or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Help a 17yr old high school guy is interested in my 13 year old?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Help a 17yr old high school guy is interested in my 13 year old?

post #1 of 92
Thread Starter 

Here's the backstory. My daughter is 13 and she joined a recrerational swin team over the summer, and fell in love with the sport. She met the 17yr old high school guy through swimming. He helps out with their team, which was great. Now, they text message all the time and always chat on her phone. She definitely has a crush on him. I was hoping that he thought of her as a lil sister, but I got hold of her cellphone, and read some of the text messages that he sent her, and they read much like a guy that is courting a girl. I want to put a stop to this now! I confronted my daughter about the text messages, so now she erases all the information on her phone, and takes it everywhere she goes. I'm worried that she's secretly seeing him when we drop her off to see friends. I also confronted the guy and told him that my daughter has a cruch on you, and I hope that your smart enough to know that she's off limit. He claims that they are just friends, but I don't believe him or her.

 

 

I can't take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she's involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she's 30 isn't the answer.

 

 

What is a mom to do?

 

Advice please?

post #2 of 92

You confronted her, but did you actually talk to her? Explain your concerns? Explain that 17 year olds tend to have different expectations for a relationship than 13 year olds? 

post #3 of 92

You could cut off the texting feature on her phone. I cannot imagine anything good coming out of 13 year olds having that function.

 

As far as how to specifically talk about it with her, that will depend a lot on your relationship and personalities but I second the fact that she needs to be aware of different expectations. If you suspect she is still communicating with this boy, you should contact his parents and start keeping a closer eye on her. You can get a phone with GPS to know where she is, you could make a point of confirming with other kids' parents if she says she is going to visit them.

 

A big thing to look out for is what she is doing on her school lunch break. At one school I went at, kids were getting pregnant and doing drugs during lunch and their parents could never believe it since most of them had very strict supervision the rest of the time.

post #4 of 92


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2teengrls View Post


I can't take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she's involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she's 30 isn't the answer.

 

I question this logic. A generation ago many of us were in extracurricular activities and none of us had cell phones and we were fine. If she didn't have a cell phone at an activity now she'd be surrounded by people who have them so what will happen if she doesn't have one? Further, if you want her to have a cell phone for emergencies that doesn't require a cell phone that has many minutes, the ability to text, etc. Also, having the phone only at activities but requiring her to turn it over to you at home is also an option.

 

I'm not saying the answer is to get rid of her phone, however I see many potential ways to limit the phone if that's what you want to do.

post #5 of 92

Have you spoken to the adults in charge of the team?  That's kind of the first thing I would do.  They need to be VERY clear with the teens "on staff" that certain kinds of relationships are not appropriate.  If a teen employee is crossing lines with a kid on the team, they need to know.  Call them.

 

From there - your situation is pretty awful right now.  You freaked out at your daughter, who has gone secretive.  Both of those are understandable reactions.  Is there another adult you can call in?  An aunt or a grandmother or a godmother?  Someone your daughter has a close relationship with, who can say something like, I know you think your mom was overreacting, but she's worried about you.  And then maybe that person could launch into the speech about how seventeen year-olds and thirteen year-olds have different expectations of relationships, and are at different stages of their lives, and no one who loves her wants her to be hurt, or to be rushed into adult things before she's ready. 

post #6 of 92

I would bring in a third party that she trusts (and who is on your side). She doesn't trust you right now so anything you say will go right past her...and possibly just make her MORE mad at you. Been there (the daughter!) and done that. I really wish that someone had sat me down and talked to me honestly (and treated me like the adult I THOUGHT I was for that conversation). I probably wouldn't have made as many mistakes.

 

Oh, and if you're having a problem with her cellphone they have some that you can buy that only make/receive calls with certain numbers. Like, you can program it so that she can only call you...Of course, if she REALLY wants to talk to this guy and has friends with cellphones there isn't anything to stop her from using theirs...(just thinking like I did back then)

post #7 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post

Have you spoken to the adults in charge of the team?  That's kind of the first thing I would do.  They need to be VERY clear with the teens "on staff" that certain kinds of relationships are not appropriate.  If a teen employee is crossing lines with a kid on the team, they need to know.  Call them.

 

 


yep. call the head coach and tell him the whole story. The 17 teen year old needs a serious lecture, and his mommy needs to be called. You aren't the person to give the lecture or call his mommy, but the head coach is.

post #8 of 92
Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2teengrls View Post

I can't take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she's involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she's 30 isn't the answer.

 

 

What is a mom to do?

 

Advice please?


Actually, you CAN take away her cell. During the activities, I'm betting it can't be on/in use anyway. So the only time she may need it is to check rides. Don't give her cause to need to do so. Arrange the rides, and you're good.

post #9 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post



Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2teengrls View Post

I can't take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she's involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she's 30 isn't the answer.

 

 

What is a mom to do?

 

Advice please?


Actually, you CAN take away her cell. During the activities, I'm betting it can't be on/in use anyway. So the only time she may need it is to check rides. Don't give her cause to need to do so. Arrange the rides, and you're good.


I agree with this.  A 13 year old... no matter HOW active, doesn't need a cell phone.  They can use someone else's.  Take the phone away.  A 13 year old doesn't need a cell phone with texting capabilities.  Heck, I'm in my 40's and *I* don't need texting capabilities.

post #10 of 92

I agree about taking away the cell phone. Both my 12 and 14 year old have cell phones with texting, but I would take them in a heart beat if I had ANY questions about what they were doing with it.

 

She should ALWAYS be where their is an adult in charge, and adults always have phones. She doesn't need her own. She just needs to know your number.

 

You also need to be concerned about her sending/receiving photos. 

 

post #11 of 92

The cel phone isn't the problem here it is the relationship between these 2 people.  Taking the cel phone away probably isn't going to stop it.

 

The coaches need to be told.  When you're dropping her off with friends double check who she is meeting & if you find out she is meeting him than the drop off with friends stops.

post #12 of 92

I have a dd turning 15 in a few weeks. 

 

I do agree about not taking away the cell phone.  I got my dd one at the age of 13, after she returned from a school function half an hour early and had no access to a phone to call me to let me know, so she was stuck waiting for a half an hour, outside.  So many schools don't have pay phones anymore and you can't always count on the teacher/coach to stay or be available to borrow their phone. 

 

However, what you can do is remove texting and/or all data from the phone.  Our phones still text, but we have to pay for it and DD pays for her own texts.  But the internet and all other data messaging like pictures and such is totally blocked, none of our phones will do any of that.  I totally recommend doing something like that with her phone.  . 

 

Now that you have confronted her and talked to him directly, you probably have some damage control to do.  I probably would have totally flipped out also, but from the outside looking in it's easier to tell you that that is the fastest way to drive a teen away. 

 

 

Quote:
 An aunt or a grandmother or a godmother?  Someone your daughter has a close relationship with, who can say something like, I know you think your mom was overreacting, but she's worried about you.  And then maybe that person could launch into the speech about how seventeen year-olds and thirteen year-olds have different expectations of relationships, and are at different stages of their lives, and no one who loves her wants her to be hurt, or to be rushed into adult things before she's ready. 

 This is a great idea.  My sister is only 10 years older than my teen so she's often my go to.  Often, a teen will tell something to someone not mom that they would NEVER tell mom.  So in general, enlisting another trusted adult to foster that close relationship is good.

 

As far as keeping them seperated, I agree with calling the head coach.  He needs to be aware of the situation and I am sure he can take care of it. 

 

 

You could also always just change your dd's cell phone number too...

post #13 of 92

You can stop the text messages on the phone and still give her access to the phone when she needs to contact you. People need to remember growing up we had pay phones, which are far and few between now days. You should put controls on that phone and make sure you monitor calls. I can get a print out of all calls if I want. See if your provider offers this service.

 

At 13 your dd thinks she is grown and most likely not as innocent as you want to believe on those mature text messages. You need to have very blunt conversations with her.

 

I do believe it is your responsibility to talk to the boy's parents. The swim team responsiblity it to make sure to get alone.  

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28679588/ns/technology_and_science-tech_and_gadgets/ -- both of these kids need to know this is reality. Sextexting/mature conversations can get them both in trouble.

 

Also, freaking out might not be your best option. This can cause the kids to get sneakier....sometimes you need to keep your "enemies" closer. I would not like the age gap but at the same time fighting and forbidding might be counter productive. Lots and LOTS of close adult supervision. Hopefully they will loose interest or find other interest.  You set up the rules and stick to them.  

post #14 of 92
Quote:

Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

I got my dd one at the age of 13, after she returned from a school function half an hour early and had no access to a phone to call me to let me know, so she was stuck waiting for a half an hour, outside. 



This is an honest question.  What is wrong with a 13 year old waiting outside (even if it's cold) for 30 minutes?  I honestly don't see anything wrong with this at all.  Kids need to learn that sometimes you have to wait, sometimes the conditions are not perfect, and that the world doesn't always revolve around them and their schedule.  I think that waiting a bit is actually healthier than having a cell phone.  This is an example of the kind of entitlement that I'm trying to steer dd away from.  She can be inconvenienced sometimes.  I will inconvenienced sometimes.  It's part of REAL life.

post #15 of 92

It depends on how cold.  I live in MO but there has been days in single digits.  There were cold weather advisories.  My issue is why does the kid have a phone but no access to her house?  Why does't she have a key and a door she can open?  
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post





This is an honest question.  What is wrong with a 13 year old waiting outside (even if it's cold) for 30 minutes?  I honestly don't see anything wrong with this at all.  Kids need to learn that sometimes you have to wait, sometimes the conditions are not perfect, and that the world doesn't always revolve around them and their schedule.  I think that waiting a bit is actually healthier than having a cell phone.  This is an example of the kind of entitlement that I'm trying to steer dd away from.  She can be inconvenienced sometimes.  I will inconvenienced sometimes.  It's part of REAL life.

post #16 of 92

Just keep in mind that you can win the battle but lose the war.  The more you dislike this guy, the more she will like him.  Let them get together at your house (only) with your supervision.  Treat him as if he is just a friend. (And I would make sure she knew she could ask you about birth control, if she were my daughter.)  And stop reading her texts.  Before you know it, she will be an adult and out of your house, and what kind of relationship do you want to have with her then?  That's the kind of relationship you need to cultivate now.

 

 

(PS.  Yes, I have a 13 year old dd).

 

post #17 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post



Quote:

Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

I got my dd one at the age of 13, after she returned from a school function half an hour early and had no access to a phone to call me to let me know, so she was stuck waiting for a half an hour, outside. 



This is an honest question.  What is wrong with a 13 year old waiting outside (even if it's cold) for 30 minutes?  I honestly don't see anything wrong with this at all.  Kids need to learn that sometimes you have to wait, sometimes the conditions are not perfect, and that the world doesn't always revolve around them and their schedule.  I think that waiting a bit is actually healthier than having a cell phone.  This is an example of the kind of entitlement that I'm trying to steer dd away from.  She can be inconvenienced sometimes.  I will inconvenienced sometimes.  It's part of REAL life.


Bigger question, why doesn't a 13 year old have access to their own house key?

post #18 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post



Quote:

Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post

I got my dd one at the age of 13, after she returned from a school function half an hour early and had no access to a phone to call me to let me know, so she was stuck waiting for a half an hour, outside. 



This is an honest question.  What is wrong with a 13 year old waiting outside (even if it's cold) for 30 minutes?  I honestly don't see anything wrong with this at all.  Kids need to learn that sometimes you have to wait, sometimes the conditions are not perfect, and that the world doesn't always revolve around them and their schedule.  I think that waiting a bit is actually healthier than having a cell phone.  This is an example of the kind of entitlement that I'm trying to steer dd away from.  She can be inconvenienced sometimes.  I will inconvenienced sometimes.  It's part of REAL life.


Bigger question, why doesn't a 13 year old have access to their own house key?


I assumed she was stuck at school waiting to be picked up because she mentioned teachers and coaches not sticking around.  If not, then I agree, that is the bigger question.  Moreover, if stuck outside their home, unless it's extremely rural, then why was there no place else to go to.  (And if rural, then would there be cell coverage anyway???)

 

No teacher or coach would leave a kid of 13 or 14 in dangerous temperatures without making sure that there was someone coming quickly.  They wouldn't just abandon a kid without any form of communication.  If they did, they're setting themselves up for some trouble.  Teachers and coaches don't just leave kids in dangerous situations (cold or otherwise) because we have such a litigious society and they are aware of it.  So, to me, "being left 30 minutes waiting" isn't a *reason*, it's an *excuse*, IMO.

post #19 of 92

1.  I don't see why analyzing whether she has a phone is helping, if you feel like she needs the phone, make (and sign?) and agreement w/her for what it can be used for.  Otherwise, she *could* lose the privilege, or some of it - like data pkg?  Or you can downgrade her unit to a pager?  In any case, an agreement would allow you to set some boundaries mutually - she gets to set some, you get to set some.

 

2.  I would absolutely bring his people in on this - family, school, coach.  He's underage, so depending upon where you are, it's possible he'd be immune from any charges regarding your dd if they were to pursue a sexual relationship.   

 

3.  If you think she is engaging in a sexual relationship - or on the verge of doing so - make her an appointment for a pelvic exam.  That is often enough to scare the pants out of a 13yo.  A good doctor (PA?) can also talk w/her about the risks involved, both emotionally and physically.  And if it doesn't change her mind, maybe she is ready? 

 

4.  Is it possible that she's telling the truth?  I would get the skeevies if my dd (12.5) were in any way involved w/a 17yo kid, for sure, but I would like to think (haha) that I'd try to listen to her and give her the benefit of the doubt.  If you can, enlist the aid of the parents of her friends, just a phone call to let them know your concerns.  It might help you feel like more eyes than your own were looking out for her.  On the off chance that they are experimenting with drugs or drinking, sex, or other dangerous behavior, she will need the village to look out for her!  And if she is telling the truth, having other people looking out for her won't hurt!

 

Be there for her.  Try not to push her away, and never ever let her know how smart you are.  If you can figure out how to follow up on her in a way that brings you information, don't let her know, just take the info in and let her know that you are concerned: growing up too fast is nearly always regretted, and nearly never part of a happy childhood.  :(

post #20 of 92

Hmm, well, my DD is 13 and having 17-year-old friends and older is not unusual at all for her. Granted, she's in high school and theatre. She has many years of experience with multi-aged environments and theatre particularly fosters a communal, sort of family relationship amoungst the ages. The older teen boys DD texts and spends one-on-one time with are openly gay. She's clearly a platonic friend and little sister to the straight older teen boys (and understandable as most have known her since she was like 8 lol.) They rarely text her and only 2 or 3 lines before rehearsals or right after school. I don't read her texts but I can tell by phone bill that these texts are most likely "what time is rehearsal" or "do you know what the physics homework is." They only go out in multi-aged groups to public, age-appropriate events... no one-on-one, no parties at someone's home and all parents are aware of who is involved (and having aquaintanships with the parents is good too.)  We've never been uncomfortable with the older kids. It's more the boys her age who contact her all the time that make us nervous!

 

If you are getting a queasy feeling in your gut about it, it's always smart to listen. I wouldn't let your imagination go too wild though. Stick to what you actually know. If you are worried she's meeting up with him, why not hang around. If she's meeting friends at the mall, take her early for some window shopping and walk her over to see her friends for a quick godd-bye when the time comes. Tell her you want to take a picture of her and her friends before an ice skating trip. You'll get some memories and sort of keep an eye on whose involved without invading her space or depriving her of private time with buddies. I don't think forbidding a friendship is beneficial but perhaps turning him into family is. If she's attracted to his being older and sort of a secret, then your getting to know him and his family will be a HUGE turn-off lol.

 

It never hurts  to have restrictions on the phone. Personally, I LOVE my kids having phones. It makes life easier for us all. However, we do have some limits one of which is that DD has to put all her electronics outside the bedroom door at 10pm (her bedtime.) This isn't so she won't text innapropriately, it's so she gets some actual sleep! It does have the added bonus of curtailing those night time conversations and reminding any older suiters that she's still a young teen with parental bounderies to contend with.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Help a 17yr old high school guy is interested in my 13 year old?