STBX has abandoned DD

[sinsaratea]

As much of a donkey-hat as STBX has been... I would have never predicted this.

Haven't been on here in forever so in summary: Four years ago at this time, he announced he had cheated and he left. Came back a few months later saying he wanted this [marriage/family] and not that. Several months and some erratic behavior later, he went to work one night and never returned. Long story short all his mental issues, drug/alcohol abuse, and infidelities.... you get the picture. So for awhile he was good about staying with DD [now five years old] when I had school and he would come visit and call... then he started getting weird and disappearing. And boom: Last Christmas [a few days after actually] he came here to see DD. Then we heard nothing, literally, nothing from him until AUGUST and that was bc he needed the title to his truck. He saw her for 30m minutes in Kroger where we met to give him the title. Promised to be around. Called for awhile. And now we haven't seen or heard from him since. My friends who knew him, even knowing his other major flaws, cannot believe it. Needless to say, at the beginning of summer break, when we hadnt seen him since Christmas, i finally get divorce proceedings underway. i only know that he is still alive bc i get the child support payments. he never answers his phone or even texts.   [edited to add: oh and he is supposedly clean now. he is in school to be a nurse. my thoughts on this are that putting yourself in free access to any pill you want is dangerous and also he needs to learn to take care of people closer to home before taking care of others. at any rate he is either lying about his sobriety--which seems the most likely answer--or he was actually a better dad as a user].

this is the way he operates. he gets done with a chapter and drops it. he did it to his parents. and i would be fine with him doing it to me. but she is not a chapter. she asked me the other night if i had told daddy to stay away from her.

so....

1. Any other mamas here who have had this situation? how did you handle?

2. while i think i am doing a fine job in trying to be all she needs, i sometimes wonder about some counseling for her. she needs to get these feelings out and while I am always available, i think we need a pro. thoughts?

3. feel free to add anything. i am just an angry mama bear and am willing to hear all stories and advice!

Thanks....

[Minxie]

I am going through this with my son's dad. He pays the CS faithfully but isn't all that interested in an actual relationship with our kid. I was angry with him at Christmas because he sent stuff that was completely inappropriate (for example, a 39 inch basketball hoop for a child who is already 48 inches tall); that is, I was until my sis reminded me I could return it.

Just today his dad called me for some info and promised to call DS this evening; it's now 10:30 and...no call. He is ruining his relationship with DS all on his own. I NEVER speak ill of him in DS's hearing; when he expresses wishes regarding his dad, I'll respond with something like, "Oh, that would be fun!" I've made it very clear that he can discuss his father with me should he so desire and sometimes he does. Sometimes I explain his dad's actions; sometimes I don't. I just don't want DS feeling like his dad is a taboo subject or that I am angry with his dad because it will reflect onto him and he will start to think I see him that way, as he is his father's child.

Sometimes it's difficult but I love my son so...I do what I have to, you know?

[sinsaratea]

Thanks for the response!

It's just so hard. I wish he would even just CALL her. But literally nothing for Christmas, call or otherwise. And he is so irrational, he will somehow blame me in the future if she gets wise to who he really is. This is the kind of guy who, when he was fairly communicative, would ignore calls for awhile, but when he needed me and I didn't pick up immediately would start accusing me of not picking up on purpose.

Whatever, I'm just going to continue to be super mom and he can lie in the bed he has made.

Best of luck to you, too!

[Minxie]

Yeah, I know what you mean. Just remember, living well is the best revenge. He is the one missing out on seeing your DD grow and mature.

My son, who regularly tells me that I am the BEST MOM EVAH, is not interested in talking to his dad if he can't see him in person. I ask him if he'd like to call his dad and he routinely says no. Today we had to go through the box o'stuff his dad sent for Christmas; two pair of shoes, a bunch of clothes, a plastic toy guitar (for a toddler), and the aforementioned basketball hoop. DS kept one pair of shoes and we carried the rest back to the store. Thankfully they refunded it to a gift card for us and we meandered through the store picking out things for DS that he actually wanted. It worked to our advantage as we ended up with about $350 worth of stuff for $135 thanks to the after-Christmas sales.

[PoppyMama]

This is my older kids dad.  My advice is to stop trying to get him to see your dd and start protecting her from him.  Unless he has visitation you cannot violate I would recommend telling him he has to show consistency before he can be in her life again.  I think (as a rule but I'm sure it's not always true) that it's better not to have a dad than to have one who pops in and out to make you feel more worthless.  I would recommend therapy starting now and continuing into the teens- I've heard play therapy is great.  I wish this is what I'd done instead of doing everything in my power to make him be there for them.  I've learned that I can't make anyone be someone they're not no matter how hard I try and how much I do for them.  I now have ds11 who yearns for his bio dad but won't talk about it at all because it hurts too much and he doesn't want to make anyone uncomfortable and a dd13 who chases him no matter how much he only pays lip service to being her parent and who has MAJOR daddy issues.  

[Everrgreen]

My stbx should have been an amazing father, he was a great person and so good with our nephews, but he had some sort of total mental breakdown.  He started spending all of his time at work when ds was only 4-5 months old, I later found out he was having an affair with an employee.  He left when ds was 10 months old, would drop in to see him once a week for an hour, then every couple of weeks, then once a month. My ds will be 2 this month and his father hasn't seen him since August.  I also haven't recieved any child support since May.  I am going to be taking him to court for child support and right after he was served he started emailing again about coming to see ds.  We'll see if ever does.  It is very heartbreaking and it infuriates me.  Thankfully ds is too young to even know someone in his life is missing.  But I know someday he will have questions.  No advice for you but I understand *hugs*