my lonliness is deafening

[lonley]

I am new to this forum. Today is Christmas Eve, and I was so stressed out the whole day. I felt so horrible that my child had to be with me. Me who is so stressed, overwhelmed, and lonely. We made little trips outside the home to buy cookies and carrots for Santa, to deliver a present for a friend. I dreaded coming home. Home, where I am my child's only entertainment. Home where my lonliness becomes deafening. I am so sad, so lonely, to the point where I can't even hide it from my child. My child looks over at me concerned all day. I sometimes think she would be so much better off with my ex husband. He has so much support from his parents and extended family. I literally have nobody. Any help I receive, I have to pay for, ie: babysitters. When I separated from my husband, I moved to the US from Asia with my child. I started anew. And I am lonely. It is just the two of us, so my child sticks to me and sometimes, I can't breath. i want to run away. I want space, I need someone I can just talk to. 

Tonight is Christmas Eve, and I'm crying, alone. I go down my contact list, and realize there's really no one who I could call, no one who I could really confide in. 

[dalia]

you are lonely, but you are not alone. I'm not a single mama, but sometimes, when I need strength, I look at these posts. I am in awe of the courage and strength here. I want to send you a little smiley hug but I can't figure out how to do it...

[cyanddrakesmom]

Your post inspired me to join today. This is the second Christmas I've been on my own with my 2 children. I know it's rough. I also know it's cliche to say that it's gets easier. But these past 2 years have shown me that I'm much stronger than I thought and, based on the fact that you had the courage to move across the globe without any help and are raising your daughter by yourself, you are stronger than you realize too. Merry Christmas and I hope your new year is filled with lots of love and laughter.

[Peppermint Leaf]

[lonley]

Thank you everyone for the wonderful comments. I thank the stars that we have the web and forums like these. At least I feel like I'm not the only one. 

And your right, it is a cliche isn't it, that it gets easier. I think we just get stronger, learn to let go of a lot of things and accept our situation more gracefully. 

I also know that sometimes i just don't want to be the strong one, and "I" get the better of me. I crumble and I just totally break down...like today/tonight. 

But now I have a place to come to on times like these. 

[mexicali mami]

Yup.  You're not alone.  I'm here too. Alone, on Christmas...my son is with his dad.  I'm not sure what is worse.  To be alone with my sadness or with my son.  Lonely, lonely, lonely...but and a big BUT .....they say it makes us stronger and builds character blah blah blah...I know people that don't know how to be alone, and I'm glad that I'm learning that and not clinging to an unhappy relationship out of fear of being alone.  Cheers to the world wide web for uniteing all the lonely people and finding peace in the fact that the are others like you.

[meemee]

hey mama. i am the same as you. from asia. with one child. and no family here whatsoever. HOWEVER i do have my ex here who is a coparent. 

awwww mama today the loneliness that sounds sooo deafening.... will be in the future the very thing you like about your life. 

my first xmas alone was the most horrible. 

today 6 years later i have created my own life, my own 'framily'. friends who have become like family. of all ages. people who look out for me and care for me as my parents did. 

i remember that first xmas i took dd for a walk in her stroller because the house was suffocating me. we got vanilla milk at the coffee shop and went for a long, long walk. it was soo freeing doing it. i am waiting for dd to come home from her dad's to go do it this afternoon. 

lots of hugs to you mama. i always tell whoever is in pain to get to know their pain. feel the very bottom of it, just sit and mourn and feel it. at least i found something profound just giving myself the freedom to sit and cry and imagine the worse instead  of running away from it. because what you feel now - the very depth you will never feel again. as life changes - provided you too continue to change instead of holding back... you will never be here again. ever. never to that depth. once i wiped my tears 6 years ago, and 4 years later put my fears aside - i have never felt them to that degree ever again. 

and that toddler who was suffocating me at times - esp. at 5 pm when i was DONE with parenting and ready to give her away... we are such a team. such a team. it is beyond a mother dd connection. its sooo much deeper. we speak and communicate so clearly without a word said. everything you do now has an impact on your relationship with your child. it brings tears to my eyes to hear my dd talk about me to others. how much she appreciates all that i do and for the struggles i go thru. of course upfront i would never hear that. its all about ma you are sooo unfair, ma you are not the boss of me and i hate you. lol but its all a reaction - not her real inside talking. 

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by lonley 

I am new to this forum. Today is Christmas Eve, and I was so stressed out the whole day. I felt so horrible that my child had to be with me. Me who is so stressed, overwhelmed, and lonely. We made little trips outside the home to buy cookies and carrots for Santa, to deliver a present for a friend. I dreaded coming home. Home, where I am my child's only entertainment. Home where my lonliness becomes deafening. I am so sad, so lonely, to the point where I can't even hide it from my child. My child looks over at me concerned all day. I sometimes think she would be so much better off with my ex husband. He has so much support from his parents and extended family. I literally have nobody. Any help I receive, I have to pay for, ie: babysitters. When I separated from my husband, I moved to the US from Asia with my child. I started anew. And I am lonely. It is just the two of us, so my child sticks to me and sometimes, I can't breath. i want to run away. I want space, I need someone I can just talk to. 

Tonight is Christmas Eve, and I'm crying, alone. I go down my contact list, and realize there's really no one who I could call, no one who I could really confide in. 

You weren't alone. I was feeling very lonely on Christmas eve too and I went to visit part of my family WITH my 3 children. You would think that I would have been so busy that I wouldn't have felt alone but I did. :(  I am dating someone right now and I felt mostly lonely because we aren't close enough to already spend holidays together so we weren't together and I missed him. But I also felt very strange because my husband and I had a nice little routine each year around the holidays, a week long trip somewhere fun with the kids as well as all the other stuff that people usually do at Christmas time and all that is gone now. :(  So I had a couple things to be sad about. I feel you. I know how it was. And now we have NYE coming up tomorrow. I will be at home with the kids. No one to go out with, can't go on a date because it's not my EX's night with the kids on Fridays.  So here I will be with my 3 children on NYE hopefully having a good time.