Okay to not leave baby with a sitter?

[McGucks]

I have a 9 month old.  One of my friends has a child around the same age, and she has left her son with lots of folks--in laws, her parents, sitters at the gym, her aunt, etc.  I think she really loves her son and is a good mom.  I have never left my son except for with my DH, for no more than an hour.  She has made several comments about how if I don't get him used to other people, he won't adjust well and socialize well, that kind of thing.  I was like this with my older son (15 years old) and he seems confident enough and socially comfortable.  I just can't be okay with knowing my EBF (with minimal solids at this point) baby might be so sad and I wouldn't be there to comfort him.  I am lucky to be taking a couple years off work to be a SAHM and feel that my commitment is to him, not to "getting out and doing things for myself."  I do not feel "tied down" or anything like that...I want to be with my sweet baby all the time!  Any suggestions or thoughts?  Also, what's an appropriate response when she drops little comments?  I do let other people hold him and that kind of thing...but I am his only mommy and I WANT us to be very close!  I want to be the one to comfort him when he is sad!  I don't do AP by trade (hadn't heard of it until I got onto MDC), but I guess we have sort of adopted some of the philosophies.

[Buzzer Beater]

 I have the same instincts you do... the few times I've gone more than an hour without my babe neither of us are in good shape when I get back to her. I've got no desire to be away from her and she obviously doesn't care to be away from mama. Babes have their whole wonderful lives ahead of them to socialize, and why can't they do that with mama right there anyway? Babes need mama feedback to negotiate social situations as far as I'm concerned.

I don't think you need much of a reply. I tell my mom and any other curious people, those are my instincts and I can't do it any other way. It makes sense even to my mother, who with DD1 always said, Put that baby down! She doesn't say that anymore.

ETA when my LO is in social situations like parties, books n babes, singing class, whatever- she does great. she can be away from me in the room, meets strangers well after checking them out, and is extremely curious about her surroundings in new situations. I don't think she has any problems.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by caedenmomma 

She has made several comments about how if I don't get him used to other people, he won't adjust well and socialize well, that kind of thing.

A child doesn't need to start socializing until they are 3 or 4 and want to socialize. Just tell your friend that you and her just have different parenting styles and you and your DSs are very happy with yours.

[34me]

If it's working for both of you ignore the naysayers.  You baby only has one babyhood....enjoy it!

[mom2happy]

I never left any of mine with anyone besides DH till they were 3. Even still- only with grandparents. The oldest one is 7.

[Knitting Mama]

I'm with you on this one! Cecilia is in a very similar place-- EBF with very minimal solids at nearly 9 months old. I am just not comfortable leaving her, and I will admit, not even with my husband for more than an hour. I just can't fathom how scared she'd be if I wasn't there when she needed me. She doesn't take a bottle, and she is very much in the "Mama is best" place right now; she always wants me when she's hurt or upset, even if my husband is already holding her. So, no babysitters here either. I just tell people that she and I do just fine together and ignore their well-meaning but erroneous advice that she needs to be away from me.

[pdiannet]

I agree with you also.  I have a 9 month old sweet girl also.  And she is my most attached baby.  It's difficult b/c she is my fourth, but I cherish these days- they will vanish too quickly.  I think your little one is blessed to have a mama that loves her that much. 

[cappuccinosmom]

Never left an infant with anyone but dh, and that only rarely.

All mine are 3 and older, and all are socially and emotionally healthy--vibrantly so.

The first time I left my oldest somewhere, he was 5 years old.  Vacation Bible School.  He didn't even stop to give me a hug, he was so eager to get into class and get started.  The other two are similar, and this year my youngest cried bitter tears of sorrow that he was not old enough to go to activities with his brothers.  So clearly, for my kids being with mama 99% of the time during infancy was not a problem.

[akind1]

I am like your friend, I have left DS with DH (have to, I WOH) my parents, his parents, and the daycare workers at the gym, and church nursery (although I volunteer in there 1/2 the time anyway, so I am right there). He is BF and was excusively so with minimal solids until nearly a year, when I started offering them more, and first (before nursing). While children may not NEED to be social until 3 or 4, he LOVES other kiddos. older ones, younger ones, age mates, you name it. From day one I knew he would need to get used to other people comforting him, not just me - since I WOH - so I stood back a little and let them (DH, grandparents, etc) try. Now, a good bit of the time, only mama will do. But very rarely do those situations where he is upset even occur - he is a happy, content little man.

I am not saying you have to, or should, leave your baby with others if you aren't comfortable doing so. But I did want to chime in as saying, though I don't like leaving my LO, I love knowing that he has people that he loves and that love him that can step in if needed. If no one else I think it is important that the daddy have an opportunity to bond with baby alone some of the time.

[Asiago]

My son is 14 months and we haven't left him with anyone yet. My husband took him to the park for an hour on two separate occasions. Aside from this I have always been there. We often receive comments that our son seems very calm, content, social and secure.

Each baby is different, just follow your instincts. My son isn't ready yet, when he is then his grandparents will likely sit for us.

[AislinCarys]

Originally Posted by ssh 

Originally Posted by caedenmomma 

She has made several comments about how if I don't get him used to other people, he won't adjust well and socialize well, that kind of thing.

A child doesn't need to start socializing until they are 3 or 4 and want to socialize. Just tell your friend that you and her just have different parenting styles and you and your DSs are very happy with yours.

Yep. DD was glued to me until she started crawling, at nearly 9 months.It took until she was confident walking at nearly 14 months before she was confident leaving my side when out. And we haven't had baby sitters yet. But she's a very confident little girl, nearly 3 yo now, who makes friends easily and is very social - and quite happy to leave me to go off and play with a "big" friend (usually a friend's older daughter, 6-13 yos), and won't miss me at all!

[peaceful_mama]

I tell this story quite a bit for situations like this....

DD will be 4 years old in about 2 weeks.  I did finish out my last school year after she was born--about 6 weeks of work, when she was 3 to about 5 months old.  She has had ONE babysitter other than my mom or DH and that was a friend who watched her for a couple of those weeks who lived within walking distance of the school I worked at.

I *couldn't* leave her, even with my mom, in the evenings, during the time that she was 6 to about 12 months old.  She needed ME at bedtime.  And I *wanted* that.  :) 

She would hide her little face in my shoulder when 'strangers' approached to talk to her/us--from the time she was old enough to be held on my hip to probably close to 2 years old.  The manager of the senior apt. complex my parents lived in *tried* to make friends with her...with no real success until she could come get candy from her during the last month or so they lived there, when she was about 18 months!  (and this was an attempt that went through her *entire* 18 months.)

Anyway, like I said, she's now almost 4........I never forced her to stay with, or even *interact with* anyone.

Last spring, so at just past 3, we joined the Y.  She ran right into their childcare playroom and never looked once for me.  She BEGGED to go play there!  (I'd be gone for at the *most* about 90 minutes, but she *loved* it.)

Last school year (so age 2.5-3) we visited DS1's preschool....she joined right in, found a group of little girls to play with, talked to his teacher, joined the circle, looked like another regular member of the class.  Yeah, that was with me in the room, but I might as well have not been there!  She still asks when she is going to get to go...she has not mentioned the girls specifically for awhile but she used to mention them by name, asking to go to school with them.  (She is on a waiting list)

My aunt came to visit---about 10 months ago now (I remember precisely because it was literally a week or so before I found out I was pregnant with DS3--age 1 month)  She was the first one at the door chattering away, showing off the picture she'd just drawn, etc. etc.

You're getting the idea....if you met her today, you would never guess that she was a baby who HID from people she didn't know on an almost-daily basis!  Keep doing what you are doing. 

[lookatreestar]

another similar story... never left my dd at all and by 3 and a few months she was ready to stay all day and night with grandma. she hasn't done it again since (my mom started working FT) but not one tear was shed and she had a blast! she talks about it all the time  she is very verbal and social with adults and kids alike.

[treeoflife3]

I think it is actually a phase babies go through around 9 months to a year or something where they don't really want to be with anyone but mom or another adult caregiver they actually live with.  I know my kiddo is just finishing up that stage.  She still hides from strangers at first but she warms up really really fast now and has been shocking me with who she will let pick her up and hold her.  She is 21 months old and probably pretty close to letting me leave her with someone such as the church nursery without me in the room.  People told me I needed to get her used to being left too but why would you need to with a kid who isn't even a full year yet?  Can't they get used to it when they are older if your life is set up in a way where you don't need childcare?

On the other hand, I was in daycare from the time my (single) mom went back to work at about 6 weeks.  I wasn't a shy child at all and was the kind of kid you needed a child harness for because I had zero issues with running off and talking to strangers (and I once did this too... luckily the guy who's daughter I started chatting up and holding hands with was VERY quick to find security hehe) but now I'm a socially awkward mess.  I have serious anxiety with meeting new people are being alone with new people.

I think it is less important to force a child to get used to something and more important to just follow their cues as best you can within the limits of your lifestyle.  How a kid is in infancy or toddlerhood or childhood or during the teen years isn't guaranteed how they will be in their 20s or 30s or 40s.

Anyway, a kid is 100% able to socialize with mom there.  Your son doesn't need you completely gone to do it.  Now, if you were constantly in his face and shielding him from everyone with no reason and not allowing him to interact, there might be a problem... but hanging out with other people is socialization even if you are holding him and holding his side of a 'conversation' and allowing him to decide how much contact to have.  I'm pretty sure that is being social because it isn't hiding in a room alone all the time... and social behavior is... socialization... no?

[Magali]

My son is 3 and has only been in the care of someone else (close family) a handul of times.  He is just perfect.

[NevadaMama]

We are in a similar situation - DD has only been babysat twice by someone other than DH, and both times were courtesy of my dad and stepmom - once we went out to dinner for our anniversary, and the other time I needed to clean up our old apartment before we moved out and really couldn't do that and watch DD at the same time. Now that we are 3,000 miles away from all of our friends and family, I don't think DD will have another babysitter until some of our family comes to visit!

I do occasionally leave DD with DH for a few hours, maybe once a month so I can go shopping, but that is mainly because we live over an hour from "civilization" - Target and Whole Foods Any shopping trip into the city is at least a 4 hour ordeal and honestly DD does not handle it very well, it is just too long to be away from home for her. We usually pay for it dearly when we get home!

However, just because DD is with us all the time doesn't make her a social misfit! She loves to interact with strangers in the post office and supermarket, and she was an absolute angel when I took her out to lunch with my neighbor and her friend last week. She went to her first birthday party a few weeks ago and it was the first time she was ever around other children, and she did fantastic! Babbling, crawling, giggling, playing, she was a total ham and everyone loved her. When we do go out to dinner or just running errands, we are constantly complimented on how sweet and well-behaved she is. I have had more than one frazzled mother ask me what my secret is.

Honestly, I would not worry about it at all. Whenever I think about "socialization", "stimulation", or any of that other mainstream parenting crap that you hear so much about all the time, I think back to how our parents and grandparents were raised. I'm sure my grandmother never had a babysitter in rural Pennsylvania, and she turned out just fine. We try to do everything pretty old-school anyway, like I'm sure many of you mamas on MDC do as well, and the thoughts of "how would my grandma have done this" are always a source of comfort and inspiration for me. Don't sweat it mama

[goinggreengirl]

My son is 9 months and he hasn't been left with a sitter and won't be for the foreseeable future. If DH and I want to go out to dinner, we just take DS with us. He's still refusing solids so my breastmilk is constantly in demand and I hate pumping!

[Adaline'sMama]

DD is 9 months and she has been left with her grandparents twice. My DH has started watching her for about 2 hours once a week while I am literally next door. I dont think there is anything wrong with it. As the mom, *I* will know when she is ready to be left with someone else for longer. Every kid is different, but I dont think kids will grow up never wanting to be away from mommy if they dont get a baby sitter when they are 9 months old.

[lrgs]

This story isn't about me but my aunt has a little boy who is just a few months older then my DD (who was 3 in Oct). When he was a baby he always preferred his mama, he was never comfortable with any strangers (except my mom oddly enough)........not even his dad (he would go to his dad but just really preferred his mom). Obviously she couldn't leave him, he didn't like anyone else and he would not take a bottle. My DD was always more accepting of others so the family got to hold her, play with her, etc..........I felt terrible for my aunt because everyone would always make rude comments to her like "You need to get him less attached to you" "You should just leave him with someone else" "He needs to get used to other people" and bla bla bla. I remember one time I got so mad on her behalf and told my other aunt to stop staying stuff like that, there was nothing wrong with a baby needing or prefering his mama.......that's normal and that is what he needs. I can't imagine how frustrating that was for her. Anyway.......fast forward 3 years and he is just the most secure and social little guy.

I think each baby is different and each mama is different and everyone needs to do what works best for them. I don't see a thing wrong with a baby not going to babysitters all the time.......whatever works best for you and makes you and your LO most comfortable.

[karen1968]

Research actually shows that babies who are securely attached, as yours is, grow up to be more independent and social as they hit school age and on. It is because they have the security of knowing that person or people (mama, dada, grandma, whatever) will ALWAYS be there, always attentive, always supportive and always respectful/understanding...it gives them a very secure foundation as they go out into the world.

I do think there are advantages and disadvantages to both methods (I would LOVE it if my 3.75 yo went to sleep as easily as his cousin, who has been in daycare since she was 6 weeks old). The best any of us can do is listen to both our instincts and our child(ren).