My dd doesn't want to go to daycare/pre-school/school - Page 2

[sunnygir1]

Originally Posted by meemee 

i knew dd truly enjoyed dc. she really did. but given a choice she'd rather be with me doing our thing. 

None of us get to always do what we want.  If your child is doing well in daycare, happy and playing; enjoying herself, then I doubt it is harmful for her to be there.  I encourage you to follow your instincts, as I follow mine.

My dd was like a different person after her first day in the 4K room.  She still says that she doesn't want to go, but the quality of her request to be with me and her overall demeanor are different.  My happy little girl is back. I think and hope that I can tell the difference between when she is okay and when she is not.  My goal is not to find a place that she would rather be than home with me, but a place where she can feel safe, be herself, and build relationships with people who are not me.  I really think it is okay for her to miss me as long as it isn't completely ruining her day (or her life)...I miss her, and that's okay.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by sunnygir1 

My dd was like a different person after her first day in the 4K room.  She still says that she doesn't want to go, but the quality of her request to be with me and her overall demeanor are different.  My happy little girl is back. I think and hope that I can tell the difference between when she is okay and when she is not.  My goal is not to find a place that she would rather be than home with me, but a place where she can feel safe, be herself, and build relationships with people who are not me.  I really think it is okay for her to miss me as long as it isn't completely ruining her day (or her life)...I miss her, and that's okay.

Fantastic!  I was going to suggest moving rooms or schools.  Even if she had no real reason to be miserable at the last place it sounds like she was in a rut.  Glad to hear things have turned a corner.
 

[katheek77]

It sounds like your DD is adjusting well to her new classroom.  

I did want to comment on something in this thread.  Earlier, someone wrote that preschool teachers only need to have 12 ECE credits.  Those standards are not universal, and vary widely.  Here in PA, there are different levels of accreditation (as well as unaccredited schools).  At my center, by state standards, at least 50% of teachers have to have at least a bachelor's degree in early childhood ed or a related field (elementary education, child development/psych, etc.)  100% of teachers have to have at least an associate's degree. All of the teachers at my center have a bachelor's degree, and a couple have master's degrees.  Many preschool teachers are true professionals who are woefully underpaid and underappreciated.  

Stepping off of soapbox.

[AdinaL]

Please remember when posting to be respectful in your posting and avoid taking direct issue.  :) Thank you!

[sunnygir1]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for your support and great ideas.  Today was dd's second day in the 4K room, and she had another great day.  She has really connected with one of the teachers there and there are three children she played with consistently today and Wednesday.  I think she's made friends and seems to feel happy and comfortable there.  I am so relieved.

I really appreciate this conversation; it helped me through a rough few days.

[stik]

My dd, who is three, has been telling us that she misses us a lot lately (I work full time, and so does my dh, so she is in day care for about 6 hours every week day).  She also tells the cat that she misses him, and on the weekends, she tells us that she misses her preschool teachers, her daycare provider, and the dogs and kittens at her DCP's house (DCP does foster care for animal rescues as well as child care). 

It's evident that her dream vision of life involves having ALL the things she loves together in one place for one great big love-and-attention-fest.  Perhaps with a pool and a trampoline thrown in to make it a party. 

It's also evident that she has a blast at daycare and preschool.  I had to work on how I responded to her announcement that she would miss me when I was at work, but it really just means she would rather have everyone together in one place, not that she is suffering miserably while she is separated from one or more of the objects of her affection. 

Sunnygirl, I hope that as your dd makes the transition to her new classroom, she also makes the transition from missing you miserably to simply preferring that she had everything she loves together in one place.

[georgia]

It sounds like you have a great attitude! 

It often just takes a little time to get used to a new environment so I'm really happy that she's doing better. While she's not with you, she's with another loving caretaker and a whole group of new friends to spend time with and learn and experience really cool things. It's really going to be exciting for you to watch her grow this year in the new environment. It is *such* a relief when we see our children happy and thriving...even though it can be bittersweet because they are having so much fun without us and we start seeing them as little individuals who don't need us 24/7..which is the goal! It's definitely hard during the transition because we may feel like we're doing them a disservice while they adjust. It's just different and new, and it's not like you're sending her to a sweatshop or chain gang. For both of you, it's just new and can take time to really get your feet under you...just like with anything.

IME, I think it's also important, like stik mentioned, to affirm and acknowledge when they're expressing feelings and missing us. We miss them, too when they are away, but we also get to give big hugs when we see each other again, tell each other stories about our day and then get to go do xyz! I want everything just as I want it when I want it where I want it, but it's an important life lesson to learn through experience that we don't get that. And we learn to deal and adjust and go on our with our new (different!) circumstances and make it work for the family because it's what we do. There can be set-backs and relapses of sadness esp. during times of developmental leaps, but that's par for the course.   

I'd recommend making sure that you check in with others who understand what you're going through for support, too. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job mothering her and you deserve to feel confident and not second guess yourself. You sound like such a very caring and loving mother, and I totally applaud your sensitivity. You might also want to check in with the Working/Student forum for lots of BTDT advice if you start feeling down. Hope you have a wonderful weekend and keep up the great work!  

Edited by georgia - 1/8/11 at 6:56pm

[GuildJenn]

I completely agree with georgia's amazing post. It's also really nice to have a preschool that works through issues like that!

I know I'm late commenting but I just wanted to add in that my son has gone through a few phases like that and I've talked to him about how we can miss each other, or miss home, and still go out and do things, and pointed out that we'll have time to do whatever later. It helped a lot. Sometimes I think kids at that age are experiencing a leap in what I think of as "planning ability" - they have their own agendas. Acknowledging that and making space for it at appropriate times can help a lot.

[KLM99]

Watching this thread too, although I don't have any advice either!  We had a similar experience with my then almost 3yo - crying every day at drop off at a lovely Montessori school and telling me all the time how she didn't want to go.  After two months of it, we pulled her.  She's at home with an au pair now, but will be going back to school in September, and already gets upset and cries and says she doesn't want to go.  She's very verbal, but all she will tell me is that she doesn't like it and she wants to stay home.  :(

[meemee]

Originally Posted by sunnygir1 

Originally Posted by meemee 

i knew dd truly enjoyed dc. she really did. but given a choice she'd rather be with me doing our thing. 

None of us get to always do what we want.  If your child is doing well in daycare, happy and playing; enjoying herself, then I doubt it is harmful for her to be there.  I encourage you to follow your instincts, as I follow mine.

see i totally hear you. i really do. but it was hard for both dd and me. my instincts were to take dd out of school. which i did by reducing her hours when i was unemployed.

however i really hate how our children have to learn that 'None of us get to always do what we want' so young ya know. dd started dc at 2. i know if she had started at 4 or even 3 she would have been a happier child and adjusted much better. 

i think its our children's birth right to have their parents for as long as they want and it pains me to see how many dont. 

dd had to grow up early. she had to learn well this is the hand life hands me. might as well enjoy it. i feel she was robbed of her childhood. 

not all children are like her. many love and enjoy and fit in their dc - not do it because their other choice is too painful. 

[sunnygir1]

Originally Posted by meemee 

Originally Posted by sunnygir1 

Originally Posted by meemee 

i knew dd truly enjoyed dc. she really did. but given a choice she'd rather be with me doing our thing. 

None of us get to always do what we want.  If your child is doing well in daycare, happy and playing; enjoying herself, then I doubt it is harmful for her to be there.  I encourage you to follow your instincts, as I follow mine.

see i totally hear you. i really do. but it was hard for both dd and me. my instincts were to take dd out of school. which i did by reducing her hours when i was unemployed.

however i really hate how our children have to learn that 'None of us get to always do what we want' so young ya know. dd started dc at 2. i know if she had started at 4 or even 3 she would have been a happier child and adjusted much better. 

i think its our children's birth right to have their parents for as long as they want and it pains me to see how many dont. 

dd had to grow up early. she had to learn well this is the hand life hands me. might as well enjoy it. i feel she was robbed of her childhood. 

not all children are like her. many love and enjoy and fit in their dc - not do it because their other choice is too painful. 

Thank you for this response.  I think I understand where you're coming from.  As I said before, if I weren't able to make things better for dd, I would have pulled her out, for sure, despite the fact that I feel like I really need them to be somewhere else part time.  The daycare people kept saying that she was okay once I left and that she was engaged and would smile and play, but I kept feeling like they hadn't seen the real her yet; she is a very energetic and joyful child, and is not shy in the least.  I knew she was not okay.  When she switched rooms, she acted completely differently; it was clear to everyone that it was a much better environment for her.  I will be watching closely, as always, to make sure I am comfortable with her situation.

I applaud you for following your instincts and doing what was best for your child.  I implore you to forgive yourself for whatever harm you think you may have done to your daughter's childhood.  She is fortunate to have a thoughtful, committed, and passionate mother who will fight for her.

I think it is a matter of degrees and circumstance.  I think it is important for children to begin to learn very early on that we can't all have what we want all the time.  My one-year-old, with an older sister, has had many more opportunities to work on that than dd had at his age.  I don't think it is harmful to him, and I don't think it is robbing him of his childhood.  He still gets what he wants first more than anyone else in the family, because he's still a baby, but he also has to wait his turn and can't be held by me when I am pouring the pasta into the colander.  I want my children to learn now how to share and compromise and cooperate gracefully...it is part of their work as children.