New to gentle discipline

[LDF]

Hi! I'm in desperate need of help right now I'm new to the whole gentle discipline technique and since I live around a bunch of mainstream types I'm not sure where else to ask these questions. I'd appreciate some help!

I have a newly turned 4 year old and a 4 month old. My daughter (4 yo) has been acting out a lot lately and I've always had a pretty easy time with discipline but I'm getting to the point where I feel lost and confused. I don't understand what to do when the logical consequence doesn't do anything or there doesn't really seem to be a logical consequence and your child continues behaviors regardless of discipline or consequences.

Edit:

I guess I should give an example: We have a pair of cockatiels that laid eggs and DD won't stop trying to pester them. I explained (natural consequence) that if she doesn't leave them alone they won't take care of their babies and then the eggs won't hatch. She still harasses them and I can't figure out a logical consequence for this behavior. I have no where else to put the cage, so I can't put it out of reach and the birds are getting stressed out by her constant attention. How do I figure out a consequence for this type of problem?

Edited by LDF - 12/28/10 at 9:11pm

[caenach]

Is a consequence what’s missing? It seems, to me, that you have explained the consequence to your daughter, but she is simply too young to understand the finality or gravity of that consequence. I think I’d do what I could to take the decision out of her hands, entirely. And continue to use redirection and gentle reiteration to encourage the behavior I wanted.

In the example that you gave, for instance....

Can you move some furniture or collapsible gates in front of the cage so that she cannot get close to them? Put them up higher than she can reach or hang the cage? I realize that disturbing the cage of nesting birds is likely to be just as disruptive as a small child, but maybe there’s some way to shield the cage from her attention? What does she do that’s bothering them? Are they in a nest-box which could be turned to face away from her so that they really don’t see her? Can you cover part of the cage?

Can you help her understand the bird-boundaries in a more defined way? Maybe something like placing a piece of tape on the ground to show her where she’s allowed to stand in order to look at the birds? Or setting up a “egg-watching” station with a chair and some paper/crayons to draw her observations from a safe distance.

I’m not sure how much you’ve talked through/built up the impending egg-hatching, but maybe there’s a way to more actively involve her in the care of the birds in a positive way. I.e., “come help me prepare lunch for the birds—they need lots of good food while they take care of their eggs.  Let’s hard-boil some eggs for the mommy bird to eat. Can you refill this cup with water from the sink? Would you like to help me make some new bird toys for the baby birds, once they’re hatched?”  My DD often really responds to increased responsibility.

Can you read together or watch some youTube videos about hatching eggs and discuss in more detail what will happen, why the birds need quiet and stillness now?  A lot of my DD’s, um, “exuberant” curiosity can be tamed by an overload of information, to the point where the item in question is no longer quite as interesting.

I think for me it would mostly be about redirecting her energy and/or encouraging positive interaction rather than just saying "no" a lot.

If you feel as if you must have some kind of parent-imposed consequence when the rules are broken, what about the “time-ins” that are often suggested on this board? If she bothers the birds, she has to relocate to the couch for some quiet time with Mama, some book-reading, something like that?

[Petie1104]

I agree with the pp about the "consequences" for messing with the birds.  At this point her impulse control is non-existent.  Prevention, redirection, and clear boundaries are the best thing right now.  I would do something like, every time she goes towards the cage I would cover it if that is possible.  I would also go to the dollar store and possibly buy her her own eggs to care for.  Get her a shoe box to put them in (you know, like easter eggs, the plastic ones) and let her decorate it and care for her own eggs. 

GD takes alot of creative thinking and working with your child's individual personality.  For my dd, I would find a room (mine) and place the birds in there, then keep the door locked.  I would let her in once a day to "check" the eggs, but other than that, the cage would be completely off limits.  I would make her a nest to decorate with her own "eggs" to care for.  Then again, my youngest son, I would have him near the cage repeatedly with me watching him, after a short time, he'd get bored with it, no need for any other intervention.  So figure out what works for your child and go with it.  Every kid is different and the hardest part of GD is finding a solution that works for each child's individual personality.