I feel like I'm having an identity crisis or soemthing. I started feeling this way when I got hit with full blown horrible PPD after the birth of my dd. One child I was ok with. I love chidlren,I've always wanted half a dozen or so (really) so that I could be surrounded by chidlren and warmth and laughter and fun. I want a big family. But the PPD compunded ith the stress of our major financial problems (some months, like this one, our expenses way exceed our income and that is bare bones like food shelter and gas for the car) seems to have triggered a revelation for me that I really don't know who I am.
I am more secure now than I was as a teenager for sure. But for the first time in my life since I have been with my dd's father (almost 2 yrs) i feel safe enough that I can start to process some of my emtional hangups.
Groing up I always felt very restricted and limited. There were many things I wanted to do taht I wasn't allowed to do or only allowed rarely or with tons of restriction, justnormal teen things like going to the movies, talking on the phone, watching tv etc. I never felt that I fit in. I moved out when I as 18 and I found that I was happiest at work (teaching preschool) or hanging with my friend who had 3 kids. I couldn't relate to my peers and I still have social anxiety.
Then I got amrried, had ds, and had to become a single parent overnight due to the ex's abusive behavior. I had no choice but tog row up instantly. I ot really responsible, got a good job with benefits and threw myself into supermom mode. But....ever since I got with dd's dad and had her, I feel like suddenly it's not enough.
The idea of leaving my ds at this age would havee horrified me.Yet I would be fine (other than the leaking boobs, lol) to go away for a weekend without dd. I would of course miss her but I would be cool with that. I feel so guilty. Since I've been on medication I finally feel that same love for dd that I did with ds, but I'm not as...attached, I guess, not jsut to dd, but to the whole idea of motherhood. Yet, i still want mroe babies. How can that be?
A friend of mine decided to get a tattoo. She wanted me to get get one done with her and offered to pay for mine. My SO balked although he ddidn't say I "couldn't" but he just said, "that's npot really you." And deep down I think he's probably right.
But all of a sudden I just want to be wild. I want to be a teenager. I want to go clubbing until 4 AM and get compeltely drunk. I want a tattoo. I want to do any number of irresonsible, selfish, un-motherly things. And I don't want to worry about ym kids. I find myself resenting ds when he asks me to paly with him. I want to do it but I just can't engage. I would rather be doing something for myself. I want to go out wearing "trashy" clothes (which are not really trashy, but would have been considered so by my mother, so I stuck to jeans because no 15 year old wants to wear homemade ankle length skirts to the movies). I still am wearing teh same sweatshirt & jeans that I had in 9th grade, and I'm 23.
I'm about to cry just writing this because it is so utterly selfish and appalling. I just am suddenyl feeling like I missed out on adolescence and I want it back. I want to raise my kids and stuff, but I jsut want some time off now that I'm free (from ym parent's crazy restrictiveness) to be a teenager. I honestly sometimes feel like dumping the kids on daddy and doing something, I don't know what, but anything besides mommy hood.
But I love being a mother. I love aving chidlren. I love the snuggles and the kisses and knowing that I can make their world wonderful and make them happy. i lvoe being so close to my dd and nursing her and knowing I can fix ouches. I'm confused....What is wrong with me????