My DP lied to me about quitting smoking. Now I am deeply hurt and I don't trust him anymore. Am I... - Page 3

[Super~Single~Mama]

OP, I don't think you are over-reacting, but I do think you need to think about whether you want to be married to a smoker.  If not, this is clearly not the man for you.  If yes, then you need to be able to let his addiction roll off your back in the way many pp's have talked about - supportive, but not invested.

I personally and completely repulsed by cigarettes, and I will never date, or marry anyone that smokes.  Ever, most likely not even if they had quit several years before.  I'm not interested in being with someone who smells like cigarettes, and I have allergy problems when I'm around the stuff, so I stay away.  What people do to themselves is their problem, but I won't allow it into my life.

[lifeguard]

Overall I'm just shocked at the level of judgement & harshness in this thread. Dh & I have had so many ups & downs in our relationship (which is rock solid btw) but if I was partnered with many of the posters here I would have been kicked to the curb.

I honestly feel a relationship is a lot less cut & dry, black & white than all of this. There is obviously hurts both ways & as a couple you need to discuss it & come up with a solution that can work for you. And maybe you will need to have this conversation many times.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by lifeguard 

Overall I'm just shocked at the level of judgement & harshness in this thread. Dh & I have had so many ups & downs in our relationship (which is rock solid btw) but if I was partnered with many of the posters here I would have been kicked to the curb.

Yeah, well - I think our marriage would survive it if dh had sex with someone else (although not if he lied about it), and I don't think those who wouldn't survive that are "judgmental and harsh". I think they draw the lines in different places than I do. A person who loves me wouldn't lie to me. That doesn't mean it applies for other people, but it does around here.
 

[homebirthing]

 And, I love, love, love the whole "I lied to you, because I didn't want you to think less of me" line of "reasoning". Ugh. Just...ugh 

This part is so true. The decision to become a liar on top of being an addict is the problem.

[MomToKandE]

I just wanted to send some (((hugs))) your way.  I went through this with my dh and alcohol.  I thought he would never lie to me.  I was wrong.  2.5 years ago was the first time he officially recognized he had a problem and said he was quitting.  Several relapses, lies, and counseling later we're still together but it was and sometimes still is a rough road.  We've rebuilt most of the trust but I'll never trust the same way I did before and that makes me sad.

[PuppyFluffer]

Originally Posted by lifeguard 

Overall I'm just shocked at the level of judgement & harshness in this thread. Dh & I have had so many ups & downs in our relationship (which is rock solid btw) but if I was partnered with many of the posters here I would have been kicked to the curb.

I honestly feel a relationship is a lot less cut & dry, black & white than all of this. There is obviously hurts both ways & as a couple you need to discuss it & come up with a solution that can work for you. And maybe you will need to have this conversation many times.

There is a large difference between judgement and discernment.  Judgement is thinking/believing that someone is__________, fill in any number of adjectives (usually negative): lousy, no good, worthless, a dirt bag, etc. 

Discernment is selecting what you wish to have in your life.  I have discerned that I do not wish to have an addict as my life partner or someone I trust with the care of my children (regardless of the substance).  This is far different than saying that a person with an addiction is not worthy of me.  For me, it's a matter of not wishing to have to monitor my partner and shape my interaction with him in accord with what I observe.  For example, I don't want to have to tread lightly around someone who has yet to have their morning coffee because until the caffeine is flowing in their veins, they are crabby (or smoke, or drink etc).  This is a decision I am making for myself and isn't a judgement of someone else.  I don't wish to have to consciously monitor my behavior and temper it in accord with how craving, influenced or hung over someone is and I don't want my children to have to do so either. 

I feel the same way about lying.  I don't wish to have to have to wonder in the back of my mind if my partner is telling me the truth.  I don't want to be doing the mental gymnastics of keeping track of every little thing he says looking for the discrrepencies that would indicate he's lying (again).  Or the physical act of looking over phone bills and computer histories and other things that people who live with liars often do to find the peace of mind that they are actually being told the truth.

Lack of trust is an inherent part of living with an addict.  Having trouble coping is a fact of life with an addict.  People get habituated to their stress relief and for someone actively in the midst of an addiction, that includes reaching for a cigarette, a drink or what ever their drug of choice is.  Addicts need to learn new coping skills, new behaviors and to set new habits - healthy ones. 

A bit of personal history here:  For me, my experience with an addict came while I was still single and without children.  I knew that I wanted children some day and I knew that I never wanted to say tol my child "Daddy loves you but he has a problem." and I never ever wanted to have to take a child to jail to visit Daddy.  I walked away from the greatest love I have ever known because I wouldn't bring a child into knowingly having a father who was an addict.  I still love that man - right to the core of my being.  He is a wonderful, gentle and loving soul - but I understand that I cannot have the life I want for myself and my children with him.  I don't judge him.  I make decisions for me.

[PuppyFluffer]

Looks like I killed this thread!

[Viola]

I don't think you're overreacting necessarily, because you told him in advance how important it was that he not lie to you about this, even if he slipped up.  And he did lie and it started to affect your relationship, because he was doing things without you and treating you differently.  And he probably had a different attitude towards you too, after awhile, because he felt like he couldn't tell you and that I could see how that could morph into resentment eventually.  I'd be angry about that, because I'd feel like he was projecting onto me things that might not necessarily be true.  Of course you were happy when he quit, but you told him that if he couldn't quit, he shouldn't lie about it, so that seems like the most important thing.

On the other hand, I can sort of see it from the point of view that when he first started slipping up, he figured it was only temporary and he was still "quitting" and maybe he thought he could get back on track without having to admit that he wasn't actually quitting.  And then telling you would be like admitting he had failed and would have to restart the whole thing, and maybe he just couldn't even admit it to himself.  I think it's good that he did tell you when you wondered why things had changed.  So I hope you can work on this breach of trust and come out stronger for it.  Hugs to you.
 

Originally Posted by MPJJJ 

He promised me that if he slipped up he would tell me, and he wouldnt lie about it like my ex husband did (I actually found out from his mother that he was still smoking).

Last night I finally asked him if his friends didn't like me and want me at their house, or if he was just embarressed by me, and he admitted that he was still smoking. He said he should have come clean, but he was embarressed that he couldnt quit and thought I would think less of him.