So, my DD will be one next week. Last year at this time, I was so in love with her father and we were celebrating Christmas with his other children, and my older child, and all happily looking forward to our baby's arrival. We had a great Christmas even though he did, as usual, have an argument with his ex. Fast Forward to a traumatic birth with a 10 day NICU stay and then me having several medical and mental health issues after she was born. Then, as I finally started to feel better, I found out that he was having an affair with our live-in nanny (au pair). My world fell apart. Then my beloved dog of 10 years died unexpectedly a few days after I found out about the affair. Then, just five or so weeks later, my daughter's father decided he wasn't happy and needed to be closer (in proximity) to his other kids and left me to go live (at first, he claimed platonically) with his ex wife. Yes, the woman who cut up his clothes and threw his property out in the yard.
He then threatened to fight me for custody of my daughter. He's backed down for all that now because he's way too broke to do anything. He claims he's still in love with me and that he "made a mistake" but can't leave the ex/current whatever because it would "devestate" his 4 year old. So, I'm just really beside myself. I look at my beautiful daughter and I cry every day thinking that I've destroyed her life and I sometimes get so angry that he took away the first year of her life really for me. I've been to counseling, tried Zoloft (but had horrible side effects). I truly believe that he was my soul mate and I don't know how I've ever going to move forward. He has no legal rights to her (not on the birth certificate) but we've worked out an arrangement where he sees her about 4 hours every week and a half. He seems satisfied with this, and I don't want or need child support. I just want her and alternate between wanting to never see him again because it hurts so much and desperately wishing he would reconsider his stupid decisions.
I feel like I'm rambling, and I know everyone says "time heals" but it's been 6 1/2 months since he left and I still cry every day. I would do anything to get him back and I truly don't understand why he left me. Our daughter was planned and wanted and he started cheating on me when she was just 6 weeks old. I will never get that. I don't know what to do about the future. Sometimes I just want to take her and her old brother and disappear. I don't want to have to deal with him forever because it just hurts too darn much. I have dated a bit, and have reconsidered getting back together with my son's father because he's my best friend. But my love for DD's father stands in the way of everything. It's ridiculous. He said the other day that we could get back together when his 4 year old is in high school. I actually though, "That's only 13 years" and it made me happy. WTF?
Thanks for listening. Any advice appreciated. I just want Christmas and her first birthday to be over.