My toddler (16 mos) will not be comforted by DH in the evenings

[acupuncturemomma]

Just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat or has any suggestions.

Not that I've even tried to go out much in the evenings, but the few times I've tried have not worked out well! DS tends to wake up sometimes about an hour past going to bed. And if anyone other than me is there to hold him--LOOK OUT! He is inconsolable. I guess he's just looking for me to nurse him back to sleep, since that is how he gets to sleep.

So, do I just never go out?

I had a dinner date with some ladies form my neighborhood (at a neighbor's house right up the road) and I kept having to run home and get DS back to sleep. 

Maybe this is just reality for now. But seriously, I have gone out maybe five times total in the evening in the last 4+ years (since DD was born!)

[mom61508]

DD was the same way at that age. She's now 29 months but with through a period a few months ago where she finally would let DH put her down at night but now we are back to her wanting only mama at night. I NEVER go out either unless I go out ealry and am back by 9 to put DD down. I'm pregnant now so I really don't have the desire to be out tho. Just think this will pass and before you know it you will have more freedom but I know it's hard. I try to think they wont be babies forever :)

[Ambishop19]

I'm in the same boat here.  It doesn't matter much though, since my husband usually works swing shift.  I can leave you with some hope though- my 18 month old is starting to be able to fall asleep without nursing.  Of course, he's a lot less calm if I try to get him BACK to sleep without nursing after he's woken up.  I figure it's a long weaning process right, and it will happen in phases. 

[FrenchMama]

Well all I can say is that I am kinda glad to have found your post! I am in the exact same situation. DD turned 17 months yesterday and I just can't go anywhere. The same thing happened to me where I went out to a friend's house in my neighborhood and DH kept calling me because she would wake up and be really upset. I have been upset at DH thinking that maybe he didn't try hard enough to soothe her, but after reading your post, I realize that it might just be our reality for now...which is a little frustrating, but as mom61508 mentioned, they won't be babies forever...

DD will sometimes fall asleep without nursing, but she likes to nurse when she wakes up in the middle of the night. Our pediatrician told us that weaning would help tremendously with her sleeping habits, but i would like for it to happen naturally.

Anyway, good luck to you, you are not alone!!

[mamandedeux]

Weaning will help, or at least it did with DS1 (he self-weaned right after his second birthday and immediately started sleeping better, like 4-5 hour stretches). DS2 is 13 months now and still nursing every 2-3 hours, and I cannot leave the bed after he falls asleep, or he sense it and wakes up. Crazy, sure, but it's my life for now, and it won't always be like this. There'll be plenty of dinner parties later to make up for the ones I'm missing now.

[lauramarie79]

Same here, DD 23 months, 2nd baby due in 5.5 months.  We are hoping for her to let him put her to bed before the time the next one comes.  We're working on having him spend more time with her one-on-one during the daytime and see if that helps.  We'll see.

[K1329]

Originally Posted by lauramarie79 

Same here, DD 23 months, 2nd baby due in 5.5 months.  We are hoping for her to let him put her to bed before the time the next one comes.  We're working on having him spend more time with her one-on-one during the daytime and see if that helps.  We'll see.

That seems like a fantastic approach. Have the lo spend time with dh during the day -avoiding sleep issues altogether - and let them bond more. Then the nighttime parenting might come more naturally for both dh and the lo.

[always hope]

same here. But we were given concert tickets for Christmas and have the grandparents available to look after her. I really want to go but I just don't think she will cope without me to get her to sleep. It would be so sad to miss the concert but even worse would be explaining to the other family members who are going, the reason why I can't. They just wouldn't get it and would totally judge us for not having 'trained' her to go to sleep on her own. Have no ideas what to do about this.

[jcent]

Originally Posted by mamandedeux 

Weaning will help, or at least it did with DS1 (he self-weaned right after his second birthday and immediately started sleeping better, like 4-5 hour stretches). DS2 is 13 months now and still nursing every 2-3 hours, and I cannot leave the bed after he falls asleep, or he sense it and wakes up. Crazy, sure, but it's my life for now, and it won't always be like this. There'll be plenty of dinner parties later to make up for the ones I'm missing now.

ugh, I am in the same boat with my 13 month old.  I am on bed lock down with her for all naps and all night.  Going out simply isn't an option for me...I would be happy for an hour or 2 in a separate room, lol!

[NEastMomma]

Do you think DS is getting some molars?  My DS is just about to be 17mos and about one month ago finally started sleeping better.  Up until then, I was like you - couldn't go anywhere and there was NO WAY he'd be comforted by anyone else, even his beloved Dada.  I noticed right when DS's molars started popping thru he suddenly started sleeping 5 + hour stretches.  And trust me, I was in shock. 

[LROM]

I think for all of you struggling with this it's a balance between what your priorities are.  If you only want to go out once in a blue moon, then your child waking up and being consoled by dad - even if that doesn't actually console your child much - may be ok balanced with your need to stay sane and have at least a glimmer of a social life once in awhile if that is important.  It's very understandable and even if your child is unhappy about it, they are still being attended to by a loving, attentive parent and that is very important.  Once in a blue moon your child will be ok with this.

If you need/want to be away more often than that, then actually having your child spend more time with dad in the daytime is a great idea.  Also some great advice I got when we were facing the exact same issue (and in my case DH was with DD during the day almost as much as I was because of his work schedule so it wasn't that she never spent one on one time with him) was to a) make sure we had a regular bedtime routine and then b) to give DH more and more responsibility (and remove myself more and more) from it on a regular basis so DD got used to having just dad at bedtime.  This helped with nighttime wakings although we were still breastfeeding as well so she was still upset not to find me (I sometimes had to be away overnight for work) but she got less and less distressed about it with time.

Our DD is 2 now and we made a conscious decision to nightwean her because I was pregnant with #2 and the regular night wakings to BF were killing me.  Nightweaning was awful for a little while there (we combined it with putting her in her own bed, which was a lot for all of us to adjust to), but now she sleeps better (and we definitely do) and wakes much much less, and will sometimes let DH comfort her back to sleep without even a whimper if she wakes up in the middle of the night.  The process helps make it much easier for DH to put her to sleep as well as tend to her during the occaisional night wakings.  She still has her once in awhile wakings where she is just not happy to not be with us and it takes awhile no matter who comforts her, but those are fewer and fewer.  And she's a HAPPY camper when she's awake even more than she was before all this because she's much better rested now.

[landgyrl]

Originally Posted by K1329 

Originally Posted by lauramarie79 

Same here, DD 23 months, 2nd baby due in 5.5 months.  We are hoping for her to let him put her to bed before the time the next one comes.  We're working on having him spend more time with her one-on-one during the daytime and see if that helps.  We'll see.

That seems like a fantastic approach. Have the lo spend time with dh during the day -avoiding sleep issues altogether - and let them bond more. Then the nighttime parenting might come more naturally for both dh and the lo.

I'm also glad to have found this post. DH has never really tried and says he'd find a way to get him to sleep. So 24 months later...I've never gone out at night. We're also going through another rough phase (DS has never been easy to get to sleep) which makes me a little crazy and hence, DH won't consider another child. So sad.

For those considering nightweaning to ease your nights...I nightweaned DS on my own at 20 months while DH was away at a conference...which was super rough, but worth it. I was exhausted as we do not cosleep at home. I had also consulted with an acupuncturist who said that the nursing at night was not helping him sleep, on the contrary, it was probably hurting his belly...for any of you considering nigthweaning. That was enough for me to go through with it.