DH wants a baby, but I want a job

[plantnerd]

My son is just over a year old.  I have been home with him since birth.  I love my son very much, but honestly, I am sick of being here constantly with him.  Before I had my boy I had a nice job with decent earnings, lots of stimulation and exercise, etc.  Now I feel like all I do is babysit and wash dishes.  Dh and I have discussed in the past having more than one baby, but I honestly don't want to now that I know how hard it is.  He is an involved dad, but I don't think really understands the demands of pregnancy, breastfeeding, and raising and infant on a 24/7 schedule. 

We are both in our 30's, so time is not on our sides either.

While I think it would be wonderful for D to have a bro or sis, I'm afraid I'll really lose my marbles (had PPD for several months) and can't imagine how I would do two more years of this, including a wild man of a toddler to try and raise at the same time.

What I really want is a job, and for DS to go to daycare.  I'm just not happy with myself, I'm bored, and I feel like dead weight.  Dh just giggles and says "oh you'll feel differently when he is older" or "oh, you don't want him to be alone do you?".  It irritates me that he is not taking me seriously on this.  How can we come to a decision???

[philomom]

Just to play devil's advocate here....

did you know your dh wanted more than one child prior to marriage?

time off for one baby might as well be time off for two!

[plantnerd]

Originally Posted by philomom 

Just to play devil's advocate here....

did you know your dh wanted more than one child prior to marriage?

time off for one baby might as well be time off for two!

Neither of us wanted to have any children.  I guess our biological clocks started ticking, and here he is!

[dayiscoming2006]

It's you guys' decision but I will mention that I found it harder in the end to have just one kid rather than two. My oldest wants to have someone to play with and would scream and whine at me if I tried to do anything else at times. Once my second came along and got to be around 3-4 months; they already started bonding and interacting and things started to get better. Now with them at ages 4 (almost) and 2 they are best buddies. 

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by dayiscoming2006 

It's you guys' decision but I will mention that I found it harder in the end to have just one kid rather than two. My oldest wants to have someone to play with and would scream and whine at me if I tried to do anything else at times. Once my second came along and got to be around 3-4 months; they already started bonding and interacting and things started to get better. Now with them at ages 4 (almost) and 2 they are best buddies. 

This has been my experience as well. Also, if you really want your child to go to daycare and work outside of the home, is there any way to make that happen for you? Is your DH on board with that? Perhaps you could try to find at least a part time job? I have some idea what you are feeling, and it's not nice! If something is not working for you, it's time to look for ways to solve that.

[Chamomile Girl]

I'm with you.  My kid is now 18 months old and I need to go back to work for my own sanity.  I have come to the conclusion that its a decision I need to make on my own, especially since my husband, like yours, will not engage me in a conversation.  So I think you need to decide plantnerd.  And then go out and make it happen.

I am also in my mid thirties for what it is worth, and while I like the idea of a second child, I do not like the removal of half of my brain and my identity.  I've been seriously looking for work for a year now (I am a teacher) and if I don't find a teaching job this fall I'm going to go work somewhere else.  Once that happens I'm going to have to have a serious conversation with my husband about birth control.

[Peony]

I have 3, apparently growing that 4th one, and I will be honest, 2 was not any easier then 1. It was harder, two children always needing something, yeah they play but then 2 seconds later they are fighting, and playing and then screaming, or plotting something or whacking each other with something dangerous. Repeat many, many times a day.  My oldest turns 8 next week, then there is a 4y, and a 1y. I don't regret continuing to have more children, I always knew I would. There is almost 4 years between my first two and I what I do regret is not enjoying the simplicity of only having one child for that period of time. We barely traveled or camped, we thought it was so hard to do anything, little did we know! One child really is so portable, you still can do so much, two is twice the work IMO. Sure I save time on some tasks but not on others.

I have nothing against having an only child. I have friends that have one and they are able to do so much more then we can. Both can work more, there are not years spend having babies, raising them some and then having another one. And some parents are only able to stay at home for a short period, nothing wrong with that either.  I guess my moral of the story is to decide what you what to do. I don't believe in having another child just for the whole sibling thing, if you want one then sure go for it, if you don't then I think you do need to make your DH hear you. Write it out, what ever you think might get through to him. Good luck. 

[katelove]

Is it an option for your husband to be the SAHP? Either now or a few months after the second child is born? Or could you both work part time and stay home part time?

[plantnerd]

Originally Posted by katelove 

Is it an option for your husband to be the SAHP? Either now or a few months after the second child is born? Or could you both work part time and stay home part time?

I wish, because I think it would be a better fit personality-wise.  Unfortunately he has more earning power in his field than I do in mine, and he also carries our medical insurance, which would be unaffordable to purchase privately.

I have been looking for part time work but am finding it tough to balance the pay with the cost of childcare.  Even if it only paid for my gas to get there and daycare it would be worth it to me though, I really need out of this house, and I think the boy does too.

[D_McG]

He's still pretty young.  I think it's normal to not be ready quite yet.  

I think going back to work is a good idea or can you add things to your day to make you happier for now? (if getting a job isn't practical for whatever reason).  Like to go the gym daily (free childcare :)), a part time job?  Those are two things I added to my life that helped a TON.  My job is just a crappy retail job but there are no kids involved and it's blissful.  

[beebalmmama]

I certainly wasn't ready for a second child when ds1 was 1, or 1.5 or 2 or 2.5..... The main reason I went back to work when ds was 1.5 yrs was financial. But I also was having a tough time being at home alone with him. I was going a little batty and also struggled with a bit of PPD in the first year. We had acquaintances that started having their second child when their first child was younger than our ds. I wondered if something was wrong with me because I was in no way ready for another child.....I don't think I would have been ready even if money wasn't a concern and I was still staying home. I started to feel more ready when ds turned 3. I really like the 4.5 yr spacing between them. I'm staying home again for a couple of years and then going back to school. I have found this second time around easier, ds2 at home and ds1 in all day kindergarten. Maybe since I knew what to expect. Although I still struggle being home some days. 

[FoxintheSnow]

As you are the one to carry the baby and the physical and emotional toll that takes, plus you are providing most of the care, I think this is really your decision. If you want to go back to work, go back to work. If he wants your kid to have have a sahp, then he should figure out a way to make it happen for him.

[camracrazy]

Can you do a shift opposite your husband or do weekend shifts and leave the kids with him? Maybe if he had to be the SAHP a couple of days a week he would better understand what it is like for you.

ETA: Funny story. My DH used to volunteer me all of the time to watch his nephew. His sister would call and ask if "we" could watch him, but it always ended up being me that would do all the watching. We didn't have kids at the time, had no toys or other baby stuff to keep the little guy entertained, and SIL would always show up an hour or two before she had to work and not come back until and hour or two after she got off. I started just leaving the house when I knew nephew was coming over, and staying away until I was fairly sure he had been picked up. It only took a couple of times before DH changed his mind about volunteering "our" babysitting services! LOL

[youngspiritmom]

Originally Posted by FoxintheSnow 

As you are the one to carry the baby and the physical and emotional toll that takes, plus you are providing most of the care, I think this is really your decision.

Sing it, sister!

[pregnant@40]

In my opinion, if one parent vetoes having a second child, then that's that. Especially since one parent carries most of the burden in bringing that child into the world, breastfeeding, and day-to-day parenting.

Yet also, you may eventually change your mind. There is always room to do so. I did not decide to have a second child until returning to work full-time & then getting into graduate school. I couldn't really compare working life w/ stay-at-home life until I returned to work & did that again for a few years. We did not decide to have our second until I was 39 (now 40), and our child 6yo. You still have time.

I say return to work.

Final aside... listened to a discussion about Betty Friedan & "The Feminine Mystique" today. Lots of women in the 50's were bored out of their minds staying at home doing childraising at the expense of careers. Women would have panic attacks & suffer extreme anxiety, and couldn't understand why they felt so unhappy. Women have fought hard for the right to have careers. If this is what you want, don't feel ashamed or torn about your decision. It is your right as an adult human being. And if you are happy & well-attached to your son, he will also thrive.

[asraidevin]

Maaaaaaaany years ago (okay like 5) I stumbled across a website about how to keep you sanity while you stay home. The basics were if you stsy home you need to keep yourself stimulated by setting goals, learning new things and almost acting like you had a part time work at home job. The website got lost on my old computer, sadly. It was really great. She suggested you set short and long term goals. Like learning to computer program or a craft, or a blog (the site was when blogging was still new so I'm not sure it was on the list). But basically, you can't let yourself do nothing all day.

Even if you do go back to wok it's still a way to get you started. Tell DH he's taking the child for an hour when you get home because you need to be more than someone's mom. (I say this everytime I shower).