Help a 17yr old high school guy is interested in my 13 year old? - Page 2

[Jessnet]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

If you are getting a queasy feeling in your gut about it, it's always smart to listen. I wouldn't let your imagination go too wild though. Stick to what you actually know. If you are worried she's meeting up with him, why not hang around. If she's meeting friends at the mall, take her early for some window shopping and walk her over to see her friends for a quick godd-bye when the time comes. Tell her you want to take a picture of her and her friends before an ice skating trip. You'll get some memories and sort of keep an eye on whose involved without invading her space or depriving her of private time with buddies. I don't think forbidding a friendship is beneficial but perhaps turning him into family is. If she's attracted to his being older and sort of a secret, then your getting to know him and his family will be a HUGE turn-off lol.

We have a lot of mixed age interaction in our family, too.  I totally agree your best bet is to get to know the kid and the friends.

While it is possible this is an older teen preying on younger, vulnerable girl, and the 'friendship' needs instant, immediate intervention, it's also equally possible this is an immature 17 year old making friends with someone who is only 4 years younger and actually more on par with his "relationship maturity” then girls his age. But the only way to make such a judgment is to get more involved with the kids and get to know them. I have a teen-aged DSD so I am around boys this age and I am still often surprised at how immature 17 year old boys can be - especially if they have had no previous "romantic" relationships. Truly, there is such a wide swath of maturity for teens.

In the spirit of full disclosure , I too was a young teen dating an older - immature -  guy (14-19).  My mother hated him and did her best to disrupt the relationship - including all the standards, losing her temper, threatening to call the police, grounding, and forbidding me to see him. The only thing it accomplished was to teach me how to be sneaky, make the relationship last longer than it would have normally (3 years), and to never – TO THIS DAY – confide in my mother about my relationships (which I know, sadly, hurts her). I am quite certain if she had only listened to me and gotten to know him, she would have realized I had it more together than anyone gave me credit for and he was in no way taking advantage of me. I still talk to him fairly regularly and am very proud of the choices I made at 14 - picking a guy who still respects me 20 years later – despite my mother’s absolute convection this guy was nothing but a predator and that our relationship was inappropriate.

To sum up, my advice would be to tread lightly, respect your daughter's feelings, and make an informed decision on their 'friendship' because you could be saving her, or you could not be. Either way, with this subject you are laying the groundwork for the rest of your adult relationship with her.

Edited by Jessnet - 12/27/10 at 1:27am

[happysmileylady]

Sorry I wasn't clear.  Yes, she was stuck outside at school.  Yes, it was cold, but not dangerously so.  She was in 8th grade at the time and on Student Council.  They had chosen some kids off an angel tree and went shopping after school to get the kids Christmas presents.  The shopping trip did not take as long as expected and they arrived at school early.  There were a few other students as well, but they couldn't get into the school.  No, there's nothing inherently WRONG with being stuck waiting outside for half an hour, but it's no fun.  I do not in any way consider it "entitlement" to not want to wait around for half an hour for my ride.  When I, as an adult, am finished early with something and have to wait for my ride to come get me, (such as when I would fly for work and my plane would land early) I would absolutely call them when I landed so they could come get me early.  Entitlement, IMO, is expecting to be allowed to use someone else's phone if I needed to contact someone, since payphones are quickly disappearing.  It used to be that teens were always advised to carry a quarter just in case, not that advice isn't valid...there are very few places left to use that quarter. 

[mattemma04]

I would talk to my dd if she was interested in an older boy.At his age he will have a strong  sexual interest ,and our children need to be aware of the risks associated with physical contact with another.A discussion of diseases, the emotional roller coaster of relationships,and sex. I don't know if I would cut the txting,but I would want to block the ability to send pictures.To many stories of sending nude pics that go viral all over school.My dd is 11 and no phone.If I did get the kids a phone it would be for calling.Not email or txting or anything.

I would not want my kids waiting outside anywhere.Without an adult they are a target of opportunity. I would want them to call right away.

You can let the coach know,but even if he gets rid of the boy(or watches closely) chances are the 2 will meet elsewhere.

[A&A]

We have a lot of mixed age interaction in our family, too.  I totally agree your best bet is to get to know the kid and the friends.

While it is possible this is an older teen preying on younger, vulnerable girl, and the 'friendship' needs instant, immediate intervention, it's also equally possible this is an immature 17 year old making friends with someone who is only 4 years younger and actually more on par with his "relationship maturity” then girls his age. But the only way to make such a judgment is to get more involved with the kids and get to know them. I have a teen-aged DSD so I am around boys this age and I am still often surprised at how immature 17 year old boys can be - especially if they have had no previous "romantic" relationships. Truly, there is such a wide swath of maturity for teens.

In the spirit of full disclosure , I too was a young teen dating an older - immature -  guy (14-19).  My mother hated him and did her best to disrupt the relationship - including all the standards, losing her temper, threatening to call the police, grounding, and forbidding me to see him. The only thing it accomplished was to teach me how to be sneaky, make the relationship last longer than it would have normally (3 years), and to never – TO THIS DAY – confide in my mother about my relationships (which I know, sadly, hurts her). I am quite certain if she had only listened to me and gotten to know him, she would have realized I had it more together than anyone gave me credit for and he was in no way taking advantage of me. I still talk to him fairly regularly and am very proud of the choices I made at 14 - picking a guy who still respects me 20 years later – despite my mother’s absolute convection this guy was nothing but a predator and that our relationship was inappropriate.

To sum up, my advice would be to tread lightly, respect your daughter's feelings, and make an informed decision on their 'friendship' because you could be saving her, or you could not be. Either way, with this subject you are laying the groundwork for the rest of your adult relationship with her.

This is all great advice.

[imagine21]

Well, your reactions have taught her to be secretive and not trust you.  At this point, I would tell her that you messed up by looking at her texts, that you want to be able to have an open relationship with her and you want her to be able to come to you to discuss her transition into adulthood.  Then wait for her to do it.  The more you push, the less you'll get,

[whatsnextmom]

This is really easy to say but I find it rather unfair. This is a 13-year-old girl. The transition from little girl to young adult is FILLED with trial and error. I have a 13-year-old and we're still trying to figure everything out and we're making mistakes on both fronts. Plus what is considered a "mistake" is relative. A mistake is really only one that didn't have a good overall long-term outcome. We don't know whether snooping has really hurt or helped in this situation. Yes, the girl is being sneeky but knowing how mom feels might also plant a seed of doubt about the relationship with this boy and make her think. Who knows what the long term results of this will be.

Trust in our home is something that is earned. My DD's always been ultra responsibly and trustworthy and so she's had a lot of freedom. She's been fumbling a bit lately. It's understandable. Starting high school is a major change. She's still trying to strike that balance between all the new social distractions, new freedoms and responsibilities. I caught her in a lie recently. Basically, we have a curfew on texting and computer. She's been breaking it and I knew she was. I mean, you just have to see the phone bill to see that she was texting after 10. I gave her every opportunity to tell the truth. I hinted that I might know something. I even told her she wouldn't get in trouble if she came forward. I gave her a couple weeks but she didn't tell the truth as to what she was doing nor change her ways. So, I busted her and she now has to put all her electronics outside her door at 10. I told her... YOU are teaching me how you want to be treated. If you don't want me to check-up on you, to be suspicious, then you need to show me you are someone who doesn't need to be checked up on. If you lie to me, well, then I can't trust what you say and so YES, I will have to snoop, to keep you closer and/or take away your freedoms. It's in HER power to be trusted or not.... I think it's wrong to blame a parent for not just giving blind trust in a 13-year-old who has been displaying suspicious behavior.

You can't really win either way. If she hadn't snooped and next month caught this girl in a physical relationship with this boy, she'd be getting flack for being too hands off and not paying attention. We all do what feels right at the time and the results really depend on the individual parties involved. Some kids do great with full freedom and hands-off parenting. Others flounder and latch on to unhealthy authority figures like older men/women or groups with harsh, dominate leaders.

Originally Posted by imagine21 

Well, your reactions have taught her to be secretive and not trust you.  At this point, I would tell her that you messed up by looking at her texts, that you want to be able to have an open relationship with her and you want her to be able to come to you to discuss her transition into adulthood.  Then wait for her to do it.  The more you push, the less you'll get,

[Storm Bride]

OP: Does the 17 year old know that your dd is only 13? That's not really clear from the OP, and he may not even be aware of the age gap.

The gap itself doesn't bother me, in terms of them being friends, or even that she has a crush on him. This can be totally harmless, ime. However, if he really is pursuing her (and you saw the texts - I didn't, so I can't judge), and he knows that she's only 13, then I'd share your concerns, and I think it's time to talk to him and his parents, as well as your dd.

[pigpokey]

If he worked with the swim team he would be aware of her age.  Every meet program would have had it printed right after her name in each race.  Also generally the swim ages for summer league will be ....., 12-under, 14-under, and then 15-18.  Certainly he knows.

I understand the OPs concern but think he might be given a chance.  Get to know the boy.  Is he honorable?  Sure they do think about sex but love is what love is.  And dating in her age group ... 13 year old males are not all pure thoughts, flowers and butterflies.  There will be predator boys and there will be good boyfriend material throughout this adolescent period.

Find out his intentions.  Is he willing to do chaperoned dating and respect limits? 

[Schae]

May I ask why it would be a problem for them to be more than friends? As a previous poster (or two) mentioned, there can be differing maturity levels and they could end up working out quite well.

I think worrying about the cellphone and text messages is besides the point. The point is a better relationship with your daughter - I'd go about cultivating that. Have a chat with her (not a confrontation), talk about your concerns and what her thoughts and feelings are. More flies with honey than vinegar

good luck though, it's not easy

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

OP: Does the 17 year old know that your dd is only 13? That's not really clear from the OP, and he may not even be aware of the age gap.

The gap itself doesn't bother me, in terms of them being friends, or even that she has a crush on him. This can be totally harmless, ime. However, if he really is pursuing her (and you saw the texts - I didn't, so I can't judge), and he knows that she's only 13, then I'd share your concerns, and I think it's time to talk to him and his parents, as well as your dd.

I agree. When I was 13 I had a 17 yo boyfriend. He sexually abused me. This is not something I would take lightly with my past experiences.

[sosurreal09]

I'm only 23 so let me tell you when I was 13 I dated a 17 y/o and he wanted sex right away...thankfully I was very inexperienced and had religious morals so I refused...he dumped me (probably figuring I would come crawling back and giving him what he wanted) I was heart broken at that age but I told me mom all about it and she told me "He must not have really cared about you if that's all he wanted" she was right..he didn't. I got over it.

Also let me tell you...I didn't wait all that long (my mom passed away at 15) and at 16 I was doing it...with now DH actually lol but still all of my friends I know lost it at 15 or 16 and from what I understand they are doing it younger now....

my BFF was raised "strictly Catholic" (her words) and even had a "promise ring" not to have it and lost hers when she was 15....she has had 8 partners so far and is 21...

I am not saying anything against Catholics I was raised Catholic myself I am just giving an example

I have only had DH and one other guy when DH (then DP) called it quits for a few months before DD ever happened...

My sis had it at 16 and is 25 now...ooooooooh man she has had a LOT of guys...I would say 20+

unfortunately I feel like it is so inevitable for teens to loose it now...the pressure to is ridiculous (at 14 I had guys and friends telling me to just give it up already...) You can absolutely try and support her and encourage her to wait but mostly explain the safe ways to do it...even orally and all of that...b/c teens are doing it all the time...

[Rani]

It always makes me both ticked off and laugh when posters automatically go with "so take away the cell" or "when I was a kid, we didn't need no stinkin cell phones." type rants.  Sorry but I live in the modern world, my dd is 12 and has a fully functional cell for the very reasons explained earlier.  She has a key to the house as well.  If you read the research about the current "teen" and young adult life - the cell is the new way to connect because all the young places to hang out are slowly but surely being shut down - yes we didn't have cells, but we had skating rinks, snack bars, other hangouts.  Most of these are not options anymore. So the kids connect virtually as much as in person.  To shout...take away their cells is sticking your head in the sand and not solving the problem.

To OP:  Talking to your daughter openly and honestly about your concerns and yes...inviting said 17 year old over for dinner are good answers and actually address the problem. I agree - if all he wants is in her pants, being obligated to "meet the parents" and converse will be way too much trouble.

[sharon71]

Originally Posted by Rani 

It always makes me both ticked off and laugh when posters automatically go with "so take away the cell" or "when I was a kid, we didn't need no stinkin cell phones." type rants.  Sorry but I live in the modern world, my dd is 12 and has a fully functional cell for the very reasons explained earlier.  She has a key to the house as well.  If you read the research about the current "teen" and young adult life - the cell is the new way to connect because all the young places to hang out are slowly but surely being shut down - yes we didn't have cells, but we had skating rinks, snack bars, other hangouts.  Most of these are not options anymore. So the kids connect virtually as much as in person.  To shout...take away their cells is sticking your head in the sand and not solving the problem.

To OP:  Talking to your daughter openly and honestly about your concerns and yes...inviting said 17 year old over for dinner are good answers and actually address the problem. I agree - if all he wants is in her pants, being obligated to "meet the parents" and converse will be way too much trouble.

I so agree with you.I have a 13 and 15 yr old dd and have done just what you suggest here. My 15 yr old is allowed to date someone less than 3 yrs older than her( meaning no older than 17) and my 13 yr old is not allowed to date yet.

My 15 yr old has a good head on her shoulders and has dumped at least 3 boyfriends for trying to get in her pants,she knows she's not ready to have sex however when she is she's not afraid to come to me or her dad and discuss her options and plans.

[luv-my-boys]

Originally Posted by soso-lynn 

. You can get a phone with GPS to know where she is, you could make a point of confirming with other kids' parents if she says she is going to visit them.

 This is going to sound kinda sneaky but if you do go ahead and get a phone with GPS do not tell her.  Simply say you got new phones.  A friend of mine did this with her teen and as soon as they knew about the gps they started leaving their phones with friends at their house or whereever they said they were going because all the gps does is tell you the physical location of the phone not who has it.

[Kreeblim]

Originally Posted by Rani 

It always makes me both ticked off and laugh when posters automatically go with "so take away the cell" or "when I was a kid, we didn't need no stinkin cell phones." type rants.  Sorry but I live in the modern world, my dd is 12 and has a fully functional cell for the very reasons explained earlier.  She has a key to the house as well.  If you read the research about the current "teen" and young adult life - the cell is the new way to connect because all the young places to hang out are slowly but surely being shut down - yes we didn't have cells, but we had skating rinks, snack bars, other hangouts.  Most of these are not options anymore. So the kids connect virtually as much as in person.  To shout...take away their cells is sticking your head in the sand and not solving the problem.

To OP:  Talking to your daughter openly and honestly about your concerns and yes...inviting said 17 year old over for dinner are good answers and actually address the problem. I agree - if all he wants is in her pants, being obligated to "meet the parents" and converse will be way too much trouble.

Personally I just don't understand the cell phone becoming the scapegoat in this thread.  The gist of this story "girl dating guy who is too old/wrong type for her parents" is so cliche' that there have been stories just like it going back for thousands of years.  Do you really think Romeo and Juliet's story would have ended with Juliet's cell phone being taken away?  

Not that this is some kind of deep love story...the truth is that we don't really know what is going on here, which is why having a really honest and open talk with her and inviting him over would probably be way more helpful than just attempting to shut down her current routes of communication with the boy.  IMHO, if removing a cell phone or texting capability alone is enough to stop whatever relationship they have, then it wasn't a serious enough involvement to warrant such a drastic measure in the first place and the damage it does to your relationship with your daughter would be irreparable.  

[poppiesinjuly]

When my sister was younger, she wanted to date guys who were several years older than her (She is 19 now).  My mom just told them that they could see each other, but only at their ("our house", but I'm 13 years older than her, I didn't live there anymore) house or on family outings.

So, she had guys over, my mom didn't hover or anything, she could invite them when they went to movies, out to dinner, etc, but not on dates alone.

She did end up seeing 2 or 3 guys who were older, but it got boring because it wasn't controversial and was supervised, and she broke up with all of them eventually.

Now she's in college and who knows what she's doing, lol.  But, she has a good head on her shoulders and knows that there are always people she can talk to when she needs them.  (Me & Mom)

My mom sort of did the same thing when I dated someone in high school she hated.  She never once said she hated him, let him come to our house, never said a word.  It got boring fast for me too.  I think we dated for all of 3 months.

[Adaline'sMama]

Is the 13 yo still in 8th grade, or is she in high school. To me, once people are in high school they are really not going to stop the relationship just because they cant text. To the defense of the 17 yo, I had a 18 yo boyfriend when I was 14 and he never tried to push me to have sex. He was totally respectful, right up to the day he broke my heart because he moved away to college.

[number572]

I have similar experiences as the pp did, was with a guy and went to the school prom as a 14 year old, with a senior.  I never really hung out with guys my same age b'c they all seemed immature and were thinking more about getting their first time, etc. than my older boyfriends.  I also didn't stick in any relationship where I felt pressured.  My stepdad was a super alcoholic pervert and I was also sexually assaulted by an uncle (my mother's brother) at 15, so, I guess I'm saying that dangers can come from anywhere for a teen girl.  

I don't know you or your daughter but my best suggestion would be to try to keep the line of communication and trust between your daughter and yourself as open and understanding as possible.  And always let her know the truth of awful things that *can* happen to a teen girl... but let her know how much you trust that she's a strong person, what some choices in sexuality can lead to, etc.  Some venereal diseases last your entire life.  I was lucky and never contracted any, but had friends who did, and it was terrible to witness.  I was always too self-conscious and afraid to get too close to guys to have sex much. although I did have 2 sexual experiences (boyfriends) before getting out of highschool, and one of those, when I did find a guy I wanted to explore that with, I got pregnant at 17 and made the choice to abort and it still haunts me to this day.  I have nightmares often and its been years since I did that horrible thing.  I'm not saying it's horrible for everyone, I just have always had regret.  

I think truth of reading about what could happen in a very very non-threatening way could be pretty effective for a teen girl.  I always saw sex as a glamorized and adult choice, plus natural hormones... all of that together, without reading about the bad parts, well, I thought it'd be neat to try out.  Also, something I never had but think would have been great to have knowledge of, is a solid self-defense class.  Sorry you're dealing with this, I hope your dd stays strong and has nice relationships and none of the hardships of falling head over heals for an older guy.  Oh, btw, the guy I got pregnant with was a half a year younger than me!  So, it was the fact that I was unaware of using a top quality condom VS one that he'd gotten from his dad's bar's condom vending machine in the heat of the moment.  Knowledge and preparedness is power over things like teen pg and disease, etc.  HTH!

Edited by number572 - 12/29/10 at 6:05pm

[PoppyMama]

I'm always surprised that it seems to be a general consensus that young teen girls are in such a different place sexually than the guys.  I would match my 13 dd sexual interest against a 17 year old boys any day.  When I was young most of the girls I knew were sexually active and it wasn't because we were being pressured into by older boys who had different expectations than we did.  Anyway...I have an absolute rule that my dd cannot date anyone with more than a three year age difference.  This is to protect them, primarily, I don't want any dumb kids with no impulse control ending up registered as a sex offender.  I don't even want jerky teen boys who are only thinking of themselves to end up prosecuted.  I would check the laws in your state and then let his parents know he is in a danger zone.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by pigpokey 

Find out his intentions.  Is he willing to do chaperoned dating and respect limits? 

Chaperoned dating?  There is no way my 13 year old would be dating a 17 year old period.

I would really be wondering what a 17 year old wants to do with a 13 year old anyhow?  To me, that is very odd.  4 years is a lot at these ages.  A 17 year old dating a 13 year old is just not appropriate.  I would take away text messages, OP, and contact his parents if he is in fact attempting to date her.