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How many times have you been told your lazy don't do anything or to "F" off because he is angry? - Page 2

post #21 of 34

After reading through the thread. Maybe it would be wise to separate with the goal of reconciling after he's received treatment and has improved. My original recommendations were before I saw he had bipolar.

I would try to introduce that topic in a very calm way though. Maybe say, it's just not working being treated the way you have been and being afraid for the family. Explain that you want him to seek treatment and that you think it would be best to separate for now until he hopefully gets better. Then see what he says. 

 

EDIT:

He might not realize what he has with you until you aren't there anymore. Just a thought. And he might not realize what he has done until after he seeks out an effective treatment.Those are just guesses though.

post #22 of 34
Thread Starter 

Our problem wich has kept us from doing such is money we can barley make it with what we have so to have another rent bill it's just not possible and there is not anywhere with enough room for me and the kids and he won't leave the house he says it's his he pays the bills. 

I don't know that I would ever want to come back if I actually leave there has just been to much hurt and I don't trust him.  But at the same time if he would get help and things were to change I don't think I would leave either but I don't think even with help that it will be the relationship I long for.  So it still seems unfair to me.  But it's hard to leave if things are ok when the kids are involved.

But I know I can't make him change so unless he wants to nothing will change and I will leave.

post #23 of 34

That was one of the toughest things -- grappling with our differing realities. I had to remind myself over and over that he didn't get to define reality for me, that my experience and "true north" plenty valid without his consenting to them.

 

Ultimately, he did get counseling and he has apologized, sincerely, for his past actions. But I wouldn't go back to how we were and hope that it would turn out this way if we hadn't broken up.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyjamieof2 View Post

One of the worst things for me is he has never apologized for his actions and will tell me even after the storm he is not sorry.  He really thinks he is in no wrong.

post #24 of 34

I have never been spoken to like that....

 

I would call a domestic violence hotline and see if they know of some options.

 

Maybe you can go on welfare while pursuing the nursing?  Maybe student loans?  Do you own a house together, car, etc...if you separate or divorce half are yours and can be turned into cash.

 

I do not think you should allow your kids to see their mother treated like this.  Your whole family deserves better.  

 

I almost never tell people to separate on MDC, but I really do think you should consider it

 

Vibing strength to you....

 

Kathy


Edited by purslaine - 12/29/10 at 1:39pm
post #25 of 34
Thread Starter 

Yes we have house 2 vehicles boats 4wheelers and credit cards we owe on all of it.  And I am stuck because my name is on all of it.  I talked to the bank and they are not able to take me off any of it but they have lowered a few payments for 6 months for us.  I have been trying to do a loan modification with the house and I am not sure what is going to happen with that they have pretty much told me our option is to short sale which I guess might not be the worst thing.

 

That is one thing he has done many times that makes me believe the bipolar diagnosis he decides he wants something and has to have it now.  I have ended up going along with it because I thought it would make him happy and it obviously has not.

post #26 of 34
Thread Starter 

 

Regarding the kids seeing him act the way he does..

  

I may be called dumb for this but I refuse to let the kids watch it and think it's ok I have always explained to the kids that you don't act like that you don't hurt other people call names ect. 

I know this doesn't make everything ok but it's all I have been able to do in the situation.  Trying to make him realize what he does to the kids doesnt work.

 

I have just watched to many people protect the offending parent and it has never done any good.

 

I am not the perfect parent but when I get upset or something I always apologize to my kids and tell my kidRegarding the kids seeing him act the way he does..

 

I may be called dumb for this but I refuse to let the kids watch it and think it's ok I have always explained to the kids that you don't act like that you don't hurt other people call names ect. 

I know this doesn't make everything ok but it's all I have been able to do in the situation.  Trying to make him realize what he does to the kids doesnt work.

I don't want my kids growing up thinking this is ok.

 

I have just watched to many people protect the offending parent and it has never done any good.

 

I am not the perfect parent but when I get upset or something I always apologize to my kids and tell my kids why I was wrong.

post #27 of 34
Thread Starter 

Hmm not sure why that post is screwy :/ Sorry

post #28 of 34

I would like to add that if he is bipolar I feel for him.  There is a difference between feeling for somebody and staying with them, though

 

We only get one life to live.  If he is mean to you and shows no sign of changing, you need to get out.

 

If he gets the help he needs and genuinely seems to be doing better, you can see if there is anything left build on...but for now take care of yourself and your children.

 

Have you done a financial inventory of sorts?  Add up all the debts - then add up the amount you could get (minus expenses) for all your assets and see what the difference is.  With any luck (fingers crossed!) you may have more financial options than you think.  

 

I would consider making an exit plan

 

I would consider posting on the single mama forum - they probably have great insight

 

I would talk to someone IRL and locally about options.

 

Edited to add:  I, too, apologise to my kids when I am wrong.  I think you are Right to explain to your kids that people should not treat others like crap - even if you cannot prevent it at this instant you can let them know you know it is not OK.  At some point it has to go beyond talking, though, and into action.  Their mother, you, a person,  does not deserve to be treated like garbage.  He either needs to change shortly, or you need to move on.  Put some time limits around things.  Hugs, mama!

 

post #29 of 34

Couldn't read and not post to give support.

 

If you are concerned about the $$ because of the toys (boats, ATVs) and debt because your name is on it, start selling the toys. They are yours, you can sell them. I'm not saying your next stop should be CL, but there is ALWAYS an option.

 

Talk to a professional, maybe a divorce lawyer, or even just your banker. They have seen (if not been through) similar situations. They know where you can find the information you need or the help you need.

 

hugs

post #30 of 34


If they are both on the title, she probably cannot just sell them without his consent and signature.

 

A lawyer could tell you for sure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kriket View Post

Couldn't read and not post to give support.

 

If you are concerned about the $$ because of the toys (boats, ATVs) and debt because your name is on it, start selling the toys. They are yours, you can sell them. I'm not saying your next stop should be CL, but there is ALWAYS an option.

 

Talk to a professional, maybe a divorce lawyer, or even just your banker. They have seen (if not been through) similar situations. They know where you can find the information you need or the help you need.

 

hugs

post #31 of 34

Wow... I've been married 11-1/2 years and the majority of the first 4 were an absolute nightmare where we almost landed in divorce (and the last year has been OVERWHELMINGLY difficult with a ridiculous number of external stressors--way too many to reasonably bear, and the fighting has kicked up significantly greensad.gif).  I come from two manipulative, abusive parents that divorced each other but went on to remarry (and remarry... and then remarry again) in a family that has never had a shred of happiness and then married into more misery.

 

I have never had those words spoken to me in the heat of anger (or otherwise).

 

My husband is also not bipolar.  My mother is.  A pp said it best: feeling for them is not equivalent to staying with them and living with it.  I also have a friend who separated from her bipolar husband who goes on and off his meds (when he feels better, he "doesn't need them" anymore  eyesroll.gif ).  They are now divorced and she is a single mom of 2.

 

Don't quit your nursing program.  With him or without him, you'll need the income.  I would definitely call a domestic violence hotline and ask for some resources, though.

post #32 of 34

not. not. not. not. not normal. not ok.  Not. Not. Not.  I feel very blessed to have a wonderful man who appreciates what I do and comes home from work to help out with what I didn't have time/energy to accomplish during the day.  Mom's need all the love and support they can get.  It probably feels pretty vulnerable being a sahm and being treated like that.  There are things you can do, places you can go, people that will help you--- I'm sure of it.  you don't have to be treated that way.  your kids don't have to bear witness to that.  there are other options.  much, much, much love and hugs to you mamma!  

 

 

Love and Light

Fury

post #33 of 34

Oh I'm so sad to read this. And I hope that things have gotten better for the OP. I am feeling the sad, resigned emotions from you. You are too tired to put up a fight. You've lived with it so long you are half-convinced that he is right.

post #34 of 34

I realize you posted this a while ago, but I just saw it and feel compelled to respond.

 

What you describe with your husband is how my ex was.  We had twins who were born super-early, with major health complications.  Although I'd never intended to be a SAHM, once I finally got them home from the hospital I knew I had to care for them myself and any complications that created in other areas of my life, be damned.  Heck, with all their special needs, we couldn't have afforded to pay strangers to care for them full-time, anyway!  My ex worked full-time, outside the home and had a well-paying job, with great insurance.  We had everything we needed, on his income.  But, even though being left alone with our kids for a mere hour seemed like hell to him, because they were so frighteningly fragile (and demanding and nonverbal, like any babies!), he just could not get past the idea that I was "doing nothing" because I wasn't working outside the home and earning an income; and that there was something embarrassing about my ability to stay home and not hate it - I must have no drive or ambition.  And naturally, if absolutely everything was not spotless and perfectly in order, in our home and with our finances, that was further proof that I "just sat on my a** doing nothing all day" (which he said more than once).  As though physically caring for our children, interacting with and stimulating them, overseeing all their medications, treatments and therapies around the clock and carting them everywhere - including weekly doctor's appts. - with apnea monitors and oxygen tanks attached... was nothing, if I didn't manage to vacuum and wash the dishes, before he walked in the door!

 

He slowly lost all respect for me, and showed it.  For a while, I felt terrible about myself and kept thinking, "If I can just do more.  If I can just keep things cleaner, or quit taking naps and use that time for paperwork and financial stuff.  If everything about our life were perfect when he got home, then he'd realize I'm doing something of value with my time."  But that didn't last long.  I was exhausted and I KNEW there was value in what I was doing.  HE may not have understood the importance of me playing with our kids, but he was wrong.  When he finally told me (when the twins were 2) that he'd signed a lease on an apartment and was leaving, I felt surprisingly OK with it.  It was a big relief.  

 

Maybe I should have left him, but in retrospect, waiting until he did it put him in the position of feeling guilty (whereas if I'd left him, he might have felt rejected and angry).  I think this made him more reasonable about discussing financial and parenting-time arrangements, instead of trying to use those things to be punitive, as so many people are, during divorce.  This dynamic may be something for you to consider, with your husband.  If he's threatened to leave, but hasn't, some sort of guilt is making him hesitate.  If you can stand staying with him longer, you might let that play itself out.  If he gets to the point of actually leaving, but some tiny, inner voice is still telling him he's selfish and unreasonable, he may try to make amends for that by not fighting you about reasonable custody and child support.  I'm not saying be manipulative and nasty toward him.  He's still your kids' dad.  But there's no need to go about this in a way that makes things even harder, for yourself.

 

In my case, my ex and I were both very young (early twenties).  He had no experience with kids, whereas I had a lot and was much less intimidated by our kids' needs.  After a couple prickly years, we came back around to being friends and somewhere along the way, he seems to have developed a lot of respect for me, as a mother.  I don't know if that's due to input from his family and friends that changed his attitude, or the fact that as the kids have grown older (and verbal) he's become more confident in his own parenting skills and spends much more time with them and now realizes the work involved in raising kids, and its importance...??  Interestingly, he's now married to a woman who has never been interested in working outside the home.  They have a toddler and she wants 3 more!  They do have a beautiful, spotless home, but he pays for a lot of expensive, professional help with that and by no means expects her to do it all by herself - even before she had a baby to care for.  In a very small, subtle, Freudian way, I look at the lifestyle he's chosen with his wife as a tiny, quiet statement to me:  "I'm sorry.  Perhaps you were right."

 

In your case, it sounds like your husband has continued with the same attitude too long to expect it to change.  It is NOT your fault.  I'm not telling you to leave your children's father and break up their home.  But if you do - or if he leaves you and you feel relieved and ready to find someone nicer - there is no shame in it, for you.  Remind yourself of that, because he'll want you to think there is.

 

My current husband does get annoyed sometimes, if our house (with 4 boys in it, now) gets messy (and boy, it really does, sometimes)!  But I tell him he's welcome to do the dishes or run a load of laundry and help.  And he does.  And he never tells me staying home and raising our kids is nothing.  Never.  And you don't deserve for anyone to ever say it to you, either.

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