MIL is pushing my child to read before *we* are ready...

[tea4tamara]

I would like to homeschool my (just turned 3) daughter, keeping everything pretty much informal for the first little while. I've read many many books that recommend holding off reading until about seven, and I'm all for waiting til then. She loves to listen to books, and to me, that is the best way to encourage literacy at this point. Don't get me wrong -- when she shows an interest, I'm happy to show her letters and numbers, etc. But I don't want that to be a focus at this time.

My mother-in-law has different ideas. She is a literacy specialist at the local school board and seems bound and determine to have my daughter reading before she hits the age of four. She buys phonics books that they go over and proudly has my daughter "read" books to me when I pick her up. I think she might actually believe my daughter is reading, not just reciting from memory. She bought one of those leapfrog thingys that promises to teach literacy skills for kids ages 2-4 as a Christmas gift.

I realize that by choosing to homeschool, we are pretty much rejecting her life's work. That's got to be difficult to understand for her, and I'm sure it would hard not to take this personally. I'm also happy to have her help teach my daughter, but not yet, not at age three.

What do I do? Do I just relax and let her teach up my kid on Saturdays (that's when they see her)? Or do I try to get her to back off? I really can't decide if I'm being too uptight or not. Somebody else needs to let me know lol.

[lynsage]

As long as DD WANTS to do it and is having fun with Grandma, I'd let it happen. I was HSing my DD at a pretty casual pace using Oak Meadow and wasn't planning on pushing reading with my DD- I was going to let her develop slowly, more like the "Waldorf way"- and then she decided she wanted to start reading and basically taught herself while I was still working on the alphabet with her! She is now six and attending public kindergarten (although we may pull her back out and do Oak Meadow homeschooling again as school is not turning out to be as positive an experience for her as we had hoped) and is reading independently at a 4th grade level. Which is nice for her, but we really don't make that big of a deal out of it- as I have said to several people, it's not going to be on her headstone when she dies that she was a really good early reader. I was an early reader and so was DH,  and we are both utterly mystified as to why people think it's such a big freakin' deal.

If you're talking about the Leapster gaming system or the LeapPad talking book pad, honestly, my DD loved to play with hers but I can't say I have any concrete proof she ever learned anything from them. She just sat down and started trying to sound out words and read along with DH and me when we read books to her. I don't think the Leapfrog toys hurt her any, either- they're just kind of there.

If it starts looking like MIL really is pushing DD to do it against her will or it's turning into an issue in some way, I would tell her to back off and drop it before she gives DD a complex. But what you're describing sounds pretty harmless to me so far. 

[SundayCrepes]

I think it depends on what your MIL's response will be compared to what you want it to be and what you want to deal with.

Are you more concerned about your MIL being in a huff that you don't want to deal with? If so and your daughter is having a good time, don't worry about it and save yourself the conflict with your MIL. 

If you're more concerned that YOU want to teach her to read on your/your daughter's schedule, then tell her that. Tell her YOU want to be the one to teach her to read, it's a meaningful mom thing to you. Ask her to stop.

But if your daughter ever resists your MIL's lessons, then definitely intervene no matter what MIL's response will be.

[stik]

In my opinion (and it is a strong opinion, based on my professional training as an educator) reading to three-year-olds is a FABULOUS way to build pre-literacy skills and a love of the written word.  There are so many skills involved in reading - sequencing things in the right order, understanding symbols and representation, and on and on - and the vast majority of 3yos simply are not developmentally prepared for this skill.  It's pointless to try to teach it. 

If your dd is having a good time bonding with her g'ma, I would let it go.  She's unlikely to actually pick up the skill at this age no matter what gma does. 

If your dd is feeling pressured or frustrated, I would do whatever you need to stop it.  You could ask Grandma to spend time on activities, like taking your dd on an outing someplace special, or cooking something (counting is much more developmentally appropriate for a 3yo than reading, and they love to mix).  Or, grandma could visit at your house for an hour or two on Saturdays unstead of dd going over there for the day. 

[lmonter]

I'd be annoyed, but let it slide because, eh, it's grandma.  And really, if reading and being overly invested in grandchild's life and education is the worst thing going on...  ;) 
But if it's bothering your child, then I'd start stepping in.  Maybe talk to MIL and ask her to chill out or ask her to read Newberry/Caldecott books instead (because how much fun are those awesome stories!?!) and have fun and create some groovy memories.  My boys still talk about Grampa reading "The Greedy Apostrophe" to them a few times over one of his visits here (he only visits 1-3 times a year, just for a day, maybe two).  Totally random, the kids were the ones that picked it out at the library, and the ones that took it to Grampa to read.  It was really cute.
If you have to pull out the big guns or research or something if she's just way overbearing, I swear I remember reading some studies to where when kids are pressured to read/spell/write before their brain is wired enough to do so, you end up with many more children who don't exactly read properly, can't spell worth a darn, etc.  And I bet we all agree we don't want that for any child.  :D

[luv my 2 sweeties]

ITA with the advice you've gotten so far.  If your dd is OK with it, then let it go.  If she's not, then step in.  If your MIL is a literacy specialist, she is likely aware that forcing young children to do developmentally inappropriate tasks is counterproductive.  You and she may disagree about what is ideal, but it's unlikely that she is doing active harm to your dd's development.

I do want to mention that if your just-turned-3 year old can recite books from memory, it's unlikely she'll want to wait until age 7 to learn to read.  My dd showed pre-reading skills very early without being pressured to do so.  She taught herself to read when she was 4 with minimal help from me.  (I just answered her questions, basically, and gave general tips such as telling her what sound "sh" makes.)  It may not happen that early for your dd, but watching a child teach her/himself to read is a beautiful thing!  Unless she's spending hours each week with with your MIL, Grandma's input is unlikely to derail her own process.  On the contrary, it might just give her one or two insights she needs to take the next steps on her own.  It's OK to be excited about your dd's "reading" if she seems proud of herself or seems to get enjoyment from doing it.  Reciting books is certainly a pre-reading skill, and if she's doing it willingly, it's not a bad thing.  I don't believe it's wise to push kids before they are developmentally ready, but I also don't think there's any magic age that kids should *wait* for -- they all get developmentally ready at different ages. If they are showing interest and determination, then support them in that at whatever age.  I know your dd's own interest is not the issue at this moment, but if you have a precocious reader, it may come up soon.  On the other end of the scale, my ds is 8 and struggling with reading, so I know it does not come so naturally and effortlessly for all kids, even at later ages.  (He did not show pre-reading skills at age 3, fwiw.)

[Holiztic]

We have the exact opposite problem, but really it all boils down to the same thing.

My MIL is totally Waldorf, her kids (including my DH) were raised in the Waldorf schools, she was a Waldorf teacher, etc.  I actually love much of Waldorf, as well as Charlotte Mason, and I had every intention of waiting to learn letters until 5 or 6 and waiting to teach reading until 7. 

However, we have a very precocious (gifted likely) kid.  Given our Waldorfy lifestyle and toys/books, plus the fact that DS is not in any kind of school and doesn't do any screen-time, electronic games, etc--DS really isn't very far into reading.  But he did start asking what the letters on the keyboard (which he rarely even sees) were, so I bought him a nice chunky wood alphabet puzzle, letting him learn at his own pace (which of course meant he learned all 52 upper and lower case, confidently, in 10 days at 3.5, had the sounds in another week). Well, MIL has had A LOT to say about that ever since (4 months).

It really boils down to the fact that this is MY child (and for you YOUR child) and I have told her outright that we appreciate her specialized experience and will ask for her opinion/knowledge when we need it (and we do!) but otherwise we will be making the decisions about our child's education.  DH has had to speak up to her a few times, too.

[tea4tamara]

Wow, thanks for all the feedback, everyone! I think just writing it out helped me deal with my frustration and see what was actually bothering me. I'm just going to ignore it for now I think. I'm sure that my daughter is enjoying herself, and I won't make it an issue unless I see otherwise. Thanks again for letting me vent.