Husband against having a doula!

[blizzy]

I'm pregnant with my first, due in 5 weeks, newly married. My intention is a drug-free hospital birth, and am very interested in the support and knowledge a doula would bring. I got as far as contacting local doulas and even meeting with one (and husband). However, hubby is strongly against it, for financial reasons and also because he sees this professional as potentially interfering or stepping on his toes. I have tried to explain how a doula can support both mom and dad, follows our wishes, and how the research shows many benefits. My mother has offered to cover the cost. Every conversation has gotten horribly tense, and he is not budging. He seems very emotionally against this. Meanwhile, I feel unsupported on this and want him to acknowledge that this should be more my decision since I have a major role in the labor and birth! I feel stuck, and like this issue is tainting an experience that could be one of the most powerful of my life, and is also affecting how I feel about hubby and our relationship.

This is my first post here, and I'm hoping for a little insight and/or encouragement!

[weliveintheforest]

I would ask him to meet with another doula or two.  It could be that you can find someone who will make him feel at ease... and you could ask a lot of questions specifically about how she supports the Dad, and stays out of his way as the main support person.  Do you have any friends whose husbands could talk to him about doulas and the positive impact they had?  Sometimes it can help a man to hear from another man who had a good experience.

Do you feel like he is well prepared for birth?  Does he?  

[Owen'nZoe]

You know, I think your husband's fears are really common. My husband had all of the same concerns - he was worried he'd be pushed to the side during the birth and not really have a role to play. He wanted to be useful. Afterwards, he was so glad the doula was there. So glad. He was right there with me the whole time, and she was kind of off to the side, stepping in when needed, guiding him when he asked, and keeping us both calm. During your first birth, you have no idea what is normal and what is something to be alarmed about. Just having an experienced person in the room who can say, 'that's totally normal, it's OK" was worth it to us.
 

Anyway, do you know anyone who has used a doula? Or have you gotten references from the doula you spoke with? I think it would really help for your DH to talk to another Dad who has already been through a birth with a doula, and who can reassure your DH. I know a lot of families who have used doulas, and haven't met a single husband who wasn't happy with the whole experience.

[blizzy]

Thanks for the responses. We are in a new rural location, and don't know anyone personally that could reassure my husband. Our location also makes it more difficult to meet with people. But I'm going to keep trying. This is important to me, and I think it would help both of our experiences, as you both say.

[dejagerw]

You could also make the point that having a doula will lower your chances of having interventions, and ultimately a c-section.  Not having a c-section will result in a much lower doctor bill than if you needed one.

Also, first time labors can take very long.  With my first I labored at home for 12 hours, then spent over 24 hours laboring at the hospital.  I did not want to be alone, my husband had to continually apply counterpressure to my back.  If your husband wants to maybe eat something or take a break or talk to your or his parents who are anxiously awaiting an update, it would really be nice for you to have someone else there so you aren't alone.  You probably won't want your hubby to be eating in front of you either, since likely at a hospital they won't allow you to eat.  

Good luck!  pp also have some good ideas too. 

[blizzy]

pp?

[womenswisdom]

Originally Posted by blizzy 

pp?

Previous Posters (pp)

I would suggest you make it a condition of you considering not having a doula that he read The Birth Partner and Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth like now.  If he's not willing to do that and prepare to support you, then you get to hire a doula.  It seems that husbands who feel this way don't really understand the reality of labor, what it's like to be a support person for a woman in labor, what tools they will likely need, and WHY you are trying to do what you are trying to do.  He can't go in clueless and expect that he'll just be able to "wing it", especially since (I'm assuming) he's never even seen a mom in labor or a birth before.  Hopefully, reading those books will help put the whole thing into perspective and help him understand the reasons a doula would be helpful.  Good luck!

[philomom]

I have seen doulas mess with that groovy, loving couple energy that can exist at a birth.

My dh took Bradley classes with me and he was the only doula I will ever need. I gave birth naturally and with a CNM in the hospital. Both births were glorious, intervention free events.

[KempsMama]

Originally Posted by womenswisdom 

Originally Posted by blizzy 

pp?

Previous Posters (pp)

I would suggest you make it a condition of you considering not having a doula that he read The Birth Partner and Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth like now.  If he's not willing to do that and prepare to support you, then you get to hire a doula.  It seems that husbands who feel this way don't really understand the reality of labor, what it's like to be a support person for a woman in labor, what tools they will likely need, and WHY you are trying to do what you are trying to do.  He can't go in clueless and expect that he'll just be able to "wing it", especially since (I'm assuming) he's never even seen a mom in labor or a birth before.  Hopefully, reading those books will help put the whole thing into perspective and help him understand the reasons a doula would be helpful.  Good luck!

I agree with this.

Also, do you have any friends who have used a doula, with whom your hubby is friends with their hubby? 

I live in MN too, have you already found a doula? 

[HappyWoman]

As the birthing mother, you DESERVE to have the birth that YOU want. YOU will be birthing your baby, and you should be supported and encouraged during the process in the way that works for you. If you want a doula, you should have a doula. There are times during a marriage for compromise and giving in to your partner. The birth of your baby is not one of those times.

Our first baby was born in a hospital and we had a doula. She was AWESOME. That was 6 years ago, and to this day my husband tells others that she was worth every penny. She was our advocate in the hospital. She knew what questions to ask. She'd get the nurse. She gave me massages. She'd cover for my husband when he'd have a bathroom or meal break. She took photos. She didn't replace my husband. Instead, she supported both of us through the birth.

In selecting a doula the most important criteria is that you and your partner "click" with her. Let your intuition guide you; you'll know when you find the right fit.

When you talk with your husband, be clear about what you need and also tell him how much you appreciate him. Tell him that no one could ever replace him. You just want someone there to support both of you through the process - a professional that has been through this before. In these next few weeks spend some extra quality time with your husband. Have some fun together. There are a number of books about how to improve your relationship after you've had a baby: And Baby Makes Three by John and Julia Gottman, and  Babyproofing Your Marriage. They are popular so you can probably find them at the local library.

[Twinklefae]

Explain to him that the doula is for BOTH of you.  My husband was fantastically supportive of me during the birth of DS.  But it was a LONG LONG birth, and having a doula enabled both of them to switch off of physical support like swaying.  It enabled him to run out and get something to eat after the 24 hour mark.  And when we had a change of plans and I got an epidural, the doula was able to explain what was happening to him when he was frightened by the medical equipment.  When they took my son to deep suction him, DH was able to go with him while the doula remained with me for support.  And at my hospital, if you have a c-section, your doula AND your husband can accompany you into the OR, so that if there is a problem with the baby, Dad can go with the baby while the doula stays with Mom.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in planning to support Mom that we can forget that Dad may need support too.  And a good doula WON'T forget that.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by HappyWoman 

As the birthing mother, you DESERVE to have the birth that YOU want. YOU will be birthing your baby, and you should be supported and encouraged during the process in the way that works for you. If you want a doula, you should have a doula. There are times during a marriage for compromise and giving in to your partner. The birth of your baby is not one of those times.

I see this attitude a lot on MDC and it makes me sad. This is your husband's child, too. It's only natural he should  have some input into how the birth of his child should unravel. How does he envision your shared child coming into this world?

 Wives often steamroll over men at wedding plans, vacation plans, and many major life events and they should be planning as a team. After all, you want to have a dad in your child's life, right? You want to model to your hildren how to work through all life's issues, right?  Compromise is key.

[Monkey Keeper]

My husband was not supportive of a doula either--AT FIRST.  He did agree to meet with my prospective doula who also is a friend of mine.  I explained some of his reservations to her beforehand, and she did a great job of addressing them.  I think the biggest factors in his change of heart were:

1)  Understanding how the hospital works.  This was our 3rd birth, but until our doula talked him through it, he didn't understand things like the latitude nurses have with orders, how little of your conversations/agreements/birth wishes conveyed to your OB or MW makes it to the staff, and how difficult it can be to advocate for yourselves when in the moment and being pressured.  Her ability to be a go-between and "translator" was valuable to him.

2)  Seeing how important it was for me to have the birth I wanted.

After 19 hours of active labor with contractions 3min apart, needing constant, hard counter pressure even WITH an eventual epidural, we got the peaceful, complication-free VBAC we hoped for. Since then, he has told countless people--completey unprompted--that our doula was worth every single penny.  He wouldn't have been able to eat, drink, or pee for most of those 19 hours without her.  We probably would have gone to the hospital too soon, gotten less helpful nursing staff, and dealt with a lot more intervention if we hadn't had there assisting and advising us.  Plus, it helped him to have her as a barometer.  He tends to think I "overreact" and looked to our doula for gut checks along the lines of  "is this normal" or "is something wrong".

All of that to say that perhaps what the doula told him didn't address his reluctance.  If you can get to the bottom of why he's so against it, you can refute those reasons.  

Edited by Monkey Keeper - 12/27/10 at 5:27pm

[Owen'nZoe]

Originally Posted by blizzy 

Thanks for the responses. We are in a new rural location, and don't know anyone personally that could reassure my husband. Our location also makes it more difficult to meet with people. But I'm going to keep trying. This is important to me, and I think it would help both of our experiences, as you both say.

Definitely ask your doula for references you can call, then, and ask your husband to talk to the reference husband. I think that will go much further towards reassuring him than anything you can say will.

[allisonrose]

Another thing to mention to him that hasn't really been addressed yet is how little you see of the hospital staff. At least that's the way it was for the birth of my first son. So my hubby had the burden of being the sole support for me. But he wasn't sure what to do. Counter pressure never occured to him. The only thing he could think of to do is tell me that I was "doing great". It wasn't as helpful to me as he thought it might be. Some nurses might be more helpful with suggestions or more hands on but ours really weren't.

[jessica_s]

My DH was initially against having a doula as well and as others have said, afterwards he literally said that was the best money we spent. 

My DH is not a nurturing type, loving and devoted yes, but he's got no patience and is not good with others in pain. He took Bradley with me and felt prepared but I think we were both surprised by a few things in labor. One was that I would be physically unable to convey what I wanted or needed. I could think everything clearly in my head but the contractions were such that they required so much concentration I couldn't get anything but yes or no out. My DH is not good at guessing (period lol) what a pregnant woman in labor wants, our doula was. She'd also as yes or no questions where my DH would ask questions of me that required more answer. Little things like that I remember. 

I think we also didn't realize how much your on your own at the hospital, we had a midwife who would normally stay with us the entire time but it was really busy and she really wasn't there that much. It was just so helpful to have an extra set of hands, I also felt that I really needed "been there done that" woman energy with me! 

[Storm Bride]

I can kind of understand why a dad-to-be could be hesitant about a doula. That said...if a man is willing to fight his wife on what she feels she needs in the way of support, I have to doubt whether he's even capable of supporting her in the hospital. If my dh were basically telling me when I was pregnant, "I know you think you need that, but you don't", I wouldn't even want him at the birth. That's not good energy for a birth, imo.

Philomom: I get what you're saying, but it also sounds as though your dh was willing to work with you during your pregnancies and births. I don't see how a woman can compromise on what she needs to feel supported. I've suffered pretty bad birth trauma with all but one of my babies, and I've had a few issues with dh over some of it...not because he fought me, either. If he'd actively resisted me getting a doula, and then I'd gone through the same things, I think our marriage would have been in the toilet. I agree that it's his baby, too. In fact, dh was the deciding factor that made me have a c-section, instead of giving birth, with my last baby. But, it's also not his body.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by philomom 

Wives often steamroll over men at wedding plans, vacation plans, and many major life events and they should be planning as a team. After all, you want to have a dad in your child's life, right? You want to model to your hildren how to work through all life's issues, right?  Compromise is key.

I also wanted to say that I've never steamrolled over dh on any of the things you talk about here. I also wouldn't steamroll over him about birth...but that doesn't mean I'd let him steamroll me. If you've got a guy who's great at labour/birth support, that's great, but it doesn't mean all men will be. I can't even imagine why my dh - or any man - would think he has the right to override me on birth. That's just so weird to me. Heck - many, many, many births have taken place with the father not even there, let alone providing the level of support the labouring woman needed. I'm also not sure how a labouring woman can "compromise" on what support she needs.

[nia82]

My DH was against a doula for our first birth because he thought he can do anything that a doula does. So we didn't hire one. He was an awful labor support, didn't stand up for me, didn't encourage me that I can do this and instead was very fearful once active labor hit and bowed to whatever the staff said despite the fact that he knew it was against my birth plan. I very, very, very much regret not having had a doula. That is why I ended up with some Stadol and supine pushing position. That will never happen again! This time, DH even begged for me to hire a doula. He now knows that he cannot handle the pain, the blood, the support. Also we are now at a birthing center instead of a hospital, last time in rural CA we had no choice...

And as for steam rolling, I never do that, it's more my DH's kind of thing... He only ever was against a doula for the $$$$.

[MegBoz]

I also think you've received great advice from PPs. If you could, maybe find a doula experienced with the Bradley method. The whole concept is 'Husband coached childbirth!" My doula is also a Bradley teacher, so I figured that was an even safer bet that she wouldn't usurp a husband's supportive role. (Certainly this is a quality ALL decent doulas have! But I just felt being a Bradley teacher too was a nice extra bit of insurance.)
 

Originally Posted by philomom 

Originally Posted by HappyWoman 

As the birthing mother, you DESERVE to have the birth that YOU want. YOU will be birthing your baby, and you should be supported and encouraged during the process in the way that works for you. If you want a doula, you should have a doula. There are times during a marriage for compromise and giving in to your partner. The birth of your baby is not one of those times.

I see this attitude a lot on MDC and it makes me sad. This is your husband's child, too. It's only natural he should  have some input into how the birth of his child should unravel. How does he envision your shared child coming into this world?

Uh, I can't speak for her, but I do believe HappyWoman was saying the mama's preference should be higher priority. There is no way to "compromise" - you hire a doula, or you don't. There is no "middle ground." & considering the Mama is the one giving birth, her preference should have higher "weight." 

While I agree in principle that laboring & birthing decisions should involve dad too, I also think mama's preference should be higher priority. That should be common sense - dads should need to be TOLD that.

Besides this DH doesn't sound too educated on what doulas do, making me even more inclined to think he should pay more attention to meeting his wife's needs & making sure she gets what she feels she needs.

I like the analogy that it's like hiring a sherpa to climb Mt. Everest - sure,  you do a lot of training & preparation on your own to be able to reach the summit, but it still helps to have someone along who has been there before.

& what on earth makes this DH think he's fully equipped to be adequate labor support? I think it's safe to assume he's never even been present for a birth, let alone a natural birth, let alone been present in a supportive role, so why does he think he's prepared to offer ALL the support his DW could possibly need?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

I can kind of understand why a dad-to-be could be hesitant about a doula. That said...if a man is willing to fight his wife on what she feels she needs in the way of support, I have to doubt whether he's even capable of supporting her in the hospital.

Yes, it is this DH's tension over the issue that has me really concerned. If he is educated on what being "labor support" really entails, IF he is educated on what doulas really do, IF he has given a doula or 2 a chance by talking with them, and IF he really knows what labor support in a hospital entails (i.e. the very real, potential need to fight) and STILL feels a doula is unnecessary, then what he should be doing is reassuring his wife that he is adequately prepared to support her. He should be reassuring & comforting her by telling her what he plans to do that would make a doula unnecessary. But, um, yeah, doesn't sound like that's what's going on here.