buying clothes question

[downofathistle]

Hi, everyone.  I've signed in with a different username in case my STBX decides to search with my old one.  I've never posted in this forum before, but have peeked in randomly over the last couple of years and appreciate all the information.  I have 2 boys - 4 and 8yo.  It was my decision to separate, but he thinks we should have tried harder and harbors a good deal of anger, though he shows it mostly passive aggressively.  

We went to mediators and had a pretty good MOU.  An ongoing issue is coming up about what clothes he needs to buy to have at his house.  He seems to think that because I'm getting child support, I should be supplying everything, including basics like boots, gloves, and coats.  He says I said he didn't have to bother getting boots and coats because it's silly to have two sets, but I don't remember that.  My worry is that he's going to return the things wet and I won't be able to get them dry in time for school.  Plus, I feel like he should have to bother getting them clothes because it takes time and it's something he should do.  The last time he brought it up I gave him half of what I have in the basement for boots/shoes/coats from garage sales while we were married.  I told him I'd give him half of the $20 I spent on the stuff and he said no, he wanted the things.  So he got the items.  He came today and wanted everything again.  I understand that they have to wear something to his house, and things have come home okay so far, but I don't want to set a precendent of it being my job to supply everything.  

So what I'm wondering is what is typical and is my ego taking over?  TY! :)

[JBaxter]

My boys only had one set.  My X always returned the coats, boots hats etc.  There may have been a rare hat or gloves that didnt come back every time but in general we did not repeat large times.  He did have clothes, pj's socks underwear that were at his house and rotated back and forth.    He was pretty good about sending special things back if I asked ( holiday clothes, dress clothes for special  occassions etc).    I think he did keep an extra hoodie/zip sweat shirt for when the weather transitioned but only one winter coat/ one pair of boots

[hillymum]

Until this month I was supplying all of the clothes as though they were going on mini vacations. SBX wasn't learning to buy clothes suitable for the weather or buying clothes in the right size so I decided to throw him in the deep end. He now has to supply everything. I do, however, send the kids off in suitable clothing including hats and winter coats.

[rubelin]

My boys have one set of clothing, that go back between our 2 homes. I do most of the purchasing, all of the washing and maintaining and he pays for at least half of it (usually most of it, from bonus checks) which is separate from child support. It's not a huge expense over the year since my youngest rarely gets new clothing (I save everything from the oldest (mine are also 4 years apart) and we get occasional hand-me-downs from other friends with older kids). We also live in Los Angeles, so we don't have the expense of winter outerwear but I can't imagine we'd do it much differently if we did. I think it helps all of us to consider their clothing to be "theirs" and not belonging to whichever parent they happen to be with. It is a little easier for us, since Daddy lives next door, and it does take some attention on my part to make sure that everything is accounted for, but I think it helps the kids to have consistency when so much in their life isn't consistent.

When they go to Daddy's, I send them with enough outfits for the time frame, so one or two for a weekend, but if it's just for overnight, I send them in their jammies with no other clothes (they just walk next door after dinner and walk back over here after breakfast). I do need to remind him to bring back their dirty clothes, but that's getting better now that my oldest is 10 and is taking more responsibility for his stuff.

[downofathistle]

Okay, so it's my ego.  I guess my biggest issue is that I expect his passive aggressiveness will spill over into clothes and I'll get wet things and be told I'm overreacting when one of them doesn't have dry boots.  And it also plays into my anger (which is recent because he made changes from the mou in the separation agreement) about him wanting me to basically go broke paying for the boys and their school (and after school care which he/his lawyer put in the agreement should be all my responsibility).  He seems he doesn't want to deal with life, just play with them a bit.  Today he took ds2 to the dr. and found out he had strep (only took him because he had too since it was his day and the dr. said to come in because of bum problems), didn't get ds1 checked even though he was sick yesterday, and refused to go back in the bldg to get ds1 checked because he didn't want to wait.  He said I'd have to do it.  So, I'm feeling used, tired, and raw, but I'll get over it.  TY mamas.  

[vannienicole]

Childcare is separate from child support.  You guys should be halving that.  Clothes....we both buy them.  Probably me more than him, but we do share.  The clothes are the kids' clothes, not my ex's and mine.  Special stuff bought by one parent is returned.  Every now and again, the kids are sent in inappropriate clothes, but he's gotten better throughout the two years we have been apart.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by downofathistle 

Okay, so it's my ego.  I guess my biggest issue is that I expect his passive aggressiveness will spill over into clothes and I'll get wet things and be told I'm overreacting when one of them doesn't have dry boots.  And it also plays into my anger (which is recent because he made changes from the mou in the separation agreement) about him wanting me to basically go broke paying for the boys and their school (and after school care which he/his lawyer put in the agreement should be all my responsibility).  He seems he doesn't want to deal with life, just play with them a bit.  Today he took ds2 to the dr. and found out he had strep (only took him because he had too since it was his day and the dr. said to come in because of bum problems), didn't get ds1 checked even though he was sick yesterday, and refused to go back in the bldg to get ds1 checked because he didn't want to wait.  He said I'd have to do it.  So, I'm feeling used, tired, and raw, but I'll get over it.  TY mamas.  

Has the decree been signed?  If not I think you should contest that and have him pay a percentage of the childcare.  Do you have an attorney?  They should be able to help you figure out the appropriate percentage based on both of your incomes and the amount of child support being ordered.  Some states only order a percentage for child support, but where I live they calculate support, daycare, and health care based automatically.  I think you should check to see if it is the same there.  If it isn't then you should have it put in your order that all child care and health expenses, including premiums, are to be shared equally among both parties.

[Goodmom2008]

How often does he have the kids?  If it is only EOW with a dinner during the week, then I would just pack a bag of clothes for the week-end.  The only time that I would refuse to send clothes is if they don't get returned. 

If he has them half the time, he should be paying for the clothes at his place.  When does he return the kids?  If it's the night before school, put their coats in the dryer when they get home if they are wet.  That's what I do with my kids. 

[BabyBearsMummy]

DDs clothes were frequently (nearly every visit) not returned by my ex. His passive aggressiveness at play. DD was often upset clothing items were at daddy's. Parents are required here to supply adequate clothing for their parenting time. Fed up my exs behaviour I went out with my DD and we bought two outfits of "daddy clothing" only to be worn during exchanges. My ex "loved" this and seems to think I should keep supplying outfits on my very limited income. Meanwhile he make about 10x my income and says he cannot afford to.  

[singin'intherain]

I provided ex with a stack of clothes for each kid. Everything is gleaned from yard sales, so not a big deal. No-one has to pack or worry about sending things back. My ex is also one of those who thinks that the child support he pays is a fortune, and goes into a huff if he needs to buy them something. Once when he bought sweatshirts for the kids, he got upset when they didn't choose those particular ones when they went for their next visit. Next time he was at my house, he took the sweatshirts home, and I haven't seen them since. Meh. Who cares?

[haydn'smommy]

I tend to find the good deals so I've provided clothes at STBX's house. DS1 spends EOW and one weeknight there so he has 4 pjs and 4 outfits, 2 extra shirts, 4 underwear and 4 socks that I provided. STBX has bought him 2 more footie pjs and a nice coat (he actually bought him 2 coats and gave one to me). DS2 does not have overnights but he's little so he might need changes and he has 3 outfits there. When I get summer stuff bought (I get FFS from online friends, hit yard sales and thrift stores) then I'll share some stuff with STBX. I don't mind doing this cause I tend to way overbuy for home plus it's for my kids; I'd do anything to make sure my kids are well cared for. Thankfully, I have a good job and make enough money to be able to.

[greenemami]

Jumping in from blended families...we buy and keep plenty of clothes for dsd at our house, but we share the jacket/boots/snowpants that her mom purchased.  We originally bought duplicates of those as well, but in the end they would get worn maybe once a year and it just wasn't worth it.  As far as I know her mom doesn't mind and always sends her in her winter coat with boots and pants when necessary. 

As far as regular clothes, we wash the things from her mom's house and send them back in dsd's bag on a regular basis, as does her mom with our things and it seems to work well for all of us. 

[Oh the Irony]

Flexible here. When he has more money or someone gives him hand  me downs then he has them at his house. If not then I pack some stuff and fortunately it normally makes it back right away. Occassionaly he forgets to send a coat or shoes back that we need but he lives close enough that he'll bring it by.

[hillymum]

I just wanted to add to my post that after 5 months of being nice and packing clothes I am sick and tired (and broke) thanks to clothes either not being returned, a substitute being supplied (size 10 ladies pants for our 11yr old son) or being returned damaged or totally unusable. I'm following my attornies (and friends) advice and not sending the boys with anything other than the clothes on their backs (which still includes suitable footware and winter coats etc).

[downofathistle]

The boys are generally at his house only one night a week, but occassionally more. This week they are there for 2 nights, back with me for a 2 nights, and then with him for 2 nights again.  I gave him shirts, pants, underwear and socks when he moved out a few months ago.  Right now he is returning the clothes they go to his house in (washed), but I guess I didn't realize it was my job to continue to supply him with clothes.  I honestly wouldn't have a problem passing clothes that I get inexpensively to him, except that his entitlement to them is quite a turn off.  And then, what if I happened to find sweat pants at garage sales.  Would he still expect me to have to buy them at a store for him?  

The only paperwork we have signed right now is the MOU and we're working on the separation agreement.  It's not going to be pretty, since he took the liberty to change some things, I'm going to ask for him to pay half of private school (which is necessary right now for my son who is on the spectrum but too high functioning to qualify for services) and and a quarter of aftercare.  Right now he's offered 25% of tuition.  

[Marsupialmom]

To be very honest, it is very hard for non-custodial parents to keep the right size clothes in their home --- This is for EOW.  That does not mean they should not help purchase them but it pretty petty if the kids have to have two different wardrobes. But then again I have seen some people do petty things on both sides.  

Hats, gloves, coats, shoes are easiest maintained by custodial parent - if the other parent wants more than one set avialable it is their responciblity.   I do think things like swim suits should be a set at each home.  Parents need to remember these clothes are the kids clothes, not their and quit the petty stuff (not saying OP is petty). 

An 11 year old should be able to maintain and pack his own bags. I would question my 11 why those underwear were there. It could have been his own carelessness.  I have sent all of my kids off to summer camps and they can master bringing all clothes back and forth.  It is reasonable to expect the same of your children.  

Edited by Marsupialmom - 12/27/10 at 3:09pm

[downofathistle]

I've been thinking about this still and here's the thing.  First, it honestly never occurred to me that it would be my responsibility to supply sbx with boy things at his house beyond taking things initially.  Our separation has been relatively amicable and I always expected that he would, in the future, buy toys to keep there (knowing that favorite things would travel back and forth of course).  It seems that by packing a bag every weekend, my kids would be "visiting" with him instead of "living" with him for a bit.  Shouldn't his house be theirs?  With things of theirs there?  Knowing they can move things back and forth as they please?

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by downofathistle 

I've been thinking about this still and here's the thing.  First, it honestly never occurred to me that it would be my responsibility to supply sbx with boy things at his house beyond taking things initially.  Our separation has been relatively amicable and I always expected that he would, in the future, buy toys to keep there (knowing that favorite things would travel back and forth of course).  It seems that by packing a bag every weekend, my kids would be "visiting" with him instead of "living" with him for a bit.  Shouldn't his house be theirs?  With things of theirs there?  Knowing they can move things back and forth as they please?

I think you should tell him that in just that way, especially if things are mostly amicable right now.  Maybe he will see it the same way once you point that out and bring the kids to pick some special things out to keep at just his house. 

[haydn'smommy]

Originally Posted by downofathistle 

I've been thinking about this still and here's the thing.  First, it honestly never occurred to me that it would be my responsibility to supply sbx with boy things at his house beyond taking things initially.  Our separation has been relatively amicable and I always expected that he would, in the future, buy toys to keep there (knowing that favorite things would travel back and forth of course).  It seems that by packing a bag every weekend, my kids would be "visiting" with him instead of "living" with him for a bit.  Shouldn't his house be theirs?  With things of theirs there?  Knowing they can move things back and forth as they please?

I see where you are coming from. This was why I was adamant that my boys have clothes, pjs, toys, etc of their own at their dad's house. When I was a kid, I would visit my dad and I'd pack a suitcase to go, I didn't have my own room or space, and I wasn't allowed to leave ANYTHING (not even a toothbrush). I never felt at home there and always felt like a visitor. I hated it. I didn't/don't want that for my boys. So, when STBX moved out, I packed up things for the boys and sent with him. That said, they have 1 set of gloves, hats, and coats that they wear back and forth from house to house (and to daycare, etc). I didn't see the point in 2 sets; it just seemed like a waste.

STBX buys things for them (he bought some footie PJs for the oldest cause he was complaining of cold feet at night recently) but I'll very likely replace the winter stuff with summer stuff when it's time because I have hand me downs for the baby and some FFS stuff I got from a friend for the oldest. STBX can supplement what I give him if he wants to. And, we rotate the clothes in that what the kids wear there gets let there and added to their clothing there and stuff from dad's gets worn back to my house and gets laundered and put away here. There's definitely no "this is for at your dad's house" kind of stuff.

[Marsupialmom]

I the problem is when there is stuff that can only be at one persons house.  No back and forth.  

You can't take your favorite PJ's because that is your close for here.  It should be a fluid back and forth.  Yes, the child should have their own space but that doesn't mean there is never a bag packed.  

We have friends that had issues with biomom (biomom since has lost custody and visitation rights) but their then 13 year old could not take make-up or curling irons back and forth.  She had to have 2 sets of everything when she wanted just 1 set. There was no fluidity in the wardrobe. They had issues of how much do they buy?  She was only there 2-3 days eow - if biomom didn't take her someplace instead of visitation.  She got very frustrated with the lack of selections and option.  Also, if she got a cute new pair of shoes she couldn't take it home.  She tore tennis shoes once and her mom made her take them off and they went to buy shoes because there was no fluidity.   When she was growing the most that meant often their clothes were too small.  

I am not saying custodial parent has to buy it all but there should be fluidity and understanding that clothes go back and forth.  Yes, some can stay like PJ's unless the child wants different.  The main storage will fall on who has the child most.