3/4s preschool class wanted his mom to stay most of the time until a few weeks before the end of the school year. The mom just stayed, and then she heard "I don't need you mom, I have my friends".  Lots of 3 year olds are still really dependent and need to be right with a grown up all the time. Your DDs needs don't sound unusual. The idea behind AP parenting is you take care of your child's needs, they feel more secure so they are more confident and happier being independent when they are ready. My DD didn't wasn't ready for group activities until almost 4. Her birthday is about 3 weeks after the cutoff so she was was of the oldest in her first preschool class. She also had a big spurt of independence right around turning 4. It started a couple of months before her 4th birthday until a couple of weeks after. But she was a different kid, the change was so much, including playing or painting alone, sometimes for hours. The privacy in the bathroom came around age 4 too, but DD wanted privacy also.

Maybe your DD tried to many things too early and is stressed now. It could be she really wasn't ready to sleep alone or really wasn't ready to give up nursing. Maybe her dad calling is stressful in some way.

[changingseasons]

Leg pains, pee accidents, frequent night waking, and vomiting? Why are you assuming that she's just making this all up?! There could be something real and physical going on, and she might just not have the words to explain it to you. I'm pretty sure it's not possible for kids to wake themselves up on purpose 50 times a night. All of those things are food allergy symptoms in my house (including the oppositional behavior!), but I'm sure there could be other explanations as well.

[luv my 2 sweeties]

I agree with changingseasons that it might be smart to investigate possible physiological reason for her problems, be it food allergies or something else.  Whatever the cause, what you describe here sounds like it goes beyond normal clinginess or reaction to a new sleeping situation.  Any one or few of the things you describe might not be unusual, but it sounds like she has quite a few issues that, taken together, seem serious enough to warrant further investigation.  It might be nothing -- a phase that will pass with time -- but if it's more than that, the sooner addressed, the better.  If you have a pediatrician or family doctor that you can talk to, that would probably be a good place to start.  I know some services can be limited in much of the U.P., so I hope you can find someone who will listen compassionately and help you get to a solution!  :Hug