Edited by Cybercere - 10/21/11 at 3:11pm
Hi Mama, I am balancing a baby on my knee so can't write much, but saw that no one had replied to you yet. Just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you, it sounds like an agonizing situation you are in. Please continue to seek help from a therapist experienced with postpartum women. Also please remember that you cannot change other people and how they feel, you only have control over yourself. Best thing now is to choose your best path forward from here with your lovely daughter. Let us know how you are doing.
oh wow, that is a tough situation to be in...
I know it hurts so much still, and us moms carry a lot on our shoulders, have you ever asked yourself "How is this better for me?" and listed all the ways in which this situation is actually better for you? If you ask in your head, you'll likely think there's no way this is better for me, but if you write it out you'll be surprised at all the answers you have within you.
I don't know him or the full situation but from what you wrote he doesn't seem to be a very sensible or stable guy.
What would your daughter prefer? 1 parent that's whole, or 2 that are acting broken inside.
(also, I'm no expert on custory or child support, but really, she's his daughter too, I wouldn't give up the child support that will ease at least one burden on you)
I hear you.
A few years ago, I was dumb enough to get involved with a guy who was still married. He swore up and down things were over between him and his wife and that he was going to get a divorce. I believed him. When I got pregnant, the day I told him was the day he told me he was going back to his wife (whom he had also claimed he hated). My pregnancy was a horrific roller coaster of emotions. I cried daily. I walked around feeling like someone had ripped my heart in half and kicked me in the stomach. It took me two years to fully recover from it. It is so hard to recover from someone rejecting you and your child.
All I can tell you is that eventually you will move forward. I thought this guy was something special to me, too. I could not have been more wrong. It was so hard to come to that realization...and I put up with a lot of crap from him afterwards because part of me still cared for him. It hurts to be rejected. It hurts even more when you feel like your child is being rejected too. I blamed myself for my son not having a father and I wondered if he would hate me when he got older. I also wondered if anyone would ever love me again. They did. I'm now happily married to the love of my life who adopted my son and we just added a daughter to our family.
Hang in there, mama. I know it hurts now, but I promise you it does get better. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there. And honestly, if I were you, I wouldn't take him back. The way he treated you was absolutely atrocious. Is that the kind of message you want to send to your daughter? If it was your daughter in this situation and she wanted to take him back, what would you tell her? Wouldn't you tell her that she deserved someone better and should stay away from this guy who treated her like crap? Well, the same goes for you. You deserve someone better and you should stay away from this guy--he treated you like absolute garbage. You are NOT garbage. You DESERVE someone who will be faithful to you and love you forever. This guy DOES NOT DESERVE to have you in his life. Send a positive message to your daughter and say that you refuse to be treated this way. Don't settle for some jerk who just wants to have you whenever he can have you and toss you away when he's done. You wouldn't want that for your daughter and you shouldn't want that for yourself.
You can do this. Keep your head up and do the best you can do for your daughter. It hurts and it's awful. But you will come out stronger. I know you will because I was able to. Stay strong.