Okay to not leave baby with a sitter? - Page 2

[octobermom]

 My first child was at least 2 before shes had a sitter for the first time and I think since then has had like 3 maybe in her 8 years... The same child who cosleept 2 years who nursed 4 years... This is also the same child who as soon as we get home from anyplace and there is any HINT of daylight bee lines for her bike and a fly by BYE mom I'mm off to play with my friends.... Yea shes "socialized" just fine.

Deanna

[akind1]

I see nothing wrong with keeping baby with you as much as you and baby like. I also don't see anything wrong with babies being cared for by others - in many situations parents have no other choice. There was an article on Peaceful Parenting/drmomma.org that said babe should be with mama as much as possible the first 3 years. It isn't that I disagree, necessarily, but some of us don't have that choice. I have to WOH - DH was unemployed DS's first whole year and now he is in school. Thankfully I have a job that allows me to WAH 3 of 5 days a week, so I am only away from him 2 days. there are mamas who aren't so fortunate.

OP: there are good things about both ways. I think the reason DS doesn't mind going to other people and sitters is because - except on the days I WOH - he knows I am available. and if not me, then DH. When he is being passed around I  - or DH - usually are a few steps away ready to step in if need be. I love that DS is so well bonded with DH, it is such a sweet thing to see. If I could do it over and could SAH full time, DS probably would have been left with grandparents once or twice,  but nothing really beyond that - there wouldn't be a need. Each family finds what works for them.

[Quinalla]

Of course it is ok to not leave your baby with a sitter if you don't want to. I didn't like leaving my DD for longer than ~1hr until she was eating solids well (baring daycare where she had BM in bottles or with just my Mom or DH at home with a bottle of BM). If you do want to, then it is ok to leave them, but it isn't necessary for you do leave them for them to get used to people. All kids go through phases of separation anxiety whether you leave them with people or not and each kid has more or less intense experiences depending on the kid. And anyway, you are leaving him with DH to get breaks, so that's perfect! I wouldn't leave my DD with people I didn't totally trust still and she is 13 months, that is a huge part of it too IMO.

[Knitting Mama]

I don't think I will ever be able to leave my daughter with people I don't totally trust, personally!

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Originally Posted by akind1 

I am like your friend, I have left DS with DH (have to, I WOH) my parents, his parents, and the daycare workers at the gym, and church nursery (although I volunteer in there 1/2 the time anyway, so I am right there). He is BF and was excusively so with minimal solids until nearly a year, when I started offering them more, and first (before nursing). While children may not NEED to be social until 3 or 4, he LOVES other kiddos. older ones, younger ones, age mates, you name it. From day one I knew he would need to get used to other people comforting him, not just me - since I WOH - so I stood back a little and let them (DH, grandparents, etc) try. Now, a good bit of the time, only mama will do. But very rarely do those situations where he is upset even occur - he is a happy, content little man.

I am not saying you have to, or should, leave your baby with others if you aren't comfortable doing so. But I did want to chime in as saying, though I don't like leaving my LO, I love knowing that he has people that he loves and that love him that can step in if needed. If no one else I think it is important that the daddy have an opportunity to bond with baby alone some of the time.

This is me too.  I wish I had the luxury of keeping DD all to myself - it breaks my heart that I have to work every day and leave her at home.  But that is the only workable arrangement in our home, and we are blessed that DH is able to stay home instead of sending her to daycare.  What that means though, is that I had to start leaving her with him when DD was 3 months.  Occasionally, we have to leave her with MIL when DH and my work schedule overlaps - it only happens once or twice a month. Our 2 year wedding anniversary (which is also our 11 year "as a couple" anniversary is tomorrow, and we will be leaving DD with my mom for about 3 hours while we go out to dinner to celebrate. 

Because I work, I never want to leave DD when I don't have to.  At the same time though, it is important to me to make sure I don't totally neglect my marriage either. I think we have a nice compromise.  MIL keeps talking about weekends at gramma's house and while I don't say it to her, there is no chance that I will be letting my little one spend more than an evening away from me for many years to come.  BTW DD is 8 months old.  To answer your original question, you are following your mommy instincts, which is the absolute right thing to do. Try not to judge your friend though, because leaving her baby with others for a brief time might be the only way she knows.

[cricketina]

DS is 9 months and we left him for the first time this past weekend.  DH bought us theater tickets without thinking about it so we left him with my SIL and brother as a trial run.  I was very nervous about leaving him.  We left for an hour to get lunch.  I don't feel tied down in any way, either.  I love having him with me.  DH and I are always together when he's not working so I really haven't even left DS with DH.  It was a big step for me but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.  He was quite content to play with my niece and take in all the new surroundings (he's been there several times before, but not frequently enough to *know* it).  He cried when we got back, as if he just noticed we'd been gone.  He was also REALLY tired since he didn't nap before hand like he should have (being stubborn, not for lack of trying).

As for what people say....I just tell them I love being around him and he won't take a bottle so I can't leave him anyway.  I just smile and go about my business in my own way :)

[P.J.]

To be honest, before I had a baby I envisioned never ever ever having that baby off my body for at least the first year of its life. Well, that was before the reality of being a mom set in for me. I don't know how you ladies do it, never leaving your LO with anyone, never getting a break. I can't manage that. It's not just that my baby is high needs, but I have found that, for better or worse, I have my limits. I need breaks from mama time, that's all there is to it. I have more patience and enjoy and can be present with my baby better if I have some time for me as well. DH takes over here and there when he's around, and has his papa times when I can go out. MIL also is here sometimes and takes DS while I do other stuff in the house. We've also left him with my mom a couple times. Just today we started a few hours twice weekly thing with a caregiver in our home who so far is great with DS and he enjoys being with her. I won't leave them alone together for awhile until I know DS is used to it, but for now I still get little breaks and can do stuff around the house while she's here watching DS.

I know it isn't ideal and I do worry about it sometimes that DS is being cared for by someone outside the family a bit now, but the reality for me is that I am not a perfect mother and I am doing the very best I can, and that includes regular breaks for myself which means DS is with a caregiver other than me or DH. I am simply not as good a mother when I am with DS nonstop, and DH works and can only do so much (unfortunately...I wish he were a bit more available but he's a good papa when he's here).

[Hannah32]

Originally Posted by P.J. 

To be honest, before I had a baby I envisioned never ever ever having that baby off my body for at least the first year of its life. Well, that was before the reality of being a mom set in for me. I don't know how you ladies do it, never leaving your LO with anyone, never getting a break. I can't manage that. It's not just that my baby is high needs, but I have found that, for better or worse, I have my limits. I need breaks from mama time, that's all there is to it. I have more patience and enjoy and can be present with my baby better if I have some time for me as well. DH takes over here and there when he's around, and has his papa times when I can go out. MIL also is here sometimes and takes DS while I do other stuff in the house. We've also left him with my mom a couple times. Just today we started a few hours twice weekly thing with a caregiver in our home who so far is great with DS and he enjoys being with her. I won't leave them alone together for awhile until I know DS is used to it, but for now I still get little breaks and can do stuff around the house while she's here watching DS.

I know it isn't ideal and I do worry about it sometimes that DS is being cared for by someone outside the family a bit now, but the reality for me is that I am not a perfect mother and I am doing the very best I can, and that includes regular breaks for myself which means DS is with a caregiver other than me or DH. I am simply not as good a mother when I am with DS nonstop, and DH works and can only do so much (unfortunately...I wish he were a bit more available but he's a good papa when he's here).

I totally agree, not that I think there is anything wrong with not wanting to leave the baby with a sitter. I think either attitude is fine. It's going to depend on your temperment, the baby's temperment, the home environment, level of support, coping skills etc.

Me and the hubby? We're the type that need breaks.

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by P.J. 

To be honest, before I had a baby I envisioned never ever ever having that baby off my body for at least the first year of its life. Well, that was before the reality of being a mom set in for me. I don't know how you ladies do it, never leaving your LO with anyone, never getting a break. I can't manage that. It's not just that my baby is high needs, but I have found that, for better or worse, I have my limits. I need breaks from mama time, that's all there is to it. I have more patience and enjoy and can be present with my baby better if I have some time for me as well. DH takes over here and there when he's around, and has his papa times when I can go out. MIL also is here sometimes and takes DS while I do other stuff in the house. We've also left him with my mom a couple times. Just today we started a few hours twice weekly thing with a caregiver in our home who so far is great with DS and he enjoys being with her. I won't leave them alone together for awhile until I know DS is used to it, but for now I still get little breaks and can do stuff around the house while she's here watching DS.

I know it isn't ideal and I do worry about it sometimes that DS is being cared for by someone outside the family a bit now, but the reality for me is that I am not a perfect mother and I am doing the very best I can, and that includes regular breaks for myself which means DS is with a caregiver other than me or DH. I am simply not as good a mother when I am with DS nonstop, and DH works and can only do so much (unfortunately...I wish he were a bit more available but he's a good papa when he's here).

I don't think there's anything wrong with this! It's the whole "different strokes for different folks" thing. If getting time out of the house alone is what you need to be a good mama, then you should do it.

In our case, I also need my alone time-- but the mama bear in me doesn't want me to have that alone time far away from Cecilia. So my alone time is at night. 9 times out of 10, my husband goes to bed before me. He and Cecilia cuddle in bed, and I do my own thing. Practically speaking,going somewhere without her is also tough as she's EBF and won't take a bottle, so I could really only get an hour or two max if I wanted to do something without her.

[McGucks]

Originally Posted by P.J. 
.

I know it isn't ideal and I do worry about it sometimes that DS is being cared for by someone outside the family a bit now, but the reality for me is that I am not a perfect mother and I am doing the very best I can, and that includes regular breaks for myself which means DS is with a caregiver other than me or DH. I am simply not as good a mother when I am with DS nonstop, and DH works and can only do so much (unfortunately...I wish he were a bit more available but he's a good papa when he's here).

Hi PJ!  I think what you are doing IS ideal...for you!  And that is great!  NOBODY is a "perfect mother"--my feeling is that the closest way anybody can get to being a perfect mother is to know themselves well enough to take care of themselves appropriately so that, in turn, you can care for your child.  What a regular break is to one person might be different than it is to another.  This whole parenting thing doesn't have easy answers...it's more about finding answers that do make things somewhat easier.
 

[lrgs]

P.J.............I don't see anything wrong with needing a break........like I said in my previous post, I think every mom needs to do what works for them and their family. Whatever that might be. I am also the type of mom who needs breaks every now and then. I'm lucky Ainsley takes a bottle (knock on wood) and I love to go for brunch with my girlfriends, a movie with my sister, etc. Totally gives me a chance to re-charge. DH has his stuff that he does too (hockey, etc). Our our recent trip to Jamaica our IL's took the girls for an afternoon and we spent it relaxing by the pool, it was great.

[MsFortune]

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.  

If you and baby are happy and thriving, why change?

I assume your friend is doing what most of us do - assuming that you think and feel similar to her.  So she sees you spending 24/7 with your baby and thinks you must fee trapped, because she would feel that way.  

I would nicely and gently tell her that you are happy.  

I'm with your friend - my kids have been watched by my husband and their grandparents.  I work outside the home so it's a necessity.  I also like doing things occasionally without them.  I would feel strangled personally having a baby on me 24/7.  It's all about what works for you.

[skyewriter]

Haven't had a sitter yet... DH and I just like it best when we're all together! We still co-sleep (except 15 yr old who has his own room now) and my favorite down time is to look at all their sweet sleeping faces. They are all independent in their own time and ways, have firm opinions (some that I boggle at where they got them) and have shown their strength when **** hit the fan (hospital stay for asthma left DD home with G'ma) so do what feels right! Now that I think of it it would not have harmed me to have skipped having a sitter when I was small! (teens with some really interesting pass times, closet smokers, old lady chain smoker (sigh) they were all nice and I was fine, but did I need those experiences as a child.....? So I vote no worries if ya wanna stay home and bliss out on baby fumes!

[boatbaby]

DS is 6.5 and has never been with a sitter, not even family (always either DH or I). When my daughter was born 3 months ago was the first time he was with someone (his best friends house) and we were worried, but he LOVED it! Do what works for your family.