I told my dad about ex (baby's "father") being abusive

[smeep]

and his reply was, "I thought so." Obviously he didn't have any idea before things got bad/ended all at once and I didn't ask him when he started to suspect it or what tipped him off, but that says a LOT to me that my dad suspected ex's abuse even though I hardly ever told him anything. I think in a lot of ways I still downplay it. The fact that someone else could see it, without me telling him hardly anything, really tells me a lot about how bad it was.

People always seem to think it has to be physical or that it has to be massively extreme emotional abuse (I can't even get a restraining order unless there's direct physical harm or direct threat of physical harm...you know, forget any other form of abuse as it "doesn't count"). So, of course, that makes me think that what happened to me isn't really abuse. Even though the logical side of me considers what he did to be abuse. The guy left me in an unsafe area at 4am with no phone, food, water, money, shelter, nothing, while pregnant, and didn't care where I was or if I was okay. That's abuse, no? And, sadly, it's just one example of the many, many horrible things he did. 

Has anyone else been in the "it can't be abuse because no one considers it to be serious enough to call abuse" mindset? Even when you know it's abuse, how do you get your brain out of that mode? I still have a hard time saying it because part of me keeps saying, "No one else calls it abuse so you must just be over exaggerating and "playing victim"." Ugh.

But it did help a lot to get it out. I really wanted my dad to understand why I don't plan to go for child support and why I'm so scared of ex being alone with this baby (and, frankly, the thought him being in this baby's life in at all is rather frightening). I asked that he tell my mom (who I have a lot of issues with and therefore have an even harder time going to about things like this) so she can understand, as she's already said once before that I'll "have to" get child support (to which I didn't respond).

Let's just hope I use this one as a learning experience... I definitely don't want to repeat the same mistake again. I suppose the night we had our official "sit down talk" after I told him I was pregnant and he brought over some wine and proceeded to get drunk should have been a bit of a red flag.  And it totally caught my attention, too, but I ignored it because, aside from that, everything he said/did was "stand up guy" of him. Note to self: Don't ignore red flags next time, no matter how ideal everything else they say/do is. I already dodged one alcoholic bullet before (went on a couple dates and quickly realized the guy had an alcohol problem so I ended it before it went anywhere) and I seriously thought of that guy when ex got drunk that night, but I ignored it because I wanted so much for one of my children to have a father. 

[josybear]

it's scary and embarrassing to have to tell people about this stuff, isn't it? like it reflects on us because we had such bad judgement. good for you, saying it out loud and getting support. good for your dad, not shutting you down. telling your story and finding acceptance is a big part of healing & growth.

[meemee]

smeep have you been to a domestic violence shelter near you? 

i went to the one in our area and just having them acknowledge it was enough for me.

it confirmed what i was suspecting. it confirmed why people at work were asking me to leave - every single one of them. i did when i was ready. 

he was and is terrible to me. he was particularly horrible for the first two years after we split. he has gotten better and in teh last couple of months we've actually having conversations about dd where he isnt calling me names. last year her class teacher had a long talk with him about not calling me names in front of dd as it upsets her a lot. he stopped. that had taken me by surprise because he is not that way.

i had the worst pregnancy ever. emotionally. i mean physically it was easy peasy. but otherwise. terrible. in fact his dad and mom and step mom would keep checking in on me to make sure i had eaten and was doing ok - even when dd was newborn. the ob and nurse learnt to ignore ex and talk directly to me because he couldnt answer if i was eating properly or not as to why i was losing weight when i should be gaining.

but he would never do something like leave me alone at 4 am with nothing. he did everything physically right - emotionally not only had he withdrawn but was abusive too. 

however he is fabulous with his dd. in the beginning he talked about disappearing. and i got on him really, really strongly. no way are you disappearing just coz u dont want to do it. you have to be in her life. it was harder when dd was a toddler. he tried but could never connect. he still doesnt get her but he's always there for her. he loves her. he is a completely different man with her. and i respect that. 

Emy i was a part of a single mama's group for a long time. all those who took time to heal and then found a mate are sooo happy. all those who did take the time but still had issues of their own are making the same mistakes. one of my closest friends is in this boat and all her friends around can tell how wrong the guy is, how he is completely the opposite of what she has always wanted but friend is not ready to listen. 

ex today is like my son. i have learnt to accept him and his words are usually like water off a duck's back. they no longer have teh power to hurt me. i see him as a pouty teenager throwing a tantrum. i know certain things are not possible out of him. however when i changed inside i noticed it had a huge effect on him. his nastiness went down. 

[crystalface]

Originally Posted by smeep 

and his reply was, "I thought so." Obviously he didn't have any idea before things got bad/ended all at once and I didn't ask him when he started to suspect it or what tipped him off, but that says a LOT to me that my dad suspected ex's abuse even though I hardly ever told him anything. I think in a lot of ways I still downplay it. The fact that someone else could see it, without me telling him hardly anything, really tells me a lot about how bad it was.

People always seem to think it has to be physical or that it has to be massively extreme emotional abuse (I can't even get a restraining order unless there's direct physical harm or direct threat of physical harm...you know, forget any other form of abuse as it "doesn't count"). So, of course, that makes me think that what happened to me isn't really abuse. Even though the logical side of me considers what he did to be abuse. The guy left me in an unsafe area at 4am with no phone, food, water, money, shelter, nothing, while pregnant, and didn't care where I was or if I was okay. That's abuse, no? And, sadly, it's just one example of the many, many horrible things he did. 

Has anyone else been in the "it can't be abuse because no one considers it to be serious enough to call abuse" mindset? Even when you know it's abuse, how do you get your brain out of that mode? I still have a hard time saying it because part of me keeps saying, "No one else calls it abuse so you must just be over exaggerating and "playing victim"." Ugh.

But it did help a lot to get it out. I really wanted my dad to understand why I don't plan to go for child support and why I'm so scared of ex being alone with this baby (and, frankly, the thought him being in this baby's life in at all is rather frightening). I asked that he tell my mom (who I have a lot of issues with and therefore have an even harder time going to about things like this) so she can understand, as she's already said once before that I'll "have to" get child support (to which I didn't respond).

Let's just hope I use this one as a learning experience... I definitely don't want to repeat the same mistake again. I suppose the night we had our official "sit down talk" after I told him I was pregnant and he brought over some wine and proceeded to get drunk should have been a bit of a red flag.  And it totally caught my attention, too, but I ignored it because, aside from that, everything he said/did was "stand up guy" of him. Note to self: Don't ignore red flags next time, no matter how ideal everything else they say/do is. I already dodged one alcoholic bullet before (went on a couple dates and quickly realized the guy had an alcohol problem so I ended it before it went anywhere) and I seriously thought of that guy when ex got drunk that night, but I ignored it because I wanted so much for one of my children to have a father. 

I've been there, as you know. I mean we pretty much shared the exact same situation, as it seems. So, I am definitely learning from it, and I hope you do too. Stay strong, because you will persevere, and you will find the right man.

Just keep that past situation in mind, and remember its over, and you don't have to choose those kind of people anymore, and if you do, you don't have to let them manipulate you anymore.

(the perseverance banana)

[smeep]

Originally Posted by josybear 

it's scary and embarrassing to have to tell people about this stuff, isn't it? like it reflects on us because we had such bad judgement. good for you, saying it out loud and getting support. good for your dad, not shutting you down. telling your story and finding acceptance is a big part of healing & growth.

Yes, VERY much so! Thank you. :)

Originally Posted by meemee 

smeep have you been to a domestic violence shelter near you? 

i went to the one in our area and just having them acknowledge it was enough for me.

it confirmed what i was suspecting. it confirmed why people at work were asking me to leave - every single one of them. i did when i was ready. 

he was and is terrible to me. he was particularly horrible for the first two years after we split. he has gotten better and in teh last couple of months we've actually having conversations about dd where he isnt calling me names. last year her class teacher had a long talk with him about not calling me names in front of dd as it upsets her a lot. he stopped. that had taken me by surprise because he is not that way.

i had the worst pregnancy ever. emotionally. i mean physically it was easy peasy. but otherwise. terrible. in fact his dad and mom and step mom would keep checking in on me to make sure i had eaten and was doing ok - even when dd was newborn. the ob and nurse learnt to ignore ex and talk directly to me because he couldnt answer if i was eating properly or not as to why i was losing weight when i should be gaining.

but he would never do something like leave me alone at 4 am with nothing. he did everything physically right - emotionally not only had he withdrawn but was abusive too. 

however he is fabulous with his dd. in the beginning he talked about disappearing. and i got on him really, really strongly. no way are you disappearing just coz u dont want to do it. you have to be in her life. it was harder when dd was a toddler. he tried but could never connect. he still doesnt get her but he's always there for her. he loves her. he is a completely different man with her. and i respect that. 

Emy i was a part of a single mama's group for a long time. all those who took time to heal and then found a mate are sooo happy. all those who did take the time but still had issues of their own are making the same mistakes. one of my closest friends is in this boat and all her friends around can tell how wrong the guy is, how he is completely the opposite of what she has always wanted but friend is not ready to listen. 

ex today is like my son. i have learnt to accept him and his words are usually like water off a duck's back. they no longer have teh power to hurt me. i see him as a pouty teenager throwing a tantrum. i know certain things are not possible out of him. however when i changed inside i noticed it had a huge effect on him. his nastiness went down. 

*hugs* I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. None of us deserve anything like that, ever. :( But I definitely plan to take the time to heal and work on my issues. I know that simply healing won't fix anything. I think that is part of the reason why I ended up with a guy like this. I healed and took care of a LOT of issues from my previous ex (who I was in a serious relationship with and then one day he just walked out)...but I clearly didn't fix all of my issues. Hopefully this is the last "learning experience" I need!

Originally Posted by crystalface 

I've been there, as you know. I mean we pretty much shared the exact same situation, as it seems. So, I am definitely learning from it, and I hope you do too. Stay strong, because you will persevere, and you will find the right man.

Just keep that past situation in mind, and remember its over, and you don't have to choose those kind of people anymore, and if you do, you don't have to let them manipulate you anymore.

(the perseverance banana)

I you!!! And I love the perseverance banana! Hahaha.