When the Dad doesn't agree with AP principles

[maba]

I strongly believe in Attachment Parenting my 14 wo. My husband on the other hand doesn't (he's not aware of the term or the principles). He is against co-sleeping, carrying my baby when he cries. He says I'm conditioning him to be spoilt. He thinks feeding him formula occasionally (when I am actually producing lot of milk) is fine. Oh, and he wants the baby to be introduced solid foods now. I chose to stay at home after baby was born. Dad has a demanding career and doesn't get to spend time with the baby and when he's home, he prefers to relax rather than play with baby. Have any of you dealt with a situation like this? How do/did you convince the dad about your way of parenting? 

P.S.: We come from a culture where AP is the norm without the parents being aware of such a term.

Edited by maba - 12/25/10 at 11:40am

[zebra15]

I dont think you can convince dad of AP anymore than dad can convince you of more mainstream parenting ways.  What I think you and your DH need is a meeting of sorts to discuss somethings. 

I need to run but I will either post more later, or maybe you will have more repsonses by then! 

[Meksmama]

Well my husband doesn't necessarily agree with it he goes along with it... He does agree with bf'ing (for the first year) and co-sleeping tends to happen regardless on his moaning and tossing... 

On the other hand our dd is 7 and our ds 2 1/2 never changed their diaper but once with our dd or played with them until they could talk and verbalize what they wanted and then really it still isn't playing its including them in what he is puttering with. He leaves the room when they cry and prefers not to be in the house. Constantly says I need to stop nursing our son but I just kind of ignore the comments and go on with my daily routine... When he comes home from work he doesn't play with them he either sits on computer or TV or goes back out to another job. (so I get that part of it I don't understand how dads don't interact with their children)

I don't think you can change him but maybe get a book or something for him to read explaining benefits of exclusive bf'ing, co-sleeping, baby wearing... talk to him about how you feel... tell him how feeding formula is a waste of money and not healthy since you are producing enough milk.

I don't believe you can "spoil" a baby as the term means to sit on a shelf and rot... 

HTH!

[maba]

@Meksmama: Wow, that could be my DH you're describing. He hasn't changed a single diaper yet and prefers to sit at the computer or watch TV when he comes home from work. I've noticed that my baby cries everytime DH picks him up and he immediately hands the baby to me or puts him in the bouncer. I really want baby to get used to his dad. Surprisingly, he is fine with strangers holding him. We went to a party recently and he was absolutely quiet when different people held him. May be I should start a new thread for this.

[Meksmama]

Maybe noone is seeing it because its not in a sub forum??  ((HUGS)) I wish I had more for you... 

[Adaline'sMama]

My DH is pretty pro AP, but we have had a lot of relatives who are against it. Personally, I would suggest some reading to him. I know you said his job is demanding, but maybe he would be more accepting if he knew more about it. I know there is a wiki on here somewhere with a huge list of links that would help you....if only I could find it.

[MrsBone]

DH isn't super AP, but he goes along with it. Plus, he's gone all day, rarely has time to spend with our DS, and I'm left with most of the housework/childcare. My biggest issue is getting sleep. If cosleeping means I get enough sleep(or close to enough) so I can be a good functional parent the next day, then that's just the way it's gotta be. I BFed DS until he was 22 months, but I only stopped then because I got PG. DH thought BFing after 1 year was weird, but he didn't seem to think it was that weird at the point I weaned. I think if we had gone past 2 or 2 1/2 he probably would have started to say stuff though. I think he just got used to it. He's a big mush, and tends to swoop in for fits and tantrums, trying to comfort DS, so that part I think he actually does a little more "AP" than me, because I'd prefer to discipline his behavior now that he's 2 and I don't want him learning that when he throws a tantrum, he gets more attention or gets what he wants. I don't know if that's AP or not but that's how I feel. Anyway..we are due with number 2 soon, and I don't know how that's going to change the dynamic, but probably if anything I'll become more AP than before and DH will just have to adapt! :)

[crunchy_mommy]

My DH didn't understand a thing about AP when DS was born, so I've been relating research & info I've found along the way. Almost every day I share an interesting fact with him (usually something I learned here!) He isn't the type to sit & read a parenting book or look at websites, so this is the best mode for me to share information with him. If your DH is into reading, get him some books... if he's into socializing, hook him up with a local AP dads group if you can find one... if he's a techie, send him websites & videos to check out... basically, figure out the best way to reach him & share the information you've found. I also think it would help if you sit down immediately & discuss which things are most important to you. For ex., I was clear with DH right off the bat that I didn't want DS left to cry, nor fed from a bottle, so I gave him the 'all clear' to drop baby in my lap whenever he was hungry or inconsolably fussy (your DH could possibly be trying to HELP you by giving your baby formula). I also said I NEEDED him to be in charge of diapers... that I was taking care of 100% of feeding DS, so I needed him to pitch in & change 100% of the diapers (when he's home, of course). But there were other things I tried to be more flexible on -- if DH wanted to put DS in a bouncer for 10 minutes, or push him in the stroller, or didn't want DS to nap on him, that was his choice (though it was sometimes hard to bite my tongue!) DS slept in our bed from birth but he stayed on my side of the bed & I only woke DH in the night if I really needed his help. Sleep was important to DH (not that it wasn't important to me too, but I was able to function at some level either way, and he wasn't). So you need to figure out what things are most important to each of you, and make it not just about "following AP" but about meeting your needs, DH's needs, and baby's needs... I don't feel like I'm being very clear here with what I mean, hopefully it makes some sense...

Anyway... fast forward, my DS is 23mos now and DH has been wearing him in the Moby (and is excited to try the Ergo I got for Christmas!) He is much more responsive to DS's needs & they have a wonderful bond. Some things still need work... DH is much slower about giving him something to eat upon request, so DS will come running to me instead... or DH won't notice he pooped (not sure how he doesn't SMELL it....) but overall he is awesome & tries so, so hard. DS now snuggles up to him for part of the night, it's so cute. For DH, he really needed 1) education -- about normal baby things, needs, AP, etc.; 2) space -- to figure out his own way of parenting; 3) time -- to adjust to fatherhood, to bond, to see what an amazing person DS is becoming. It helped a ton to be clear with DH about MY needs -- i.e. "I can't relax & enjoying reading this book if I know DS is crying & sad," so then he'd make extra effort to keep DS content so I could enjoy a few minutes to myself. Or, "I get painfully engorged if DS doesn't eat when he's hungry," so he would make sure to give him to me to nurse him.... things like that -- because at this point, it may be easier for your DH to meet YOUR needs (since that's hopefully something he's already been doing) than to calm this baby he hardly knows or, even harder, to conform to some 'principle' he doesn't understand, you know?

[pianojazzgirl]

Your ds is only 14 wks.  I wouldn't give up on dh yet.  I'd encourage you not to think "oh, that's just the way he is... I'll have to do all the baby care".  I think he needs to step up and start getting more involved in parenting your child.  JMO of course, but in my relationship there is no way that would fly.  Moms who stay at home with a little baby are working ALL DAY.  Dads who go out to work are working all day too (minus lunch and breaks I guess).  Both parents need and deserve "me time", "down time" or whatever you want to call it.  If my dh thought he should come home from work, not do anything with the baby (no diaper changing?!?!) and then get to veg out watching tv or surfing the net all evening I'd be mightily peeved let me tell you.  I wouldn't let this slide.  I'd be having some serious talks about how he's a parent too and he needs to be involved in his child's life.

Then theres the AP thing.  It seems to me like the more involved you are with your baby the more sense AP makes.  I can totally see a dad who isn't doing any parenting not being able to see the benefits of co-sleeping, nursing, etc.  I think if he starts becoming more involved that will likely go a long way towards being able to "make your point" re. AP.  And if he chooses to not be an involved parent then I don't really see where he should get off telling you not to hold your (tiny infant!) son when he cries.  Co-sleeping is slightly different as it involves him too inasmuch as either he'll be co-sleeping too, or you'll be in different beds.  For me it would be worth sleeping in a different bed from my dh to co-sleep with my infant, but that's a matter of personal choice - just something you need to figure out for yourself, and with dh.  The nursing relationship is between you and your ds (JMO again!) and, while your dh can certainly voice his opinion that formula now and then is fine, it doesn't mean you have to go along with that.  I guess I'd try talking to him to see why he's interested in giving formula.  If it was that he wants to be able to give the baby a bottle, maybe you would want to consider pumping some milk towards that end.  But ultimately that's up to you.

Neither dh or I knew much about AP when our dd was born, but I gravitated towards it naturally.  Dh took some convincing re CIO, extended nursing etc.  What worked in my favour is that dh is lazy and didn't want to do his own research.  I could just tell him about something I'd read and say that's the way I wanted to do it (for XYZ reasons).  Since he wasn't doing any reading himself he was happy to go along with what I'd found out.  

Good luck mama!

[maba]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and give me your valuable suggestions. DH basically doesn't like being told how to do anything...so explaining to him, sending him links about AP is out of the question. Also, he's an introvert, so joining an AP dad's group won't work too. He hasn't mentioned anything about formula again as he knows how I feel about BF. As for co-sleeping, I sleep with DS while DH sleeps in another room. Picking up the baby when he cries is something we're still working on. Right now, my mum is helping me at home with the baby, so between the two of us, one of us is taking care of or carrying the baby when he needs to be carried. But once she leaves shortly, I'm not sure how DH and I'll handle it. He still hasn't changed a diaper (going back to point one - he doesn't like being told what to do) and will never do it until he feels himself that he wants to do it. And I haven't mastered baby-wearing yet. As of now, it looks like I'll just have to be persistent and give it time.

[The4OfUs]

OK, so my husband didn't do much baby care at all when our kids were tiny (he probably changed 5 diapers total between both kids).  What he DID do, though, is pick up the slack on the housework and cooking so that I was freed up to do baby stuff, AND supported/went along with AP principles I embraced.  It won't work for everyone, but really worked for us.  He was very uncomfortable/unsure with infant care, and that was OK with me because since he did most everything else, I could focus on that..and I didn't see the point in pushing him to do something he was really uncomfortable with, since he was taking on all the other stuff to make up for it.  He would take care of them when I needed him to, but mostly was the play time/snuggle time guy with them up until they got more interactive/walking/talking, in toddlerhood.  He LOVED them, NO question.  And he didn't ignore them, but I did all the diapering/feeding/babywearing/dressing/bathing/nursing to sleep/nightwaking as infants.  It sounds bizarre, but really worked for us.  He doted on them and played with them and read to them, but I did most of the grunt work baby wise.  He did the cooking, cleaning, laundry (and worked full time).  I worked at home full time after 3 months for both kids.  So, both our plates were FULL, and we went with our strengths.  My strength was baby care, his strength was house care and wife care . 

Once they became toddlers and their day to day care needs weren't so intense, he took on more of a caretaker role and they became thick as thieves and now the three of them are the best of buddies, bonded as any parent-child pair I know of, and he cares for them just as I would.  We swap out care seamlessly, and have since they each were about 18 months old or so.

All of that is to say, don't despair.  If he doesn't want to do things the way you do, but will support you by helping out a lot in other ways, I'd take that and let them ease into their relationship as he gets older.  If, however, he doesn't want to spend time with the baby at all and is unwilling to compromise on the caregiving, that's a different issue that needs to be addressed.

Good luck!

[Belia]

Your DH sounds like a tough nut to crack.  He doesn't like what you're doing, but it sounds like he's not really stepping up to the plate with too many viable alternatives.  

It sounds like he is just saying "No, no, no" to everything.  So I would just do what I thought was right.  If he ever complained or told me that what I was doing was wrong, I would simply ask, "Then what do you suggest?"

If he can't answer that, then I would say something like, "Well, this is what I think is best based on the reading I've done and my own mama instincts."

If he does come up with an alternative that might work, then I would take it into consideration.

If he comes up with something that you know is wrong (i.e. starting solids at 14 weeks ) then I would say, "Well, according to all of the research I've done, that isn't a good idea.  If you feel strongly about it, then bring me some information about that and we'll sit down and talk about it.  But until then, DC and I are doing ok the way we are."

If your DH is anything like my DH, he'll never take the time to actually gather his facts.  He's too lazy.    If he kept nagging me without doing any of the legwork, I would simply keep repeating "Well, gather some research and we'll talk.  But I don't want to talk until I'm sure we know what we're talking about."  Put the responsibility on his to prove himself... not on you to justify what you're doing.

And it would. not. fly. in this house for DH to not carry his weight in childcare.  No way.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Belia 

And it would. not. fly. in this house for DH to not carry his weight in childcare.  No way.

You know, I almost didn't reply, because it sounds so horrible just writing it out.  In real life, mine is one of the more equitable marriages I know of in my group of friends, as far as us each pulling our weight in doing things that need to be done, and as far as my husband's view of my worth and competence as a wife/mother/human being (he thinks I'm pretty awesome, ftr).  We split the housework fairly evenly, we rarely fight over who is doing what (we each have tendencies towards slobbishness so we have to keep each other in check), we each get time to go out with friends when we want.....my friends often complain that their husbands just sit on their asses and don't do anything, or don't appreciate them, or give them grief when they want to go hang with friends, or complain about lack of attention when they have young kids, or complain about their bodies not being the same, and I.......can't imagine living like that.  So it seems so weird to me that the arrangement I typed up worked so well for us (in such a very traditional-gender-role-stereotype way), because I expect him to pull his weight in every other way in our marriage (and his mother is anything BUT a traditionally gender roled woman), but it just....did. In the beginning because of nursing I was pretty wiped out and he naturally picked up all the house stuff, and it just kind of evolved from there because we each saw where we were good, and where we were lacking so we just went with what worked.  And what DIDN'T work for any of us was DH struggling with a screaming baby to do something that I could do in half the time with no tears.  That made us all stressed out and grumpy.  And I saw no reason to force him into "learning his way" when they were babies, as I knew he was an involved, engaged man and as they got older they would definitely bond.  And, as predicted, they did, and he cares for them regularly, does bed/bathtime as much as I do, takes them to school and activities, feeds them without me involved...basically, he does his share now of childcare.  So now I do less childcare and more housework, and he does less housework and more childcare. 

As I said the first time - it's bizarre (for our otherwise very equitable relationship), and it wouldn't work for everyone, but it really worked for us.    I think it *did* work for us because I knew what kind of man he was, which was not a chauvanistic chowderhead that would expect me to do it ALL while still "pleasing" him.  THAT is something that would never fly in my household.  I knew as time moved on and the logistics changed, so would the arrangement.  And it did.  So I guess I knew him pretty well after all! 
 

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs 

OK, so my husband didn't do much baby care at all when our kids were tiny (he probably changed 5 diapers total between both kids).  What he DID do, though, is pick up the slack on the housework and cooking so that I was freed up to do baby stuff, AND supported/went along with AP principles I embraced.  It won't work for everyone, but really worked for us.  He was very uncomfortable/unsure with infant care, and that was OK with me because since he did most everything else, I could focus on that..and I didn't see the point in pushing him to do something he was really uncomfortable with, since he was taking on all the other stuff to make up for it.  He would take care of them when I needed him to, but mostly was the play time/snuggle time guy with them up until they got more interactive/walking/talking, in toddlerhood.  He LOVED them, NO question.  And he didn't ignore them, but I did all the diapering/feeding/babywearing/dressing/bathing/nursing to sleep/nightwaking as infants.  It sounds bizarre, but really worked for us.  He doted on them and played with them and read to them, but I did most of the grunt work baby wise.  He did the cooking, cleaning, laundry (and worked full time).  I worked at home full time after 3 months for both kids.  So, both our plates were FULL, and we went with our strengths.  My strength was baby care, his strength was house care and wife care . 

Once they became toddlers and their day to day care needs weren't so intense, he took on more of a caretaker role and they became thick as thieves and now the three of them are the best of buddies, bonded as any parent-child pair I know of, and he cares for them just as I would.  We swap out care seamlessly, and have since they each were about 18 months old or so.

All of that is to say, don't despair.  If he doesn't want to do things the way you do, but will support you by helping out a lot in other ways, I'd take that and let them ease into their relationship as he gets older.  If, however, he doesn't want to spend time with the baby at all and is unwilling to compromise on the caregiving, that's a different issue that needs to be addressed.

Good luck!

I think you've got a good point. DH & I haven't been married that long (going on 5 years) but things have evolved & changed a lot in that short time. We do go through periods of time where one of us is almost exclusively responsible for one part of our life (whether it's childcare, making money, or housework) and at times I really struggled with this -- not because DH wasn't pulling his weight, but because I felt like *I* wasn't. But in reality, we each had different issues & strengths & different circumstances, and we each were (are!) doing the best we can do do help our family function & be happy. It doesn't have to be 50/50 for everything unless you want it to be.

So OP.... While I first felt appalled that your DH hasn't yet changed a diaper after 3.5 months, I do think there are situations where this can be acceptable, maybe even the best solution. If your DH is doing a lot to keep your household functioning, maybe it is OK for him not to be overly involved in childcare. But if he's not pulling his weight at all, that's a whole different issue (and it wasn't clear from your post whether or not that's the case). Also, I would be concerned if he had absolutely NO interest in doing anything with his baby -- not playing with him, talking to him, won't touch him, etc. because I'd wonder if he had some kind of male version of PPD or something. But barring either of those circumstances, I would just show by example & make sure you or your mom is there to respond to your DS, and if your DH wants to do things differently than he can bring you the research supporting his position & you can discuss each issue together.

[LDSmomma]

I worried DH would be the same, so I was proactive during pregnancy.  My DH won't read anything I suggest to him, so offering books was a waste of time.  He figures I hand pick books that are on my "side" and he also figures there are books on every position, so it's a waste of time.  So, I built a supportive group of family and friends around us.  We go to LLL couples meetings, and he can see that these other mamas and daddies do the same things we do.  I discuss with him some crazy things I think some mainstream mamas are doing, trying to show how out of control it is, to encourage him that our son is turning out great with our parenting style.  We also have friends that practice AP, and we visit with them so he can see their lifestyle.  

DH's biggest problem was that he thought it was weird.  Once I showed him that it's not weird, lots of people babywear, or bedshare, he got over it.