How serious is the "have kids before 30" thing? - Page 2

[geekgolightly]

ITA
 

Originally Posted by NevadaMama 

I truly hope that I don't offend anyone or get any flack for my opinion, but this is something that I do feel strongly about, so I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in.

Before becoming a SAHM at age 28, I spent 5 years as an RN at an Ob/Gyn & fertility clinic - I worked Maternity at a large hospital for 4 years before that (2 years as an aide while in nursing school). Believe me when I say, I have seen everything!

I really believe that this is one of those rare cases when you have to believe the statistics. I have seen WAY more heartache, broken marriages, tears, miscarriages, special needs babies, stillbirths, seizures, and even death in women over 30 who were trying for their FIRST child. I am emphasizing "FIRST" here because it is statistically easier to conceive again and have a healthy pregnancy into your 30s if you've already had a child in your 20s. With that said, I think it is in a woman's best interest, for the sake of her health and that of her child, to have her first baby while still in her 20s.

In my 9 years working with mamas-to-be, I have rarely seen a trouble-free first pregnancy with a 30-something woman - I have never seen a trouble-free first pregnancy with a 40-something mama. I know there are exceptions to the rule, of course, as I'm sure some mamas on here have had awesome pregnancies and healthy first babes well into their 30s or 40s, but I'm just commenting on my experiences.

You have to remember, that this trend of having children later in life is something that women have only been doing for the last 40 years or less - this is not what our bodies are meant to do. We are trying to beat thousands of years of evolution to make life more convenient for us. Your body doesn't know that you need to have a home, car, master's degree, and xxx dollars in the bank before it's ok to get pregnant. Please, this is JMHO - I'm not judging you or your choices. Just remember that all choices have consequences, and if you decide to wait, you might be in for a tougher time than you thought. Then again, only YOU know when you're ready to have a child, and if you feel that you need to wait, then all the best of luck to you when you do decide to go for it

[littlethingstx]

I have not read all the posts, so this may be repetitive.  Just want to share because your question is soooo familiar to me.  I am 38 now.  In my twenties I did not want to have kids at all, but I did not want to miss out, either.  So, we made a rule that we we would think about it at 27 and decide... and that would be the perfect age to get in our two kids and be done.  I planned on being fertile Mertle and everything working out just like I planned it to.  Guess what?  It didn't.  First of all, it took nine months to get preg.  Then, after that preg I got preg a year later and miscarried.  By the time baby #2 was born it was four years... putting me over my "under the age of thirty plan".  And due to the miscarriage I got to rethinking birth control and such things, since birth control increases the chance of miscarriage.  And I actually found that I liked having kids!!! Wow!! That was the big thing.... the world tell you so much about how awful it is... and not how wonderful it is to do what your body was designed for and how amazing it all is.  Anyhow.... another preg because we thought three would be a good number to have and I had a fall and lost that preg.... We did not want to stop in such a depressing way, so we tried again and got baby #3, then baby #4, and now I am 38 and preg with baby #5.  Of course, I am treated like a prehistoric dinosaur by the medical community, but this has been my EASIEST preg out of them all.  I am healthier and wiser and I have more experience to bring into this one.  If you ask my husband and I both we both will tell you that we wish we had started in our mid-twenties, though.  I feel young.... and some days I feel old, but the reality is that when we look into our future there are very real concerns of whether we will live to see all of children grow up.  On that note, I say don't wait too late. You can't get back time!!  Money... well, it is definitely an issue, but you can never have enough of it anyway and you always seem to spend whatever you have in most cases.  Don't be a afraid to take "charity" as some refer to it.  If you want a baby and you have qualify for some assistance somehow, then I say take it and be grateful that it is there for you to use.  Maybe that is not an issue... I am just saying don't let finances get in the way of a family... remember you can't get time back.  Once it is gone, it is gone.  I look at my four beautiful kids and I wonder what babies I might have missed out on in the 10 years I was on the pill.... I can't ever know or get that time back. 

One last thing... it is our society and medical system that "teach" us that there is something wrong with us as we age and go through childbearing.  Do some reading on childbirth... and I don't mean like "What To Expect When You Are Expecting".  I mean real childbirth books.  If our bodies were too old to bear children, then the ability would not be there.... hence, menopause.  Until you hit menopause I believe your bosy is still "able".... not broken.  Like I said... I feel great at 38 and pregnant!  Actaully, many have said this time that I look 10 years younger than I am.  What can I say... children keep you young!

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by poppiesinjuly 

I don't think anyone should get pregnant before they feel ready.

Agreed.

I conceived when I was 33.  Had DS at 34.  I am the last of my friends to have a babe and so damn grateful I waited.  I have more patience then I did at even your age.  I highly recommend having a babe after 30!
 

[JollyGG]

Stastically fertility does decrease after age 30 and decreases to a larger amount after 35. The incidence of birth defects also goes up slightly after age 30 and more so after age 35. But realistically you are still talking about relatively small numbers. I can't remember the study right now. However, there are plenty of women who have kids into their 40s.

[trauerweidchen]

I think a lot of the potential health consequences have been covered well by previous posters, so I'm primarily going to mention something else--what it's like to be the child of older parents.

My mother had me, her first, when she was 35 and my father was 42 (almost 43, since our birthdays are in the same month). She had my brother five years later--a couple of months before she turned 41, and my father was 49. Conceiving both of us was fairly easy for them, and I think her pregnancy with me was very healthy--she had a midwife, and a home birth, but I was early (about 36 weeks though good-sized) and that first month she worried about me a lot. My brother's pregnancy was harder on her because she was older; she had more invasive tests done than with me because of the increased risk of birth defects, but it still went perfectly well, and he was a healthy full-term infant.

Growing up with older parents had advantages and disadvantages. My father especially had lots of child-rearing experience (having had children from a previous marriage), and because they were better established financially than when they were younger we grew up in a house they had built themselves, got to go along on business trips to Europe, and had several yearly trips to the old log cabin they were able to buy when my brother was a baby. They homeschooled us and sent us to a private high school, and were able to pay for our college educations (partially funded by scholarships and student jobs too, of course). But they had less energy than younger parents would have, and money was still a concern because they were self-employed (financial freedom doesn't always happen by a certain age!), so they worked a lot, though not as much as when they were farming, in spite of being at home with us.

Looking at it now, the age difference is getting more stark. My brother is a senior in college and my father is in his early 70s, so when most people would be retired, he's still working to support a child. (Obviously this is a personal choice--to get his kids through college--and he loves his work, but it's worth noting.) Both of my parents are exceptionally healthy and active people, but they are starting to get to an age where good health can disappear quickly. My mother has been sick a lot and that's worrisome. At a time when I'm busy starting my own life and have my own young family, I'm concerned too about caring for aging parents--not that that is a bad thing, but it is something I am mindful of and concerned about. They love their grandson, but have less energy to enjoy him, and if I had waited until 35 to have our first, my father would be in his late 70s and my mom in her early 70s. That was certainly a factor I considered when thinking about timing my own family. And who knows when (or if) my brother will have children?

I have a perspective as the child of older parents that I find valuable--I place a high importance on enjoying the time we have and not taking youth for granted. I'm happy to have been born when, where, and how I was born, and I love my parents. I'm happy having just one sibling, but if they had had us earlier I might have another sibling or two. And I would love to have my parents in my life longer than I probably will.

That being said--I think it's important to have children on your timetable; I didn't think I would ever truly feel ready to be a parent, but the timing of our son was good for us. I wouldn't have wanted to have him younger than I did (25); I'm glad I didn't have him later, but my husband and I had been together nearly 10 years and married for three when he was born, and if that had been pushed back, I think we would have pushed children back as well. I plan on having my career once my children are a little older, but again, that's a personal choice. There is more than one correct choice here!

Good luck!

[kythryne]

I always swore that I didn't want to be pregnant after 30. We didn't decide we definitely wanted to have kids until I was 27, and then it turned out I had serious infertility issues that were not easy to resolve. I finally got pregnant via IVF a month before my 32nd birthday. My pregnancy was fairly normal, if physically challenging for me, and while I got risked out of the birth center at 39 weeks due to rapidly climbing blood pressure and suspected pre-e, I went into labor on my own before I could be induced and had a straightforward and mostly unmedicated hospital birth with a skilled CNM in attendance.

Do I regret continuing past my cutoff of 30? No. It was hard, I was (and am) exhausted, and I think a lot of things would probably have been physically easier in my twenties... but I think being a little older has made me better able to handle the challenges of parenting. I ended up with a wonderfully healthy and mellow baby who is an absolute joy, and I would have missed one of the best experiences of my life if I'd stopped trying at 30. 

My only real regret is that if we decide to have a second child, I will have to choose between spacing them closer than I'd like or being of "advanced maternal age" for my second pregnancy. I don't know what the answer to that will be, but we'll figure out it if and when we decide to go down that road.

[EviesMom]

When my mom was having babies, it seemed the conventional wisdom was by 30. Now it seems to be by 35-40. I had one at 29 and one at 33. No fertility issues, pg first try the first time and um, "accidentally" the second time (We'd been married for 10 years, and knew full well what we were doing, so it wasn't so much accidental as lazy I suppose. Obviously we were open to having a second child!). If you know you want more than one, I would personally try to start younger than 35, but I don't think you have to run to start before 30, given the OPs situation. 31-32-33. It's not like there's a magic line at any age, it's a gentle slope that gets steeper.

Edited by EviesMom - 1/22/11 at 4:00pm

[LittleOsMom]

I had my first baby just after my 30th birthday after a mere 5 months TTC.  I started TTC my 2nd at 31 and it took 2.5 years, 2 miscarriages, 2 surgeries, a failed IVF and a whole LOT of money.  I was perfectly healthy, in shape, etc.  My general health has nothing to do with my fertility.

My RE (ranked #3 in the nation, so while I don't have stats to back this up, the man knows his stuff) says we're most fertile in our late teens/early 20s and our ovarian reserve and quality is in continuous decline. By 25 we're well into the decline. By 30 we're old.  By 35, we're "Advanced Maternal Age" for a reason.

So if finances are important, wait, but babies don't care how much money you have, and love is free.  Take it from someone who was on her last cycle of trying and almost didn't have the kids she wanted.  Wait, but understand that you do so at a risk.  Nobody thinks they'll be infertile until they find themselves in the middle of hell.

[LittleOsMom]

Originally Posted by EviesMom 

When my mom was having babies, it seemed the conventional wisdom was by 30. Now it seems to be by 35-40. I had one at 29 and one at 33. No fertility issues, pg first try the first time and um, "accidentally" (We'd been married for 10 years, and knew full well what we were doing, so it wasn't so much accidental as lazy I suppose). If you know you want more than one, I would personally try to start younger than 35, but not before 30. 31-32-33. It's not like there's a magic line at any age, it's a gentle slope that gets steeper.

The only problem with this is you don't know where you are on the slope until you find out you're having problems.  How I went from no problems at 30 and infertile a couple years later, nobody can say.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by madcap150 

And frankly, as someone who always knew I wanted kids but didn't even meet my DH until I was 30, things like what NevadaMama says above scared the bejesus out of me. I didn't want to cheat myself out of a family, but what the heck was I supposed to do? It is really easy to say that "you should start before 30" when YOU were able to do so. But sometimes the circumstances just don't allow it.

I had a similar story, and definitely had many sleepless nights over it when I was in my mid/late 20s.  If I'd had the right partner then, I would have started trying in my mid-20s.

I think it's alarmist to warn women that it will be SOOOOO much harder after a particular birthday, because I don't think that is statistically borne out. If you have statistics to back up what you're saying (specifically that there is a dividing line at which all kinds of problems start rather than the gradual decline we all know about), please, throw them at me.

So base rates of fertility do decline gradually from the mid-20s to about 40, then there's a bit of a plunge at 40.  But the risk of Down's is flattish from menarche to just under 30 or so, then triples between late 20s and 35, and more than triples from 35 to 40.

http://www.ds-health.com/risk.htm

I just don't think anyone should rush into having kids when they *know* they're not ready, or time their kids closer together than they feel comfortable with, just because they get alarmed at pictures like the one you paint.

Depends what you mean by 'not ready.'  If 'not ready' means 'no suitable partner,' then yeah.  But the OP is married and is just debating getting in a better place financially before TTC.  To her I'd say, you can always work on your finances.  You can't get back time, or eggs.  And you never know how things will go until you start trying.  If you do run into any trouble, it will be important to have time on your side while you try to work it out.

[madcap150]

Mambera, thanks for the info about Down's. I really did think the numbers showed those risks to be gradual as well, so it's good to know. (The chances are still very high of having a healthy baby, though, which is always good news).

As far as the "not ready," as applied to the OP's situation I was thinking that she thought they needed to TTC now and be *done* having kids by 30? So I agree that getting into a perfect financial place is not necessary, but I was just thinking about what I think can be another recipe for disaster: getting pregnant when you have, say, a 9-month-old, and you know that for *you* that spacing is going to be too close and you will be overwhelmed, but you think you need to have all your kids born before you reach a certain birthday. Again, do you need to wait for everything to fall into place perfectly-- no. And if you have an accidental pregnancy "too early" and are able to make the best of it, then great! But I don't want to see anyone getting scared by alarmist convos into spacing their kids what they know will be too closely *for them* just because they think something terrible will happen otherwise.

[EviesMom]

She is talking about first baby though, I believe. It's almost surely not going to be a catastrophe to start 6 months later and be in better financial situation. If the OP waits 6 months and has trouble conceiving, I highly doubt that it would have been easy as pie 6 months earlier. You might want to think about what your cycles tend to be like, any sign of hormones changing. It's also so individual in terms of risks and preferences.

I wouldn't personally have any qualms in your situation with waiting a year until you're 28, having a baby, and then deciding on when to have a second. If it takes you 5-6 months to conceive the first time, or your cycle is already erratic, then don't wait as long in between. 

Women who have had trouble TTC are understandably going to say "Do it early!" On the other hand, because I've had no fertility issues, 2 kids on the first try, I think more about the financial and parenting side--if I had waited 6 months or a year to save up income or invest before getting pg either time, would it have been easier? You can work on finances later, but it is more complex with childcare, desire for a SAHP, etc. 

[frugalmum]

Everything I've read says that fertility takes serious plummets at 25, 35, 40, and 45 respectively (worsening with each plummet).

I am 37 now and recently had my first loss after 6 healthy births.  I can't help but think my age was a factor.  I got down on my knees and thanked God I had the 6 kids I did, when I had them, and that I didn't wait.  I started at age 23 and our financial situation was dreadful.  But we are ok now.

It seems like time is never on a woman's side when it comes to fertility!  That clock is always ticking away.

[Brown Lioness]

I just wanna say that im not alarmed at the statistics and i realize the possibility of having trouble conceiving a child.  I just wish that i knew all of this 10 years ago, i would have definitely put more priority on certain things than others.

[Belia]

This thread is really stressing me out.

But I waited until I was 35 to try and conceive DS and got pg on the second try.  It was a tough pg, but not due to my age or anything.  I am SO GLAD I waited.  I believe I am a much better mama now than I would have been younger.  I am more laid back and patient and wise.  I don't find lack of energy to be a problem or anything, and I'm pretty out of shape.

Now we're thinking about #2.  If it were up to me I would probably want to wait until DS was 5 or so, but we do not have the luxury of that much time.

[geek_the_girl]

This thread is depressing me. I had DD a month shy of my 30th b-day. We have been ttc #2 for about a year now to no avail. Im 38.

[StepMomSmith]

This thread is stressing me out a bit also.  As OP, I am trying to decide when to conceive my first child.  After having read all the posts, I can say that an alarming number of people have had fertility issues or have take years to conceive.  I have no idea what my fertility is like.  I can say that I'm very healthy- I eat well and exercise (Zumba, which is like dancing bootcamp).  My moms side of the family conceives quite well; my grandmother had 7 kids and my mom had 10 (but 7 miscarriages).  Financially, we're ok but have no savings and an average amount of debt to pay off.  I feel like I'm overthinking this but I am a planner and having kids is a huge deal.  My husband doesn't seem to be in a hurry, but he has a daughter through a previous marriage and we've only been married 6 months.
 

I appreciate all of your post.  It gives me a lot to think about.  I'll take all the info I can get.

[EviesMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by StepMomSmith 

This thread is stressing me out a bit also.  As OP, I am trying to decide when to conceive my first child.  After having read all the posts, I can say that an alarming number of people have had fertility issues or have take years to conceive.  I have no idea what my fertility is like.  I can say that I'm very healthy- I eat well and exercise (Zumba, which is like dancing bootcamp).  My moms side of the family conceives quite well; my grandmother had 7 kids and my mom had 10 (but 7 miscarriages).  Financially, we're ok but have no savings and an average amount of debt to pay off.  I feel like I'm overthinking this but I am a planner and having kids is a huge deal.  My husband doesn't seem to be in a hurry, but he has a daughter through a previous marriage and we've only been married 6 months.
 

I appreciate all of your post.  It gives me a lot to think about.  I'll take all the info I can get.

 

Keep in mind that this whole thread is in the fertility section. So much like people say on the anti-circ board "No one comes in here just to start a thread on how they had a normal healthy day with an intact child," in this section, you're going to get a lot of women who are worried about fertility and/or have fertility problems. I don't stop in here normally unless I'm pregnant or newly given birth and thinking about birth control. Otherwise, I don't think about fertility nor need to. There are lots of women who have no fertility issues well into their late 30s and they aren't likely to be posting here. So beware selection bias!

[geek_the_girl]

Originally Posted by EviesMom 

Keep in mind that this whole thread is in the fertility section. So much like people say on the anti-circ board "No one comes in here just to start a thread on how they had a normal healthy day with an intact child," in this section, you're going to get a lot of women who are worried about fertility and/or have fertility problems. I don't stop in here normally unless I'm pregnant or newly given birth and thinking about birth control. Otherwise, I don't think about fertility nor need to. There are lots of women who have no fertility issues well into their late 30s and they aren't likely to be posting here. So beware selection bias!

I don't know if this was directed at me or not but Im well aware of what to expect in this forum as I lurk quite a bit .. Only wanted to vent my frustrations about the info on this thread.

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by geek_the_girl 

Originally Posted by EviesMom 

Keep in mind that this whole thread is in the fertility section. So much like people say on the anti-circ board "No one comes in here just to start a thread on how they had a normal healthy day with an intact child," in this section, you're going to get a lot of women who are worried about fertility and/or have fertility problems. I don't stop in here normally unless I'm pregnant or newly given birth and thinking about birth control. Otherwise, I don't think about fertility nor need to. There are lots of women who have no fertility issues well into their late 30s and they aren't likely to be posting here. So beware selection bias!

I don't know if this was directed at me or not but Im well aware of what to expect in this forum as I lurk quite a bit :).. Just wanted to vent my frustrations.

No, I was actually trying to direct it to StepMomSmith, a new-ish poster with 16 posts, who said that she is also deciding on a timeframe to ttc her first child and is stressed that "an alarming number of people have had fertility issues or have take years to conceive." I don't think this thread gives a really accurate sense statistically of how many have trouble conceiving a first or second child after age 30, because of the forum it's in.