Favorite parental cool-down methods

[ComplexOphelia]

Like many of us, I'm at my wits' end with my spirited toddler (who just turned 2).  Probably this has a lot to do with being 33 weeks pregnant, bigger than I've ever been, exhausted, and trying to get things together for the new baby.  None of that has to do with him, and I am committed to keeping the baby-related stress out of our relationship and my parenting.  Most of the time, I'm successful - but sometimes it's just SO MUCH, you know?  It's all typical spirited toddler stuff, that I totally don't need to list here.  Couple with the fact that DS has a cold and isn't feeling great so his resources are low, and, frankly, there are times when I'm surprised my head doesn't explode.

Right now, DH is home.  When I left the bedroom just now after unsuccessfully trying to get DS to take a nap, which he desperately needs but prefers to spend an hour thrashing and kicking on some days and fighting me some days.  DH could see that I'm stretched pretty thin, and said, "Do you need to lie down, too?" My response: "No.  I need our son to stop being rotten."  Ugh.  Now DH is lying down with DS, I'm getting myself some lunch, and trying to think of better ways to handle myself when I truly feel like flying off the handle.

So, I'm here looking for some good cool-down techniques.  I've been doing "magic breathing" for myself and giving myself permission to feel overwhelmed and cranky sometimes.  If you have a favorite way to get back to a place of connection when you are frustrated with your child, I'd love to know about it!

[dulce de leche]

Hugs.  It is especially hard, I know, when you don't feel well physically.  I wrote a 3 part guest post for Authentic Parenting with some of the things that helped me.  Naomi Aldort's SALVE formula is excellent.  One of the best things for me during pregnancy was also to play the pushing game with my kids.  I'd sit down and have them lock hands with me and try to scoot me backward.  We both got to physically let off some tension, but in connection rather than anger, and it was something I could handle physically even in my third trimester.

This is the link for the second post I did:

http://www.authenticparenting.info/2010/11/gently-disciplining-ourselves-part-ii.html

[beachmomma202]

I totally feel you. I have a 9month girl old who seems to be starting the terrible twos already.  She also just had a bad cold and I'm 18 week pregnant and tired.  It has been a tough week and I wonder how I'll manage 2 babies and work part time.  It seems hard to get anything done, much less get the nurturing that I really need. Hope you are doing ok and let me know of any ideas! 

[Eresh]

I don't know that I'm going to answer you about cool-down methods, but I thought maybe I could post about part of how I go through my pregnancy with a spirited 2.5yo.  My biggest points of conflict with DS1 were around going to sleep (nap or night-time) and eating.  I did a lot work identifying our biggest conflicts and how planning ahead could help prevent problems.  I also gave myself permission to not be the perfect mom.  In the first trimester when I got home from work and collapsed on the couch, TV did a lot more baby-sitting than I'm proud to admit, but it helped us get through that time.  I would also give him a dinner of snack food that I knew he liked rather than cooking -- not terribly unhealthy stuff but also not really cooking anything more elaborate than popping sweet potato fries in the oven.  I also enlisted DH to take some of the load in the evenings and weekends.  I also did more yelling than I'm proud of =\  The biggest thing for me in maintaining an even keel is getting enough sleep.  Hard enough to do when you're NOT pregnant!  So that meant having DH take over getting DS down to sleep sometimes at night.

[tjlucca]

Hang in there Mama. It is REALLY HARD some times. Go easy on yourself for venting to your DH about DS being "rotten". Your DH knows you don't mean it and that you are venting frustration. I do the same. Sometimes I need to get behind a closed door while DD is somewhere else in the house and vent. Sometimes to DP if he is home, or sometimes just out loud by myself. I start statements of with "I feel so angry when...I feel so exhausted when....I feel so disappointed when.....I feel frustrated when....I let it all out for 15 minutes and then feel a bit lighter and regain my resolve to remain open and loving to DD, even when I am setting boundaries and enforcing them. For me this works. I let off a little stream, acknowledge and accept my own feelings about where DD and I are at. Hope this helps Mama. 

[cyclamen]

I'd like to know too. Lately I have lost my cool with DD 18mo is in the middle of the night,- she's crying, usually because she's teething, but also because she's learning how to fall asleep and occasionally needs to be helped. I try to do this: "I know, you are crying because you want to sleep. I want to sleep too. Let's cuddle and breathe deeply and close our eyes so sleep can come." But sometimes I do this: "Stop! Stop crying! Please stop crying! STOP." I know its not productive to lose my cool because she wants to be asleep as much as I want her to be asleep. But sometimes I do. Sleep deprivation is a big problem for me, and I think I'm more likely to get angry when I'm tired. So I'm going to start going to be earlier even if it means leaving some things undone. I also think giving myself permission to step out of the room and/or ask for help before I read "my limit" are things I need to do more often so I don't lose my cool as much. Dulce de leche, thanks for the link. I actually followed it to your blog post about "Our toolbox" - I'm going to be using it!

[NellieKatz]

I write. I keep scrap paper and pens handy and I grab one as fast as I can when I'm about to boil over. I write what just happened, how it made me feel, etc. Takes it down a notch real fast and helps me get to a place where I can work it out with my son.

[Ambishop19]

Thanks for this thread.  I'm definitely going to try some of these ideas.  One idea I got that I like is from LLL's book on gentle discipline.  They recommend to respond with "What are you, 1?"  At first I thought it sounded insensitive, but it actually reminds me that whatever he's doing is totally normal for his age.  And for the times I let my anger, annoyance, whatever get the best of me, I apologize to my boy and give him a hug afterwards.  Everyone makes mistakes, you know?