My DP lied to me about quitting smoking. Now I am deeply hurt and I don't trust him anymore. Am I...

[MPJJJ]

I wasnt sure where to post this because my DP is not my children's father, so I didnt think it belonged in PAP.

Anyways, my DP's grandpa is dying from lung cancer caused by smoking ciggerettes. DP really wanted to quit smoking, so he started taking Wellbutrin. I also sent my kids across the country to their grandparents for Thanksgiving, so that he wouldnt have added stress, and it would be easier for him.

He promised me that if he slipped up he would tell me, and he wouldnt lie about it like my ex husband did (I actually found out from his mother that he was still smoking).

We have been together almost 2 years, and as far as I know he has never lied to me about anything. So I completely believed him, without question, and told him often how proud I was of him, and how amazing he was for quitting. I was so relieved to not have to worry about his health anymore.

But he started leaving me out of things when before he always wanted me there. He began insisting that I stay home while he ran to the store, sometimes multiple times a day. I was no longer invited to go hang out with his friends. I was hurt and confused, and thinking that he just didn't want me around anymore.

Last night I finally asked him if his friends didn't like me and want me at their house, or if he was just embarressed by me, and he admitted that he was still smoking. He said he should have come clean, but he was embarressed that he couldnt quit and thought I would think less of him.

I was shocked, and completely devastated. I cried a lot, and told him that he had broken my trust, and I thought our relationship was strong enough to get through anything, but he didnt trust me to help him, and lied to me instead. I told him that I had believed that he would never lie to me, especially since he promised me that he wouldnt lie about this. I told him that it is scary to me to see how easily he lied to me, and now I wonder what else he has been lying to me about? He apologized, said it was really stupid, but there isnt anything else that he is dishonest about.

The problem is that I don't know if I believe him. He went to great lengths to hide this from me, when he could have just told me. He let me brag about him to my friends, and tell him how proud I was of him, and he never said anything different. I feel so stupid and gullible now, and I am furious at him for choosing ciggerettes before our relationship and his health. I am really, really angry and hurt right now. Am I overreacting? Is there another way that I should be looking at this situation? Or is this a huge red flag in our relationship?

[love4bob]

My DH did the same thing. He wasn't really excluding me from things or making me stay home, but he did tell me he quit smoking when he was still smoking. I was very proud of him too like you, and he also said that he was embarrassed. He didn't want to let me down. He hated that he couldn't quit. It's a really hard thing to do when you are so addicted to it. I would cut him some slack, it's hard to come clean and face the disappointment when you were giving him so much praise you know? Another thing is that sometimes my DH will not smoke for a while, but then I bring it up and say how great that is. He says that I shouldn't bring it up because then he starts thinking about it again.

[limette]

Originally Posted by love4bob 

My DH did the same thing. He wasn't really excluding me from things or making me stay home, but he did tell me he quit smoking when he was still smoking. I was very proud of him too like you, and he also said that he was embarrassed. He didn't want to let me down. He hated that he couldn't quit. It's a really hard thing to do when you are so addicted to it. I would cut him some slack, it's hard to come clean and face the disappointment when you were giving him so much praise you know? Another thing is that sometimes my DH will not smoke for a while, but then I bring it up and say how great that is. He says that I shouldn't bring it up because then he starts thinking about it again.

yes to all that. in our first year or two i'd get really pissed off when dh would say he had quit and hadn't but it wasn't cry worthy so i think you're overreacting. a decade later he still goes through cycles of quitting and restarting but he leaves me out of it, it's less pressure for him that way.

[Alyantavid]

Smoking is so so addictive.  It's so hard to quit and it is embarrassing when you try and fail.  I don't think it's totally losing trust in someone worthy, but maybe cut him some slack and back off a little.  This is something that you can't have anything to do with and he won't be successful if he's doing it for anyone but himself.  Maybe he isn't fully ready to quit. 

Relax, give him some space and don't get yourself invested in him quitting.

[plantnerd]

Yes, I think you are overreacting.  I have been him.  I have gone at longest a full year of sneaking before getting caught.  Why did I do it?

I was embarrassed that I had failed so quickly

I was going to quit again friday/next week/next month...time just got away from me

I feared Dh's judgement (he was able to successfully quit 6 years ago and has never looked back)

I knew he would be pissed at me, and push me to quit again, today...I wasn't ready for that

I never thought of it as lying to him, just sneaking.  Not that that isn't wrong, but when you are in the demon grip of the smoke monster you can rationalize all sorts of things.

I am still smoking and hoping to quit as my new years gift to myself.  But I' not telling anyone this time, it makes the failure 10x worse.  It's so hard, please give him a break.  He already feels like crap, I assure you.

[Eyelet]

I can understand and justify your hurt about being lied to, but I can also understand his situation, as well.

I used to be a heavy smoker before kids and still occasionally do. It's an extremely difficult addiction to quit. I've read that it's on the same level as heroin. Many people would pressure me to quit and I felt embarrassed and like a failure when I couldn't. It usually takes smokers several attempts to quit before it sticks. 

I'm sure your partner didn't want to disappoint you. It probably made it even harder to tell you the truth with you being so proud of him and telling people he quit...just that many more people he probably felt like he let down. 

Honestly, he needs all the support he can get to quit permanently. Stress and drama will only make a smoker still smoke.

[EFmom]

I think you are overreacting.

My mom died from lung cancer and I'm about as anti-smoking as it gets.  My brother and his wife both smoke, and both have tried to quit several times, especially after my mom got sick.  They sneak around and are furtive about it. It's disappointing because I love them and want them to be healthy, but it isn't something you can do for them.

Your husband struggles with a very difficult addiction.  He was humiliated by his failure to kick it, despite your help.  I'd encourage him to try again, but at the end of the day, he's not doing it to annoy you and this is his issue, not yours.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid 

Smoking is so so addictive.  It's so hard to quit and it is embarrassing when you try and fail.  I don't think it's totally losing trust in someone worthy, but maybe cut him some slack and back off a little.  This is something that you can't have anything to do with and he won't be successful if he's doing it for anyone but himself.  Maybe he isn't fully ready to quit. 

Relax, give him some space and don't get yourself invested in him quitting.

yes to all of this.

My dh is a smoker who has quit (and then started up again) so many times it's not even funny.  I just can't own it anymore; it's totally his problem (he smokes outside, just for the record.) 

[Drummer's Wife]

Originally Posted by A&A 

yes to all of this.

My dh is a smoker who has quit (and then started up again) so many times it's not even funny.  I just can't own it anymore; it's totally his problem (he smokes outside, just for the record.) 

Same situation here (though I am an ex-smoker myself).

OP, I think you are taking it too personally. Sure, him lying to you is hurtful and I can see why you'd feel like you aren't sure if you can trust him. However, nicotine is insanely addictive, and it sounds like your DP is feeling pressured to quit from you. You should stop that. Seriously. I know it's hard, and I catch myself talking $hit to my DH about his smoking from time to time. I just really care about him, and we also have family who has died from lung cancer. But he has to quit b/c he truly wants to - and when he tries to, you have to realize that slipping up is normal, and not something to freak out about. I'm guessing he lied b/c he didnt want to upset you and disappoint you... Not b/c he's a dishonest person who will suddenly start being sneaky in other situations. Damn straight I used to lie to my mom about quitting, for years. I know she loves me so much that it makes her feel more at peace believing that.

Try not to be angry with him or shed any tears over it. It's an addiction, and only he can break it (with love and support when he's truly ready, which it sounds like he's not yet).

[Petie1104]

I am about to try to quit smoking.  Let  me tell you, the bragging would make it impossible for me to come clean.  If my mother was bragging to her friends about me quitting, I would most definitley hide it from her because of the embarassment of having to face the fact that her friends would know I failed.  That may be part of the reason he hid it from you.  It is already alot of pressure for a person to even consider quitting (trust me, every time I think about it I want another cigarette), no less knowing that someone is telling the world that you are quitting (I pray that my kids don't tell anyone). 

My father died from COPD almost exactly 4 years ago.  I don't want to be a smoker, but it is so ingrained in m (I started when I was 18) that I am afraid I will fail.  The only comfort I have is knowing that my dh is going through the same thing that I am.  He understands my trouble with it.  So I agree with the others, give him a little slack here.  This, right here, this betrayal you are feeling, this judgement you are making, is probably the main reason he hid it from you.  If he knew that you would feel this way about it, then he probably snuck one, didn't tell you and then it just snowballed into a huge lie.  If you show him that you are not angry, that you are forgiving, then he will probably be more likely to come to you in the future. 

[enkmom]

Joining the chorus to say you are over reacting.  My husband was a heavy smoker for more than 30 years.  I knew he was a smoker when I married him, but I started nagging him to quit from the get go.  He did give it several honest tries, but he would always eventually start slipping back into the habit.  He stayed out in the garage just a few minutes longer, or went to the men's room but came back to the table with his coat on.  I always wondered why he didn't just tell me, but he explained (and not always nicely, either) that the expectations and pressure I was putting on him was just too much - and the more people I bragged to about how he was quitting, the more likely he was to go to extreme lengths to keep me from finding out that he slipped.  I really don't think that this is indicative of problems in your relationship.

Please believe me, as someone who has been in your shoes.  Your DP will want to quit for you, but will never be able to quit until he is ready to quit for himself.  My husband was not ready to quit until he was 50, but is 7 years smoke free now.

[Storm Bride]

OP: On the one hand, I think you need to back off on the not smoking. Your partner will quit when and if he's ready to quit. It's really that simple. No bragging. No getting involved. Just back off. It's really important that you stay out of it.

On the other hand, I don't know what your stated boundaries, etc. are like. If dh did that same thing (he doesn't smoke, so it doesn't apply), all hell would break loose. If a guy is with me, he doesn't lie. Period. End of story. I don't give a crap what it's about. I've made it very clear to dh, from the day we got together, that lying to me is the exact same thing as telling me that I don't matter, and I'm not important and he doesn't respect me. If he chooses to lie to me, anyway, then he's choosing to tell me all that. However, I've made it very clear that I have that particular issue/boundary. If you haven't done the same, then you're in a different situation. And, no - there's no reason to think that he's lied to you about anything else, but I can understand why you're struggling.

For me, lying is a deal breaker. DH and I have been married for eight years, and have three living children together, plus he's ds1's stepdad, and mostly his only father figure for the last nine years. I've got a lot invested in this marriage emotionally. So, if he lies to me, the first offense will only require counseling, while we figure out why he thought his reasons (embarrassment, fear of letting me down, whatever) justified doing something that he knows is very hurtful to me. A second offense would probably result in divorce. However, as I said...that's me, and that's also been very, very clearly outlined to my dh. You have to work within your own particular boundaries.

And, I love, love, love the whole "I lied to you, because I didn't want you to think less of me" line of "reasoning". Ugh. Just...ugh.

[DaughterOfKali]

I don't think you're overreacting.  I'll come back to post more after I've found some links.  Or maybe I'll just pm you.

[Caneel]

My thoughts as a hardcore ex-smoker:

Are you over-reacting?  In my opinion yes.      He slipped up trying to break a nasty habit but it is so minor in comparison to other relationship issues.  He didn't blow the bank account at the track, abuse anyone (besides, in a way, himself) or cheat on you with another person.

Smoking is incredibly hard to quit.  I have posted this before and I will again.  There are different types of smokers.  Some smoke mainly at work but rarely at home.  Some smoke mainly when they are sitting around having a few drinks but not as part of their everyday life.  Some, like me, smoked all the time.  Further, some smoke purely because they can't break the nicotine addiction.  Some, like me, were so attatched to EVERYTHING about smoking, not just the nicotine.  I loved the process, my silver lighter, lining up my supplies on the picnic table.  Smoking was my little treat to myself, the relaxation after a meal, the break when finishing a chore, etc.  ETA - While always hard, it think "total smokers' have an even harder time quiting then the more casual smoker. 

There is a limit to how much you can help and should help him.  Smoking is his issue.  100% his, you have no ownership in it. 

Sure, it sweet to try to be helpful but honestly, I would do very little aside from a smile and a "how is it going today?"  It is all on him to quit and any constant questioning, requirements of promises to tell about slips and grand gestures of super-helpful-ness will likely have the opposite effect.  For example, why send the kids away?  If they are causing him stress, he needs to learn how to deal with that stress first before he trys to quit an addiction. 

I feel so stupid and gullible now, and I am furious at him for choosing ciggerettes before our relationship and his health. I am really, really angry and hurt right now. Am I overreacting? Is there another way that I should be looking at this situation? Or is this a huge red flag in our relationship?

I say this gently, yes you should be looking at this situation another way.  If you haven't already done so, do some research into the patterns of addictions and addicts' behaviors.   Also, his health is his responsibility.  If the tables were turned, would you want him monitoring your habits? 

Edited by Caneel - 12/28/10 at 1:13pm

[Marsupialmom]

As an ex-smoker, I really agree with this. I tried to quit many times over. I finally did it when there was less pressure from outside sources.

[philomom]

You didn't smell it on him? Or taste it when you kissed him? How was he able to hide this from you for so long? Did he carry a toothbrush around or spray his car with Febreeze?

I agree that you have right to feel trust was broken, but I think that it is very odd you didn't find him out sooner.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by philomom 

You didn't smell it on him? Or taste it when you kissed him? How was he able to hide this from you for so long? Did he carry a toothbrush around or spray his car with Febreeze?

I agree that you have right to feel trust was broken, but I think that it is very odd you didn't find him out sooner.

I've seen many smokers pull this off. If they're visiting someone who smokes, the smell on their hair/clothes is explained. Many of them do carry toothbrushes and/or gum. If he smoked in his car before "quitting", and didn't thoroughly clean it, the smell could linger for a long time. If he wasn't smoking it in while he was hiding the smoking, then there wouldn't be any more smell than could be explained by what he carried into the car on his clothes from visiting people. Smoking is something that's hard to hide in some ways, but not hard in others...especially if the person the smoker is trying to fool trusts them. (I knew a smoker who hid smoking at home from his wife, by only using the bathroom that she didn't use, smoking right by the open window, and flushing the butts.)

[Sharlla]

I did this to X.  i smoked for years behind his back and he didnt know it.  honestly I'm an adult and if I choose to smoke then it's my business.  it really made me angry to be treated like a child.  And no I never felt bad or guilty about it, only resentful.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by Sharlla 

I did this to X.  i smoked for years behind his back and he didnt know it.  honestly I'm an adult and if I choose to smoke then it's my business.  it really made me angry to be treated like a child.  And no I never felt bad or guilty about it, only resentful.

Personally, I understand the right to make your own desicions as an adult, but I do think that when you are sharing your life with someone, you have a vested intrest in their health. My husband gives me flack when I dont wear a seatbelt, and I see no difference. If you are planning to spend your life with someone, I do think you have a right to question the desicions they make when it affects their health.
 

[Buzzer Beater]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

Personally, I understand the right to make your own desicions as an adult, but I do think that when you are sharing your life with someone, you have a vested intrest in their health. My husband gives me flack when I dont wear a seatbelt, and I see no difference. If you are planning to spend your life with someone, I do think you have a right to question the desicions they make when it affects their health.
 

Yeah, this. Sneaking around and smoking behind your back isn't acting much like a grown up... and he lied. I don't think you are overreacting to the lying.