Having an identity crisis, I think???

[waiting2bemommy]

I feel like I'm having an identity crisis or soemthing. I started feeling this way when I got hit with full blown horrible PPD after the birth of my dd. One child I was ok with. I love chidlren,I've always wanted half a dozen or so (really) so that I could be surrounded by chidlren and warmth and laughter and fun. I want a big family. But the PPD compunded ith the stress of our major financial problems (some months, like this one, our expenses way exceed our income and that is bare bones like food shelter and gas for the car) seems to have triggered a revelation for me that I really don't know who I am.

I am more secure now than I was as a teenager for sure. But for the first time in my life since I have been with my dd's father (almost 2 yrs) i feel safe enough that I can start to process some of my emtional hangups.

Groing up I always felt very restricted and limited. There were many things I wanted to do taht I wasn't allowed to do or only allowed rarely or with tons of restriction, justnormal teen things like going to the movies, talking on the phone, watching tv etc. I never felt that I fit in. I moved out when I as 18 and I found that I was happiest at work (teaching preschool) or hanging with my friend who had 3 kids. I couldn't relate to my peers and I still have social anxiety.

Then I got amrried, had ds, and had to become a single parent overnight due to the ex's abusive behavior. I had no choice but tog row up instantly. I ot really responsible, got a good job with benefits and threw myself into supermom mode. But....ever since I got with dd's dad and had her, I feel like suddenly it's not enough.

The idea of leaving my ds at this age would havee horrified me.Yet  I would be fine (other than the leaking boobs, lol) to go away for a weekend without dd. I would of course miss her but I would be cool with that. I feel so guilty. Since I've been on medication I finally feel that same love for dd that I did with ds, but I'm not as...attached, I guess, not jsut to dd, but to the whole idea of motherhood. Yet, i still want mroe babies. How can that be?

A friend of mine decided to get a tattoo. She wanted me to get get one done with her and offered to pay for mine. My SO balked although he ddidn't say I "couldn't" but he just said, "that's npot really you." And deep down I think he's probably right.

But all of a sudden I just want to be wild. I want to be a teenager. I want to go clubbing until 4 AM and get compeltely drunk. I want a tattoo. I want to do any number of irresonsible, selfish, un-motherly things. And I don't want to worry about ym kids. I find myself resenting ds when he asks me to paly with him. I want to do it but I just can't engage. I would rather be doing something for myself. I want to go out wearing "trashy" clothes (which are not really trashy, but would have been considered so by my mother, so I stuck to jeans because no 15 year old wants to wear homemade ankle length skirts to the movies). I still am wearing teh same sweatshirt & jeans that I had in 9th grade, and I'm 23.

I'm about to cry just writing this because it is so utterly selfish and appalling. I just am suddenyl feeling like I missed out on adolescence and I want it back. I want to raise my kids and stuff, but I jsut want some time off now that I'm free (from ym parent's crazy restrictiveness) to be a teenager. I honestly sometimes feel like dumping the kids on daddy and doing something, I don't know what, but anything besides mommy hood.

But I love being a mother. I love aving chidlren. I love the snuggles and the kisses and knowing that I can make their world wonderful and make them happy. i lvoe being so close to my dd and nursing her and knowing I can fix ouches. I'm confused....What is wrong with me????

[chaoticzenmom]

without dismissing your feelings...I think we all go through that at some point.  When you have that first child, you've got a buddy, a play partner, a cool accessory.  It's not really hard assuming you have an easygoing first child).  Having that 2nd child is more work and the difference between one and two can be shocking.  It's not as much fun all of the time.  There are other moments where it's amazing, like when they play with each other, but it's a lot more work and more restricting.  I have 4 and sometimes I would like to go out and do really selfish stuff (spend all our money on clothes or dinners out with friends)  The thing is that I don't obsess about those feelings.  I don't feel guilty for having them.  They are what they are.  I'm not acting selfishly, just having selfish wants sometimes.  What kind of person would I be if I never had selfish wants?  If every one of my desires had to do with my kids? 

Just going by what you said, I don't think anything is wrong with you.  It sometimes takes longer to bond with the 2nd, 3rd, 4th child. It also sometimes seems overwhelming to have so much responsiblity.  Daydream about what you'd do with all the money and time in the world..enjoy it for a moment and then let it go.  I'm glad your meds seem to be helping. 

Edited by chaoticzenmom - 1/2/11 at 9:07am

[chaoticzenmom]

I was thinking more about your post.  Especially since you've mentioned some severe depression issues before.  Do you feel that you're actually going to do these "selfish" things, or are you just feeling stressed out and feeling guilty for having those thoughts?  Have you told your counselor?  Normally, I'd say it's no big deal, but since you are dealing with some stressful things and have been for the last 2 years at least, you may want to talk with your counselor about these feelings.

[Spring Lily]

I remember other posts of your dealing with your mother, and remember how extremely toxic she is. Plus, your ex was abusive--and domestic violence usually is about control. So the confusion you feel is perfectly understandable. When we're controlled and not given the freedom to make our own choices and become our own person, we end up not knowing who we are. I highly recommend going to therapy, it could really change your life, especially if you're finally at a point where you are feeling safe enough to start to look at the hard-to-face things in your life.

While I'm posting, I just want to mention something that ran through my head as I read your post. You can ignore it if you want, it may be way off base. But you say you want lots of children but are having trouble with attachment to the ones you have at times. Could that all be related to your relationship with your mom? As in, if you never had a model of mother who was lovingly attached (not in a healthy way at least), maybe that's getting in the way of your ability to mother. Perhaps you're chasing a dream, like if you surround yourself with a big enough family who loves you, it will fill that hole inside of you that never got the love it needed from your mom as a child. If that is even close to the case, I really suggest learning to know and love yourself before you have more children, because I think that would really give you freedom.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by Spring Lily 

I remember other posts of your dealing with your mother, and remember how extremely toxic she is. Plus, your ex was abusive--and domestic violence usually is about control. So the confusion you feel is perfectly understandable. When we're controlled and not given the freedom to make our own choices and become our own person, we end up not knowing who we are. I highly recommend going to therapy, it could really change your life, especially if you're finally at a point where you are feeling safe enough to start to look at the hard-to-face things in your life.

While I'm posting, I just want to mention something that ran through my head as I read your post. You can ignore it if you want, it may be way off base. But you say you want lots of children but are having trouble with attachment to the ones you have at times. Could that all be related to your relationship with your mom? As in, if you never had a model of mother who was lovingly attached (not in a healthy way at least), maybe that's getting in the way of your ability to mother. Perhaps you're chasing a dream, like if you surround yourself with a big enough family who loves you, it will fill that hole inside of you that never got the love it needed from your mom as a child. If that is even close to the case, I really suggest learning to know and love yourself before you have more children, because I think that would really give you freedom.

Yes, I'm in therapy, but I haven't been for a few weeks because of the holidays and schedule problems. The reason I posted here I guess is because my therapist (although she is great and I like her a lot) does not have children and really doesn't "get" motherhood. So she is a good counselor, but she just can't relate to me on that topic and so it's kind of hard to discuss with her.

Edited by waiting2bemommy - 12/26/10 at 8:16pm

[JTA Mom]

I have ppd this time around as well. I think that the tricky thing with depression is that nothing quite feels right. And dealing with feeling low and anxious is painful. And HARD. And your mind/body, obviously, doesn't want to feel this way. So it picks something completely opposite to focus on. I mean, what is more 'freeing' than being a teenager with no rules/responsibilities? I find myself longing for my pre-kids days, wondering why I hadn't had a few grown up child-free years to explore myself.

BUT....I recognize that a large part of it is the depression. Depression robs one of so much. I mean, one of the hallmarks of depression is not finding joy in activities one used to love. So, I think a part of this 'fantasy' of wanting to be free is due to the depression.

However, there is a part of it that is a sign that maybe one has lost too much of oneself in motherhood, in 'growing up'. Right now, I feel like you. I've always wanted a large family, yet due to my birth experiences I'm not sure if I should have any more. Also, I'm finding that I need more than just motherhood to fulfill me. But I did not know this pre-kids. I also did not *really* know what it meant to be a mother in the sense of time for myself. It's easy to get in the rut of taking care of everyone else except for myself. To blow off taking a walk by myself in the evenings. To 'pamper' myself. Because, well, I just need to do one more thing. Which turns into needing to do something else, and so on. And it's easy for months and even years to pass without really figuring out who one is, what one finds fulfilling, etc.

I don't have much advice for working through this, since I'm trying to do it right now, myself. And I totally get what you are saying about your counselor. Honestly, I don't think someone who doesn't have kids really knows what it's like to have kids and the feelings that go along with it all.

(((hugs)))

Ami

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by JTA Mom 

I have ppd this time around as well. I think that the tricky thing with depression is that nothing quite feels right. And dealing with feeling low and anxious is painful. And HARD. And your mind/body, obviously, doesn't want to feel this way. So it picks something completely opposite to focus on. I mean, what is more 'freeing' than being a teenager with no rules/responsibilities? I find myself longing for my pre-kids days, wondering why I hadn't had a few grown up child-free years to explore myself.

BUT....I recognize that a large part of it is the depression. Depression robs one of so much. I mean, one of the hallmarks of depression is not finding joy in activities one used to love. So, I think a part of this 'fantasy' of wanting to be free is due to the depression.

However, there is a part of it that is a sign that maybe one has lost too much of oneself in motherhood, in 'growing up'. Right now, I feel like you. I've always wanted a large family, yet due to my birth experiences I'm not sure if I should have any more. Also, I'm finding that I need more than just motherhood to fulfill me. But I did not know this pre-kids. I also did not *really* know what it meant to be a mother in the sense of time for myself. It's easy to get in the rut of taking care of everyone else except for myself. To blow off taking a walk by myself in the evenings. To 'pamper' myself. Because, well, I just need to do one more thing. Which turns into needing to do something else, and so on. And it's easy for months and even years to pass without really figuring out who one is, what one finds fulfilling, etc.

I don't have much advice for working through this, since I'm trying to do it right now, myself. And I totally get what you are saying about your counselor. Honestly, I don't think someone who doesn't have kids really knows what it's like to have kids and the feelings that go along with it all.

(((hugs)))

Ami

Wow you sound a lot like me. Especially the doingone mroe thing. Which if I look at logically, I ought to just stop and actually do something for myself because then what happens is I go and go until I just crash and burn and then I am totally useless and can't get motivated to get a glass of water let alone do household chores, and it all falls on my DP and there is no obvious reason why I cant do it which naturally causes resentment.

Sigh.

 Now I am dealing with my mom making false allegations against myself and my DP and in the process of her trying to get us involved with CPS/socai Services. Whihc only makes clearer to me how toxic she is and how I should have cut things off long ago but for some reason I just can't let go. And right now things are so precarious and could go either way---on of those ways landing me and my family in a world of hurt and trouble. It makes me just want to go to bed until it's all over. but I have to keep my head on sttraight because of the kids.