Husband against having a doula! - Page 2

[blizzy]

Thanks, everyone. Because of these responses, communication with a doula, and some chats with friends and mom, I got to the point where I wasn't going to need my husband's consent or permission. So I insisted that this is what I really wanted, and set up another meeting with a new doula, hoping that this very experienced doula would be a better fit for both of us. She seems to be! And so the good news is that my guy is saying "Because you really want this, we have to do it" and we are moving forward. Yay! He is also still very negative about it at times, but I'm just trying to be positive and appreciative, and feel relieved and energized by the development. Second meeting with the doula is tonight.

I appreciate the Bradley recommendation, and I read the Bradley book, but we are super rural and I am due in 3 weeks.

As far as understanding my husband's mindset, I think this triggers ideas about independence, not needing authorities, and being impeded by judges or observers. If he was giving birth, he might want to do it unassisted! At the same time, he has not taken much initiative in reading or researching all that's involved. So while I appreciate his independent, strong nature ( he would give himself stitches, no problem!) but I have different needs and desires  and I am glad I am listening to them.

Thanks again.

[MegBoz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by blizzy 
As far as understanding my husband's mindset, I think this triggers ideas about independence, not needing authorities, and being impeded by judges or observers. If he was giving birth, he might want to do it unassisted!

Ha, now the fact that you think he'd UC is kinda ironic. hehe!

Interesting, I never thought of my doula as ANY kind of "authority." Not in the least. She was my employee & I could take or leave her and her suggestions... literally, I suspected I might want to labor alone & was more than prepared to ask her to stay out of the room if that's what I felt I wanted in the moment.

She was not an "authority" to me but a subject-matter expert, and therefore a source of useful knowledge. But then again, there are always people on this earth who will know more than me on a certain subject and I think it's wise to take advantage of that fact & tap into their expertise whenever possible ("expertise" referring to both factual knowledge and real-world-BTDT experience.) I don't view "experienced subject-matter expert" as being the same as "authority" at all.

Now, the HOSPITAL on the other hand, THEY are sorta "authority" figures. Yeah, technically they're not legally allowed to do a single thing to us without permission, they don't see it that way and too often they don't behave that way either. :( I had serious problems worrying about feeling "controlled" and "bossed around." For example, it was very important to me not to have the MW & nurses counting & yelling at me to push! "Bossed around" is how that would have made me feel & it would have really pissed me off.

But the doula has no obligations to the hospital whatsoever. She doesn't have to worry about following "procedures." She is paid exclusively by DH & I to help us make sure we get what we want. Because she has no other sorts of obligations and she is someone who, philosophically, believes in not interfering unnecessarily with birth, I knew she wouldn't suggest (or suggest we comply) with things that would "speed up" birth or acting out of habit or suggesting things to make life easier on nurses (like cEFM.) IOW, I could trust that what she said, she was saying because it was really & truly in our best interests.

Just sayin' maybe as more time goes by he may come to view the doula in this way too & that might help. Glad to hear you're moving forward with what you need!!

[AutumnAir]

I didn't have a doula for my first birth, partly because we lived somewhere where they were almost unheard of, so it would have been difficult logistically, but also because my DH was uncomfortable with the idea.  He figured he should be able to do all the supporting.  But he hardly read anything about birth during my pregnancy, didn't really know much about my birth plans, and didn't really want to talk about ways he might be able to help support me himself.  I put up with it because I knew he really wanted it to be 'me and him' - also because my MW assured me that she would be able to provide doula-like support herself.

Well, it all went horribly wrong.  The MW was anything but supportive, DH slept through half my very long and painful labour and sat around on his computer for much of the rest of it, I ended up being coerced into a hospital transfer where I suffered birth rape while DH stood by and watched, despite the fact that I had told him that it was really important that he stand up for me with any doctors if we did transfer - he was just a rabbit in the headlights.  I suffered huge PTSD and our marriage nearly ended because of it all.

When I got pregnant the second time I put my foot down and insisted that I was having a doula.  DH was again reluctant, but I pointed out that she might actually be able to help him to help me, and gently reminded him of how horribly badly things had gone the last time - where I'm sure that with more support, both of a practical and emotional sort, I would have been able to have DD1 at home as planned.  The doula was a godsend during pregnancy, because I was utterly terrified due to the trauma I had suffered first time around.  She listened to all my concerns and helped me come up with plans and strategies for every imaginable scenario - and also helped me to get in contact with the right person when I needed to negotiate expectant management for my post-dates pregnancy.

In the end, I had a UC - without even DH or the doula!! UC had been a possible game-plan for me, though I hadn't banked on labour going so quickly that neither DH nor the doula had time to get there - they were both only about half an hour's travel away!!  But regardless, I'm still incredibly glad that we hired her - just for the peace of mind she provided me during pregnancy alone.

ETA: My point being, if you feel you want/need a doula, then really that's what you should have.  A husband who's willing to support his wife during labour will also be willing to do/provide anything he can that will help her to feel more comfortable/confident.  You can always make an agreement with your DH that you can ask the doula to step back/outside for a while any time you both want some more intimate time during labour.  Most doulas are more than happy to do anything they can to help the dad to support the mom - they don't want to get in the way.