Unequal gifting for SN children?

[anj_rn]

I am really upset.  Lats year my DH's extended family were very unequal in their gift giving for my kids.  My NT child got tons of presents and my DD got 2.  My SIL suggested that maybe they did not know what to get her.  This year I included weblinks, stores, and a wide variety of prices on DDs list.  It happened again.  DD is 20 months old, but functioning at about 4 months.  Once again, DS got tons of cool presents, DD got one from each aunt.  2 were completely inappropriate (marked for a 3 year old), and the other was a wax candle nativity (with the $2 price tag still on it).

We are not huge on material things, and I would be fine if the kids only got one or 2 things each, but seeing DS (and his cousins) all get tons of cool gifts, and DD being left out really hurts my feelings.  DS noticed the discrepancy this year and started asking questions.  I distracted him because I did not know what to say.  They do this at birthdays too. Attend DS's party or send a gift, ignore DD's birthday.

Anyone else have this problem? What would you do?  At this point I want to refuse to go and tell them that gifts are not needed in the future. 

[Rani]

To be honest, I would let the family know that it hurts your feelings. That YOU notice even if the child does not.  I would let your DS ask questions but tell him to ask THEM.  that is rude and hurtful of them.

[PikkuMyy]

That's really frustrating and infuriating. I can understand last year but since you included many ideas of things that would be great, they may just think that since she doesn't understand presents and holidays in the same way that your son does, it doesn't matter. I don't know your family or what your relationship is like with them, but I think it may be time to say something. Have you talked to them about your daughter's issues, and what she's like as a person or do they not really know her at all? Are they the kind of people you can talk to honestly about something like this?

If not, perhaps one route would be to request gifts that benefit the family in the future - gift cert. to a store or restaurant, passes to a children's museum, etc. so that both children benefit from the presents?

I had a client for many years and despite knowing a lot about his diagnosis (autism) and spending a fair amount of time with the family, his grandmother always got him the most inappropriate gifts. Like an analog baseball clock when he turned 5. He didn't like to play or watch baseball, he didn't even read digital time yet, let alone analog. Or this stuffed dog that was clearly 30 years old with a hole in it so that he could pull out the stuffing.

[KCMichigan]

Originally Posted by Rani 

To be honest, I would let the family know that it hurts your feelings. That YOU notice even if the child does not.  I would let your DS ask questions but tell him to ask THEM. 

I also think that they need to hear it from your DS. Direct his questions to them....he is young and is honest rather than upset (like you are). They may look at it differently 'through the voice of a child'.

In casual conversations too, mention the items that you think would make good gifts for your DD. I do this often w/ MIL- so we get gifts that are age appropriate and things they will use (we have a wish list, but she does not check it often). I find the more they know what my girls like, the more likely the gifts will reflect that.

I would have whom ever the 'relation' is (you or your spouse/partner) speak to the relatives.

Often if people are unsure what to do they do nothing....not meaning to be rude, but rather a state of inertia.

I would also send out a few weeks before Bday/Holiday an email or letter containing a 'wish' list for both kids (or the birthday child). That way there is no confusion.

[Kreeblim]

I am not in any way saying that you are totally off here with your interpretation of what is happening, but when thinking about what happens in our household I think maybe it could be a more complex mix of issues.  We have two older kids (5 and 6), a 2 year old with SPD and PDD-NOS, and a baby.  DH and I had about 6 gifts for each kid (Legos for the older, and Duplos for my 2 year old...one large set for each and then some little ones) but when it came to the baby...well...there just aren't many things he likes.   He plays with the toys the older kids have already, and isn't actually interested in specific activities like the older ones are (he's 11 months, so there are many toys we could have bought).   He ended up with 3 smallish gifts which is half of what any of the others got, and that was actually from US (Mommy and Daddy). 

My elder kids got HUGE awesome gifts from my extended family, including telescopes, keyboards, and lots of art supplies.  The baby got two little stuffed animals.  Since he is not special needs (my 2 year old is, and he got just as much stuff as the older kids) I'm more inclined to interpret it as an age and intent thing rather than any kind of bias against your DD.  I know when I pick out gifts for a child, I am thinking "Oh man they are going to be SO excited when they see this!" and if your DD is not at the functional age where that is the case, it would be really hard to pick something, even if there were suggestions from the parents.  People look at gifts in very different ways, and they may just be the type that think that gifts for the children are FOR the children, and therefore the older kids who have actual wants and interests will naturally get more stuff with no intention of hurting your feelings in the slightest.  This is the way people operate in our family, and though I would be HORRIBLY offended if this had happened with two older children who both have defined interests and specific wants, I would never even think twice about such a disparity between a NT 4 year old and a 1.5 year old who functions at the level of a 4 month old.  

I would definitely have your husband talk to them about your feelings because it did genuinely hurt you, but I know I would be immediately defensive and angry if i was confronted with any implication AT ALL that a disparity in gift buying was caused by some underlying bias I have towards a small child's disability.  

[bandgeek]

Ugh, that sucks.  Sorry. :(  My parents are pretty good about the gift stuff, even though DD is SO difficult to buy for (I have a hard time of it too and I'm her mom!).  But the other side of the family...not so much.  They've pretty much distanced themselves from DD, even her dad doesn't really see her anymore.  I get that it's hard, but c'mon!  One easter, her dad sent over an easter basket with chocolate in it.  Umm...she has a feeding tube for a reason!  Along with other inappropriate gifts.  But yeah, you can't count on gifts from them for her (even though DS gets plenty) and they don't even try to come see her.  I do take her to see them from time to time, but not in the winter. She can't be in the house with them because of the dogs and the smoke.  They just don't TRY.  Bugs the hell out of me.

I think you've done all you can really.  If they choose not to be a bigger part in your DD's life that's their loss, not her's and quite honestly, if they don't care enough about her to acknowledge big events like her b-day, she's better off without them.  I'd let them know how you feel and if they are flippant about it I'd choose not to go. 

And to be perfectly honest, with these kinds of brain injuries, I don't think the kids' cognitive abilities are nearly as damaged as their ability to move normally.  My DD has about as much control over her body as a newborn, but she understands most of what we say, and through eye gaze we've determined she knows her colors and recognizes basic objects.  She even understands humor.  We can ask her yes and no questions and get responses from her.  People who don't spend a lot of time with her assume she's like a newborn in every way, but as far as I'm concerned, she's a normal 3 year old trapped in a body that doesn't work.  So the excuse "she doesn't know any different" doesn't freaking fly with me. 

[askew]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I would say, you should totally say something. But in reality, I can't do that either. My DH's dad and step mom are clueless about gifts. They don't single out my SN dd, they are clueless all around. They send dd toys that their older granddaughter stopped playing with, like one old doll for her first birthday. They give my ds a baby toy for his 3rd birthday. I get angry- but I just let it go. I have tried sending them wish list, they don't look at it. So I give up. My side of the family more than makes up for it, as they listen to directions well. ;) 

Maybe ask them to get her giftcards, and then you can pick out toys she will love. Or ask them for clothes. People love to pick out girl clothes. 

[anj_rn]

Thank you all for your support. 

Bandgeek - we are just recently starting to see some cognition changes (looking for things as we say them).  I really like your outlook on cognition vs. body control.  If you do not mind my asking, how severe was your DD's injury (EEG changes? gray/white matter differentiation?)  We have an area support group for TBIs, but all the members have older kids and most were NT until an accident around school age.  My DD had an anoxic injury @ 4 months & we still have the trach & g-tube @ 21 months.

Askew - we always ask for clothes.  Part of my being upset was all the other kids got a pair of pajamas, but my DD did not.  I know it can be difficult to pick out toys, but she still wears clothes.

I think for now I will let it slide and not worry about it.  My husband and I discussed it and he thinks I should have just let my son ask about the discrepancy and see what they said.  Next year I think I will take a little time to explain her physical limitations and cognitive abilities.  Maybe with more information, they would be able to understand where I am coming from.

[bandgeek]

Originally Posted by anj_rn 

Thank you all for your support. 

Bandgeek - we are just recently starting to see some cognition changes (looking for things as we say them).  I really like your outlook on cognition vs. body control.  If you do not mind my asking, how severe was your DD's injury (EEG changes? gray/white matter differentiation?)  We have an area support group for TBIs, but all the members have older kids and most were NT until an accident around school age.  My DD had an anoxic injury @ 4 months & we still have the trach & g-tube @ 21 months.

Askew - we always ask for clothes.  Part of my being upset was all the other kids got a pair of pajamas, but my DD did not.  I know it can be difficult to pick out toys, but she still wears clothes.

I think for now I will let it slide and not worry about it.  My husband and I discussed it and he thinks I should have just let my son ask about the discrepancy and see what they said.  Next year I think I will take a little time to explain her physical limitations and cognitive abilities.  Maybe with more information, they would be able to understand where I am coming from.

I don't know anything about her mri's or ct scans, white matter,ect other than it being global.  Her brain injury was severe though.  She has almost zero ability to swallow (she does sometimes, but half of her saliva goes directly into her lungs when she does, we suction her constantly), almost no head control (what she has she JUST got at age 3), and obviously cannot sit up or anything.  Cognitively, she's done very well, all things considered.  Her first year she slept a TON.  So we didn't get to see the "real" her that much.  Her vision was just horrible.  But all of that has improved.  She sees better and hears better.  She smiles and squeals at appropriate times.  She lifts her arm to "wave" hi and bye.  She has favorites and it changes as she gets older.  She used to prefer elmo, now she loves dora.  She seems to know her colors.  She DOES appear more aware than other kids I've met with similar physical disabilities.  I consider us lucky in that respect.

Here is my blog, if you'd like to read more about her.