Aldort's "Authentic Parenting"

[Lamashtu]

Hello all!

I am a SAHM of a toddler and have recently reading Naomi Aldort's "Authentic Parenting" strategies.  Although I've utilized some very good advice, I find that a lot of her ideas are (to me, anyway) unrealistic.

She says that 100% of the day should be dedicated to the child to the exclusion of household chores and, basically, everything else.  However, I feel guilty that I am unable to let the housework and errands go and spend 100% of the day playing with my daughter.  I can't wait until DH comes home after working 12 hour days and expect him to do the chores and cook!

Also, I just read in her advice column that, if your child is spitting on you to get attention, the best way to handle it is to "don’t stop him, but play with him by providing playful opposition until he decides that he had enough."  Huh?

Although I am all about EBF, babywearing, co-sleeping, etc., it seems likely that Ms. Aldort's method of rearing children would result in, frankly, bratty children.

Do any of you mamas have experience with "authentic parenting"?  How has it worked for you?  Should I ignore my gut and stick with it?

Thanks!

[belltree]

I don't know Naomi Aldort's book, but I find this rather un-authentic:

She says that 100% of the day should be dedicated to the child to the exclusion of household chores and, basically, everything else.  However, I feel guilty that I am unable to let the housework and errands go and spend 100% of the day playing with my daughter.  I can't wait until DH comes home after working 12 hour days and expect him to do the chores and cook!

Household and work and cleaning up is part of life and thus not cleaning up, not cooking, not doing any household seems to give a fake impression of what life is like to a child. I prefer involving my child in these activities, or at least offering him to help: if I cook, he plays with his playkitchen, if I broom, he swings his own broom - and sometimes not.

My child get a lot of undivided attention. If he spits out food, it usually means he's done eating, so I ask him, if he wants more, offer the plate one more time and then say: I think you are all done. And remove the plate. You want to go play?

If he hits me, I say, I don't like it, please stop. Sometimes I go away, sometimes I say "please be gentle" and show him how to be gentle. So far that was all that was needed.

[crunchy_mommy]

I have never read that book but I do think it is kind of nuts to think anyone could be expected to devote 100% of their day to their child (and what about single parents?) Maybe 80-90% or so, but not 100%. I do actually spend most of my day focused on DS, doing activities with him or taking him places etc. and we do let the chores wait until DH comes home, although we still need to do some things, like make lunch, clean up after ourselves, my WAH job, etc. But mentally (for me at least) it is hard to focus exclusively on a child. Moms have needs too, and sometimes Mom needs to read a book or check emails for a few minutes, or run errands, etc. and I don't think it's fair to either parents or children to expect the parent to never meet their own needs. Then the kid would have a very unhappy mama.

But I do like having the overall focus of my day = DS. He is the type to really NEED stimulation & attention constantly so I can't imagine it not being like that lol. I don't mind letting chores wait, but I am fortunate to have my DH home by 5:30pm and he does TONS of housework, certainly more than I do. I don't really see any chore beyond preparing food/eating/cleaning up lunch/etc. to be all that important that it can't wait, but as a result my house IS much messier than I would prefer. So there's always a trade-off. OK I guess I'm rambling now, I'll shut up. :)

[Lamashtu]

No, you're not rambling!  What you're saying makes perfect sense.  That is why when I read Ms. Aldort's book, I was like...

[crunchy_mommy]

Maybe she had a maid or something??? And had no needs of her own?????

[Eresh]

Huh ... I've never read Aldort and it doesn't sound like I ever will.  I think I prefer Continuum Concepts take on work.

And today my 2y11m DS "mopped" with the regular mop and bucket of water (otherwise he was dipping the mop in the cat's waterdish).  I say "mopped" because he's not old enough to use the mop wringer so he created a small lake in the kitchen .  I'd rather have children who take it upon themselves to do things like this rather than children who think dirty socks magically disappear off the floor and reappear clean and neat in their drawer and so forth.

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Maybe she had a maid or something??? And had no needs of her own?????

Seriously. I know a lot of people love Aldort, but I just didn't "get" it. It did seem to me like the kids would be raised as brats with that kind of parenting. Not knocking on people it would work for, but it certainly wouldn't work for all kids or all families. 100% of my time? Good heavens, no. I'm an introvert, first of all, and so are 3 of my kids (jury's out on the youngest lol). Spending that much direct time with each other would end in psychological breakdowns for us all. I am pro child-friendly and inclusive parenting, not child-centered. It's not realistic to focus 100% on your kids every day. What will that teach them?

[mamazee]

You know, I read her stuff when my oldest was really really tiny, so I don't remember it that well, but what I remember is being impressed in a "change of perspective" way rather than an "implement these changes" way.  I don't remember her saying that people shouldn't clean their houses, just that the primary focus should be on the children, but maybe I don't remember it right because it's been so long.  Anyway, "children are more important than housework" is all I took from that, not that housework isn't important but just that it isn't the top priority.

[oaktreemama]

 in a "change of perspective" way rather than an "implement these changes" way.  

Yes I agree. I was (and still am reading some of her articles) rather flabbergasted by her suggestions for being an authentic parent. My needs and my husband's needs are just as valid and important as our son's needs. Our marriage deserves my time and attention too.

I do appreciate some of her ideas about school (I will never be an unschooler but I also see the ridiculous over emphasis on standardized testing and rote learning that has ensured our son will never be in a traditional school) and her emphasis on quality of toys rather than quantity. Her beliefs about letting children play and draw and create without parental interference really resonates with me as well. However, I get a lot of that same emphasis from other sources so often it isn't worth the frustration I feel about some of her beliefs.

[tzs]

100% of my time on child-centered activities?!? omg, what would you DO all day? there's only so many stacking towers that i can make before i would go completely bonkers.

[Ellien C]

I've just never been a fan. I received about 2-3 of her newsletters (maybe more) and I finally unsubscribed. I ended up feeling "less than" and "all wrong" after I read them. No one needs that in their life. And thinking she was a nut. I remember one newsletter was all about her son's violin recital or something. It was my first newsletter and it had this tone like everyone reading it was just waiting for the results of her precious snowflake's recital or invitation or something. I thought it was really unprofessional - I really didn't care about her son. Certainly not in my first letter. They didn't get any better after that. I think there have been some other threads on MDC about her.

On the other hand - I did take a week off work before Christmas AND sent my 9 month old son to day care all day! I figured they would be more focussed on him, and he really didn't want to be spend the days being bundled into car seats, bundled into shopping carts, drug around to stores and being confined in my house while I tried to clean-up and decorate. I'm SURE that's not what she had in mind - but take that NA!

[peainthepod]

I haven't read her book(s) but that sounds like a really unhealthy and obsessive form of parenting to me. Children need healthy role models in their parents; healthy people don't devote 100% of their time and energy to another human being, child or not. By that rationale, the moment someone has a child, they become a non-person--actually, a mere extension of the child! Not good.