UC... kinda lonely

[annaconda]

My story: I'm pregnant with my first, setting up for birthing center, but UC is on the table.

I realized a while ago that it was time to stop discussing the possible oops with others.  Friends and family.  DH is incredulous and supportive at the same time and has agreed to stop bringing it up, as it's just pretty clear others are going to advise against it.  However I'm so psyched about all I'm learning about labor and the mechanics of it all that I do want to share and talk about it... I guess that's why I'm here.

I've become a labor junkie in a few short months :) and as a yoga teacher I'm fascinated.

Anyway I was talking to my little sister yesterday, she was visiting... and I started talking about how cool it is (you know things are a little off when you're drawing a uterus and ligamental attachment points and your sister is turning green as you talk about the cervix).

Later on, I was taking her to the bus stop and she asked if there were any decisions left to make about the labor.  We had been chatting for a while and I was feeling very open and said, we're considering having an oops - not getting to the hospital at all if things are going well and my emotional state is good.

She looked at me like I was crazy and said she was scared.

I quickly rephrased and said, no, we're just going to be prepared if the baby comes quickly.  Head to the birthing center, but if I don't know how far I am and all of a sudden I am having a baby (because we're planning to stay home till the last minute etc etc) then I want to be prepared, have things on hand so we can safely take care of me and catch the baby.

Oh, she said.  That's good I guess.

Anyway... it wasn't a bad interaction.  It didn't leave me feeling bad at all.  I just live in wonderment at the bad rap birthing gets in our society!!!  If it was such a delicate process we wouldn't have the population issues we have now.  We're meant to do this and people have been doing it for eons without doctors and scalpels.

I feel hope that women everywhere will come out of the place of fear around birth.  Learning about it has helped me feel so empowered and fortunate to be a woman and to get to experience the miracle of life first hand.  Glad oh so glad to have this forum!!!

[dayiscoming2006]

Yeah, I'm happy my hubby is supportive of whatever I want though he would probably be happier if I chose to go to the hospital - he knows that I am in charge of this particular thing. He respects me with that and I appreciate it.

I also have a very supportive best friend who thinks it's a neat idea. She also thinks unassisted pregnancy is great too. She personally went to very few prenatal appointments as she didn't see the point and did deliver at the hospital but she didn't have a clue about the choices back when she was having her kids. 

It's good at least to have your husband open to the idea. I would definitely want all UC's if I could go back. I tried for one last time but the plan fell through when I had to live with my inlaws at the end of my pregnancy. That sucked. But, anyway. Go with what feels right to you.

I shared about a possible UC with my sister and of course she wasn't supportive but she wasn't telling me I was nuts either, which I appreciated. She just said to be careful. And I told her I'm not too far from a hospital if something goes wrong and I've already had 2 kids and know what I'm doing. She seemed fine with that answer. I don't know if she really was but oh well. She knows she doesn't really have any say in what I do. Whatever. 

And I agree... Yey, for the Unassisted Childbirth section on MDC! If it wasn't for this I'd have been really lost as to how to go about doing it all. It's nice having the support and experiences of others here.

[truthspeaker7]

Anna, I am so happy for you because of all the research you have done!

I got some flack from family members when I wanted to have my first baby at home with a midwife, but I had done a lot of research, shared what I learned with my husband, and we both felt like it was ok. We mentally prepared ourselves for any possible outcome, but we trusted our instincts and everything went beautifully. I had a 30-hour labor -- in retrospect I know it is because I felt like I was being watched and felt pressure to perform. (I found I needed very little support or encouragement during labor, as I was very in tune with my body. Having my midwife there plus my husband and two extra labor helpers made me feel uncomfortable.) Next time I would like to go unassisted.

It sounds like you are well prepared! You will do great! Please let us know how it goes for you. I'm rooting for you and your hubby!

[WinterPrego]

I've come a looooong way in how I view birth since becoming pregnant 5 1/2 months ago! I was a home birth myself, and my mother used a midwife. She also had five other home births. So home birth has always been completely normal to me...but I thought the ONLY way to give birth was with a midwife - really.

So when I knew I was pregnant, I immediately began looking for a midwife. And lo and behold, I found the one who assisted my mother with her six births!! I was so excited. :) My husband and I set up an appointment to meet her, and it went perfect - we loved her!

Well, I'm very independent when it comes to finding things out on my own. I had questions concerning birth,labor,post-partum, etc...

I knew I could ask my midwife all of these, but let's face it; they may give much more quality time for your questions, but I had a lot and they would pop into my head at random times - so I definitely didn't want to call her 10 times a day,asking questions!  I also didn't want to write them down, and try to forget about them until our next visit. So what do I do?!  -------  Google! 

I read all day long. Every day. And I came across Laura Shanley's site.  Reading her site not only opened my eyes to birth in a whole new way, but also opened my eyes as to what we can accomplish in any aspect of our lives, if given the right amount of information. I had this whole new longing towards birth. I felt strengthened and empowered just from reading her site! But I needed more info, more support. I needed more first hand accounts from women who'd done this. I did a search for UC forums, and found this one among many others. Only this one has definitely proved to be a keeper.

Once I realized that I could give birth unassisted, I realized that it may come to the point where this would be our only option(my husband and I). You see, our midwife is the cheapest midwife around. And I won't lie, price played a huge part in our finding a midwife. The added bonus of course, was that she had taken care of my mother during her pregnancy, and assisted in delivering me. But - she will not assist with twins. And guess what runs in my husbands family???  TWINS. When she first told us that, I was disappointed and very worried (before I knew about UC) - I mean, what the heck would we do if I'm pregnant with twins?! Go to the hospital?  Uh, no thanks.

And then of course, I discovered UC. Actually, the Lord led me to it. I know He did.

Anyway, I knew immediately I better keep my mouth shut until I really know how to answer family/friends questions. I even kept it quiet from my husband until I had done about a weeks worth of reading on it(in reality I think I read a months worth!). So I brought it up. He didn't hesitate at all in telling me he trusted my body. He just didn't trust himself to know what to do if some thing went wrong. I told him that there were several books I wanted us both to read, and meanwhile I would be researching UC constantly. He also asked what we would tell our families. I said...... nothing. None of their business. We both knew they would all have a cow, especially his mother! And I don't want to deal with that right now. Especially with our first birth. Every one is just too scared, and too prejudiced against a woman's ability to give birth. Yes every one knows women gave birth by themselves for generations, "but,(they say) women and children died all the time from complications". They just don't understand that women today have access to healthful foods, and more technology,without needing a doctor.

I feel free with the decision of UC. I know also, that it increases our outcome for a healthy baby, and easier delivery because I am naturally a reserved person. My husband is the only one I really feel comfortable around. I even feel a slight distance between my midwife and I, which however slight, could still create problems when it comes time to birth.

So I am very thankful for the UC forum on MDC, and for all of the amazing UP/UC mama's who have their amazing advice and stories to tell!!!

Oh and, this is also our first pregnancy.   :)

[pdiannet]

I hope this forum keeps you encouraged. I personally have not had an UC. Two were in hospitals, one at home, and one in a birth center in water. All of these were natural, nothing augmented other than the setting and people concerned. I have also become more confident in my own ability to birth and God's design for my body and His will. I hope you have a beautiful pregnancy. Are you planning on seeing your midwife during your pregnancy? I live in rural Alaska and plan on doing my own prenatal care if I should be given another go round.

[WinterPrego]

Originally Posted by pdiannet 

I hope this forum keeps you encouraged. I personally have not had an UC. Two were in hospitals, one at home, and one in a birth center in water. All of these were natural, nothing augmented other than the setting and people concerned. I have also become more confident in my own ability to birth and God's design for my body and His will. I hope you have a beautiful pregnancy. Are you planning on seeing your midwife during your pregnancy? I live in rural Alaska and plan on doing my own prenatal care if I should be given another go round.

pdjannet - Was your question for me? 

[Sharlla]

I was very clear tht I was UP/UC to everyone, coworkers, family and friends.  idk everyone knows me and how I am.  I think the biggest problem people seemed to have was that I wasn't having an US lol um even with my hospital births they didnt do an US past 20 weeks so i dont know what difference it would have made.  people are just use to my weird lifestyle, im sure this didn't shock them.

[pdiannet]

Originally Posted by WinterPrego 

Originally Posted by pdiannet 

I hope this forum keeps you encouraged. I personally have not had an UC. Two were in hospitals, one at home, and one in a birth center in water. All of these were natural, nothing augmented other than the setting and people concerned. I have also become more confident in my own ability to birth and God's design for my body and His will. I hope you have a beautiful pregnancy. Are you planning on seeing your midwife during your pregnancy? I live in rural Alaska and plan on doing my own prenatal care if I should be given another go round.

pdjannet - Was your question for me? 

Yes, sorry, I should have been more specific. 

[WinterPrego]

Yes, sorry, I should have been more specific. 

No that's fine! I'm going to keep using my midwife during my pregnancy. My husband also wished I would. His reasoning being, that we can learn a lot concerning prenatal care. I disagree, but if it makes him comfortable for the first one, I really don't care!  :)

[MsBlack]

To me, planning--and having--a UC is 'kinda lonely', as you put it Anaconda...although I wouldn't say lonely for myself anymore.  It definitely takes you out of the mainstream talk about pregnancy and birth amongst friends, family, coworkers!  What a UC mom/family thinks, reads, and does is so very different...even if you choose medical or home mw prenatal care.  And when you are not part of that great social discussion, it can be hard to get used to--it can feel lonely and a bit disorienting I think.

And rather than 'lonely', I would say 'freeing'--I would say, it brings you more home to yourself and your own life (marriage/partnership, values, goals, etc).  As a social species, we rely so much on social feedback of various forms to remain oriented and stable emotionally...with UC we must turn more inward to our own resources, self-definition, spirituality, confidence based on interior things rather than on the usual forms of approval and 'social feedback'.  And often we have to have tougher skins when it comes to fielding criticism and other people's fears.  For me, all this has been far more freeing than lonely over the years (3UCs, 1 UC transfer plus 2 other attended homebirths).  More freeing than lonely, and more empowering than anything else!

Know that you can find support and people to speak freely with, in this place and other UC forums.  Know that if you stay this course, if it really continues to be the right path for you, you will re-orient yourself and feel the freedom and empowerment that others here and me will speak of.  That initial sense of loneliness and disorientation is a price well worth paying for the lasting rewards to be reaped in your self-confidence, sense of connection to the Divine (however you conceive that), ability to manage your own and families life, health, overall wellbeing. 

So you go, woman!  In the wide open spaces apart from the herd, there is much joy and many other gifts to discover and own.

[lightinmyhands]

I was very open and willing to talk about my UP/UC plans with anyone and everyone that would listen.  Part of this was my excitement, and another part of it was my knowing that the fear surrounding childbirth had to start stopping somewhere and I'm as good a person as any to have open discussions about it.  However, I've been forging my own path as long as I can remember and have garnered much strength from this, so I was better able to not take other people's fear and concerns to heart.  Those that actually seemed most unsupportive were those that weren't truly happy with their birth stories but weren't aware of any options at the time.  People needing to safeguard their emotions by telling themselves that hospitals and doctors are the only safe way to birth, therefore they could be justified in having chosen that route.  And of course there were the well meaning family members who seriously believe that age old lie that everyone-mammas and babes-will surely die during the dangerous act of childbirth if it weren't for doctors and hospitals.  It was ok for people to have their feelings about what I was doing (and it is ok this time as well).... their feelings have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them and their own life experiences.  I appreciate the concern, when it is genuine, but I trust my heart and my mind and I go about my unassisted pregnancy/childbirth as planned.  Luck and love!

[annaconda]

Thanks for all these great responses Mamas!!!!

Dayiscoming - I could write exactly your first paragraph - ditto!  I'm so proud of my husband's attitude.

Truthspeaker - I agree - following the instincts - I have incredibly strong instincts and a good backup plan.  I know that many people out there in the world are so far removed from their bodies and their inner life of the mind that it's so not the right choice for many, but for those of us who are *tuned in* UC seems like the perfect place to be!!

WinterPrego - when are you due with your first???  I share your feelings about the strong husband connection.  That's the one I want to be working with throughout my pregnancy no matter where I am - him, myself, and my little Manny (Emanuel) growing inside.

Pdiannet - hope everything goes wonderfully for you.  Great track record!  I myself am doing OB care because I have great insurance and it's cheaper to the point of being a no-brainer.

Sharlla - I wish I had your conviction.  Well... I actually feel quite wonderful about keeping things to ourselves at this point, but I love that there are people out there strongly advocating for the right to freebirth!!

MsBlack - thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.  Really how wonderful.  I guess I'm moving through this process and feeling different things at different times.  There is a part of me, of all of us, that I think craves the social feedback loop - the inherent social nature of humans.  However there is that within us that makes us truly human - apart from the apes - knowing concepts like freedom, individuality, personal choice, etc.  I will be returning over and over to this concept that if ever I should feel lonely in my choices (which I only did in that moment with my sister) that there is a real flip side to that.  I do feel the freedom, wonder, and trust in my innate power as the strongest feeling when it comes to considering UC.  Thanks again.

Lightinmyhands - I do agree, having seen the blanket response in people - fear and "oh no don't do that" - that we DO need to be ambassadors of light and love and trust in the process.  I hope that if I do UC this time I'll be an ambassador in the future.  

Really all of you thank you so much for being a community in this!!!  I just adore this forum and being able to talk about this.  I do feel way less lonely and I'm glad I posted.  This forum can be quite pragmatic (as it should be) but I feel emotionally uplifted and supported in my journey.  Take great care of you - you wonderful spirits out there in the world... happy to have "met" every one of you.

[WinterPrego]

I am due May 9th, so that could end up being late April!  I feel like there is so much to do...I just bought a stroller/carseat/base for $20 yesterday!! Great condition, just one or two spots. I'm really excited  :)  I also got a bassinet for $25, brand new!  :D   Oh and someone just gave me 8 AIO cloth diapers! with a bag full of inserts...truly awesome. I'm so excited about our baby, and I'm with you on feeling good about keeping the UC to ourselves. Once it's over I will tell them what we did - and let them freak out after everything is done!  I think once we have done our first UC, I will be more open to sharing it. I just feel like everyone will think we are naive since this is our first baby. But of course, who cares what they think!

[dayiscoming2006]

Originally Posted by WinterPrego 

I am due May 9th, so that could end up being late April!  I feel like there is so much to do...I just bought a stroller/carseat/base for $20 yesterday!! Great condition, just one or two spots. I'm really excited  :)  I also got a bassinet for $25, brand new!  :D   Oh and someone just gave me 8 AIO cloth diapers! with a bag full of inserts...truly awesome. I'm so excited about our baby, and I'm with you on feeling good about keeping the UC to ourselves. Once it's over I will tell them what we did - and let them freak out after everything is done!  I think once we have done our first UC, I will be more open to sharing it. I just feel like everyone will think we are naive since this is our first baby. But of course, who cares what they think!

I'm officially due May 9th too. :P You should update the UC roll call wiki cuz I'm really interested in seeing everyone who's planning a UC. It's just nice. 

I got a nice newer car seat for $20 from what looked like a nice trustworthy family. Got a nice bassinet for $5 (used.)  Yey, buying second-hand! :)

[annaconda]

Wait you guys are BOTH DUE 5/9??????????

SO AM I?????????????

WOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So cool!  I'm not definitely 100% on the UC we've decided at my house to play it by ear and see how things progress.  Since it's my first I have to see how far my yoga training gets me and DH will not "lock in" to UC for sure.  We've agreed it's best to be flexible.

[A_Random_Phrase]

Originally Posted by annaconda 

Wait you guys are BOTH DUE 5/9??????????

SO AM I?????????????

WOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So cool!  I'm not definitely 100% on the UC we've decided at my house to play it by ear and see how things progress.  Since it's my first I have to see how far my yoga training gets me and DH will not "lock in" to UC for sure.  We've agreed it's best to be flexible.

This reminds me of when I was due with my last child. He was due May 5th. In a prenatal class I was taking, another couple was due the same day. I went into labor April 25th and had him April 26th. I found out that the other couple also had their baby on the 26th. (Same hospital - only one in the area.)