anyone have a child who just CANNOT have change?

[VisionaryMom]

My son is 5. He will be 6 in January. He craves structure and cleanliness in ways that I don't even understand. He has major, major anxiety (still working on dealing with that). A few months ago, DH & I were feeling overly stressed and chaotic. DS was acting out really badly, so long story short, we decided to cut out all of our volunteer work (which was a devastating decision for me), and we've finally gotten to the point that we've followed through on things and made arrangements, etc. 
 

So, we've had 3 weeks with nothing after school or on the weekends. We've been getting into a routine of nothingness. A friend of ours planned a ceremony & potluck on Tuesday evening to celebrate the Solstice, so we went. DS went to work with DH on Tuesday and enjoyed himself. Then we came home, ate snacks, and went to the event. DS played with kids HE KNOWS, but by the end (roughly 2 hours), he was a mess. Crying, raging, angry. 

Then last night, we decided to eat dinner out. Huge mistake. Disaster ensued.

So, I laid down with him last night, and he said he just can't handle it. He was sobbing, and I felt (feel) so badly for him. I didn't realize that his aversion to going out was this strong, and I'm also sad for the rest of us. I don't think we can realistically expect that we'll never go and do anything because he cannot handle it. (And that wouldn't be fair to DD, who is an extreme extrovert.) 

Does anyone else have a child who is this strongly attached to routine? I'm not sure what to do. Though I like structure, I do not have a set routine for everything. I think some of the residual problems we have with DS may be related to his needs not being met, but I don't know how. It would mean completely changing both DH & me to fit, and I don't want to head down the road of him thinking the world can be molded to fit HIM all the time. He's commented on how he thinks we should do all of our laundry everyday, and I've found him scrubbing our bathroom tiles and washing down the walls and light switches before. He definitely has a need for clean and orderly.

[crunchy_mommy]

Is it just the need for routine or also some social anxiety?

Do you think the need for order, cleanliness, etc. could be OCD? 

I have similar (though perhaps less severe) issues with my 22mo but he is so little & I think that kind of thing is expected with toddlers. I'm not sure at what age it would be considered more problematic.I think it's well within the range of normal for kids to want routine, order, etc. BUT if that need is interfering with daily life or causing a lot of distress (and it sounds like it is) than I would investigate further, perhaps consult a psychologist/specialist or at least his pediatrician. I know I had a ton of anxiety at that age and it did become problematic for me in the long run -- I wish I had learned ways to deal with my issues as a kid instead of as an adult after I basically destroyed my life & myself. 

Hopefully someone with older kids can chime in here since I don't have that kind of experience yet!

[Tigerchild]

While I do not have a child with this, one of my cousin's kids has severe OCD that manifested very early.

Please, please, please get a referral to a pediatric psychiatrist who has experience with anxiety/OCD issues.  Please.  Don't rely on your pediatrician (unless you need a referral from them).

Lots of kids can be neat and tidy, but this is causing him great suffering.  It is impacting your whole family.  That is a major red flag that you don't want to blow off (even though it's scary to ask for that kind of consult--I have had to do that for one of my own kids, about a different issue).

You can't avoid this--because while you may choose to have no social activities outside of the home, he is suffering *inside* the home as well.  My cousin blew off this with her kid (not because she's a bad parent, but because she didn't want to see/didn't see it as a big deal, and it was very scary for her to involve a mental health specialist) and it wasn't until he was so overwhelmed that he became suicidal at 8 to just get away from it because it was escalating that they got help.  At 12, he is *thriving* now.

Lots of kids don't like change.  Many tantrum/fight it.  But if it causes huge suffering, and is pretty global (can't handle going out, can't handle home either) then it should be checked.  IMO.

FWIW, my cousin also complements his treatment with nutition and naturopathic care.  For him (and hopefully IF this is your son's issue which it may very well may NOT be) pharma was necessary along with counseling, but again, his case was very severe and that's not the rule.

[Petie1104]

I have a dd with Asperger's, and ds with moderate OCD.  Yes, I've been there done that.  As the pp said, PLEASE get a referral and get him to a psych.  This is something that your son needs.  With that, here are some suggestions until you get that into place...

As soon as you find out about something, inform him.  Have a calendar on the wall that he can look at to see that on Mon. you are going to grandma's and on Tues. you have a potluck.

Don't eliminate every activity, but minimize to a couple times a week or less if possible.  And keep him informed.

Holidays are stressful, school breaks are stressful but you can work through them.  DS, even if it's a good change, i.e. guess what we're not going to Olive Garden with grandma so we decided to go to Chuckie Cheese instead, he will lose it.  He's 9 by the way and though he is learning to cope, it is difficult for him.

Let him in on the scheduling.  Give him an opportunity to help decide how long you will stay at a certain place.  With dd, if we just say, "hey, we're going to a potluck" she is likely to lose it almost immediately  If on the other hand we say, "hey we need to go to this potluck, what do you think we should do while we're there?  How long do you think we need to stay?"  And keep those in mind then get back to her and say, "OK so we are getting there at 4 and we will leave no later than 6 (actually buffer your estimate to be a little longer than you actually plan to stay so that you are leaving "early"), then she is more likely to make it the entire time.

Give him an escape.  If you are going to Chuckie Cheese (very stressful for DD) then make sure he knows the escape route.  "Honey if it starts getting overwhelming, if you start to get mad or scared, then come to mom and we will go stand outside and you can run in that patch of grass for a few minutes" or something of that nature.  Having an escape plan seems to help dd actually NOT have to use it.  Just knowing that there is the option helps alot.

Try doing some of these things and see if they help.  Some may, some might not, either way, it sounds like you need a way to cope at least until you can get in to see a specialist.

[VisionaryMom]

We saw a developmental psychologist when DS was 4. At the time, he was having these intense rages that would last for hours until he would exhaust himself and fall asleep. We had some of the compulsive behavior then, but it's definitely gotten worse. The psychologist did some testing. His report at the time was that DS has a significant (around 4 years) different in his cognitive/intellectual ability and his emotional development. (He's emotionally pretty "normal" in some ways, but very unaware of what's going on around him. I'd even say lately that he's on the lower end of average emotional development.) The thought is that the rages and compulsions both were part of an attempt at dealing with the gap. That made sense at the time.

It still largely does except that the compulsions are getting more pronounced. I don't think they interfere, but I can see them getting more stringent. So he's always been meticulous about washing his hands after going to the bathroom (and fussing at his sister if she forgets), but now he washes his hands if he touches our cat. That in and of itself isn't really problematic (to me), but if it's part of a trajectory of hand-washing, then it is. I just don't know where that line is and when we say "okay, this is not normal behavior."

His anxiety is just overwhelming. Little things trigger him. We went to a pumpkin patch, and a woman there said to be careful. He questioned her vigorously, and she said, "you could get poison ivy." He became so worried that he would get poison ivy that we had to cancel a hiking trip. We'd hiked that trail several times, but we refused to guarantee that he wouldn't get it (because I wasn't going to make that guarantee on the off-chance he did rub against something that caused hives). He started to ask us to carry him from our deck to the car "just in case there's poison ivy." Things like that trigger him, and he just worries incessantly about them.

He has some other issues that I'm going to post in the PTGC forum because after re-reading what I wrote, they're more appropriate there. I will say here that I think some of his school issues may be feeding into his general anxiety problems.

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

It still largely does except that the compulsions are getting more pronounced. I don't think they interfere, but I can see them getting more stringent. So he's always been meticulous about washing his hands after going to the bathroom (and fussing at his sister if she forgets), but now he washes his hands if he touches our cat. That in and of itself isn't really problematic (to me), but if it's part of a trajectory of hand-washing, then it is. I just don't know where that line is and when we say "okay, this is not normal behavior."

I think it can be difficult to know where this line is -- and these are great books to help you determine what is "normal" and what needs some outside attention:

"Freeing Your Child From Anxiety"

http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-Child-Anxiety-Practical/dp/0767914929/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1293274050&sr=8-1

"Freeing Your Child from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder"

http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-Child-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder/dp/0812931173/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1293274262&sr=8-3

If it were me, I wouldn't just rely on these books, but rather get them while you are getting a referral to bridge a gap.

[Linda on the move]

He sounds a little like my dd,who has intense sensory issues as part of her autism dx. She also has anxiety issues. It can be very difficult to sort out exactly what's going on with kids. I'd recommend getting a full neuro psych evaluation, and seeing if you can get him into cognitive behavior therapy.

My dd being the way she is does have an impact on our family, but we have gradually figured out how to make some things work better for her, what kinds of restaurants and outings are fun for her, and got comfortable with 1 parent doing something with one child while the other parent does something with the other child.

There is hope.
Edited by Linda on the move - 12/25/10 at 12:59pm

[LynnS6]

Another vote for trying to get him evaluated/treated for anxiety at least. He sounds very much like he might benefit from play therapy. I'd also look into other issues -- sensory, diet.

If you haven't read: Freeing Your Child from Anxiety, I'd recommend it. I'd also recommend the workbook: What to do when you worry too much (for you and him to work through together).

My kids have mild-moderate anxiety, and it's hard. Dd was freaking out last night because she was afraid of Santa visiting. Something about the 'home invasion' aspect bothers her. She's been exposed to the 'truth', but rejected it. She wants to believe, and she's scared. ARGH! Dd sleeps in our room for 1/2 the night every night because she wakes up and is scared (she's 6 1/2). But she's getting better (sleeping longer in her room) and is generally OK during the day.

I think this is more than simply asynchronous development between intellect and emotions. If he can't go hiking because there might be poison ivy, if he's scrubbing the bathroom, it's more than that. I think giftedness and anxiety can go together, but this is more than overexcitability.