Posting helpful reminders....

[Petie1104]

I want to print off and post some helpful reminders about parenting around the house.  I think it will help with dh and myself to remember what we believe about parenting.  Any suggestions.  I figure I will print out the list that is in UP, but other than that I want some more suggestions about what to post on our wall.

[LessTraveledBy]

Some sort of a family motto might help. In our family it is "We are a joyful family!" To choose what matters to you helps to change one's behavior: I want to be e.g. joyful. How would a joyful person act in this situation? What can I do to turn the moment into joy, instead of xyz. (Joyful for us in no way means there are not tears, etc. It mainly means we are willing and wanting to be goofy, to find joy at the child's level, etc.) So, anyway, I think a family motto can include the very thing with which one struggles.

I am assuming you are the person whose husband had spanked without you knowing.... I think for dh's, especially, whose may not be as nurturing by nature (to generalize), some reminder to put himself in the shoes of the child might help. Something like "What is my child feeling?" or "What is causing my child's behavior?" (tiredness, sickness, not feeling noticed or loved, being overly excited.) I

t seems to be that, again, to generalize, men often see only the behavior and want instant change. They may not see that the child is probably doing his or her best in that particular situation. (E.g. our dd gets really whiny and hard to deal with whenever she is coming down with something. If we responded with punishment rather than comfort, things would get just awful. In those situation she is simply not capable of better behavior, no matter how much we want that. It shocks me to think that in many families she would be hit when she is already feeling her worst and the behavior might never be connected to the illness, which is usually not noticable until a day or two later.)

I think that, while reminders can help somewhat, every parent needs to work through their own childhood. If you are who I think you are, your dh has missed this opportunity, being away do much. Meanwhile, you have probably done much of the mental work he is only beginning to do now.

Good luck! So many husbands are not willing to look for other ways. How wonderful when one wants to change, to find better tools, etc.

[Petie1104]

Yes, I am who you think I am.  That is actually why I am wanting to do this.  Just little reminders here and there to help both of us out.