Help a 17yr old high school guy is interested in my 13 year old? - Page 3

[number572]

I hesitate to even post, but honestly, I see no power within the last two posts at all.  I see distance making statements.  I say this as an advocate of what you, as parents, are trying to do... but I would have found ways around what both of you are saying and seem to be trying to implement, and then I would feel like you didn't even want to try to know me at all, if I were your teen.  

Sorry if that stings but I think the point of this thread is to try to get close enough to the teen child to avoid his/her future problems.  Thats why I spilled my own beans, its not comfortable, but if it can help someone else, thats life coming around.  I'm not trying to instigate issues between us posters at all.  And as embarrassed as I could be by letting it all out here , I went forth and did it, hopefully it could help OP's dd and her understanding with each other somehow.

I did mention the the guy who got me pregnant was a half year younger than I was.  It happens.  It is NOT age or being infatuated with an older guy.  Its putting trust in your daughter and giving the time to her to instill self-esteem and for her to know what good and bad choices can lead to.  Also, knowing where she can find good quality condoms and other forms of self protection should she choose to go there.  It's a LOT about not sticking your head in the sand and then freaking out on her for not doing what you think she "should have done".  Prevention can be as easy as guiding her where to read about people who have had real life experiences in dealing with disease and teen pg or abortion, etc.... to giving her good resources for top quality condoms and info against how to protect herself from other STD's.  She's a person, who is free to make choices.  Your strongest avenue here is to be her guide, not her cop. 

[kittywitty]

Those choices are not the sort of thing that 13 year olds are mature enough to take on, sorry. Pregnancy, STDs, HIV. Not to mention the boy being arrested for statutory rape if she changes her mind after the fact or if *anyone* finds out about it. And if you, as her parent, know about it, you can be held as an accomplice. It's happened.

[prothyraia]

Moreover, if stuck outside their home, unless it's extremely rural, then why was there no place else to go to.  (And if rural, then would there be cell coverage anyway???)

That's what I was thinking- cell coverage is really spotty around here.

A 13 year old does not *need* a cell phone.  Heck, I don't need a cell phone!  It's fine to decide that's it's more important for you to have the ability to be in contact with your child than to restrict phone usage, but framing it as a "need" is just inaccurate.  It's primarily a convienence.  Many people, even teenagers, manage to get along just fine without them.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by kittywitty 

Not to mention the boy being arrested for statutory rape if she changes her mind after the fact or if *anyone* finds out about it. And if you, as her parent, know about it, you can be held as an accomplice. It's happened.

The impact this could have on the young man's life is HUGE. He needs an adult that he respects to explain to him what it would mean to go through the rest of his life with the label "sexual predator." 

Relationships between adults and children (and this is right on the border) need VERY clear boundaries to protect BOTH parties.

[JulianneW]

I dont see why everyone is jumping to drug, STD and pregnancy conclusions.  Why cant a 13 yr old and 17 yr old with common interests be friends? My husband and I became friends when I was 14 and he was 16, we both ran track. I was a freshman he was a sophomore ( I skipped a grade). At the time he actually liked my older sister. Did I have a huge crush on him...of course. We were friends, texted talked on the phone, hung out. My question is this...why do people automatically assume they are having sex or will have sex?

When my now husband turned 18 I was still 15 for two months, my now FIL freaked out because "he was going to get me pregnant and I was going to ruin his life". No we were not having sex, we had kissed. His Dad never took the time to get to know me or find out anything about us. On the other hand my parents let him come over, hang out with the family and got to know him. My Grandpa worked as a basketball coach at our HS and told me then that "he was the most mature, best kid that he had every met in all his years as a coach". My grandpa coached for 35 years.

We shared common interested and had a lot of fun together, we liked each other but it wasnt sexual. My point is this unless you get to know the individuals you have no idea. Communication is key. Some friends in high schools attitude was, my parents assume i'm having sex so I might as well. I on the other hand knew that my parents trusted me, I did not want to lose that trust.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama 

I'm always surprised that it seems to be a general consensus that young teen girls are in such a different place sexually than the guys.  I would match my 13 dd sexual interest against a 17 year old boys any day. 

This.

I have to say that I've realized I jumped to a conclusion earlier in the thread. From the OP's comments about the texts she read, I thought she knew that the boy was pressuring her dd, but on rereading, I'm not sure how I got that out of what she wrote. I wouldn't assume that he's pushing the girl, just based on their ages, either. The worst pressure I ever got in this area was from a guy my own age, when I was 13. The older guys I dated? They definitely wanted sex, but they weren't as pushy about it.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by number572 

I hesitate to even post, but honestly, I see no power within the last two posts at all.  I see distance making statements.  I say this as an advocate of what you, as parents, are trying to do... but I would have found ways around what both of you are saying and seem to be trying to implement, and then I would feel like you didn't even want to try to know me at all, if I were your teen.  

Sorry if that stings but I think the point of this thread is to try to get close enough to the teen child to avoid his/her future problems.  Thats why I spilled my own beans, its not comfortable, but if it can help someone else, thats life coming around.  I'm not trying to instigate issues between us posters at all.  And as embarrassed as I could be by letting it all out here , I went forth and did it, hopefully it could help OP's dd and her understanding with each other somehow.

I did mention the the guy who got me pregnant was a half year younger than I was.  It happens.  It is NOT age or being infatuated with an older guy.  Its putting trust in your daughter and giving the time to her to instill self-esteem and for her to know what good and bad choices can lead to.  Also, knowing where she can find good quality condoms and other forms of self protection should she choose to go there.  It's a LOT about not sticking your head in the sand and then freaking out on her for not doing what you think she "should have done".  Prevention can be as easy as guiding her where to read about people who have had real life experiences in dealing with disease and teen pg or abortion, etc.... to giving her good resources for top quality condoms and info against how to protect herself from other STD's.  She's a person, who is free to make choices.  Your strongest avenue here is to be her guide, not her cop. 

 I think that this idea of guidance would be appropriate for a 16 year old, but NOT a 13 year old.  13 years old.  This is way too young to be making these sorts of decisions.  It is still a parent's responsibility to protect their child at this point.  The vast majority of 13 year olds are not capable of fully thinking through consequences of their actions which is why they still need rules...like no dating a 17 year old.

And to the person commenting about dating a 16 year old when they were 14...two years is much much different than four.  Developmentally a 13 and 17 year old are in completely different worlds.

[Kreeblim]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

Originally Posted by number572 

I hesitate to even post, but honestly, I see no power within the last two posts at all.  I see distance making statements.  I say this as an advocate of what you, as parents, are trying to do... but I would have found ways around what both of you are saying and seem to be trying to implement, and then I would feel like you didn't even want to try to know me at all, if I were your teen.  

Sorry if that stings but I think the point of this thread is to try to get close enough to the teen child to avoid his/her future problems.  Thats why I spilled my own beans, its not comfortable, but if it can help someone else, thats life coming around.  I'm not trying to instigate issues between us posters at all.  And as embarrassed as I could be by letting it all out here , I went forth and did it, hopefully it could help OP's dd and her understanding with each other somehow.

I did mention the the guy who got me pregnant was a half year younger than I was.  It happens.  It is NOT age or being infatuated with an older guy.  Its putting trust in your daughter and giving the time to her to instill self-esteem and for her to know what good and bad choices can lead to.  Also, knowing where she can find good quality condoms and other forms of self protection should she choose to go there.  It's a LOT about not sticking your head in the sand and then freaking out on her for not doing what you think she "should have done".  Prevention can be as easy as guiding her where to read about people who have had real life experiences in dealing with disease and teen pg or abortion, etc.... to giving her good resources for top quality condoms and info against how to protect herself from other STD's.  She's a person, who is free to make choices.  Your strongest avenue here is to be her guide, not her cop. 

 I think that this idea of guidance would be appropriate for a 16 year old, but NOT a 13 year old.  13 years old.  This is way too young to be making these sorts of decisions.  It is still a parent's responsibility to protect their child at this point.  The vast majority of 13 year olds are not capable of fully thinking through consequences of their actions which is why they still need rules...like no dating a 17 year old.

And to the person commenting about dating a 16 year old when they were 14...two years is much much different than four.  Developmentally a 13 and 17 year old are in completely different worlds.

I think one issue you might be missing though, is whether simply outright banning a certain behavior is the most effective way to stop it.  Especially in a girl that is out of the house more than IN the house for things like school and sports.  13 years olds can and do have sex and get pregnant.  They can and do have the desire to do sexual things and are not always "pressured" into it.  They do these things despite 99% of parents forbidding such behavior.  I think most of the commenters wouldn't exactly be jumping for joy at the idea of a 13 year old and a 17 year old having a sexual relationship, but there is a pretty wide difference of opinion about whether "forbid them from seeing each other and take away her cell phone" will be effective in the long or short term.  It really depends on how involved they actually are, and at this point we don't know if there anything beyond a friendship.  Over reaction can really backfire, which is why getting to know the kid rather than simply ensuring that she will keep her involvement with him secret by flipping out, is what many people are suggesting.    

[JulianneW]

I would agree that if the 13 yr old were DATING a 17 yr old that would be a whole different ball game. You have every right not to let your 13 yr old date. 

"He claims that they are just friends, but I don't believe him or her."

The BIG thing being overlooked here is they could very well just be friends. He may think she is smart, funny, cute and nice to talk to without it going any further. Yes, she may like him and he enjoys talking to her but why assume it goes further? Its not socially acceptable for a 17 yr old boy to date a 13 yr old. My point, its probably not something he would want. He has expressed NO desire to be her boyfriend. Why are people assuming he is a pervert?

They both maintain they are friends. Talking and texting does not equate sneaking around or an inappropriate relationship. 

Communication is key as well as trust.

I would take her aside and tell her that you are very sorry that you freaked out, she is your baby girl and the idea of her growing up is scary. Tell her that you would like to know more about her friend and that your sorry you jumped to conclusions. Have a frank conversation with her about sex and dating. Discuss what age she and you think is appropriate to start dating. Ask her when she thinks having sex is appropriate? Discuss both your opinions about it. Discuss why you were worried about her and her friendship with this boy. Let her know that you are supportive of her being friends with this boy and help her set boundaries for their friendship. Discuss what things are appropriate in friendship, which ones cross the line and how to respond to them. Let her know she can always come to you no matter the situation. 

I do not feel it is appropriate to talk to coaches or parents, since you have not yet established that an inappropriate relationship is going on. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by JulianneW 

The BIG thing being overlooked here is they could very well just be friends. He may think she is smart, funny, cute and nice to talk to without it going any further. Yes, she may like him and he enjoys talking to her but why assume it goes further? Its not socially acceptable for a 17 yr old boy to date a 13 yr old. My point, its probably not something he would want. He has expressed NO desire to be her boyfriend. Why are people assuming he is a pervert?

I sort of agree with you, with a few differences. First, it would depend on the exact content of the texts, which the mother hasn't shared. Second, we live in a culture where "friends with benefits" is seen as a reasonable alternative to dating. Second, my main point was that relationships between minors and adults need clear boundaries, and this one doesn't have those.  But other than that, I think you make some good points.

[choli]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Originally Posted by kittywitty 

Not to mention the boy being arrested for statutory rape if she changes her mind after the fact or if *anyone* finds out about it. And if you, as her parent, know about it, you can be held as an accomplice. It's happened.

The impact this could have on the young man's life is HUGE. He needs an adult that he respects to explain to him what it would mean to go through the rest of his life with the label "sexual predator." 

Relationships between adults and children (and this is right on the border) need VERY clear boundaries to protect BOTH parties.

Wow, now texting between teens labels the boy involved a predator?
 

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

Is the 13 yo still in 8th grade, or is she in high school. To me, once people are in high school they are really not going to stop the relationship just because they cant text. To the defense of the 17 yo, I had a 18 yo boyfriend when I was 14 and he never tried to push me to have sex. He was totally respectful, right up to the day he broke my heart because he moved away to college.

 I dated a guy who was 17 when I had just turned 14.  We did not have sex, he didn't pressure me even once to go any further than I was comfortable.  As I look back, he was a GREAT guy.  We rode around in his car (also looking back I can't believe my parents let me ride in a car with him!  I was a really responsible kid though, so I guess they had no reason to not trust me and my judgement, AND they had met and knew him and formed their own judgement of his respect/responsibility), hung out at my house mostly, went to the movies sometimes, and the most we ever did was kiss, I don't even think we got to "second base".  

That was back in the stone ages though, like 1988.  BUT....there alway have been, and always will be, guys out there who like a girl and aren't going to pressure her into sex.  If you've seen texts that prove otherwise, then I'd figure out how to get your daughter's trust back and open up honest, frank conversations with her about both the physical AND emotional issues around sex.

 I just had to give a shout out to another 17-yo guy who was a decent one.

Good luck, OP. 

[PoppyMama]

I'm not saying the guy is a pervert or a predator.  I'm saying he is stepping into dangerous territory and he may not even realize it.  If he was my son I would appreciate a heads up so that I could talk to him about the risks.  I dated older when I was a teen but the legal risks then aren't what they are now.  

[EFmom]

My sympathies.  My then 12.5 year old dd went to a summer music camp last summer and had a very similar thing happen with a 16.5 year old boy.  In our house, the kids are not allowed to date at that age, period, let alone a guy who is that much older.  I don't believe for a minute that the guys just want to be friends.  It's creepy.  I had just given dd a cell phone for her birthday, right before camp, and they were texting up a storm.  He did want to go out with her and asked her to movies, etc., which we did not allow to happen.

One of the conditions of her having the cell phone (or using the computer) is that she has no expectation of privacy, and knows we can see who she texts and may read her messages if we feel we need to.  She doesn't like that, understandably, but her alternative is no cell phone. I do think the idea of getting the GPS is something to consider in the OP's case.

Fortunately for us, the boy doesn't live close by and other than the camp, they'd have no reason to see each other.  After a few tearful weeks, the "relationship" ended, I think because he knew we weren't going to give any opportunities for "dating."

The cell phones absolutely are a factor in this kind of situation.  It just makes the sneaky constant communication all the easier.  Kids also have a bizarre instant affection for each other now that goes beyond this thing.  They all tell each other that they "love" each other, including their casual friends, all the time.  They make each other "family" on facebook.  I totally flipped out when I read her text to him telling him she loved him, but then realized she says that to all her friends, too.  I find that appalling, and a cheapening of what love really means.

In our situation, we talk about everything, and we discussed why we were opposed to her dating, etc.  She had some of her friends tell her he was too old.  But what it boils down to is that she was very, very flattered.  And sadly, like many very young teenaged girls, she feels great pressure to have a "boyfriend."  We had endless discussions about how this her time to get to know herself, explore her interests, focus on her music, her hobbies and her education.  We also talked about her becoming the very cool young lady she is and the repercussions of early relationships.  But still, she really wants a boyfriend, I know.

If it had persisted with my dd, I would have contacted the boy's parents and probably the boy directly.  He could go to jail if they were sexually active.  In the OP's case, if the kids on the swim team are mostly much younger than he is, I'd really suspect this guy's motivation for hanging around helping, and I'd talk to the coach.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Originally Posted by kittywitty 

Not to mention the boy being arrested for statutory rape if she changes her mind after the fact or if *anyone* finds out about it. And if you, as her parent, know about it, you can be held as an accomplice. It's happened.

The impact this could have on the young man's life is HUGE. He needs an adult that he respects to explain to him what it would mean to go through the rest of his life with the label "sexual predator." 

Relationships between adults and children (and this is right on the border) need VERY clear boundaries to protect BOTH parties.

Yep, it is entirely one thing if two 16 year olds fool around with each other. But in this case, the age difference is too great. He'll be 18 at some point soon and too old to be messing with a 13 year who may or may not know her own mind.

I have a son. We are very straight with him about girls and sex and consequences of such.

[sillygrl]

As messed up as it is, it was my mom freaking out *thinking* I was having sex (at 14) that pushed me into actually doing it (at..14). I know it's not right and it's only an excuse, but at that age, I decided that if I was being accused of it, might as well. The problem was that she didn't trust me, she wouldn't believe me, and she looked at me as if I was a little child with no reasoning capabilities. She also kicked me out of the house so I moved in with my dad.

Who did treat me like I had some sense and was smart and intelligent. And things changed drastically for me.

Now, at 29 yrs old, I know I had little sense back then and was very naive, but you couldn't have convinced me of that back then. Even at 13, I thought I was very grown up. I don't have teens right now (and trust me, the thought of having three teens at once scares me to death sometimes, lol) so I can just tell you what I remember thinking and feeling back then.

I like the idea of accepting this as a friendship. Having an open talk with your daughter, and appologizing for freaking out about it, etc, will be a good way to open communication. Then letting her know it's okay if she wants to have a friendship, and to invite him over for supper or something. Reality is that relationships at this age are over pretty quickly, especially if you make it "boring" by not allowing the level of secrecy.

Anyone remember how drinking became not quite so much fun when they turned 21? That's because it wasn't breaking any rules to do it anymore, lol

[Kristine233]

I was 14 dating a 17 year old (and we quickly both turned 15 & 18), my parents hated the age gap, especially since he was done with high school. We didn't have cellphones, they forbid me from seeing him when I was 16. I still saw him, for 9 months I was grounded from him and still saw him almost daily. I got into far more trouble when I was sneaking around. Having a phone or not made no difference. Because my parents forbade me from seeing him I did it even more, to spite them. Now I'm married to him, it's been nearly 16 years since that all happened. (and they like him now, lol). He was definitely less mature than me, even being 3 years older.

My point is, limiting technology or forbidding something isn't going to stop it. It's far more effective to just have good open communication and build some trust there so she does come to you instead of hiding things. I'd also make a point to get to know any of my kids friends, whether I thought they are too old for them or not. Getting to know them and also showing how involved I am is going to make a difference to someone potentially courting my dd.

[soso-lynn]

I just want to point out that limiting access to cell phones and other restrictions and having an open, honest relationship with your daughter are not mutually exclusive.

[Jessnet]

Originally Posted by soso-lynn 

I just want to point out that limiting access to cell phones and other restrictions and having an open, honest relationship with your daughter are not mutually exclusive.

Unless her motivation for limiting access and imposing restrictions is because she doesn't trust her daughter...which is what seems to be the case here.

[girlfactory]

Originally Posted by kittywitty 

Those choices are not the sort of thing that 13 year olds are mature enough to take on, sorry. Pregnancy, STDs, HIV. Not to mention the boy being arrested for statutory rape if she changes her mind after the fact or if *anyone* finds out about it. And if you, as her parent, know about it, you can be held as an accomplice. It's happened.

I completely agree with this.  There are numerous studies, showing how the teenage brain is not fully devEloped, that they canNOT make appropriate decisions at times.  And this could be the MOST important decision of her life so far; whether to go all the way with a boy that has NO business with her anyhow.  I really wouldn't let my dd (14 in 9th grade) even be in the position to have to make this type of decision.  They just aren't capable.  And yeah , here's the big white elephant in the room: STATUTORY RAPE, DATE RAPE, it happens *all* the time :(