how did you know to adopt??

[newbiemama09]

DH and i are just in the early stages of a family, we have a almost 2 year old DD and we're thinking about more. we've also been approached to consider adopting a 5-7 year old boy that we've met several times at an orphanage. my heart has also known we'd adopt at some point, but how do you know when? when did you know it was time to adopt? obviously finances is the largest factor in all this, and right now we more than likely can't even afford an adoption application fee. but still, how did you know it was the right time to adopt?

[Polliwog]

What kind of orphanage is he in?  Why isn't he in a foster home?  If parental rights have been relinquished/terminated then he's in the state's custody and the adoption would be really inexpensive or free.  What do you know about the child's history?  When was the last time he lived in a regular home?  Why doesn't he live with his birth family anymore?

[newbiemama09]

Originally Posted by Polliwog 

What kind of orphanage is he in?  Why isn't he in a foster home?  If parental rights have been relinquished/terminated then he's in the state's custody and the adoption would be really inexpensive or free.  What do you know about the child's history?  When was the last time he lived in a regular home?  Why doesn't he live with his birth family anymore?

he's overseas in Jamaica. i believe the parents rights have been terminated, but i'm not entirely sure. he's from an extremely physically and emotionally abusive home, he is special needs in that he's "delayed" compared to kids his age. he's been in this same orphanage since he left home, which was 5 years ago. i worry about bringing a 7 year old that will be very high-needs into a home of young children, worried if we can even handle it as parents.

[SundayCrepes]

The safety of your current child MUST be your first priority. If you are concerned this older child could hurt your daughter, do not go forward with an adoption.

Beyond that, it's all so personal. We adopted because I gave birth at 43 and it didn't seem we were going to get pregnant again. We wanted another child reasonably close in age to our son. It all just made sense and worked out well for us.

You have to decide what kind of life experiences you want for yourself and your daughter.  Having an older SN sibling will be hard for her. As long as she's safe, you have to decide if the benefits outweigh the hardships.

It's all so personal.

[Smithie]

I'm a supporter of out-of-birth-order adoptions, I think that they can be great. 

But I'd be worried about bringing home a child (of any age!) to whom I was legally bound before I even had a chance to see how he fit into my existing family. Is there any way that you and your DD could spend a month in Jamaica and have lots of visitation with this child and get to know his regular caregivers? I know that sounds like a really expensive proposition, but it would be so worth it. If you're hearing about this via a religious connection, you probably could get access to very cheap housing via that same ministry network. 

As to "special needs," eh, it could be a profound issue with a biological cause, or it could be the typical developmental delays resulting from too much time in an orphanage. That's another thing that you'd be able to get clarity on if you were able to pay an extended visit. 

In short, if I were you I would be really interested and excited by the possibility, but I would not commit until I spent time with the child. 

[pumpkingirl71]

Adopting a special needs child out of birth order is VERY taxing.  I did it and would not trade my family for the world, but there were moments I didn't know is I was going to make it.  And there were moments I thought my marriage has fallen apart.  My daughter is only four months older that my son, so though he did often become a target for her rage, she was little enough to manage this.  With an older child, you must consider how much power he have over a younger child.  I would be especially concerned if he has a history of sexual abuse.  I was hard go on after my daughter had hurt my son or a pet, but if her acting out had been sexual, I am not sure I could have looked at her without acting violently myself.

How did you meet this boy?  Another thing I would consider is that charm is a defense mechanism.  If he seems like a perfect fit for your family because of charm, there is a good chance he will have a hard time attaching to your family.  Our daughter was a friendly, bubbly girl who wrapped us around her finger.  But it has been a hard road since then.  This is very common.

Good luck!  I am sorry to be all doom and gloom, but going into adoption with your eyes open is so important!  It is so easy to get sucked into a happy every after story.  I know we did :)

[Polliwog]

If he hasn't lived in a family, it's hard to know how he would live in your family.  Visitations are very different than family life.  And that's even before any post-homecoming honeymoon period is likely to start.  I think you need WAY more information before you proceed.  I'd see about what medical and psychological assessments have been done and/or could be done.

My son's older sister was adopted at age six.  She had gone into foster care because of abuse and neglect at age two.  She's smart as a whip but she definitely has ongoing emotional challenges.  She's awesome, though, and I'm so happy she found her forever family before they moved out of state.

[newbiemama09]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

I'm a supporter of out-of-birth-order adoptions, I think that they can be great. 

But I'd be worried about bringing home a child (of any age!) to whom I was legally bound before I even had a chance to see how he fit into my existing family. Is there any way that you and your DD could spend a month in Jamaica and have lots of visitation with this child and get to know his regular caregivers? I know that sounds like a really expensive proposition, but it would be so worth it. If you're hearing about this via a religious connection, you probably could get access to very cheap housing via that same ministry network. 

As to "special needs," eh, it could be a profound issue with a biological cause, or it could be the typical developmental delays resulting from too much time in an orphanage. That's another thing that you'd be able to get clarity on if you were able to pay an extended visit. 

In short, if I were you I would be really interested and excited by the possibility, but I would not commit until I spent time with the child. 

i agree about the safety issue. that's my main concern. and we did spend a month in Jamaica before we got married, plus i've visited once before. the first time i visited the boy had just been taken from his home and he clinged to me and became my personal buddy, so i feel connected to him. but he's in an oprhanage where so many caregivers come and go, he can't remember them all. it is a very, very safe orphanage; privately-funded and Christian, which is important. the regular staff is great, too.


 

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71 

Adopting a special needs child out of birth order is VERY taxing.  I did it and would not trade my family for the world, but there were moments I didn't know is I was going to make it.  And there were moments I thought my marriage has fallen apart.  My daughter is only four months older that my son, so though he did often become a target for her rage, she was little enough to manage this.  With an older child, you must consider how much power he have over a younger child.  I would be especially concerned if he has a history of sexual abuse.  I was hard go on after my daughter had hurt my son or a pet, but if her acting out had been sexual, I am not sure I could have looked at her without acting violently myself.

How did you meet this boy?  Another thing I would consider is that charm is a defense mechanism.  If he seems like a perfect fit for your family because of charm, there is a good chance he will have a hard time attaching to your family.  Our daughter was a friendly, bubbly girl who wrapped us around her finger.  But it has been a hard road since then.  This is very common.

Good luck!  I am sorry to be all doom and gloom, but going into adoption with your eyes open is so important!  It is so easy to get sucked into a happy every after story.  I know we did :)

special needs doesn't worry me so much, but i know it will my husband. i've worked with all kids of all disabilities and i have loved it, but it would be VERY challenging for DH.

i also fear it wouldn't be fair to DD, to adopt an older sibling. my would much rather adopt when i thought we were near done having kids, so at least ours would be able to understand the concept of adopting and bringing another child into our home. i fear with a special needs, and maybe possibly harmful, child would be too much for DD at her age of 2. although it will likely take a year to get through the process, we're hoping to have more kids before that time, so that means DD will adjust to a new baby sibling and an older sibling.