What to do about sister (and me)?

[CallMeMommy]

Okay, bear with me, I'm trying to get my thoughts out on and make some sense.  My sister is pregnant with her 3rd.  She had an early loss with her first, second-tri loss with her second, and is considered high-risk with this one.  She has an OB and will be giving birth in the hospital.  I, on the other hand, am a midwife/homebirth kind of girl.  I really want to get her reading about normalizing birth and how a lot of hospital procedures are unnecessary and even harmful, but at the same time I worry that it will just cause problems.  She's not one to stand up for herself, and I wonder if I get these ideas into her head and she got set on them, she'd just be shot down in the delivery room and be upset about it afterwards.  Her OB is a good guy, he's actually the one that will order labs and ultrasounds for the local midwife's patients, but he's also quick to jump to inductions and c-sections.  I know I'm assuming a lot, there's a very good chance she won't give a rip and will be happy with whatever happens, or that Dr. T will honor every request and she'll have an absolutely wonderful experience, but my other sister is just now, 10 years later, starting to question her c-sections and wonder if they were really necessary.  I want her to be empowered, but I want to make sure I'm not pushing my ideas on her.  Make sense?  I don't know what to do...

[cappuccinosmom]

Honestly, I'd leave her be.

She knows that you're going in a different direction, and is capable of asking about it if she's interested.  It may be that for her, those procedures *are* necessary, or are what she's willing to accept in order to give herself what she percieves the best chance at delivering a live, healthy baby.  If she wants something different, she has someone in her life available to talk to about it, and if she is interested, she'll bring it up with you. 

[MeepyCat]

I agree with Cappuccinosmom. 

I had a high risk pregnancy with my last, and got very annoyed with people who wanted to talk to me about normalizing and de-medicalizing birth very fast.  And in my previous pregnancies, I *was* one of those people!  But when you threw in my risk-factors, I just felt teased by the whole idea of normal birth - I didn't want anyone to talk to me about something that I knew I wasn't going to have.

Your sister's best bet for a good birth experience is to build a good relationship with her doctor, and to know as much as possible about her condition, the appropriate treatments and procedures for it, and the hospital policies. 

FWIW, I had an emergency c-section and still found it empowering.  Being on bed rest and bleeding a lot both sucked, but in the aftermath of that, the hospital treated me really well.  They had information about me and my preferences on file, and they were great about listening to my concerns, discussing my options, and taking good care of me and my baby. 

[dakotablue]

I gotta say I believe that there is a place for OB's and medical model of birth and it sounds like your sister is one of those cases. They are there for when things are high risk and can go wrong.

If you really want to empower her I'd talk to her more about breastfeeding and support afterward (like trying to have skin to skin as soon as she can), but not about questioning her choices during this pregnancy and birth.

[zinemama]

I agree with everyone else. She knows you do things differently, and if she were interested in learning more, she's got you right there as the perfect person to ask. Sounds like she hasn't. That should be your cue. It's not your job to "get her reading" about anything unless she asks for suggestions.

[trekkingirl]

people want to hear what they want to hear. Or maybe people hear what they are able to hear for whatever stage of life they are at in the moment. I'm 29 so I don't have it all figured out, but I'm starting to a little.

Let me try another angle. An aquantence was getting married and I really felt that I should tell her how hard marriage is and how even in your sleep you are someones wife. You never get a break from that. And so on and so forth. Instead of her feeling like I had really put myself out there to make sure SOMEONE told her how it really is, she got pissed and now despises me! Mind you I have a rock solid marriage with the love of my life- which I told her despite that.

since this is your sister you are talking about, you probably feel like it's your responsibility to shed some light on how birth can really be if you feel it whole heartedly. That's ok just expect nonreceptiveness and rejection. I have been getting all kinds of slack from my family for wanting to CD and try wearing my baby. They think I am making my life harder even though it's my life!

Some day the lady I talked to about marriage will think back and say that chic was for real!

Maybe when your sister is over you could rent the business of being born and watch it together.

[laohaire]

Another vote for "leave her be." No doubt she has an inkling about the alternatives - it's enough she knows an alternative exists. If it interests her at all, she'll ask questions and look into it.

If she is not very self-empowered and self-directed, it would be possible to kind of push her into a different birth, but it won't come from herself, and she will not be able to make it happen, she will not have the same feelings about it and will blame you for any issues.

That's of course even besides the major point that some births are high-risk and should have extra monitoring and interventions.

I have a happy anecdote (and I know it's just that, an anecdote). My young (20 years old) cousin got pregnant. We have more than one matriarch AND patriarch on that side of the family, some very strong personalities. Everybody had a damn opinion. I kept my mouth shut. I heard it was twins - inside I said "yup, they'll be scheduling her c-section now." Actually, she DID end up with a c-section, but it was a very good story, not at all what I figured. Apparently some of those matriarch genes are in her, because she ignored everybody and did what felt right to her. She got a hospital midwife. Up until the very end, she did not schedule a c-section, until she and her midwife decided that due to positioning, it was the right thing to do. Then she scheduled it for 39.5 weeks. With twins!!! And she made it!!! She birthed over 15 pounds of baby (each twin was over 7 pounds, more than my singleton was) and she did it the way she chose. Well, everybody (including me) has a damn opinion, but it all comes down to the mama, and the best thing we can do is support each other in our choices.

[Super~Single~Mama]

She's had a 1st tri loss, a 2nd tri loss, and you want to tell her how to do this pregnancy?  She's probably terrified out of her mind that she's going to lose this one too.  Leave her be.

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by trekkingirl 

Maybe when your sister is over you could rent the business of being born and watch it together.

Absolutely NOT this.  That movie is terrifying for me as a planned homebirther, nevermind for someone who has suffered multiple losses.  That movie is meant for healthy mothers, with healthy pregnancies.  Your sister doesn't, sadly, fall under the healthy, uncomplicated umbrella...

I'm guessing that your sister is already probably exceptionally fearful, and she has every right to be.  But plaguing her with more fear about things that she very well may have no control over is probably not going to be helpful.  It sounds like she has major risk factors, the kind of things that would very well necessitate intervention.  Pregnant mamas don't need anything more to worry about!  I think that the advice of the other mamas above me is very sound: be gentle with your sister, be supportive, and let her be.

I've found that what most pregnant mamas want is to be listened to.  If she comes to you with fears about interventions, then yes, by all means, gently lead her toward good information.  But probably the best thing you can do for your sister is help her with her fears.  Everyone has an opinion in pregnancy.  When I was pregnant, the people who I felt most supported by were the few people who (whether they had an opinion or not) didn't make it known.

[angelpie545]

 I'm 100% with "leave her alone".  She has already had *two* losses, poor thing, and like someone else said, is probably terrified to lose this one too.  Right now the best thing you can do is just support her.  I can't begin to know the pain of losing a child, and I think your sister is entitled to do whatever she feels comfortable with to ensure she has a healthy baby, even if it's a scheduled c-section.  I am very pro-natural birth myself, but when there are red flag risk factors involved, I have no problem with medical interventions being employed.  Two previous losses is a red flag risk factor.  This is personal to me, because although I had two smooth out of hospital waterbirths with my girls, I choose to have my son in the hospital with an epidural because of medical issues that I since developed. 

[LessTraveledBy]

Absolutely do not say anything, as you would simply make her feel like you don't understand at all what she is going through. 3rd pregnancy with no babies at home, yet. Whereas, you have 3 children.... If you say something, I think it is not unlikely she will yell at you or stop talking to you. (Or at least want to do both, whether she would or not.) Goes strongly in the category of "It easy for you to say."

I don't know how old your kids are, so not sure if she has had to watch any of your successful pregnancies and natural birthing choices during or around any of her miscarriages. If this has taken place, she may have a lot of bent up feelings towards you and your pregnancies to begin with. Few people are able to discuss these things, even if they are close. 

[sosurreal09]

Originally Posted by dakotablue 

I gotta say I believe that there is a place for OB's and medical model of birth and it sounds like your sister is one of those cases. They are there for when things are high risk and can go wrong.

If you really want to empower her I'd talk to her more about breastfeeding and support afterward (like trying to have skin to skin as soon as she can), but not about questioning her choices during this pregnancy and birth.

 

[Belia]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

She's had a 1st tri loss, a 2nd tri loss, and you want to tell her how to do this pregnancy?  She's probably terrified out of her mind that she's going to lose this one too.  Leave her be.

Yup.  Blessings and peace to your sister.

[lunarlady]

There are times and places for closely monitored and medically intensive pregnancies, and this sounds like one of those times. I would echo the previous posters in saying leave her be about the pregnancy and labor issues, and focus more on the post partum and parenting stuff. What she needs most right now is support during an emotional time, and faith that she will go home with a babe in arms. If she asks, then give her an opinion, but otherwise just try to support and care for her as she, hopefully, brings this baby to a full term, healthy birth.

[savithny]

Originally Posted by trekkingirl 

Let me try another angle. An aquantence was getting married and I really felt that I should tell her how hard marriage is and how even in your sleep you are someones wife. You never get a break from that. And so on and so forth. Instead of her feeling like I had really put myself out there to make sure SOMEONE told her how it really is, she got pissed and now despises me! Mind you I have a rock solid marriage with the love of my life- which I told her despite that.

Some day the lady I talked to about marriage will think back and say that chic was for real!

Just to illustrate what people are trying to say:   I'm 41 now and I've been married 17.5 years, and I've never felt the way you feel about marriage.   

What you tried to tell her is what YOU subjectively think marriage "really is," not what it objectively really is

That observation isn't true for everyone.   

There's no guarantee that your ex-friend will realize you were "for real," because that isn't everyone's truth about marriage.  It's the truth about YOUR marriage, not hers, or mine, or anyone else's.    

Presenting YOUR truth  as the Only Reality isn't always going to go over well or convince someone.

In the OP's case, HER truth about pregnancy and birth is that she has twice had her babies die.  

Is that YOUR truth, OP?  Once you've had even one loss, it can change how you feel about the process.  

With two losses, including a later loss, her reality is now probably very different from yours.

It's good that you're questioning your impulses on this.   Its very valid to worry about your sister's birth experience on her behalf,  but you need to do that knowing that her birth reality is not yours, and that what she may value most in a birth experience is not the same as yours.   

There are some objective truths about childbirth, but there are also a lot of subjective judgements in the Natural Birth community.

IF she asks, by all means share your thoughts, being clear that they are in the context of your experiences.  

[pregnant@40]

I also would let her be. If something goes wrong, you do not ultimately want to be blamed for influencing the outcome. Just support her unconditionally in whatever she chooses, for that will have the greatest impact (and is your best method of support) in the long run.

[GuildJenn]

I agree with everyone else.

I think with sisters it can be really hard. My sister went into pre-term labour, hard and fast with a dilation of over 3 cm, at 24 weeks. In order to stop the labour, she was on drugs and literally flat on her back (with a catheter) for weeks and then after 30 weeks, allowed to go to the bathroom by herself but that was about it. At 35 weeks they stopped the drugs and a few hours later she had a mercifully healthy baby. 

She was so done. It was so hard. I don't have any idea how hard it was. I have never been through that. I have had a full-term infant loss and miscarriages, but I have never had to stop my life completely and give my body over to lying in a hospital for 10+ weeks, thinking the whole time about what having a preemie would mean, or wondering about every contraction.  I cannot walk in her shoes. (Just as she hasn't lost a child, although she lost a niece.)

Her muscles were not the same due to the bedrest and drugs, and when I went down to help with her newborn she was completely expecting a lecture about breastfeeding I think. But it wasn't going well. I could see in her body language that every feed was stressful and that she was at the end of her rope and although I don't think she resented her baby, she was resenting the situation. She did tell me she had mostly decided to go to formula and asked me what I thought. I said it would be nice to get one good latch so she would know what it was like (she was mostly pumping) but that I thought she had been through so much with her body being literally held hostage to labour for that long that I thought whatever choice she would make would be the most appropriate.

Of course what I really wanted for her was the experience I had as a breastfeeding mom. I was ready to share it if she wanted it. But she already hadn't had that experience, and when she asked me what I heard on the deepest level was "Am I going to be okay as a mom?" And giving her a lecture or LLL info (that she already had) was not IMO going to meet that need.  There are times to be an advocate, and times to be something else.

She was stunned at my support (so much so that it made me sad). But...she just needed support for her. I can't tell you how much that strengthened our relationship. Sometimes what people need most is to hear that they are capable human beings who have a right to make a different choice from us. In our case, since I'm the elder, I think we had a long history of me basically saying at times "u r doing it wrong!" and really, as a vulnerable new parent who was struggling in a thoughtful way to balance out needs...she had no need to hear anything like that.  

Sometimes, supporting your family means just letting them make decisions and being a listening ear.

[PoppyMama]

GuildJenn- Your post has me a bit weepy.  I think you were an advocate in the best sense.  You were an advocate for a person (and a family) not for an ideal I think it's much harder to be that kind of advocate.  I think by supporting people where they are and in the way they need not in the way we want is really what more of us need to be doing.

[jeminijad]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

She's had a 1st tri loss, a 2nd tri loss, and you want to tell her how to do this pregnancy?  She's probably terrified out of her mind that she's going to lose this one too.  Leave her be.

Yes...

[HappyHappyMommy]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama 

GuildJenn- Your post has me a bit weepy.  I think you were an advocate in the best sense.  You were an advocate for a person (and a family) not for an ideal I think it's much harder to be that kind of advocate.  I think by supporting people where they are and in the way they need not in the way we want is really what more of us need to be doing.