Anyone else live in a multigenerational household? - Page 2

[peaceful_mama]

that's SO COOL....I would *love it* if my mom and I could get to the point where we can actually discuss things that she does/doesn't do with the kids *without problems* most of the time...

but we tend to revert back to my teen years....*sigh*  Even when I *try* to be as nice and diplomatic and adult as I possibly can be, she'll start with the "fine, EVERYTHING's MY fault" crap or something like that and well, I either walk away mad that I can't say anything to her without it going to that garbage, or I respond to it somehow and we're all out arguing.

I think our family would hugely benefit from a sit-down discussion of things but it's never happened.

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma 

DD and I moved in with my parents last year when I left my XH and he started making threats. The plan was for me to move close to XH, so that kid exchange could be easier, but then he started becoming insecure and thought making threats would help his cause.

Anyhow, we've lived here, in the house that I lived in from the age of 16 to 25, for over a year now. It's a "single-family home", with 3 floors and 3 bedrooms...located in a really family-friendly neighborhood with a great little park walking distance. This was only supposed to be a temporary measure, but then it suddenly dawned on me that it would be a huge advantage to stay longer, so I could wipe out the debts XH had put in my name and save up money. Also, as DD adjusted to her new surroundings, she became hugely attached to my parents. I feel it would be cruel to yank her away from them now that she identifies them as her family. Finally, I feel that by staying here, I am giving DD a slice of the childhood that I could never afford to offer her on my own.

Overall, I feel that the arrangement has worked very well for all of us, perhaps because we were close to begin with. Though there were some serious bumps between us when I was married to my abusive alkie XH, my parents and I are very close. My father is generally ecstatic about my being here, as he feels it is his duty to help his only child get back on her feet. The whole "multi-generational living" thing is also very near and dear to his traditional Viet values. Most of my extended Asian family lives in similar types of arrangements.... He did however insist that I pay for 1/3 of the food and 1/2 the gas (since my parents use their cars to drive DD to and from daycare), because he fears that I'll just become lax about money. My mother is way more easy going, and she feels that since they are using certain services anyway, there's no need for me to pay. I still do though.

My father is semi-retired, so it's very helpful to have him at home most days. He does laundry, lots of cleaning and occasional grocery shopping and cooking. My mother does most of the cooking and groceries, and works full-time. I work the longest hours so my chores are generally tidying/cleaning, laundry when I can, and contributing yummy deserts and breakfasts here and there. Since DD's tdaycare is close to my mother's work, we both take DD together in her car every morning, and then drive over to her work which is right next to the subway. I travel to my work from there by subway. Usually my mom and dad swap who goes to get DD, usually at 4:30. Since I finish at 5:00 and work downtown, this is a HUGE advantage for DD who spends less time in daycare.

In terms of child-rearing, we've had lengthy discussions about what I want and how I would like them to intervene where DD is concerned. My mother has asked me on numerous occasions if I felt she overstepped her bounds when she disciplines DD, and I really appreciate that. Whenever DD displays a new kind of behaviour, we'll all discuss our approach together, which I think is awesome. However, I feel that now that things are settled into a routine, my parents step back way more and let me handle DD. I know they don't agree with all the things I did parenting wise (extended bfing, cosleeping, etc) but they just agreed to let me do my thing.

In the end, DD gets LOTS of love and attention. Her language skills are doing awesome with the added input of daycare AND three adults at home. I get to have a tiny bit of a personal life since my parents watch DD after I put her down if I ask them. There isn't much privacy though, and I've been blessed to meet a *very* family oriented and tolerant bf.

The long-term plan that's coming next year or so is for my parents to sell this house and to purchase a duplex with me. They'd live on the main floor and DD and I would live upstairs. Ideally, we'd find a place that has an internal stairwell so that DD can easily travel between apartments. This way, we'd all regain some privacy but still be close....because we enjoy being close.

[onlyAngil]

Let me just say, WOW! This is wonderful, I never thought I would find so many others RIGHT away! Let me tell you, you have cheered me up. it is sooo wonderful to know others are going though the same trials and joys!

I have seen multi-generational homes work, IN MY FAMILY, my uncle (mother's brother), lived with his wife, my cousin, and my great-aunt – Баба (Baba) – for many years, until they had to sell the house, and Баба was having issues due to her very old age. Sadly she died shortly thereafter, but then again, people die. It is the way the world works. This is part of why I have so much hope that multi-generational living can work.

I did not mention it in my first post, but things are really hard here right now. On top of having different types of personality temperaments, my mother is bipolar and my son is “spirited”, making our mix sooo much harder. It is getting to the point where I have to “council” my mate (we are unwed by choice, perhaps in time this will change....) on how to try and handle my mother. Instruct my mother on how to handle the kids, down to “Please, stop telling them what /not/ to do, and PLEASE /only/ tell then what they can do.” (DON'T put the worm in your mouth vs we need to be able to SEE the worm at all times, or something else creative). Do not get me wrong, I try to give her space, but she in no way looks out for herself and has bad habits (examples: every sentence has a negative contraction in it, sometimes so many that when I respond to her triple negatives properly she is lost, walking around with things in her mouth, talking back, having to have the last word, looking at the floor or the wall when talking to people, smiling and laughing when talking to her about something serious, extremely low work ethic, etc) which my kids are picking up and, while she doesn't see these habits at all, they make her life much, much harder and I hate to see my mom suffer. The kids walk all over her, and I can hardly blame them... they see her as weak and while she isn't per say she plays it well. As I am rather sure I could right a book, to sum it up, my farther who passed away 3 days I gave birth to my DD – now 2.5yo – was very abusive to both my mother and myself. While I was able to “escape” most of the “wrath” by moving away at 18yo (tried two weeks before and was brought back by cops, who even told me they were sorry when I was leaving the station after they met my father), my mother feels “others have it wrong when it come to understanding people hitting each other,” and that my father always had her in mind so she never divorced him. I feel it is because of this and her mental illness that so much of her life is, well, toxic – EXTREMELY unhealthy diet, hording/pack rat behaviors, and keeping friends who perpetuate her toxicity (and these are just the very low end). Sometimes, more and more now, I wonder how I made it as a kid. She seems to only respond to my mate and then normally only when he gets overly emotional. Um, wait, make that ANY MALE. She claims not to be sexist, but, for example, will ONLY come to me about matters of cooking while my mate does the main cooking and shopping in the house. I am sure that helping create a “safe home” will help everyone in my family, but as long as my mate sees me as the head of “home life” and my mother see him as the “pants in the family” I have no idea what to do.

I LOVE having my mom around, it's my mom :) but it is getting to the point where I am unsure we can make it work over the long run. I can tell at times she tries to help, like today when she vacuumed the playroom and helped watch the kids, but sometimes I wonder if she is more of a hindrance than helpful. She is also very supportive of things that other family members are not: birthing at home, not vaxing, educating at home, working at home, home steading, and much more!


As for how what you guys are currently talking about - I have fallen behind due to life as so am still working though people "introductions," but will be doing more to keep up with your guys as time goes on... so these are just the first few post made, therefor please pardon if something has been coved and I have yet to get to it >.< I will be making more "rounds" as time allows and then, like I said, staying up to date :D You guys all seem great!


rizzosanders :

I am so happy to hear this! I think when things work out, homes like this can be even more enriching than having just mom and dad, if only because of all the stories and life histories which can be shared. You are very blessed, :) I was wondering if you have your own little apartment or do you share a space?

Shaki :

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, how long ago was it if you do not mind me asking, and how is everyone handing it? From your post it seems like things are going well for the most part :) You guys seem like you also have a lot of space which I am sure can make things a little easier over all and it seems more fun. I am sure the privacy thing can be a bit much. I mean you, your dad, and your sister are used to family being there, but for your DH and BIL it is different, someone new (even once they know everyone) and a new lifestyle... do they have a place to hide – a “man cave”? You mention that help with childcare is good, does everyone have more or less the same outlook on parenting as you and yours? And with everyone living near each other but still so apart, do you find support with house cleaning and meals or is everyone on their own? Great title BTW!

texmati :

I for one am happy to have you here, the more people, the more help for ALL! I hope we are able to help healing on its way, and get the crapper at least clean... then it is just a bowl! Perhaps a “super bowl”? LOL. :)

It seems that more room can help, what was your last set up and why are you unsure how long her being moved will last? Also, what went wrong last time and do you have any ideas what you might try this time?

jem1976 :

Wow. Great story, thank you for sharing! :) I am sure being able to be yourself is key in any living arrangement. Why did you end up moving out? And do you still live close or did you move far away? Do you miss it and why do you think you would be unable to live with your MIL? Also, do you think you would do it again?
 

cappuccinosmom :

I am glad things are working out for the most part :)

Pulling one's share is one of our problems, glad to know you guys got past this. How does your household organize it all? Noise can be a BIG problem, even more so when you are unused to it (this problem thankfully we do not have)! Is this her first baby (if so does she know they get loader? LOL) and is the baby's sleeping problems due to the noise or something else? Have you thought about maybe “sound proofing” her room (my friends family did this for her older brother with tons of old egg cartons and new drywall when he got drums)?

Your dad sounds like a great role model and your boys will always remember this, they are very lucky!

mamadelbosque :

Well, at least you got something worked out :) I would love to hear more!

waiting2bemommy :

I am very sorry you having such a hard time (( hug )) I understand having someone who feeds off of drama and being the martyr around, but you ARE doing good things! and it is perhaps for the best that you have no time to indulge her and are planing to move out. I have to admit perpetual dish-users and laundry-unfolders would drive me batty, but only because I hate A) doing dishes and b) folding laundry, lol. I would love to know what types of things she wants to call CPS on you for, but the fact of the matter is, if my mother ever told that to me... well we would no longer be living as we are. Again ((hugs)).

lifeguard :

What are you nervous about?

peaceful_mama :

Wow mama, you have your hands full! I wish I had it as together as you seem to :) I mean at least you have a place for your mittens, lol. … though what you said to your mom about DD might have been a little harsh... I had to say something similar to my mom about my DD though, sigh. My mom just made me cry, they both got over it and now enjoy each other :D

Having someone to do any of the driving can be supper helpful... now if only we had a car! Lol. As well as with the cleaning. You say you would like her to see something and do it, and that you are the only one that cleans the bathroom, but that she helps with some of the chores. What I am missing is what does she do, laundry? I was also wondering if she feels that either because she is older, or because she is in /your/ house that this might be the “problem”. This is something we are working through, my mother seeing her house and my house as ONE house, that we split life, and are ONE family. I think this kinda caught her off guard at first. We are about to start using Chore Busters to make a chore list in hope that I can stop my nagging as I know it is unhelpful. Do you do something like this, and if no do you think it might help? As for talking to her, there has to be a way... just because it is /about her/ does not make it “EVERYTHING is blamed on her.” Wish I could help here... but all I can say is keep trying as giving up helps no one. (( hug)) Also if my mate refused to listen to me I would be very upset, I mean I can understand him not wanting to confront her, but not talking to me about problems I am having is a BIG relationship nono in my book... again (( hugs)).

I wish I could help with the TV problem, but we have none here, other than the one in my moms room and she is the only one who watches it other than the odd sporting event, like The World Cup. Perhaps if you can figure out why she likes sitting out in the living room rather than her bed room, you might be able to figure out a way to “fix” this for everyone's comfort. We took our living room and made it a playroom, Waldorf Style, EVERYONE loves it! There is a huge fold out table to play games on, but it goes away very easily, so I even have all our more adult board games down there. I feel so lucky, I never had a playroom when I grew up, only my bedroom, but like you was an only child. Though this might be a little hard for you... do you at least have a nice safe yard for the kids the play in and can you get away from the noise?

[cappuccinosmom]

Pulling one's share is one of our problems, glad to know you guys got past this. How does your household organize it all?

We were raised to do so since childhood, so it's not such a big deal.  But there are times when one or the other slacks off, or one person starts feeling like their share of the load is inordinate.  We talk about it.  Like if I've been doing endless dishes all day on top of everything else, and made supper, when we sit down I will say "I would be grateful not to do the dishes tonight--who's volunteering?".  If there's tension between siblings about something, dad is an expert mediator.  If our parents have an issue with something, we make changes needed because frankly they are doing us a *huge* favor by letting us live with them, and they deserve respect.

Noise can be a BIG problem, even more so when you are unused to it (this problem thankfully we do not have)! Is this her first baby (if so does she know they get loader? LOL) and is the baby's sleeping problems due to the noise or something else? Have you thought about maybe “sound proofing” her room (my friends family did this for her older brother with tons of old egg cartons and new drywall when he got drums)?

lol, I think she doesn't believe he could possibly be as noisy as my boys.  But some of it is not really the noise, but her sensitivity.  The rest of us tune it out, she has trouble doing so.  And her baby's issues are not with noise.  My youngest slept very well in spite of the noise his older brothers made.  My nephew is tetchy with sleep and has been from the beginning.  Everybody's trying to help with that, and I guess our part is doing what we can to keep the volume level down, if only to make my sister feel better, even if it doesn't help her baby.

[mamabutterfly]

We live with my MIL, and there are a few things that make it work well in our case:

-When we bought this house, we were leaving a rental and MIL, who we were very close with, was diagnosed with cancer and we didn't know her prognosis. We got a house with a first floor apt and she she moved in there. We live on the 2/3 floors. I agree with previous posters that having totally separate units (entrances, *kitchens*, bathrooms) makes all the difference for us. I would hate for her to have to share a kitchen with me, lol. Already we are in her space too much and she almost never comes upstairs.

-Fortunately her health improved and she is now working full time- this means she has her own active life, she goes to bed earlier than us, and we can go a couple of days without seeing her. I actually have to seek her out to have dinner with us or something.

-Her personality happens to be awesome and she is fanatical about staying out of our business. Even when I ask for advice she's hesitant to give it. She also tries to ask me about everything when it comes to my kids (like, "Ask your mom if it's okay for you to eat X")

However, there are a few differences we do have, of course, and living together makes it trickier for me to just say, Oh, Gramma can spoil them, it's Gramma, because it's not like a twice a year visit. I've had times when my DD1 has expressed *strong* preferences to be in Gramma's doesn't want to come up with me, sees me as the mean one who enforces everything (chores, homework, whatever). Still, I'm glad they have a wonderful relationship with her, i know she won't be around forever. She still has multiple health issues.

The other issue is for DH, mostly, trying to navigate how & how much we help her. Our home constantly need work, we have 2 jobs and 2 kids and it's sometimes hard to try to prioritize things she needs done. DH always feels guilty when he's not helping her enough, but we have so much to juggle. So I do feel that "squeeze" somewhat.

DH does have two sibling who do not have children... and are rarely if ever here helping. I feel like if MIL lived alone they would, but it's like she lives in our house so it's all up to us.

Lately I really want to move for various reasons, but can't see how we can make that work with MIL - I sometimes wish we could look for a 'normal' house and not a duplex, but I don't feel like we can forget about her. Also when we talk about it, she really wants a farm in the country, and I want to stay near the city, so it's complicated.

It's interesting to hear about others' experiments. I think it's wonderful in many ways when it can work!

[Xavismom]

Us! Our household consists of myself, DH, DS, and my mom.

75% of the time its pretty great, 25% of the time it can be almost unbearable. Getting more so as DS gets older (13 mo now).

I'll elaborate more later, DS is tearing around like a tornado =)

[seraf]

My mom and I bought a duplex a couple of years ago.  One half was livable, so we all lived in that half while the other half got finished.  My younger sister graduated and moved out and my mom's younger sister moved in with her.  It works well for me, I wish I saw more of my mom.  She is a busy woman.  Before we lived together the kids saw so little of her that they were shy, now they'll go with her if she is going someplace fun, or they'll stay with her if something comes up. 

[Shaki]

Shaki :

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, how long ago was it if you do not mind me asking, and how is everyone handing it? From your post it seems like things are going well for the most part :) You guys seem like you also have a lot of space which I am sure can make things a little easier over all and it seems more fun. I am sure the privacy thing can be a bit much. I mean you, your dad, and your sister are used to family being there, but for your DH and BIL it is different, someone new (even once they know everyone) and a new lifestyle... do they have a place to hide – a “man cave”? You mention that help with childcare is good, does everyone have more or less the same outlook on parenting as you and yours? And with everyone living near each other but still so apart, do you find support with house cleaning and meals or is everyone on their own? Great title BTW!

Lets see if I can answer all of this :).

My Grandmother passed almost 2 years ago. She had lived a long and fruitful life and died at home surrounded by her loved ones so although it was devastating (as is the loss of any loved one) it was a death that we can all be at peace with.

To clarify my dad does not live with us. He and my Mom have been divorced for over 20 years, my mom is single. So one of the things that is a benefit for her but can be hard for us is that she's got 2 son in laws plus me and my sister to do any things she needs done around the house, and she has a tendency to ask for help around the house in an alarmist way (the lightbulb must be changed now or the world will end and you don't love her), so that can be really difficult to deal with.

The guys don't have a communal man cave, they both get space in the their own ways.

My sister and I have very similar approaches to child rearing and Mom generally follows our lead. However we do approach some things a little differently but the differences are pretty minor.

We do not share house work or meals (except on special occasions) we do share yard work and up keep of common areas.

Gotta run.

I'm finding this thread really helpful. I appreciate hearing about everyone elses experiences.

[rush2ady]

Wow, I love hearing everyone's experiences!  Reading through the posts, it seems like the situations where it works out happily is when everyone is mentally stable and contributes their share of the household workload. 

My MIL currently lives with me and DH, and it's been testing my patience!  The things that my MIL does in an attempt to clean, are done so pathetically that I have taken over those chores...like doing dishes, she will leave food gunk and soap all over them and put them in the drainer to dry.  If she sweeps, she flings the broom around in such a way that dust and dirt go flying everywhere.  Two days ago, she left such a disgusting mess (don't ask--trust me) in the bathroom that I feel nauseous when I think of it. 

I was living away from home during the summer for studies, and she moved in during that time with my DH.  When I returned home after a couple months, there were cockroaches and other ickies crawling around our place, the kitchen rag and towels had not been washed the whole time and stank like anything, and my DH was doing her laundry and other chores while working his longer-than-full-time job.  While she sat and watched soap operas all day.  Now that I'm back, I make her do her own laundry at least.  And no more cockroaches!

Aside from the total differences in personalities, my biggest gripe I have since she's come here, is not only does she NOT contribute in any helpful way, like doing chores, or even sharing a pleasant conversation, but she actually created more work for me with her sloppiness.  She has a serious sense of entitlement that as the elder of the family, she should not do anything but be entertained and waited on.  I know she has a lot of anger towards me because I won't answer to her beck and call.

The only plus has been my DH feels he is contributing to her care (important to his Indian way of thinking), and he genuinely loves her.  Because of his love, he more easily overlooks her faults than I do.  Having that level of love, care, and comfort is huge in living with and getting along with others.  Apparently I lack this essential element.