After all of this time and how horrible he's been--I still don't want to be a single mom

[GranoLLLy-girl]

My ex walked out on the kids and me in May (on our 2oth anniversary--nice, huh?)---I've been living in our house since then but it's been on the market since Thanksgiving.  Well, we sold it.  Now I'm desperately looking for a place to live (not as easy as you might think)...but beyond all of this headache--I'm still angry and don't want to be a single mom.  I'm mad that I'm selling the house alone and packing alone and raising the kids alone and doing everything alone. I have a birthday next week and I'm over 40 and I don't think I'll ever meet anyone who would want to be with me--I have aged ten years in ten months.  It's pure torture.  I'm so unhappy and miserable.  If you read and respond PLEASE do not suggest counseling.  BTDT.  It's the FACT that I spent almost half of my life with this man and have been left to put the world back together again ALONE.  I'm so angry about that.  I'm so angry that he seems to think that he's a hero.  If I ever mention things about what is going on, he'll throw in how hard this has been on his schedule or how much he is contributing or say something like, "I've been more than generous and have been a really great guy in all of this."  Uh...really?  Just because he's willing to throw a few extra bucks my way in child support (even though he's not paying any spousal support and has left me with the complete care of the house and kids)...I'm still just MADDER than heck.

Thanks for reading.  OMG, if 2011 doesn't show SOME improvement in my life, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to carry on.

[momof4peppers]

I have no advice. Just love and support that your 2011 shows you just how wonderful and fabulous you are, and how much you deserve.

[Everrgreen]

*hugs*  I'm so sorry.  I understand the anger.  I am so angry just about all the time.  It's like there's this energy inside of me that is constantly fuming mad.  I don't know how to get rid of that anger.  I'm just hoping time will heal my wounds :(

[meemee]

mama things will get better.

i promise you.

time really does heal.

it doesnt feel like now...

but it really really does. 

no i wont suggest counselling.

but i will suggest be easy with yourself. be kind and gentle and understanding. you are greiving. this is HUGE mama. HUGE. twenty years. that's a huge chunk of your life. 

you are mad and angry. yes that is good. you are going thru stages of break up.

please look at the reality of what you have gone thru. next to death divorce is seen as the most life changing stressful thing. this is not something just big. it IS HUGE. esp at 40 when you feel what else can there be left for you.

recognise that you will be depressed. heck yeah! going thru such life changes of course depression is an obvious side effect. but its situational. it may not be a life long thing - unless of course you hold on to it and make it so. 

its only been what 6 - 7 months. to recover from 20 years. heck 6 months is nothing. gosh you are just starting probably to get on your feet with day to day living so now you can slowly focus on your emotional self. 

easy to say i know but seriously FORGET about him. he is having it hard too, but obviously doesnt want to show it. his life isnt half of what he is trying to show it is. 

dont listen to him. dont look for what he is doing (not  saying u r doing these things) but the less interaction you have with him is the best.

focus on yourself and your family and take each moment by moment ... and life will slowly start becoming familiar again. teh light will slowly start appearing at the end fo the tunnel - sliver by sliver. 

feel the sadness. express your emotions. get to know the bottom of your pain. because no matter what happens next you will never ever be in this same place again. ever. so know it before you say good bye to it.

i hope you have at least one friend to talk to - to let it all out. 

perhaps one day you might see the beauty in aloneness. i have noticed from all the single mamas i know those of us who are really enjoying being single - are still single after multiple years. and those who decided that they dont really want to be alone have all partnered with someone. what's interesting is those who took time to truly heal have great partnerships. the others are all spiraling down. 

mama just know one thing. you are never, ever alone in your loneliness. it feels like no one understands what you are going thru but unfortunately you have company in your pain. so many are in your very shoes. my friends used to tell me that - but i was in so much pain that i just. could. not. believe. it. 

so what would you like on your birthday. we could all do a few things. we'd have an online party for you - and depending on your emotional state we'll keep you company. if you need to cry we'll be there as your wailing sisters. if you need to be angry we'll bring our basket of choicest expletives and throw them at all the injustices of the world. or we could light candles and just relax with ya sharing our very own moving or inspiring music. just let us know the date. 

[smeep]

I had an ex whom I was very deeply involved with. One day he walked out on us. Just walked out, the end. It took me months to get over it. When I could tell a breakup was inevitable with this baby's "father" I was crushed. I didn't want to be with him at all but I felt like I was never going to find anyone and I'm left all alone again. I have since found out that the first ex mentioned, as well as DS's biodad and even my "high school sweetheart" got married...and this baby's "father" started shacking up with his ex within a few weeks (perhaps less) of him kicking me out. Not really a confidence booster.

I am doing as well as I am because I have amazing friends and because I have my kiddos - the BEST part! So what if all my ex's get married? I get super awesome kids in exchange! I have to keep telling myself that. And then there are my friends who have 1+ kids and eventually found a SO who really loves them and that they're happy with. And some of my friends who have found their SO are over 40, so if they could do it then you can!!! 

But, yes, it sucks. Big time. And that's perfectly normal. Just try to focus on the good things (like your kids!) more often than the sucky stuff. 

[Momtwice]

My numbers are not that different from yours.

It gets better.

It hurts, and it hurts, and it hurts, and you wish it would stop.

Then one day you wake up and it doesn't hurt. Maybe it's just for that day.

Then it  hurts less and less.

Eventually you go a whole day without even thinking about him.

Eventually  you go a whole WEEK without even thinking about him. (And then he hears about something special going on in one of the kids' lives from a mutual friend and you realize you forgot to tell him and your child didn't care enough to tell him. And he pouts. And you laugh inside, and compose a polite apology email.)

It hurts and it hurts and it hurts, and then it gets a little better, a little better, and then a LOT better.

I went from weeping in counseling and feeling crazy, to going to counseling thinking what am I going to talk about today? I feel too good to think of anything.

It gets better.

[Phoenix~Mama]

You have every right to be angry.  Own your emotions and give yourself space and time to deal with it.  Be gentle with yourself.  Re-starting your life is HARD. 

I was definitely angry at ex for some time.  I still have some days of total resentment that he picks and chooses when to be a parent and I'm on duty all the time and it's infuriating that he doesn't have to be part of the team he helped create.

It DOES get better.  Truely, it does.  I was terrified of being a single Mom.  I floundered forever on leaving my ex even though he is a total UAV, and most of it boiled down to fear of being a single Mom.  I didn't beleive people when they would tell me it would work out, and that eventually I'd feel better...

But here I am, feeling like I've come through to the other side.  It's not easy Mama.  I'm sorry for your loss.  Even when they guy is a UAV, it still is a loss of the life we had built, and some may not understand that, but all the feelings you have are real and valid. 

May you find peace in your new life.  Give it time.  :hug

[hillymum]

I'm right there with you too! I just erased a long passage about how I'm dealing with the same crap, but you don't need to know that. Just know your not alone!

[rubelin]

yes to what everyone else has said. My marriage ended after nearly 10 years when I was in my late 30's. It's now 3.5 yrs since he moved out and the anger is nearly all gone. It's still hard to be a single parent, I still fear that I will never be in a relationship again, especially as I near 40, but I found MY life again and that life is so much better than what my life had become with him. I fought being a single parent emotionally (didn't fight his leaving) and it's been a struggle to accept what I've got now but at some point it happens and you get on your feet stable enough to start moving forward again. Cut yourself some slack for a few years (yes, I said YEARS) expect that the healing will take lots of time and then give yourself the space to be surprised but your progress through it. It can be a one step forward, 2 -3 steps back kind of progress but it happens and you'll be stronger and healthier than you could ever imagine now =)

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Thanks mee mee...truly...and everyone else...thank you.  My b-day is December 30th. I'll be 46.  I feel like I am 90.  Thank you for the kindness...

[meemee]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl 

Thanks mee mee...truly...and everyone else...thank you.  My b-day is December 30th. I'll be 46.  I feel like I am 90.  Thank you for the kindness...

hahahaha!!! i beat you!!! i am older than you by 20 days. 

let me tell you Gran (and i dont want to rain sunshine on your gloomy days - i dont speak to many about my life because its too euphoric - so tell me to shut up) you will be speaking a completely different language in a couple of years. you have to. 40s are your peak years. and really let me tell you i have had more fun in my 40s than any other age. its a mix of experience from living this long, your peak health and sexual prowess, and a questioning your own values and ethics. 

if i had to choose what age i could be born again at i'd definitely choose the 40s. you are more confident - all the useless things fall off - you have more confidence in yourself and really see what matters in life. i am lacking, dearly lacking in material things.... but oh boy let me tell you i am overflowing with non-material things. i am waaaaaaay more upfront, dont care about what others think and generally have an 'f*** you' air - not in the aggressive sense but in the 'this is who i am - you take me for who i am or you dont. i dont care.' oh its soooooooo freeing never shaving your legs again. and more so showing up in shorts and skirts with hairy legs showing. and not care what others think.

ah and oh the men!!! young and old - falling over you. my friends dad didnt want me to visit him yesterday along with his son, because i was too attractive (preen). his dad is years older than me, really good looking and a charmer whom i love talking to. best christmas present. as all these men become available to you - right when you dont have time for them - you discover you give two hoots for their looks. and you honestly mean it. its the brains that is the sexiest thing about them. 

and its a combination of how things worked out for me. being thousands of miles away from family, going thru a break up all alone and money problems. my life today is just a series of blessings. really. i want . i want to grow my own food. i have friends who will give me chickens, help me find unused chicken wire and wood and help build me a coop. provided by new landlord is willing. all this happened not by my asking. but saying i really want chickens roaming around my veggies. their offers came as a real shock to me - and delight of course. i am sooo excited. 

mama you have community - you have everything. everything else pales in importance. its this community of sisters and like minded folks who provide sooo much richness in my life. 

[GranoLLLy-girl]

mee mee--wow--you are an inspiration.  I don't feel beautiful...I feel washed up.  I feel tired...I feel lonely and I'm scared to death.  Maybe in a couple of years, I'll be where you are...but now, it's a daily struggle.  Raising these two kids alone---it's all I can do each day to just get through.  I REALLY hope I'll be where you are...in two years...really.

[meemee]

you will Gran. if you stop looking back, if you stop getting scared and jump in. without looking for a safety net (the best secret is - there is always a safety net, u just never see it). my heart and stomach had to go thru tremendous calisthenics to get to the phase i am in now. 

you do that by natural flowing with how life is flowing. your kid wants an icecream. that's the last couple of bucks you have on u. u get it, instead of saving it. u have an extra 20 bucks. a jewelry class opens up for 20 bucks. and you go oooh before logic hits. instead of giving into the feeling of that's crazy - save it, take the courage of taking that class.

every. single. time. i. have. taken. a. risk.

every. single. time.

its paid off exponentially. sometimes it seemed like immediately i was an idiot and suffered. and people got the chance to not their heads, wag their finger and say i told you so, but out of that suffering came something profound and big.

so when your time is done - when your cycle of grief and anger - is done you will find that place. provided u keep moving forward.