12 year old wants cell phone do she can text - Page 4

[purslaine]

We have come to a compromise we are pleased with.

Something I had forgotten about earlier (and I think she had too) - is she already has a fixed expense...guinea pigs.  She spends about $12 on them a month.  So...the cell phone would run her about $25, the guineas run about $12, so that makes 37$ a month of expenses.  Out of a 40$ budget.  Once I realized this I became even more concerned with her plan.  3$ per month is incredibly little spending money.

Her father and I have asked her to save 37$ for 2 months (which she can put towards her phone) just so she sees what it is like to live on so little money. My suspicion is she will not like it...but her stubbornness may mean she gets the phone anyways.  At least she will have 74$ to put towards the $100 phone...which means if she eventually does tire of having no money, she will not be on the hook for many more months while she pays off the phone.

She can also have , for free, a cell phone that no one uses.  It is pay as you go. It has texting capability.  She has tried it and does not like it as the buttons for texting are tiny and she thinks it is useless - but I think she may be able to adjust to the tiny buttons (and hey - a good portion of her money is at stake).  She has agreed to further  try it.

We have gone over rules for texting and for the most part she agrees.  She does want a phone with a camera, though. 

[oaktreemama]

I think that sounds great-and your daughter is involved as well-another plus. :)

I would allow the camera because while I understand that sexting happens, I also know that my nieces and their friends adore sending pictures to each other-of their dogs, their siblings, their parents, themselves, funny street signs, etc. Today's cell cameras are amazing and I think most of us would allow a child to have a camera if finances permitted it.

There is always risk that a tool will be misused and we have to weigh those chances. That said, this is a situation where I would allow implicit trust, rather then trust being earned. If that makes sense!!

[whatsnextmom]

Sounds like a good plan.

[ollyoxenfree]

It sounds like you have a good plan and I'm joining the conversation a little late. Leaving aside the financial issues, and the "phone text addiction", etiquette, and cyberbullying issues - all of which are valid concerns, I just wanted to comment that I kind of like the text option with my teens. I'm a little surprised by this, since I don't really like texting at all. I doubt I've ever sent a text to anyone other than the kids. I find it slow and cumbersome for most other purposes. But with the kids, I find I can get a quick message out and a quick reply, without the spectre of "nagging mom" that can appear with phone calls. I'm not sure why a text message seems to be easier and more acceptable than a phone call, but it is. We have nice, quick little chats by text that wouldn't necessarily happen otherwise. I'm finding it's a nice way to connect with them while they are out and about with their busy days.  I'm sure someone is thinking these chats aren't really necessary or could happen by telephone, which is true, but connection is valuable by whatever method it occurs. 

[Sharlla]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties 

I am just curious to all those saying yeah were you a family that restricted television or plastic toys when they were younger?

nope.

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties 

I am just curious to all those saying yeah were you a family that restricted television or plastic toys when they were younger?

We were. The TV was not on at all when they were infants and tots (well, not on during waking hours.) In preschool, each had a "show" they might watch a couple times a week. As elementary and high schoolers, they average less than 2 hours a week of TV and that is self-managed. We don't have any actually "rules" about TV time, they just prefer other things. I was also not a fan of cheap or trendy toys. We did have some plastic... Fisher Price Little People were favorites. They are plastic AND quality in my book. We pretty much have all the tech now.... laptops, DSi, Wii, cellphones... we just added them slowly and not until we were sure the kids were at ages where such things were useful and wouldn't be abused.

[fairejour]

 

I would allow the camera because while I understand that sexting happens, I also know that my nieces and their friends adore sending pictures to each other-of their dogs, their siblings, their parents, themselves, funny street signs, etc. Today's cell cameras are amazing and I think most of us would allow a child to have a camera if finances permitted it.

I work in a high school class, and EVERY SINGLE STUDENT over the age of 14 has sent or received naked pictures. It is not something that happens "sometimes", it happens all of the times.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by fairejour 

I work in a high school class, and EVERY SINGLE STUDENT over the age of 14 has sent or received naked pictures. It is not something that happens "sometimes", it happens all of the times.

Just out of curiosity - how do you know that EVERY student has done one or the other?

[fairejour]

It's a small school, we have talked about it...a lot. It is an issue that comes up often.

[karne]

Originally Posted by fairejour 

It's a small school, we have talked about it...a lot. It is an issue that comes up often.

I'm curious as to how this comes up within the classroom?  It's definitely a concern I have, and I have heard of a very few isolated cases from my dd.  But your experience seems really concerning.  Is this an exceptionally small class where kids are texting each other?

[stephanie95]

I have 2 ideas for you kathymuggle:

My DS is 15. I am not ready for him to have a cell plus we've been having issues so it's just not good timing. He did get an iPod with his own money. For $10 he was able to purchase an app that gives him unlimited texting for a year. The thing I like is that you have to have a Wifi connection in order to text. He can also use Face Talk (or whatever it's called that is on the iPod Touch 4G). I like that it's a multi-function unit but not freely use-able like the cell phone.

The other idea I had is for your DD to get a 2nd hand phone that has the features she likes. Then she isn't bound to Koodoo or anyone else for very long. I see lots of phones on Kijiji.

It's a tough decision. My DS is appeased for now. Plus cell phones in Canada are nowhere near as cheap as in the US!

[mattemma04]

In my case I would not.Dd is 11 and does not even like to talk on the phone.If she really wanted she could create an email and email her friends. I would only get a cell for emergency use not chit chat or txting.And for sure not photo taking to email!

[MamasBoys]

Having learned from my mistakes, I would still say "yes", but with some restrictions.  One of the biggest mistakes I made was not making a hard and fast rule from the very beginning that cell phones were to "dock" and charge in my bedroom in time for bedtime each night.  I have caught my son texting in bed late at night, which is not okay with me, mainly because he needs to be sleeping.  I also would set rules regarding polite texting behavior (no texting at the table, etc.) Rules should also be set regarding whether the cell phones comes to school, if it does--should it remain off?

The "reading texts" issue is complex.  I have read my son's texts before when I had thought I would never do so and as a result, I have found things that aren't necessarily terribly alarming, but issues which I would have wished I hadn't of known.  (Profanity, more interest in girls than I initially realized, etc.)

It's tough because texting allows such immediate responses and constant contact with peer groups.  In my day, we passed notes frequently in school, but that might mean 2-3 notes per day, whereas you can get hundreds of text moving in and out during a normal tween day. 

[teach94]

My oldest two children, 12 and 15, do have phones and they do text. I love the feature. My son texts me every day as soon as school is over for both of us (I teach at another high school). I like being able to remind them of things and the instant contact after a long day. My dd texts much more than my son. While my kids can take pics with thier phones, we do not allow them to send pics. For my son it is a protection issue; if a girl sends a naked pic and he opens it, he is legally responsible. All she has to do is say he asked her for it, and he becomes the one who will get in trouble legally. I teach public high school and we had seminars on this very thing for the students. The laws are different by state, but in ours it is very difficult to prove who said and did what, and the law often sides on the girls side. For my daughter, it also serves as protection. She will never have to worry about the temptation to give in to someone she really likes or has a crush on, asking her to send a pic. She simply doesn't have that feature.

Many people don't know that every cell carrier has the ability for parents to have certain features of the phones turned off during certain hours. If I had my way, I would want every student in my class to not be able to text during school. You can also limit who they can call and text during certain times; for example, you can make it to where during school hours, only family members can call or receive calls from your child. That way they can get to you in case of emergency, but you don't have to worry about them sneaking off to the rest room to call friends who are skipping, etc.

I think in this day and age learning texting ettiquite is very important. it is not going away.

I learned to text following Hurricane Katrina (up until then, I was in the "I will never text" camp). When cell phone reception was down, people could still text each other. I cannot describe how nerve wracking it was trying to find out who went where for evacuation, etc. (some had said they were going to one location, only to change it for certain reasons). Since cells phones weren't working, we were a nervous wreck. Now everyone in the family knows how to text. While my in-laws don't text all the time like we do, in an emergency they know how to send one or open one for important info. Seeing as how we have evacuated 3 times in the last 5 years, this is peace of mind for our family.

And I agree with the teacher who said that every student has received a pic of a naked person. They may not even know the person, but you would be shocked what kids send around textwise.

I do read my kids texts and they know I do. If I see something we need to talk about, we do.

[mamazee]

I believe it about every kid getting a naked picture because it's easy if person A gets it to send it to 10 or 100 other people.  They "go viral" and everyone gets the same picture.  It probably isn't a case of every kid getting a different picture.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by fairejour 

It's a small school, we have talked about it...a lot. It is an issue that comes up often.

So? Getting wasted every weekend was talking about a lot at my high school and I know at least one person who never did it. And there is certain percentage of kids who will lie, just to not be left out... Unless you check every students phone and see a naked picture that has been sent/received, you can't really know that every single student has sent or gotten a naked picture.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties 

I am just curious to all those saying yeah were you a family that restricted television or plastic toys when they were younger?

We limited TV when the kids were very young, but always let them pick their own toys.But I'm not sure how relevant that is. The teens years are about growing up and becoming independent. Even if you felt the need to control your child's life when they were little, this is the phase to gradually give them control so that have some practice making choices for themselves before they totally take the reigns for their lives. We only have a few years when they can do semi-grown up things, but with our input.

My parents were super controlling in the teen years so when I left home, I had no internal locus. Nothing to pull on to make choices -- just a bunch of crap rules that I thought were stupid and couldn't wait to get away from. I'm giving my kids a lot more than that -- I'm letting them have enough freedom to learn some judgment on their own. I think a parent who won't let their teen have a phone because "you'll just use it to send naked pictures" is really setting their kid up for stupid behavior once the kid leaves home. My goal isn't perfect behavior NOW, but rather helping my kids learn to make choices that will serve them well in adulthood. 

My kids both have cell phones (my younger DD got hers for her 12th birthday) and we have a family plan that allows unlimited texting. It's very cost effective this way. My DH and I pick up the monthly bill -- that was part of the gift.

My kids fall into the "once the new wore off, they didn't use them that much" category. They prefer to Skyp and/or face book with their friends. They can have their phones at school, but they must be stored in their lockers and turned off.

Their phones are primarily used when they are somewhere without me, coming home from school when I'm not here, etc. We really haven't had any problems. We have a small table where cell phones are plugged in at night, house keys sit, etc. It's by the door. It's not so much a "rule" as something that just flows nicely for my family.

Pay phones are few and far between these days, so I think that most kids are going to end up with a cell eventually. Rather than any parent saying NO, I think it makes more sense to think about when and under what conditions.

[karne]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

 My goal isn't perfect behavior NOW, but rather helping my kids learn to make choices that will serve them well in adulthood. 

That's really well said.  

I keep coming back to this thread because we're so on the fence about the phone.  Frankly, it would make my life easier if dd had a phone.  We rely on other kids having a phone in order for her to connect with me, which is silly.  This past week we've gotten two text msgs. to our home (cell) phone from a friend of dd's at school-they were the "read this and send to 10 people" type texts, and they weren't terrible, but not really fully appropriate either.  The point was the judgement of her friend to send this to our personal phone, knowing it isn't dd's personal cell.  And, this week something happened in my dd's life that I am sure she would have texted about to her friends, and probably would have regretted it, a lot.  It's not so different I guess from talking about it to friends, and then regretting it.  All part of growing and learning, but it still makes me weigh the pros and cons carefully.