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How many times have you been told your lazy don't do anything or to "F" off because he is angry?

post #1 of 34
Thread Starter 

I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years but through most that time I have contributed by babysitting, ebay, pampered chef, ect.  But when it comes to the arguments I am lazy I don't do anything and I am always a B... 

 

Now I keep getting the threat of he is going to file for divorce everytime he gets mad at me.  I really don't care anymore I don't want to be his punching bag anymore.  

 

I would love for things to change but it's been over 14 years and I just don't think that will ever happen.

 

So just curious if I am over sensitive to it or it's really not normal?

post #2 of 34

couldn't read and not post.  hugs to you mama.  you may want to try posting in parents as partners as this sounds like it's definitely not just an issue regarding your sahm status.

your "contribution" is staying at home and taking care of your children - regardless of ebay, babysitting, or pampered chef.

14 years is a long time to be angry and it's not overly sensitive to not want to be called names or to F off, especially when you've spent the day caring for children you conceived with the man doing this to you.

i'm sorry and i hope things will get better for you.

if "punching bag" is literal, i hope you will find access to domestic violence resources.  your and your childrens' safety is top priority.

post #3 of 34

Absolutely, 100%, can't-say-this-loud-enough, NOT NORMAL. And you do not have to put up with it. Are you able to access domestic violence resources in your local area? The people there will be able to help you with practical advice as well as more reality checks as you need them.

 

Good for you for posting. I'm sure it wasn't easy.

 

 

ETA - Oh, and to answer the question in your subject line, I have NEVER been told/called any of those things. I am thanked for cooking, thanked for cleaning, thanked for caring for our girl, thanked for being his wife and treated with respect and love at all times. You deserve that too!

post #4 of 34
Thread Starter 

Ha!  Be told thankyou for anything this is my job.  That sure would be nice...

 

He always throws everything back at me and tells me I do it right back to him but I really don't think I do.  I know I am not happy cheerful all the time but I don't tell him the things he does me and I don't try and fight with him in front of the kids.  He knows that is the one thing that will hurt me so obviously he only fights with me in front of the kids.

 

He always says I don't show him any appreciation for him working and supporting us but I have tried. 

 

 

post #5 of 34

Never, ever, ever has DH called me any of those things.  If he did, that would be the end of our marriage at worst or the start of professional marriage counseling at best.  If he said those things in front of DD, I'd go for a physical separation asap, because that is way, way, way beyond acceptable.  It's not just cruel to you; it is harmful to the kids as well.  Bottom line.

 

Big hug.gif.  Please find a way to change your situation. 

post #6 of 34

Not normal. Not at all normal. My father has *never* spoken to my mother that way. My husband has *never* spoken that way to me. Or vice versa. If he did, we'd be having a Big Talk about respect and communication and where our relationship is going, we'd be getting into counseling, or he'd be leaving until he got his head on straight.

post #7 of 34

Never ever ever has DH said I was lazy, even when nothing gets done around the house, and trust me, this place can get destroyed when the baby is cranky and the 2 year old is running loose.  If he ever did, I'd send him straight back to his mother. 

post #8 of 34

Not normal!

post #9 of 34

That is called a Bad Attitude and is not healthy and has nothing to do with you being a sahm.

hug2.gif

 

There is nothing good or normal about that.

 

My dh has jokingly said (once) "I think the dishwasher has made you lazy" because there were in fact about three meals worth of dishes in the sink, waiting to be loaded.  And he *once* in a complete abscense of mind let lose with some name calling.  We hashed that one out real quick, let me tell you.  He spent years of his childhood hearing his grandparents verbally abuse each other, but there is no way I'm going to live my life like that.  Over the 8+ years we've been married, I've been a sahm and he has thanked me time and time again for being willing to sah, and for the work I do in the home.

post #10 of 34

Nope, my dh hardly ever says a word about things that don't get done around here.  He'll ask me at his lunch break and after work every weekday what we've done today as a curtosey because he knows that is an acknowledgement to me of the work I do aroung here, and then insists I take nights and weekends off from the kids and house so that I can do my own homework for college.  If I decide to take a day totally off (like today!) he just laughs and says ok that its not a big deal.  But if I take too many days of not doing a full day of schoolwork with the girls he will say something (right now he's chewing his nails a bit because we've been doing half days of homeschool since Halloween but is backing off because he knows that when I really back off lessons and chores, I'm usually struggling with my college classes or cycling and need some time to get a grip on myself).

post #11 of 34
Thread Starter 

Oh ya I am also going to college for nursing to try and better our situation and he tells me that it's a waste of his time and money I need to quit and get a job...

 

I guess I have not thought it that outside of normal because I don't think I have ever seen a happy marriage myself.  My mom has never been happy my grandma and grandpa hate each other.  So I have grown up around it I guess don't know that I believe that there is such a thing as happiness :( 

 

I hate for my kids to grow up like this and I don't want to do it anymore but there are times when he is a semi good dad and husband never emotionally connected to any of us but civil and we enjoy our time together I guess if I really want to say that.  I wish he would get help but he always says it's me.  He has been diagnosed as bipolar in the past when I got him to go to the doctor but he will not take medication for says he doesn't like the side effects.

 

I know I am not perfect there are many days when laundry doesn't get done or dishes might get piled up but my kids are always taken care of.  Sometimes it's hard for me between the depression and hypothyroid I just don't have the energy to get things done.  But I do try and the house is never that horrible just lived in.

post #12 of 34

Countless times. I'm in the midst of divorce procedings. 

post #13 of 34
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklefairy View Post

Countless times. I'm in the midst of divorce procedings. 



How long have you been married?

post #14 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyjamieof2 View Post

Oh ya I am also going to college for nursing to try and better our situation and he tells me that it's a waste of his time and money I need to quit and get a job...

 

 


 

Do not quit school! Getting a degree in nursing will lead to a better paying job and the ability to stand on your own two feet. He is probably worried that you won't need him once you're making better money and wants to keep you under his thumb. That is also not normal or right, it is a sign of abuse. hug.gif

post #15 of 34

Not normal in a relationship.

 

Do the nursing! You will make a great income and then you can free yourself from this abusive relationship. If my dh would talk like that to me I think I would seperate and move back home or in with a friend. Life is way to short to be living it with someone who tells you that you are crap.Hugs and wishing you better days ahead.

post #16 of 34

Yeah, not normal! That's verbally abusive. I wouldn't take it. It'd suck to not be a SAHM anymore but I would not accept my hubby treating me that way. I'd recommend a good, long, honest, calm conversation about what's happening and tell him you aren't gong to accept his behavior toward you anymore. You need him to change for things to work. Also, you may want to ask if he has a specific issue with you that he'd like to see improved. Since I don't know how you guys interact.

 

If that does nothing then I'd feel like I'd personally go with separation explaining your hoping to reconcile if you're both open to that and if that doesn't work - divorce. :( 

post #17 of 34

 

Quote:
  He has been diagnosed as bipolar in the past when I got him to go to the doctor but he will not take medication for says he doesn't like the side effects. 

 Just wanted to point out that this is *classic* for bipolar disorder.

 

This is not your problem.  It's his.  He is mentally ill.  Whichever end of the mood swing he's at, his perpective on reality is not healthy.  Telling you to quit nursing school and just get a job is a good example of that, actually. 

 

None of this is an excuse for verbal abuse, but that is probably a symptom of this deeper problem.  Maybe getting it clarified that he is mentally ill and not in treatment will help you better figure out what you need to do about this.

 

I have a friend who left her husband because he was bipolar and severely abusive.  They were in a church where divorce is a BIG no-no.  She had to separate, because it had reached the point where she'd had to install deadbolts on her children's bedroom doors so they could keep their father out at night and have a safe place to go to if he went bonkers during the day. :(  She will not divorce him, but she is living in another state and won't return until he is in treatment and has assurances that their home church will require him to *stay* in treatment.  I do know some people who have successfully stayed married to someone who struggled with this disorder, but they had to be very, very firm that treatment was a condition of staying married. 

post #18 of 34
Thread Starter 

I am trying to set my limits and do this but I don't have much hope that it will change.  I left him a note in his lunch cooler telling him I expect him to get medical and physc help as soon as he has insurance at this new job and that I won't stand for anymore of the fighting or I will be the filing for divorce I told him I am not afraid to live without him I am afraid to live with him.  I don't know if he even saw it I expected to get a "nice" text in regards. 

 

I have the hardest time admitting to myself that I am in a abusive relationship because he has tried for so many years to tell me I do it to him just the same and worse but I can't see how I do.  I know I have gotten pretty mad with some of these fights and have replied back with not so nice stuff but most the time I am just in tears.  But he has made me feel like I am no better then him.  But I know it is because I am always trying to get the house just a little bit cleaner or making his sandwiches for the next day anything to try and keep him uh happy I guess which he never is but I am afraid if I don't do these things he will freak out.

 

No one else ever see's him act this way he is one of the nicest people you could probably meet to anyone but me.  He talks to his friends in a calm pleasent voice but most the time with me it's snappy shouting tone and it really sets me off into anxiety I try and not snap back at him to avoid a fight but I get so wound up I start having heart plaps and can't breath.

 

His mom knows he acts this way because I talk to her but I don't think she has ever seen him in his rage but he is not that respectful to her, he claims he hates his mom and the rest of the family.  We didn't have any relationship with them until I ran into her at walmart and begged her to just deal with him so me and the kids could come around and it has been good between me and the family since.  Me and the kids seem to be the only targets I don't understand why.  Is this typical for bipolar?

post #19 of 34

Our relationship started 20 years ago. We've been married for 12 of those. It got worse after we had children, and our relationship has improved immensely since we separated about 5 years ago.

post #20 of 34
Thread Starter 

One of the worst things for me is he has never apologized for his actions and will tell me even after the storm he is not sorry.  He really thinks he is in no wrong.

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